have a question (exes involved)

[cheermom1]

I have been married to my dh for over 6 years now and the whole time I've been with him all his ex can do is bash my son even trying to get him arrested several times...so giving the history I've chosen to not have anything to with her and I have requested that she has nothing to with me or my kids - I have asked my dh to simply tell her that we are not up for discussion and be the end of it...welll for some reason he can't seem to do that...

last weekend all 4 boys got into a fight and we broke it up and my son pushed one of the other boys in the laundry basket b/c he was attacking one of the other boys just to get him to stop and that is all he did ...now the oldest stepson took the same boy that attacked the other boy and put him in a head lock and he almost passed out before we got him off of him ...now I have 1 son and the other 3 are my stepsons ...

here is the issue dh's ex apparently has come unglued b/c my son pushed one of her boys and all of her boys are angles and did nothing wrong and is threading dh that he will not get have the boys for Christmas b/c of this and totaling ignoring the fact that her boys we wrong as well and what the oldest did was worse than what my son did (at least my son was trying to make it stop) ....

so here we are with dh discussing this with her about my son and his medical issues and personalty and other things ..why can't he just say it has been taken care of and I do not wish to discuss someone else's children with you...

I guess I don't understand why my son has to be discussed?????

there is A LOT of history with her and I just don't wish for her to talk about me or my kids for any reason ...

 

[cheermom1]

So I guess what I'm asking is ..Is this an unreasonable request?

personally I don't think it is as she has made it very clear that she could care less about me and my kids (which is not something I would ask her to do) but her actions tell me that she doesn't care about anyone or anything but herself..


in one sentence can some her up this is straight form her mouth "I will make your life a living h@ll even if I have to hurt my own kids."

so all i'm asking is for her to have nothing to do with me or my kids and that includes talking about us for any reason...

if it had turned out different I would have no problem trying to work things out with her and working together on how to handle the kids and certain situations but as it stands that will never happen ...

thanks...

 

[kellyg403]

OP...there is literally nothing you can do short of walking away from your dh. Literally. Welll, there is always counseling.

My dh has this wonderful way of telling his children, my stepchildren,the adults, that he can't do this or that without checking with me first. Then we have the call from the ex about it. Really, he doesn't need to check with me..we have covered this a thousand times. They are his children, he is their father. If they need something, want something HE needs to decide what is best. When it comes to my children, well, I do what is best. He uses me as the great scape goat is what it boils down to. There are a lot of issues and to avoid dealing with it, somehow it turns in to I am the bad guy. I don't even know what they are talking about half the time.

In my heart dh and his ex haven't crossed the bridge into adulthood. He just doesn't want to fight with her so he placates her or gives excuses in the hopes she won't fight. I have explained to him on several occasions for several different reasons that I DO NOT like my private life out there unless I give it out.

While I understand that your dh is stuck in the middle (is your child his bio too?) it just isn't enough. If it were my bio son and his stepchild that would make it EVEN WORSE for me.

The ex has gotten away with it, he has let her and this is going to continue. You need to make your dh understand in no uncertain terms personal information not required is off limits. The whole fight was with four boys, so all boys are accountable. Period. End of discussion. Nobody's medical issues, no excuses period. No more placating and excuses to not hear the screaming.

Kelly

 

[kellyg403]

Sorry OP, I went back and reread.

Here's the deal, she is not your business so other than pleasantries you are not required to have a relationship with her. And visa versa until it gets better or one of you wants too.

The reality is that your private life is just that. Your dh needs to understand that she is not in any way privileged in areas others are not when it comes to information regarding your children. The downside is that if you would have given this information to someone yourself in this situation that did not involve the dreaded ex you have to cut him some slack.

If you wouldn't have, then its offensive and it is not something he should do period. You basically want less said.

Kelly

 

[cheermom1]

thank you - yes my son is my son not his, we have no children together ... I don't get involved with what they do with their kids, they are their parents..I take care of my kids..this is what works for us..all I have asked if for them not to discuss us we are not her business as ..the less she knows the better as she has proven in the past to take certain info and twist it to what ever she wants to suite her and try to get us in trouble ... like the time she called dhs on me, long story short on that is dhs told me that if I wanted to take her to court I would most likely win...things like this is why I don't want anything unnecessary being said to her...

However I am happy right now as dh came to me on his own and said he has been a "donkey" about it and he understands why I don;t like her talking about us ..

for what is worth there is WAY more to this that she has done to me and my kids let alone her won kids, just so sad

I can't control what she does to her kids but I can limit as much as possible for her to things to my kids. I am choosing to not have any kind of relationship with her at all - I have had to change my # and my kids #'s (some how she got a hold of them) she called us sooo many times that I had to file harassment charges on her... saddest part is that as it stands now if she calls the police on us again and it turns out false she will be arrested, that is how bad it is...

all 4 boys did get in trouble we dealt with it the day it happened which was over a week ago and tonight she demanded to know what I have done to make sure it won't happen again, meaning just my son ..I don't understand I mean all the boys were involved so why just my son has to be punished jsut b/c she thinks he should

 

[cheermom1]

Sorry OP, I went back and reread.

Here's the deal, she is not your business so other than pleasantries you are not required to have a relationship with her. And visa versa until it gets better or one of you wants too.

The reality is that your private life is just that. Your dh needs to understand that she is not in any way privileged in areas others are not when it comes to information regarding your children. The downside is that if you would have given this information to someone yourself in this situation that did not involve the dreaded ex you have to cut him some slack.

If you wouldn't have, then its offensive and it is not something he should do period. You basically want less said.

Kelly

Just to clarify I don't care to know her business nor do i ask about her or anything that she does ..I don't even ask the boys anything about her. why would I?

just thought I would put that out there so that no one is confused and IO don't mean anything by this just wanted to clarify thanks

 

[Lucky4me]

I'll take the other side for a moment. If it were my sons going over there and one of them was shoved into a laundry basket, I'd want a little sit down with my ex to get it all straightened out. Especially if there was a past history with their stepbrother. (what was she trying to get him arrested for anyway?)
Like it or not, this woman is the Mother of your husbands children. She is going to be in your life forever.
You have a choice as to how to deal with her. Nothing wrong with letting your husband do it while you keep your distance, but know that if the boys are all together, she will want to be in the loop when things start getting rough.

There's a book you may want to check out of the library about the issues between Moms and stepmoms. I've read it, done the exercises in it and it's changed the dynamic between my ex's wife and I quite a bit. You may never be best friends, but maybe at least not enemies. Life is much easier without enemies.
http://www.amazon.com/No-Ones-*****-Stepmother-Relationship/product-reviews/0762750936
good luck!

 

[kellyg403]

I'll take the other side for a moment. If it were my sons going over there and one of them was shoved into a laundry basket, I'd want a little sit down with my ex to get it all straightened out. Especially if there was a past history with their stepbrother. (what was she trying to get him arrested for anyway?)
Like it or not, this woman is the Mother of your husbands children. She is going to be in your life forever.
You have a choice as to how to deal with her. Nothing wrong with letting your husband do it while you keep your distance, but know that if the boys are all together, she will want to be in the loop when things start getting rough.

There's a book you may want to check out of the library about the issues between Moms and stepmoms. I've read it, done the exercises in it and it's changed the dynamic between my ex's wife and I quite a bit. You may never be best friends, but maybe at least not enemies. Life is much easier without enemies.
http://www.amazon.com/No-Ones-*****-Stepmother-Relationship/product-reviews/0762750936
good luck!

I agree that yes, mom or stepmom has right to know about the incident. However, the mom has no right to any more information than the incident.

OP, I am glad that your dh is starting to understand the situation. I often wonder if my dh does the 'talking' because of familiarity, falling back into what their situation was, or possibly I am just too private of a person. I don't really talk about home anywhere except at home. Good Luck!

Kelly
PS..and no I didn't think you tried to get in her business I was just explaining that honestly if you had the need to have her information than I could understand why she was wanting yours. I hope I also clarified.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I'll take the other side for a moment. If it were my sons going over there and one of them was shoved into a laundry basket, I'd want a little sit down with my ex to get it all straightened out. Especially if there was a past history with their stepbrother. (what was she trying to get him arrested for anyway?)
Like it or not, this woman is the Mother of your husbands children. She is going to be in your life forever.
You have a choice as to how to deal with her. Nothing wrong with letting your husband do it while you keep your distance, but know that if the boys are all together, she will want to be in the loop when things start getting rough.

There's a book you may want to check out of the library about the issues between Moms and stepmoms. I've read it, done the exercises in it and it's changed the dynamic between my ex's wife and I quite a bit. You may never be best friends, but maybe at least not enemies. Life is much easier without enemies.
http://www.amazon.com/No-Ones-*****-Stepmother-Relationship/product-reviews/0762750936
good luck!

I'm not the OP and do understand your point of view HOWEVER it sounds like the OP is dealing with an unrationale woman. Until my DSDs became adults, my life was hell with his ex. She has since moved to FLA and there is no contact. The only contact we have is when DH needs to call the one adult DSD that is supporting her. DSD can't afford a cell phone so her mother answers the house phone. And she still makes derogatory comments about my DH to their child. She just did it yesterday. Some people don't have brains and a rationale thought process. They are not easy to deal with and no book in the world will help.

OP - I understand your issues. I'm really glad that your DH is able to see what is going on. I also have one in my life that called child services on us 3 times. Some people just aren't happy unless they can make their exes miserable. This is how I dealt with it - called her names (to myself only - not even DH knows the names I called that woman ), vented to my DM as I needed someone in my camp to speak to about it, and just prayed and prayed and prayed for guidance. And then when the crap really hit the fan, I got a great attorney and threatened the crap out of her. And lo and behold, a lot of stuff stopped.

 

[rie'smom]

The ex should be told what happens but that's it. Tell her it's been handled. Your husband needs to shut up because he's making it worse. Sounds like he tries to appease both sides which results in no one being happy. He's right he is a donkey. Tell him to "man up" and put the ex in her place.

How does he get along with your son? Is it that DH is being passive aggressive and complaining or agreeing with the ex in order to vent? If that's the case, I'd say counseling is in order.

 

[wdwfan16]

Did you see the entire fight? If not, then how do you know your child only pushed the other into the laundry basket. Maybe your kid played a much bigger role. To me all four were in the wrong and all four needed to be punished equally.

You need to talk to your son about fighting with his step brothers. The Ex has every right to know what is happening to her kids when they are at your home. If the custody agreement states she gets the kids on Christmas then she can and may keep the boys.

 

[kellyg403]

thank you - yes my son is my son not his, we have no children together ... I don't get involved with what they do with their kids, they are their parents..I take care of my kids..this is what works for us..all I have asked if for them not to discuss us we are not her business as ..the less she knows the better as she has proven in the past to take certain info and twist it to what ever she wants to suite her and try to get us in trouble ... like the time she called dhs on me, long story short on that is dhs told me that if I wanted to take her to court I would most likely win...things like this is why I don't want anything unnecessary being said to her...

However I am happy right now as dh came to me on his own and said he has been a "donkey" about it and he understands why I don;t like her talking about us ..

for what is worth there is WAY more to this that she has done to me and my kids let alone her won kids, just so sad

I can't control what she does to her kids but I can limit as much as possible for her to things to my kids. I am choosing to not have any kind of relationship with her at all - I have had to change my # and my kids #'s (some how she got a hold of them) she called us sooo many times that I had to file harassment charges on her... saddest part is that as it stands now if she calls the police on us again and it turns out false she will be arrested, that is how bad it is...

all 4 boys did get in trouble we dealt with it the day it happened which was over a week ago and tonight she demanded to know what I have done to make sure it won't happen again, meaning just my son ..I don't understand I mean all the boys were involved so why just my son has to be punished jsut b/c she thinks he should

Not knowing the mom or her side..well she kinda sounds like a whack job really. Calling your kids phones too?

In your situation it is probably best to keep communication at a minimum. You could go on forever trying to fix this but if she doesn't see the need, well you are stuck. In the end, your dh is stuck in the middle. I know, from seeing it with my dh, you can let it cause problems or you can maintain your position. To help him stay out of the middle. One of the things I have learned to do is to be very middle of the road. When she calls and says whatever she says and dh comes to me I remind him that He is the one who has a relationship with her and that I, unfortunately, do not know her very well. I do not want to hear what she says, don't want to hear what he says nothing, nada. I have removed myself from the DRAMA. If she calls and he speaks to her I leave the room and leave the conversation private. That way I don't get my tail feathers ruffled and I don't get angry.

Lucky for me, the ex has come for/said things about my children once. I put her in her place immediately myself. My children are not up for discussion with her, just their stepmom. Who, btw, I like very much and have no issues with. When the kids go there, she understands that they will follow her and dad's rules, punishment fits the crime even at their house etc. I respect her place in their life. And that is what I think is at the root of my problem on the other side. No respect that we have moved on to a different life. My kids aren't perfect, they are bratty here too because they are teens I don't ever expect they are perfect there and they need to handle things there so the kids know they have two parents and the bonus of a stepmom who cares for them enough to help them grow.

Good luck OP...this is one of the main reasons friends who are in blended families are getting divorced. Ex and Stepkids. But, in the end...your marriage is important and your dh has to respect your boundaries. It is HIS job..not the mom's.

Kelly

 

[sbell111]

thank you - yes my son is my son not his, we have no children together ... I don't get involved with what they do with their kids, they are their parents..I take care of my kids..this is what works for us...

First, it doesn't seem like this plan is working.
Second, it doesn't sound like they understand that this plan is in effect.
Third, it's not a good plan. Stepparents must be able to parent or bad situations develop.

 

[cheermom1]

Ladies I understand where you are coming from especially with you not knowing her - However with the details I gave about the police and given the history I have with her just trust me this woman is someone you can not work with ...

and yes I know that is all my son did as when we questioned them they all said this is what happened - my son did get in trouble for his role as the other boys did...my dh has a good relationship with all the boys ...

This was not an issue till about a week or so after they went back home and then all of a sudden ex calls and says he has an issue (indicates that it took that long to get anything out of the boys - she has done this before try to get one of the boys to say that they have a problem when there isn't one; she even took him to a councilor once for something else and he saw through her after a while and refused to go that route then all of a sudden he is a quake) anyway she does this every time dh has the boys for more than a weekend she "comes" up with something as to why they can't stay (dh even brought this up to her and she of course denied it)

this is dh's year to have the boys for Christmas and according to the papers she can't even see them on Christmas eve however dh has always told her he didn't think that was right and let her have them the night before Christmas eve till 6pm on Christmas eve, so dh is willing to work with her and she still tries to stir the pot

My issue is not that I am trying to say that my son is innocent or that he should not be punished for his role b/c he was along with the other boys...my issue is that she is demanding that my son is to be punished more and wanted to know what I was going to do about it - dh told her that all the boys were punished and it was dealt with that night and no since in beating a dead horse - she went off on him demanding my son be punished - dh asked her ok well then what about oldest son, what he did was worse and how are you going to punished him? she of course said that he did nothing wrong and my son was the problem...this all she could focus on, this is why I have chosen to step away and have no contact or anything to do with her b/c nothing will get solved it will just get worse ....

I am with you on that since she is their mom she has the right to know about what happened but she takes everything and turns it into something that it is not and keeps up with it for a very long time...

I just feel as though she has no right to try to tell me how to raise my kids and demand that I punish my child more than I already have for any reason - my son does not have a history of hitting or fighting or anything he is just not that type of person never has been - some years back my son and the oldest stepson were arguing about something and then and stepson attacked my son (I seen it) we pulled them a part and we dealt with it - this has happened more than once, stepson attacking one or more of the boys, stepson is the one with the history of fighting and being nasty to other people, he even got suspended for this at school - anyway ex tried to get my son arrested for this several times and the police even told her on one of her "trips" to the police that there was nothing there and if anything the stepson would be the one that would be trouble ...my point is that for some reason she thinks that what ever stepson does it is ok and nothing wrong with what he is doing and she makes excuses for him but when she *thinks* my son even looked at one of the boys in way she doesn't like she does this crap all the time

she even threw a fit b/c I asked the boys to put their clothes away saying I have NO right to say ANYTHING to them period

anyway I hope this clears a few things up ...I hope that from now on dh can let her know what she needs to know and not talk about us ....

i don't have a problem with the boys they are good kids for the most part - I mean no kid is perfect and they all have something they need to work on heck we as adults have things we need to work on.... just seems as though ex expects me and my kids to be perfect according to they way she expects us to be no and ifs or butts ...the best thing I can do is to remove myself as I already have done and my kids which is why I don't want her to have any info on us for any reason ....

like I said if this had turned out different I would be willing to work this out with her when it comes to the kids but she has proven that no matter what she is out to get me and my kids and she will not stop till she does so the less she knows the better...

there is WAY more but this is already long sorry...

 

[cheermom1]

First, it doesn't seem like this plan is working.
Second, it doesn't sound like they understand that this plan is in effect.
Third, it's not a good plan. Stepparents must be able to parent or bad situations develop.

Nothing else works either - I do tell them do things while at my house but I have no say in the way they are raised - I do take care of situations if thy are at my house and dh is not there but if he is he takes care of it..what else am I supposed to do?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

all 4 boys did get in trouble we dealt with it the day it happened which was over a week ago and tonight she demanded to know what I have done to make sure it won't happen again, meaning just my son ..I don't understand I mean all the boys were involved so why just my son has to be punished jsut b/c she thinks he should

I'd be half tempted to say that the next time her sons attack your son, that you will have them arrested for assault.

I'm joking really--but where does she get the nerve?

I know there are two sides to every story and it seems she is forgetting that.

I simply would not engage with her and if she has issues then she needs to take it up with their dad. In the meantime, step forward and parent while they are in your home and ignore her crap. They are playing a game and they are winning and their mother is permitting it. You do NOT have to take it.

Document and video tape if necessary. Tell her to stuff it if she makes comments like you can't tell her sons to pick up their stuff. HOGWASH!!!! I'll tell the neighbor's kids to do that if they are in my home as guests. I'm not a maid.

 

[sbell111]

Nothing else works either - I do tell them do things while at my house but I have no say in the way they are raised - I do take care of situations if thy are at my house and dh is not there but if he is he takes care of it..what else am I supposed to do?

First, you need to take a breath and stop giving her so much control over you. Next, I would follow Lisa's advice:

... I simply would not engage with her and if she has issues then she needs to take it up with their dad. In the meantime, step forward and parent while they are in your home and ignore her crap. They are playing a game and they are winning and their mother is permitting it. You do NOT have to take it.

Document and video tape if necessary. Tell her to stuff it if she makes comments like you can't tell her sons to pick up their stuff. HOGWASH!!!! I'll tell the neighbor's kids to do that if they are in my home as guests. I'm not a maid.

 

[cheermom1]

I'd be half tempted to say that the next time her sons attack your son, that you will have them arrested for assault.

I'm joking really--but where does she get the nerve?

I know there are two sides to every story and it seems she is forgetting that.

I simply would not engage with her and if she has issues then she needs to take it up with their dad. In the meantime, step forward and parent while they are in your home and ignore her crap. They are playing a game and they are winning and their mother is permitting it. You do NOT have to take it.

Document and video tape if necessary. Tell her to stuff it if she makes comments like you can't tell her sons to pick up their stuff. HOGWASH!!!! I'll tell the neighbor's kids to do that if they are in my home as guests. I'm not a maid.

I do in my home, I do tell them to clean up after themselves and such - I do ignore her but dh seems to forget to do that ....

I agree with you I'm not a maid - we have 5 kids and I can't clean up from everyone I just can't keep up - I had a friend try to tell me that I should just suck it up and clean after them and say nothing - I told her that if I don't do it for my kids why would I do it for them? I mean that would create more issues like my kids thinking I don't love them or the boys thinking they have me as their personal maid and be lazy ...I think they should all be treated the same in my house...so that is what I do ....the only thing I have done is remove myself and my kids form her - we don't talk or see each other, I refuse to discuss my kids or me with her b/c of the way she is ...I don't go to pick up or drop offs and if she calls, she calls dh's phone and either he answers and if he can't I won't pick it up I let her leave a mess...that is all between them ..I don't want me or the kids dragged into it...

the sad part is that she doesn't really have many friends or family they all wrote her off - I ran into her sis a while back and she was apologizing with every other sentence she said - I told her that she didn't do anything and she has no need to apologize - she said she no longer talks to her sis after she called her at work and cussed her out (she works for a lawyer btw) and her boss told her that he will press charges the next time she called like that...what is she thinking??

Thanks ladies I appreciate all the kind words - I will continue to try to be the bigger person and have no contact as much as possible - I just keep thinking of the boys, what a way to grow up..

 

[kellyg403]

Ladies I understand where you are coming from especially with you not knowing her - However with the details I gave about the police and given the history I have with her just trust me this woman is someone you can not work with ...

and yes I know that is all my son did as when we questioned them they all said this is what happened - my son did get in trouble for his role as the other boys did...my dh has a good relationship with all the boys ...

This was not an issue till about a week or so after they went back home and then all of a sudden ex calls and says he has an issue (indicates that it took that long to get anything out of the boys - she has done this before try to get one of the boys to say that they have a problem when there isn't one; she even took him to a councilor once for something else and he saw through her after a while and refused to go that route then all of a sudden he is a quake) anyway she does this every time dh has the boys for more than a weekend she "comes" up with something as to why they can't stay (dh even brought this up to her and she of course denied it)

this is dh's year to have the boys for Christmas and according to the papers she can't even see them on Christmas eve however dh has always told her he didn't think that was right and let her have them the night before Christmas eve till 6pm on Christmas eve, so dh is willing to work with her and she still tries to stir the pot

My issue is not that I am trying to say that my son is innocent or that he should not be punished for his role b/c he was along with the other boys...my issue is that she is demanding that my son is to be punished more and wanted to know what I was going to do about it - dh told her that all the boys were punished and it was dealt with that night and no since in beating a dead horse - she went off on him demanding my son be punished - dh asked her ok well then what about oldest son, what he did was worse and how are you going to punished him? she of course said that he did nothing wrong and my son was the problem...this all she could focus on, this is why I have chosen to step away and have no contact or anything to do with her b/c nothing will get solved it will just get worse ....

I am with you on that since she is their mom she has the right to know about what happened but she takes everything and turns it into something that it is not and keeps up with it for a very long time...

I just feel as though she has no right to try to tell me how to raise my kids and demand that I punish my child more than I already have for any reason - my son does not have a history of hitting or fighting or anything he is just not that type of person never has been - some years back my son and the oldest stepson were arguing about something and then and stepson attacked my son (I seen it) we pulled them a part and we dealt with it - this has happened more than once, stepson attacking one or more of the boys, stepson is the one with the history of fighting and being nasty to other people, he even got suspended for this at school - anyway ex tried to get my son arrested for this several times and the police even told her on one of her "trips" to the police that there was nothing there and if anything the stepson would be the one that would be trouble ...my point is that for some reason she thinks that what ever stepson does it is ok and nothing wrong with what he is doing and she makes excuses for him but when she *thinks* my son even looked at one of the boys in way she doesn't like she does this crap all the time

she even threw a fit b/c I asked the boys to put their clothes away saying I have NO right to say ANYTHING to them period

anyway I hope this clears a few things up ...I hope that from now on dh can let her know what she needs to know and not talk about us ....

i don't have a problem with the boys they are good kids for the most part - I mean no kid is perfect and they all have something they need to work on heck we as adults have things we need to work on.... just seems as though ex expects me and my kids to be perfect according to they way she expects us to be no and ifs or butts ...the best thing I can do is to remove myself as I already have done and my kids which is why I don't want her to have any info on us for any reason ....

like I said if this had turned out different I would be willing to work this out with her when it comes to the kids but she has proven that no matter what she is out to get me and my kids and she will not stop till she does so the less she knows the better...

there is WAY more but this is already long sorry...

OP..I feel for ya! But the one thing I wanted to mention is that she can demand what she wants, you don't have to do it nor do you have to give it any merit. You, as your son's mother, did what was necessary for your child as far as punishment. Your dh, THEIR FATHER, did what was necessary for his children as far as punishment. You are letting her make this about YOU and your kids when in fact it is not. You don't have to feel guilty, you don't have to feel bad because she 'wants' whatever she wants and technically she is the one who is making your dh feel bad and hurting the kids by taking away Christmas if she chooses to do so..legally or otherwise.

You have to disengage, tell dh not tell you what SHE wants as far as your children go, do not make excuses for YOUR children that are none of her business, you have parented your child in the way you found acceptable and she needs to parent hers in her and your dh's way. PERIOD. She knows she is getting to you every time something comes up. She feels the power that she still is in charge. Let her feel it...who cares. Your children are your priority. Yes, it hurts us to see the kids torn between families and being stuck in the middle. You can only be the person who doesn't do this to them and they will see that eventually.

The hardest thing in the world to remember is that those children have a mother and a father who have to make decisions re: their children. She and your dh are the only two involved in that since those children were born to them. You can make the rules with the dh re: your house but in this situation your dh needs to be the ruler of his kingdom as it were and make the decisions for his. Your dh needs to explicity state to her that your children are your children, you will parent as you feel and as you want. She is not involved in those parenting issues, only her own. Don't ask your dh anything, don't listen to her just walk away with a smile. Eventually you can hope that she gets the message. If not, the kids will grow up some day and then it will be over.

This is really more about your dh and understanding that you, his wife, is being torn to shreds for NOTHING. It is his job to field her calls, ignore her when she is ranting about your children and SPEAK only to her about theirs.

I hope it gets better. It sounds like you have had a rough 6+ years. I know disengaging is hard and I know it is harder not to feel sad for the kids. But you are a person too and should be comfortable in your own own making your own decisions with your own children.

Kelly

 

[ginna74]

ya need to get hubby to listen to ya. It would be kind of hard to ignore her crap if hubby is engaging her and letting this all happen. He needs to step up and quit.... Otherwise it isn't ever going to go away, rather she will will always have that edge.