have a question (exes involved)

[cheermom1]

First, you need to take a breath and stop giving her so much control over you. Next, I would follow Lisa's advice:

Yes thanks - I am just so upset that it just keeps going on and on - no matter what we do or say in her eyes we are the devil ...that is why I don't want to engage her about about anything nor do i want my dh to engage her about us that is all I'm asking - they can raise their kids the way they want fine with me just leave me and my kids out of it instead of dragging us in all the time...

she says she wants me and the kids to stay out of everything they do but then she drags us back in I don't want to dragged in..

 

[kellyg403]

I do in my home, I do tell them to clean up after themselves and such - I do ignore her but dh seems to forget to do that ....

I agree with you I'm not a maid - we have 5 kids and I can't clean up from everyone I just can't keep up - I had a friend try to tell me that I should just suck it up and clean after them and say nothing - I told her that if I don't do it for my kids why would I do it for them? I mean that would create more issues like my kids thinking I don't love them or the boys thinking they have me as their personal maid and be lazy ...I think they should all be treated the same in my house...so that is what I do ....the only thing I have done is remove myself and my kids form her - we don't talk or see each other, I refuse to discuss my kids or me with her b/c of the way she is ...I don't go to pick up or drop offs and if she calls, she calls dh's phone and either he answers and if he can't I won't pick it up I let her leave a mess...that is all between them ..I don't want me or the kids dragged into it...

the sad part is that she doesn't really have many friends or family they all wrote her off - I ran into her sis a while back and she was apologizing with every other sentence she said - I told her that she didn't do anything and she has no need to apologize - she said she no longer talks to her sis after she called her at work and cussed her out (she works for a lawyer btw) and her boss told her that he will press charges the next time she called like that...what is she thinking??

Thanks ladies I appreciate all the kind words - I will continue to try to be the bigger person and have no contact as much as possible - I just keep thinking of the boys, what a way to grow up..

I agree, same house same rules. But your dh should be the one at this point ENFORCING those rules. He will get so tired of you coming to him telling him that so and so was asked to do such and such that he will eventually start to see it or do it himself. Trust me. I stopped in mid stride one day on my way to get sdd from work. For months I had been going to work, taking care of the kids (they all live with us) driving them to work, picking them up etc. I treated them the same as I would mine own. They deserved that. But, mom lived in another state and dad was sleeping most of the time at midnight while I was riding the roads. Yet every time I turned around the conversation turned to what I was NOT doing. Guess what. Dad found out too quick you get real tired working all day, cleaning up after people and then getting them from work at 11 at night. If I am doing it so wrong, then the parents who bore them need to take care of them. DH got on the same page real real quick.

Kelly

 

[Lucky4me]

Nothing else works either - I do tell them do things while at my house but I have no say in the way they are raised - I do take care of situations if thy are at my house and dh is not there but if he is he takes care of it..what else am I supposed to do?

She sounds like a pill, of course she was being ridiculous trying to get your dh to discipline your son the way she saw fit. But removing yourself from any 'raising' of his boys is unreasonable too. Obviously the way you've been doing it is NOT working. When they are with you at your home, they are your responsibility. It's what you signed up for when you married a man with three sons. There should always be a unified front between you and your dh on the rules of the house and the same rules should apply to all four boys. It sounds as if you're so frustrated, understandably so, that you've just given up.
I also believe the kids, all of them, are orchestrating and perpetuating this war between the two sides for their own benefit. That happens frequently in step families. The kids try to make themselves look like the perfect ones and the steps the bad ones. They have been through a major emotional upheaval when their parents divorced. Having a new brother who gets to live with their Dad when they don't, had to be hard on them. This is their own sweet way of pay back. It's very effective! :lol
A parents instinct, especially a Mother's, is to protect their child at all costs. You're both being Mama bears.
Both you and your DHs ex have insecurities, hurts and unresolved anger about all that has happened over the last six years. From what you've written, there is nothing that has happened that can't be forgiven and forgotten, on both sides. Everyone will benefit, especially the children. It doesn't end when they grow up either. There will be weddings and graduations and grandkids-all milestones and events that would be so much better if the tension between all of you was gone. It sounds as if both of you want control over what happens in the other persons home. She wanting to discipline your child and you not wanting them to speak of what happens when they're at your home-ever. Both are unreasonable.
Maybe you should buy her the book-mail it anonymously or mail a card along with it saying you want a fresh start.
You never know, it may be what turns it all around. Stranger things have happened. Even if you don't do that, reading it will help you. Even if she is a certifiable evil nutjob who will never change and never let up on you.
It's not just a book on how to get along with an ex's spouse. I can't explain it, but it changed me and it changed other divorced women with kids I know who have read it.

 

[Lucky4me]

.

 

[cheermom1]

I agree, same house same rules. But your dh should be the one at this point ENFORCING those rules. He will get so tired of you coming to him telling him that so and so was asked to do such and such that he will eventually start to see it or do it himself. Trust me. I stopped in mid stride one day on my way to get sdd from work. For months I had been going to work, taking care of the kids (they all live with us) driving them to work, picking them up etc. I treated them the same as I would mine own. They deserved that. But, mom lived in another state and dad was sleeping most of the time at midnight while I was riding the roads. Yet every time I turned around the conversation turned to what I was NOT doing. Guess what. Dad found out too quick you get real tired working all day, cleaning up after people and then getting them from work at 11 at night. If I am doing it so wrong, then the parents who bore them need to take care of them. DH got on the same page real real quick.

Kelly

I normally don't tell them what to do just if dh is not there ..I stepped out a long time ago b/c I was in the same boat you were and thought why am I busting my hump for people who can only give me grief for my efforts so i stopped...

thanks so much for letting me gets this out I don't have many people I can vent to

 

[cheermom1]

She sounds like a pill, of course she was being ridiculous trying to get your dh to discipline your son the way she saw fit. But removing yourself from any 'raising' of his boys is unreasonable too. Obviously the way you've been doing it is NOT working. When they are with you at your home, they are your responsibility. It's what you signed up for when you married a man with three sons. There should always be a unified front between you and your dh on the rules of the house and the same rules should apply to all four boys. It sounds as if you're so frustrated, understandably so, that you've just given up.
I also believe the kids, all of them, are orchestrating and perpetuating this war between the two sides for their own benefit. That happens frequently in step families. The kids try to make themselves look like the perfect ones and the steps the bad ones. They have been through a major emotional upheaval when their parents divorced. Having a new brother who gets to live with their Dad when they don't, had to be hard on them. This is their own sweet way of pay back. It's very effective! :lol
A parents instinct, especially a Mother's, is to protect their child at all costs. You're both being Mama bears.
Both you and your DHs ex have insecurities, hurts and unresolved anger about all that has happened over the last six years. From what you've written, there is nothing that has happened that can't be forgiven and forgotten, on both sides. Everyone will benefit, especially the children. It doesn't end when they grow up either. There will be weddings and graduations and grandkids-all milestones and events that would be so much better if the tension between all of you was gone. It sounds as if both of you want control over what happens in the other persons home. She wanting to discipline your child and you not wanting them to speak of what happens when they're at your home-ever. Both are unreasonable.
Maybe you should buy her the book-mail it anonymously or mail a card along with it saying you want a fresh start.
You never know, it may be what turns it all around. Stranger things have happened. Even if you don't do that, reading it will help you. Even if she is a certifiable evil nutjob who will never change and never let up on you.
It's not just a book on how to get along with an ex's spouse. I can't explain it, but it changed me and it changed other divorced women with kids I know who have read it.

you are right about about me being a mama bear - however I don't want to control her house ever - all I want to for dh to not talk about us to her - that is not unreasonable - the boys I expect they will say things - I have never told them not to say anything to her or anything to that effect - but I don't think dh should be discussing me or my kids with her ...


I have read a lot on situations like this and have changed myself - I just don't think the ex will ever change and I have to just let her be who she is but that doesn't mean i should let her control me or my kids - I just stepped away and have no contact - the reason i know about this is b/c dh hurt his back and he was home yesterday and she called while I was here and I heard everything - my issue is with what dh said to her about us - I don't want to be discussed with her at all - I removed myself and my kids for a reason...


but thanks I'll look into the book

 

[Lucky4me]

Yes thanks - I am just so upset that it just keeps going on and on - no matter what we do or say in her eyes we are the devil ...that is why I don't want to engage her about about anything nor do i want my dh to engage her about us that is all I'm asking - they can raise their kids the way they want fine with me just leave me and my kids out of it instead of dragging us in all the time...

she says she wants me and the kids to stay out of everything they do but then she drags us back in I don't want to dragged in..

Playing devil's advocate here, but isn't talking to her sister about her, kind of going against your own rules?
You spoke to her long enough for her to apologize and for her to tell you about her sis calling her workplace...I don't know, just sounds like more fuel for your fire. More fodder to prove you are right and she is wrong.
If you were truly disengaging, you would have said hello to her sister and moved on. If she brought up her sister, you would have nicely said you didn't want to discuss her life. But you didn't.
Maybe next time?

 

[Jennasis]

Exes...Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Sorry your dealing with an irational fool. Best hope for you is to get DH involved more. HE should be the one telling his boys to tow the line. Then it never has to come from you. If the boys don't clean up after themselves, DH can do it.

If teh boys can't get along, then they can't be left alone together. At least not for a while. how old are they?

 

[cheermom1]

Playing devil's advocate here, but isn't talking to her sister about her, kind of going against your own rules?
You spoke to her long enough for her to apologize and for her to tell you about her sis calling her workplace...I don't know, just sounds like more fuel for your fire. More fodder to prove you are right and she is wrong.
If you were truly disengaging, you would have said hello to her sister and moved on. If she brought up her sister, you would have nicely said you didn't want to discuss her life. But you didn't.
Maybe next time?

Sorry you are right - however when we ran into her she was the one upset and needed to vent so i listened but I NEVER said anything bad at her sis in fact I didn't say anything about her at all - I just let her talk and moved on - sometimes that is really all you can do .... I really never see any of her family as we all live about an hour away and we just happened to stop at a walmart in that area one time .... more than likely it will never happen again - that one one time in 6 years ... thanks for letting see that is a different way..

 

[cheermom1]

Exes...Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Sorry your dealing with an irational fool. Best hope for you is to get DH involved more. HE should be the one telling his boys to tow the line. Then it never has to come from you. If the boys don't clean up after themselves, DH can do it.

If teh boys can't get along, then they can't be left alone together. At least not for a while. how old are they?

They are 14, 12, and 10 - my son is 15 ... and yeah I agree dh needs to be the one to do it and I have let him except when he is not there I do it, I have too...thanks for posting I'm want to be a good person and trying to make everything fair and be a good mom to my kids - I just have to find a balance..

I think the problem is that the ex thinks I'm trying to take the boys from her - i don;t know where she got that idea as I have never given a reason for anyone to think this - I have told dh many many times that the boys have a mother and I'm not it - one time her mom thought it was a good idea for her to be the go between - I told dh that him and the ex are their parents not her mom and it will get way to complicated if someone else is the go between and they need to decide on how to raise their kids not to mention all the he said she said that will be going on with another person involved, just not a good idea, he needed to suck it up and talk to her - I not done or said anything that would be mistaken for me trying to take the kids away form her - dh has not filed for custody nor will he, he just wants to see them and be their dad ....

 

[Jennasis]

They are 14, 12, and 10 - my son is 15 ... and yeah I agree dh needs to be the one to do it and I have let him except when he is not there I do it, I have too...

Nah..."Just wait till your father gets home..." Famous words from my mom to inspire fear in us all.

If the kids don't clean up for you, then dad can clean up after them when he gets home from work. Also, if they are fighting, then you need to keep them seperate unless DH is around to be the ref.

Hugs...and good luck.

 

[cheermom1]

Nah..."Just wait till your father gets home..." Famous words from my mom to inspire fear in us all.

If the kids don't clean up for you, then dad can clean up after them when he gets home from work. Also, if they are fighting, then you need to keep them seperate unless DH is around to be the ref.

Hugs...and good luck.

Thanks