Grandparents trying to befriend teen grandkids on facebook

[PelletierBears]

When my DD14 asked to have a Facebook page, I told her only on the condition that she friended me and that I have her password. I also told her that she should remember that anything she posts would be read by me, her grandmothers, her teachers, her principal... and that prospective colleges and employers can and do check sites to see what the candidates are really like. I told her the first time I found something inappropriate, her account would be closed. I also told her I would be logging on as her occasionally, just to make sure she wasn't hiding anything. Overprotective, maybe, but I don't expect to be blindsided by anything. I think more parents should log on as their child and see what there kids are really up to. Some of the boys in my daughter's class use the foulest and inappropriate language. OP, I don't think the problem is with grandma, I think it's with whatever your child is posting online that you're afraid grandma will see.

No it's with Grandma Let me be clear, my husband and I have our DD's password amd monitor her internet activity. My issue is with an ULTRCONSERVATIVE grandmother having access to conversations between my daughter and her friends. My DD is 13, for goodness sakes people, you don't have to read between the lines of what I'm saying. She's not posting inappropriate pictures or chatting about partying but it's harder to block someone then not accept them. I agree facebook is a great way to stay in touch but since DGM (is that the right abbreviation? ) calls us every night she can't claim we're not in touch and facebook is the only way!

To the PP who asked if I would have a problem with my parents trying to befriend my kids... Yes I would. While kids need to understand there are consequences to the things they say and post they should also be free to be kids and not worry about offending grandma because of something a friend posted, etc.

I haven't read all the responses yet but appreciate everyone's opinion so far!

 

[Robinrs]

My 17yo is friends with my 68yo aunt, my 70yo cousin, my employees/friends, his Grandmother, aunts and uncles.

So far his biggest problem has been with angst ridden 20 - 40yo old relatives! He had to unfriend my niece (42) and my godchild (24) because of their inappropriate posts!

I'm glad that he feels comfortable to post anything for anyone to see. And if I know "older" folks, they will be checking it now and then and will not be sitting on it with an iPhone in their hands.

 

[SC Minnie]

My mother is on FB (although not very much) and is 'friends' with all the grandchildren. I am 'friends' with DD15 on FB. She also has our church youth director, youth advisors, and our pastor as her 'friend on FB'. DD accepting me as a friend on FB as a stipulation of her being allowed on there. I agree with other posters, DD shouldn't be posting anything on an internet message board that she wouldn't want any of these people to see.

I also am careful about what I put on FB as my status and pictures. If I would be embarrassed for anyone to see it I don't put it on the internet.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

I just recently became friends with my 18 year old DD on facebook. Then 2 of her friends "friended" me . I know them and but if my mother saw the pictures and the way they talk to one another she'd have a heart attack.

I never post on their pages, only if they post something on mine.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I agree with if he is saying stuff on facebook that he wouldn't say to me or his Grandma then he dosen't need to beon facebook. If he was over 18 and living out of our house diffrent story. BUT I would hope he would still know how to be respectful.

 

[MichelleVW]

my DMom is friends with my DNeice on facebook and i don't really think it's a good idea.

you KNOW how kids talk on facebook, and my mother just gets offended left and right "oh i'm going to tell her MOTHER!" and it's just a hassle.

it's hard enough having MY mother as a friend on facebook, i couldn't imagine having my grandmother as a friend too lol

Not really? I'm friends with my 19 year old DD and also a few of her friends and DD17's friends. I haven't sought them out as friends, but they sent me a friend request and I accepted.

I haven't seen much of anything on DD's wall or her friends walls that is that bad.

For those who believe a teen is entitled to "privacy" from older family members, you're looking at Facebook all wrong. It is the INTERNET - there is no privacy! Anything they post is out there for all the world to see, with just a little bit of searching. If Grandma shouldn't see it, it probably shouldn't be posted.

BTW, both my kids are friends with each other, with me, aunts, uncles, older cousins, former teachers, our minister and our minister's mother!

Seriously I tell my DD that I better never see any "girls gone wild" pics on there! Because someday that might cost her a job and thankfully she agrees.

DD, 19, is friends with both me and my mother on Facebook along with her aunties, adult cousins, and family friends, many of whom are cops. She's over 18--all of this is by her own choice but if she were younger, then, yeah, I'd be insisting that her postings be family appropriate.

I just don't understand why a parent would allow their teenager to post things on Facebook that were not appropriate for anyone to read. My advice to dd has always been the same rule that I follow myself--do not put anything in an email or online that you would not mind having printed on the front page of your local newspaper.

Agreed!

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

OP - it sounds like you aren't worried about your daughter's postings being inappropriate--- you're worried that the posts that you find perfectly appropriate, your MIL will be offended by and then will hunt you down and give you a peice of her mind over it?

If that's the case, I would let your DD friend grandma, but you should warn grandma ahead of time that you monitor your DD's account and if you see anything you don't like, you will address it, that grandma should assume everything there meets with your approval.

I am friends with all my aunts and cousins, DH's family and his grandma. I would never consider NOT friending a family member. Anything I post is appropriate in my opinion- if someone else finds it inappropriate, that's just too bad.

 

[grumpeeduck]

I think there is an inappropriate "noseyness" factor with adults "befriending" kids.
Absolutely, parents should be on there and have the passwords, but otherwise, let the kids be kids. Also, distant adults tend to make judgments about what they read and do not understand. They are not in the daily lives and do not always understand innocent inside jokes.

 

[luvsJack]

Facebook is a lot of fun for dd and her friends and they do post a lot back and forth keeping up with each other and what is going on at school and church. Its not that any of them really post anything that grandma doesn't NEED to see, but I don't see anything wrong with giving them the freedom to communicate with each other without worrying about what grandma is going to think about what they say.

If my mom was on Facebook, I would steer her clear of being dd's friend. Not because of anything dd is saying or doing; but just so a 78 year old woman is not judging what a bunch of young teens are saying or doing or liking at the moment. (we hear enough about how awful Twilight and the fact that dd has a crush on Taylor Lautner are as it is. )

 

[2binak]

I wait to be requested by family members younger than myself for that reason. If they want to add me, great! I don't want to put them in an awkward situation. Some of my nieces have added me and some have not. I enjoy keeping up with those I do have on FB, but no big deal if they don't request me.

This is how I've handed FB and younger relatives too. I don't want them to think I'm being nosy or trying to be cool by being their FB friend so I wait for them to friend me. If they do, great, if they don't, that's ok too.

 

[PelletierBears]

I think there is an inappropriate "noseyness" factor with adults "befriending" kids.
Absolutely, parents should be on there and have the passwords, but otherwise, let the kids be kids. Also, distant adults tend to make judgments about what they read and do not understand. They are not in the daily lives and do not always understand innocent inside jokes.

Facebook is a lot of fun for dd and her friends and they do post a lot back and forth keeping up with each other and what is going on at school and church. Its not that any of them really post anything that grandma doesn't NEED to see, but I don't see anything wrong with giving them the freedom to communicate with each other without worrying about what grandma is going to think about what they say.

If my mom was on Facebook, I would steer her clear of being dd's friend. Not because of anything dd is saying or doing; but just so a 78 year old woman is not judging what a bunch of young teens are saying or doing or liking at the moment. (we hear enough about how awful Twilight and the fact that dd has a crush on Taylor Lautner are as it is. )

This is exactly how I feel!

All of you who have said "no big deal" have made me pause. I don't want to overreact but I can just see the writing on the wall. A few people posted about blocking someone after the fact and I'd like to avoid having to do that.

I also have to learn more about the privacy controls. I was on last night but didn't see how to block specific people from seeing certain info. I only see the "friend", friends of friends, and everyone" options.

 

[MushyMushy]

This is exactly how I feel!

All of you who have said "no big deal" have made me pause. I don't want to overreact but I can just see the writing on the wall. A few people posted about blocking someone after the fact and I'd like to avoid having to do that.

I also have to learn more about the privacy controls. I was on last night but didn't see how to block specific people from seeing certain info. I only see the "friend", friends of friends, and everyone" options.

Look at the "customize" option -- and then you can click something like "except so and so"

 

[Karibeth19]

Facebook is a lot of fun for dd and her friends and they do post a lot back and forth keeping up with each other and what is going on at school and church. Its not that any of them really post anything that grandma doesn't NEED to see, but I don't see anything wrong with giving them the freedom to communicate with each other without worrying about what grandma is going to think about what they say.

If my mom was on Facebook, I would steer her clear of being dd's friend. Not because of anything dd is saying or doing; but just so a 78 year old woman is not judging what a bunch of young teens are saying or doing or liking at the moment. (we hear enough about how awful Twilight and the fact that dd has a crush on Taylor Lautner are as it is. )

See, that's what I think. I'm friends with DD and many of her friends (They all requested me, I don't ever request them.). I never post on their walls, or comment on things they've posted, and I'm sure my mother wouldn't either. But, I've discouraged her from joining FB, because she is already SUPER involved in our lives (I'm an only child, so her apron strings are more like bungee cords, and they're attached to my DD as well She lives five miles away from us, we see her almost every weekend, and she calls every day, sometimes more than once.). I just think this is one area where my DD doesn't need her Nana looking in constantly. She and her friends don't ever post anything inappropriate, or even anything that would upset my mom, so that's not a concern. DD is friends with me and DH, her aunts and uncle, other friend's moms, and her youth group leaders, so she's fine with having adults see her posts, but she wants to draw the line at her Nana, and I respect that. I'm not even sure I want my mom constantly seeing my FB stuff, and I KNOW I don't ever post inappropriately!

 

[luvsJack]

See, that's what I think. I'm friends with DD and many of her friends (They all requested me, I don't ever request them.). I never post on their walls, or comment on things they've posted, and I'm sure my mother wouldn't either. But, I've discouraged her from joining FB, because she is already SUPER involved in our lives (I'm an only child, so her apron strings are more like bungee cords, and they're attached to my DD as well She lives five miles away from us, we see her almost every weekend, and she calls every day, sometimes more than once.). I just think this is one area where my DD doesn't need her Nana looking in constantly. She and her friends don't ever post anything inappropriate, or even anything that would upset my mom, so that's not a concern. DD is friends with me and DH, her aunts and uncle, other friend's moms, and her youth group leaders, so she's fine with having adults see her posts, but she wants to draw the line at her Nana, and I respect that. I'm not even sure I want my mom constantly seeing my FB stuff, and I KNOW I don't ever post inappropriately!

I feel the same way. Sometimes my status is: My Mom is driving me CRAZY! And I really don't want her to see that!

 

[sbell111]

I guess I would not want my child saying anything publicly on Facebook that she would not say in front her grandparents. Kids need to understand that Facebook is not private, and that many more people than they know can see what they are posting.

Personally I think it would be a good lesson for your child that they need to temper their Facebook communications and use good judgement when they are on line.

 

[disykat]

I think there is an inappropriate "noseyness" factor with adults "befriending" kids.
Absolutely, parents should be on there and have the passwords, but otherwise, let the kids be kids. Also, distant adults tend to make judgments about what they read and do not understand. They are not in the daily lives and do not always understand innocent inside jokes.

Great post! The implication seems to be here that if you don't want grandma on the page, you must be worried about your child making inappropriate posts. My son also has me, his pastor, an aunt, etc. as friends on facebook. He CHOSE to friend them. I have specifically told him he doesn't need to accept any adult who requests - he can CHOOSE. I'm not in the least worried about him being inappropriate. My parents would be upset about spelling, not get the jokes, worried he's spending too much time on Farmville, etc.

 

[padams]

I think there is an inappropriate "noseyness" factor with adults "befriending" kids.
Absolutely, parents should be on there and have the passwords, but otherwise, let the kids be kids. Also, distant adults tend to make judgments about what they read and do not understand. They are not in the daily lives and do not always understand innocent inside jokes.

DS 14 decided that Facebook can't be all that cool if his 73 year old grandmother is on it.

 

[padams]

Great post! The implication seems to be here that if you don't want grandma on the page, you must be worried about your child making inappropriate posts. My son also has me, his pastor, an aunt, etc. as friends on facebook. He CHOSE to friend them. I have specifically told him he doesn't need to accept any adult who requests - he can CHOOSE. I'm not in the least worried about him being inappropriate. My parents would be upset about spelling, not get the jokes, worried he's spending too much time on Farmville, etc.

 

[MichelleVW]

A little OT, but did anyone see last week's Southpark? It was making fun of Facebook and it was HYSTERICAL!!

 

[FireDancer]

A little OT, but did anyone see last week's Southpark? It was making fun of Facebook and it was HYSTERICAL!!

Yes, it was hilarious. I love South Park.