Hardened hearts

[elizke]

I personally think it's far more widespread than it ever was. No it's not new, and there are many who've suffered from this for years. But it happens much more often and there are FAR more bullies than there used to be. We've been talking about bullying to a greater degree since Columbine, and things have only gotten worse in that time. I wish I knew what the answer was.

My DD11 is very miserable in this, her first year in middles school (6th grade). Every day she is tormented by a lot of different kids. She's been called every name in the book, kicked, shoved, tripped, and even told by a boy he was going to kill her. She is a bit bookish, and ended up on a team with none of her friends, so I think the isolation makes her an easy target.

She has just been devastated. She was so excited to go to middle school, imagining a great social life and chit chat at the lockers. Instead she is scared and miserable. To be stuck in a place where all day every day wherever you go there is someone different telling you you are stupid, ********, ugly, and worse, it is beyond understanding.

I have been in constant touch with the school. They want to end it almost as badly as we do, but these kids are very good at what they do. DD is being coached by teachers and the social worker on how to report and how to be empowered. Teachers are watching more closely and developing a closer relationship with DD. She meets with the social worker and a couple of other girls with the same issue once a week, and the social worker hangs around a lot at lunch and in the halls trying to catch some of the behavior. I think the school is making a great effort. But really, these kids are very good at what they do. And I just don't understand why they won't just leaver her alone.

I personally think it's more accepted (by kids) and more widespread. I think that more kids are more desensitized to meanness, since much of America's favorite pastime is to sit and watch people in situations that bring out the worst in each other. (Survivor, Housewives, Bachelor, etc.), and I include the constant pundit arguing on news channels. I even think that kids have seen so much about bullying on TV, movies, news, that to those so inclined it inspires them. The feeling of power that they get from doing this is the attraction, and the budget cuts and larger class sizes make it impossible to effectively prevent.

I know all this and am doing all I can to stop it, but still it just keeps happening. I've read all the advice I can find online, watched every special there's been lately on TV about bullying, and can't find any good answers. I told the teachers in a note I am getting so frustrated I am feeling a "dad on the bus" moment coming on. I think he was wrong and went way too far, but I do feel all the heartbroken frustration he did.

 

[Magic Mom]

Those kids are usually a product of a "broken" home. They receive no attention, love, and maybe come from a home filled with abuse. They lack self respect and humility. They have no examples on what it means to be a nice person and build themselves up with adrenaline and bullying gets them the "love" that they are missing inside.

I don't think that's realyl the case. Some of the meanest girls at DD's school lead pretty great lives. Nice enough parents, stable family life, financially stable or well off.

 

[Buckalew11]

I don't think that's realyl the case. Some of the meanest girls at DD's school lead pretty great lives. Nice enough parents, stable family life, financially stable or well off.

I agree. One of DD's bullies was from a broken home, dad is jail and a mix of other problems which was why DD tried to be so understanding with her. The rest of the group was from fine, upstanding Christian homes with both parents there and all that.

Our problem was that there were only about 12 girls in this class. So when 1/2 are after you and the rest are afraid to be your friend because they do not want to be picked on for it or do not want to stand up for you because if they stop with you, they might be next, well there isn't much of a safe place for the victim. At least in bigger schools you have different groups of kids to escape to.

 

[barkley]

Those kids are usually a product of a "broken" home. They receive no attention, love, and maybe come from a home filled with abuse. They lack self respect and humility. They have no examples on what it means to be a nice person and build themselves up with adrenaline and bullying gets them the "love" that they are missing inside.

You can try to teach your child to forgive them for the words they use to pass judgment on them. It is not always easy but they have to be able to remove themselves from that environment and should be equipped to defend themselves from physical harm.

I am not sure that it can be "overcame" from the child's view point. Sometimes words do hurt and much worst than sticks and stones. However, if you build them (your child) up with love, self esteem and courage, they will eventually grow stronger and the words will bounce off like an insect repellent

i don't agree with this.

some of the worst bullies i encountered came from wonderful loving homes, and some of the worst offenders at the private schools my kids have attended had tremendous attentive parents.

with some of the parents they tried tirelessly to change the kid's behaviour but had continuing issues despite their/professional counseling. with others, despite being great people/parents otherwise-they would NEVER believe their children were capable of it until the say or heard it for themselves (hence why i know about the tape recording method to provide a means of proof).

 

[Kim♥DISNEY]

My oldest son has gone through bullying. When he finally went to junior high, his "friends" in elementary school would write gay all over his folders. He is a good kid and went along with it as a joke for a while. Until one day we talked to him about this and the fact that teasing him like this was not "funny" and the fact that writing gay is mean ... not only him, but to other students who might be gay.

We had to "teach" him how to stand up for himself and tell these "friends" to stop. When he did it, most of the children stopped ... except for a few.

However, the damage was done. He had a really hard time connecting with other students. And what saddened us the most is we know these kids and are friends with their parents. We were torn about talking to the parents about this situation since they are the type of parents "who's child does no wrong" ... and the situation could have become worse for our son. So, we constantly talked to our son about how special he is and the fact that he needed to make new friends. This was/is very hard for him, since the other students now didn't want to associate with him. But, now he is a junior in high school and has "grown into his skin". His self confidence has come through. Last year he hung out with some older students who think he is great.

And I truly believe in KARMA! Students who are bullies eventually get what they deserve.

My cousin was a huge bully growing up. My aunt and uncle thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread and always said, "Not my kid ... you must be talking about another kid in the neighborhood." This would go on when my mother would confront her sister with things that he did to other kids and us! Well, he is now an alcoholic, has major health issues, his wife has left him, has no friends beside his bar buddies and lives with his parents.

 

[Agri]

Bullying is not new at all. The times have changed, but bullying has not. We are hearing more about it because suicide is not the taboo it used to be - its not habitually explained away or hidden by the family. Thanks to the news, kids hear about how some kid killed himself or shot up his friends in revenge. Not to say that the news is to blame, but years ago these events did not make the news like they do now.

Another big reason while bullying is more well-known now is the internet. The internet is a way to anonymously confess anything that you might not tell anyone else in your life about. People share all sorts of things online that they would not share in real life.

I went to a very small elementary school and I truthfully had no real friends there for 2nd through 5th grade. Yet I would still invite everyone to my parties because that was the "polite" thing to do. My parents had no clue about how things really were and I did not tell them - I knew I was going onto another school when elementary school was over, so I just dealt with it.

 

[janets]

Thankfully my son's issues have not really devolved into physical issues. There was a single incident on the bus, when a kid he's known for years decided to yank on the hood of his sweatshirt until it was choking him, and I immediately called the guidance counselor and it stopped right away.

The one kid's parents are nice people. Members of our temple, active, very sports oriented family. Maybe the kid is bullied by his older brother, maybe because he's smaller than other kids, he feels the need to overcompensate. Who knows and I don't care. What I want is that it stops and he leaves my kid alone.

And I also agree that often, the others don't stand up and stop it because they are afraid that if they do, they are next on the list to be embarrassed and made fun of by this kid. Happened to my niece for years.

I also think that society has become more aware of the severe damage that this constant verbal bullying can do because of the news broadcasting the stories about all of these kids commiting suicide after years of bullying. And the schools do all of these programs on the subject. DS tells me all the time that they have them. He also tells me that 90% of the kids aren't even paying attention...because THEY aren't bullying...it's just a joke. And they never see themselves in that role because it was a joke, so why bother listening. DS told me last night that this same kid, yesterday, "scooped" a girl. Now, I didn't know what this was, but DS tells me it's when you go over to a girl (or a boy for that matter) and make your hands into a scoop shape and kind of flip them up the trunk of the body under the breast area and "scoop" upwards.

So the truth is, he actually put his hands on some girl's body. I cannot even fathom any situation where this is acceptable. Any situation. I asked DS if the girl reported it or anything came of it and he said no, nothing. Now, really, how can any girl not report this to a teacher, guidance counselor, parent? And the fact that nothing was done empowers him to continue.

I have little faith in the school system. They might try, but no one is really doing anything. These kids, as a PP said, are really, really smart at what they do. They make sure no one is around, and your kid is isolated and manages to keep the other kids in line. It's all about power.

 

[happygirl]

It's far from a new thing I was verbally picked on my whole school life.

 

[Robinrs]

Those kids are usually a product of a "broken" home. They receive no attention, love, and maybe come from a home filled with abuse. They lack self respect and humility. They have no examples on what it means to be a nice person and build themselves up with adrenaline and bullying gets them the "love" that they are missing inside.

That kind of thinking makes it easier to stomach... huh? Poor THEM.

My son is being raised by a single mother. He's been bullied three separate times and all of the times I had to sit while the other kids PARENTS made excuses for their little brat. BOTH of them had to apologize to ME.

My son doesn't get bothered anymore (I've taught him how to NOT be a victim) but those years were horrible. No, it's far from new, I'm 54 and remember it as far back as 1963 when I was verbally abused after being skipped in the 2nd grade. After all these years I STILL remember it... and these kids PARENTS worked in my school.

 

[cm8]

i don't agree with this.

some of the worst bullies i encountered came from wonderful loving homes, and some of the worst offenders at the private schools my kids have attended had tremendous attentive parents.

with some of the parents they tried tirelessly to change the kid's behaviour but had continuing issues despite their/professional counseling. with others, despite being great people/parents otherwise-they would NEVER believe their children were capable of it until the say or heard it for themselves (hence why i know about the tape recording method to provide a means of proof).

What you may interpret as a loving home and attentive parents may not be what the "bully" perceives it to be.

That kind of thinking makes it easier to stomach... huh? Poor THEM.

My son is being raised by a single mother. He's been bullied three separate times and all of the times I had to sit while the other kids PARENTS made excuses for their little brat. BOTH of them had to apologize to ME.

My son doesn't get bothered anymore (I've taught him how to NOT be a victim) but those years were horrible. No, it's far from new, I'm 54 and remember it as far back as 1963 when I was verbally abused after being skipped in the 2nd grade. After all these years I STILL remember it... and these kids PARENTS worked in my school.

Nope, it does not, and it doesn't make it right the He!! they put others through. I'm just speaking from what I have experienced when I volunteer. Some parents NEVER see the wrong their children do even when it is done in front of them.

 

[LuLuO]

What has happenned in our society that elementary aged children can speak so cruely to each other. the days of the school yard bully being the kid that stole your lunch money, or knocked your books out of your hand are over. Now it's more about using words to emotionally toy with others. What is the point of that? How do you teach your child to respond? How can it be overcome?

I don't know what the answer is. I was bullied from some of 4th grade, but mostly 5th grade through 8th grade and some in high school but not too bad then. I am 34 so it was quite some time ago, but grade school was horrible. I cried every day. I hated school. I hated myself. I remember packing my bags to run away many times. One time I left. I only made it a few miles to a shopping center before I turned around and went home though. The teachers knew what was going on and no one did anything about it. Worse yet my classmates would prank call me quite often. They'd ask for me and then when I'd get on the phone they'd say something nasty and hang up. Walking into that school every day was awful.

One of my biggest fears is that my kids will be bullied. It seems so much worse now because there's no escaping it. Because of my past experience, if my kids are bullied I have no problem pulling them out of school and finding another school or figuring out some way to home school them.

 

[tasha99]

I don't think it's anything new; it's just in the news more nowadays.

I think the idea that bullies come from broken homes is a stereotype and isn't really true. The biggest bully in DS12's class has two wealthy, snobbish parents. This boy bullied one of my son's friends by calling him gay to the point that his friend's parents decided to put him in the local public school. Then DS was targeted for a short while. The reason, I believe, that the bullying didn't continue was my son's genuine "so what?" reaction. We have lots of gay friends ranging from late teens to 60's, so the idea that it's an insult seems alien to DS. That and the one time it got physical, DS fought back.

 

[luvsJack]

I don't agree that bullies come from broken home either. But I think that if we dug down into most bullies' lives we may find that things aren't as wonderful as they appear. Something is making them act out that way.

Maybe they are bullied at home. Maybe they are jealous of their victim for some reason, not for what the victim has but maybe the victim's relationship with his/her parents or something of that nature. Maybe they feel inadequate in some area where they see their victim successful in. There are a billion reasons why one my bully. Sometimes it just seems to be that they are rasied to believe they are entitled and better than everyone and so this is how they think they can treat people.

DS's bully was jealous of ds's ability to make friends. The teachers always said they couldn't move ds away from his friends because he just made new friends. He wasn't pigeon-holed into a group, he just became a part of all of them. The bully didn't fit in completely with any of them, so he hated ds and took his anger out on him.

 

[Pigeon]

There's nothing new about this. Dh was bullied horribly when he was in junior high.

We had a problem with dd being bullied at the same junior high.

What is different now is that the school administrators actually did something. In dh's case, he'd go into the office with cuts and bruises and the vice principal would tell him it was all his fault that kids ambushed him in the locker room and beat him up, and not to bother the administration about it. The guidance counselors mocked him.

In dd's case, they called the offender into the office and read him the riot act, watched him, called his parents, etc. We have had no more issues at all. The bully's parents are happily married and mom is actually the PTA president of the elementary school.

 

[sunnyday123]

The comments about bullies coming from "broken homes" and the "fine, upstanding Christian family with both parents at home" really tick me off. JUST because a child has parents who are not divorced or promote themselves as "fine Christians" does not make them above being a bully.

DD has a bully in her school who has picked on her for years. Her parents are married, and they are "Christians" who believe she does no wrong. This includes the time I told her DD didn't want to come to school because of her daughter. Sometimes bullies bully because they can, because their self-esteem is so low ( which I believe is this kids case) or because they were or are bullied in some way. I personally don't give a rats behind why it happens, but it does need to be addressed. And after last year, DD's father taught her how to make a fist, and how to throw a punch. At some point, kids need to take up for themselves in other ways. You can talk till you're blue in the face, but until a bully realizes you won't stand for it any longer, they will not leave you alone.

 

[momz]

It seems there are a lot of kids that are experiencing this problem. And I think it is very helpful to know that we are not alone in it. None the less, each situation is different, and it remains perplexing for our children to understand and to deal with.

I'd like to respond to the following quote by appologizing for suggesting the situation is "new"...although I didn't ever state that...I believe what I was trying to get across is that bullying is "different" than how I experienced it as a child.

Words have always been used. This is not new at all. [/QUOTE

Your response is not helpful in anyway.

Kids are very sneeky about bullying these days, and are very adept at keeping it out of the sight of adults.

 

[IUTBAM]

I'm sure I'll be in the minority (and I might even get flamed), but I think the bullying mentality is either behavior learned at home, or from poor parenting at home (allowing children to talk back, allowing them to bully siblings, and just be disrespectful in general). It's sad. And yes, I have two children (teenagers).

We've only had one bullying issue (although I don't know that I consider it bullying...I personally think the young man must have been either drunk or high when he did it). My daughter had posted an innocent funny picture of herself on her facebook page, and a guy at her high school that she didn't know verbally attacked her and threatened physical violence to her because of that picture (it was absolutely bizarre). She had friended him on FB because he was a mutual friend of a friend, although she didn't know him well. My DH went into the school the next morning guns blazing, and talked to administration (complete with a printout of his facebook page, and his comments to her on her facebook page). The administration took immediate and decisive action. The young man was suspended for a week, and had to sign a contract that he would have no contact whatsoever with my daughter, and that if he did, he would be arrested. It was a scary incident for my DD, but we were VERY pleased with how the school handled it.

 

[scrapquitler]

What has happenned in our society that elementary aged children can speak so cruely to each other. the days of the school yard bully being the kid that stole your lunch money, or knocked your books out of your hand are over. Now it's more about using words to emotionally toy with others. What is the point of that? How do you teach your child to respond? How can it be overcome?

It's not anything new. It happened back in the early/mid 70s when I was in elementary school, all the time.

 

[marlynnp]

Those kids are usually a product of a "broken" home. They receive no attention, love, and maybe come from a home filled with abuse. They lack self respect and humility. They have no examples on what it means to be a nice person and build themselves up with adrenaline and bullying gets them the "love" that they are missing inside.

You can try to teach your child to forgive them for the words they use to pass judgment on them. It is not always easy but they have to be able to remove themselves from that environment and should be equipped to defend themselves from physical harm.

I am not sure that it can be "overcame" from the child's view point. Sometimes words do hurt and much worst than sticks and stones. However, if you build them (your child) up with love, self esteem and courage, they will eventually grow stronger and the words will bounce off like an insect repellent

something sure is repellent but it's not bug spray

 

[marlynnp]

It seems there are a lot of kids that are experiencing this problem. And I think it is very helpful to know that we are not alone in it. None the less, each situation is different, and it remains perplexing for our children to understand and to deal with.

I'd like to respond to the following quote by appologizing for suggesting the situation is "new"...although I didn't ever state that...I believe what I was trying to get across is that bullying is "different" than how I experienced it as a child.

Words have always been used. This is not new at all.

Your response is not helpful in anyway.

Kids are very sneeky about bullying these days, and are very adept at keeping it out of the sight of adults.

They were sneaky 40 years ago too. How old are you?
And I think the only time I've seen bullying as the 'give me your lunch money or else' scenario has been on TV or in movies.