Grandma at 40; Yeah!

[4nana]

I think the best Grandmas are those that really love their grandkids and stay out of the parent's business. I was blessed with wonderful Grandmas. They did things with us, like make bread, have tea parties under the trees, let us string buttons, taught me to crochet, took me to fish frys, and let me cut all their daffodils to take to my teacher Neither had any money,but they made sure we knew we were dearly loved.

Oh so true and your post gives me the *warm fuzzies*!

 

[VSL]

Yeah! I can finally announce it to my friends / family. My daughter (22 and married) is pregnant. What should I plan for and what should I stay out of. The daddy's parents are "extremely involved" in the relationship. So much so that they even help with bills. I don't want to push my way in, but I would like to be there for the birth, but my daughter has said that she doesn't feel comfortable with them in there for the birth. How can I be there but not them? They would freak.

What are some of the things I should mentally prepare for. Also, my youngest is only 4. This is one interesting family.

I think the first question is - has she made it clear that she wants anyone besides her DH there when she gives birth? You say that you would like to be there and that she does not want her IL's there, but has she invited you yet (I only ask because you haven't said )?

Either way, I agree with everyone else. Your DD and SIL need to set the boundaries now or things can get out of control (WRT how involved they are with the grandchild) in the future.

I'm going to have problems myself - I'm sure that my mother is convinced that she's going to be there when I give birth, but I really want it to be just me and my (F)DH.

I agree with this:

From my point of view, I'm not sure that it should be ONLY the mother-to-be's decision as to who is in the delivery room with her. I think her and her husband should discuss in advance who they want in there. However, the comfort of the mother is of extreme importance here and her wishes should be given strong, but not -- IMO -- total consideration. I don't think the husband should be able to add people to the room but I do think his wishes should be considered if he wishes to "veto" anybody from the room.

If your DD doesn't want her in-laws in there, they should be out. If your son-in-law would prefer to keep this a private moment between just him and your DD, you should be out unless your absence would be a real problem for your DD.

 

[Disney Doll]

The parenst of the baby-to-be should decide who goes into the delivery room, and those wishes should be honored by all parties, without whining, anger or recriminations of any kind.

I never had children, but I can tell you without hesitation that my DH, me and the medical folks would have been the only people in the room. I may have entertained the idea of the 2 grandmothers being in the room, but not the grandfathers. Sorry, neither my Dfather nor my late DFIL needs to see me in the "altogether" during delivery.

As an aside...what you can give your DD are polite but firm ways to handle what sound to be overly-involved and controlling in-laws. Your post leaves a lot unsaid, and your DD is young and therefore not very assertive I would assume, but your description of her in-laws sounds like a recipe for a disaster a few years down the road!

I will be eternally grateful to my parents and in-laws for stepping back and letting DH & I formulate our own marriage without their interference, but with their constant support and encouragement. It was a gift of priceless value.

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

Hey Rob! I'm the post before you, and I remembered the poor dads. You guys may have had a thing or two to do with the pregnancy.

 

[Ranatra]

Congratulations!
My 22 yr. old DD and her DH had a baby girl 13 days ago!

I'm hoping that the parents of the Father to be aren't too pushy. It sounds like they are VERY involved.
When my son became a father, I kinda sat back and let the Mother of the Mother- to- be fuss over her DD before and after the birth.(just like I did when it was my DD) I didn't want to step on any toes, she knew I was there for her for anything she needed. But when the baby was sent home, her Mom went to stay for a couple days to help out. I didn't try to push my way in, I felt that was her Mother's place to be with her daughter. When I first had babies, I also wanted my mom with me. YOU are her Mother, and like another poster stated, just because they help them financially, doesn't buy them a first class seat at the birth. It's up to the couple themselves, who they want or don't want at the birth.

I also made quilts for both my grandchildren and I hope to continue that with each one that comes along.

Enjoy being a grandma!

 

[trip]

Congrats!! It's great being a grandmother.

I just became a gandmother one week ago today. I was in the room while she was in labor but when we knew it was close I went to the waiting room. DD and I had discussed the birth and I told her I really thought it should only be her husband there. She agreed and was relieved that I wasn't upset. I think that special time belongs to the mother and father. My DH only went in the labor room for a short time he couldn't bear to see his baby in pain.

That's how we handled it. My DH, her 2 sisters and I visited with her until it was time for the birth. Then we went to the waiting room, and let it be just DD and her husband there to start their family.

Yeah! I can finally announce it to my friends / family. My daughter (22 and married) is pregnant. What should I plan for and what should I stay out of. The daddy's parents are "extremely involved" in the relationship. So much so that they even help with bills.

Sometimes BIG strings come with "gifts" of money. Does your DD like her inlaws being "extremely involved"?

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

From Rinatra:

I kinda sat back and let the Mother of the Mother- to- be fuss over her DD before and after the birth.(just like I did when it was my DD) I didn't want to step on any toes, she knew I was there for her for anything she needed. But when the baby was sent home, her Mom went to stay for a couple days to help out. I didn't try to push my way in, I felt that was her Mother's place to be with her daughter.

I disagree, I really think it's the husband and wife first. The grandparents (both sides) are both important.

I guess I'm a little confused on why by the quoted poster that the DD's mom would be more important in even seeing the baby after the birth. When I had my children, my husband's family and my family were welcome.

I'm so thankful I was raised to see my dad's parents and my mom's parents as equally valued. And I'm raising my children that way, too.

I guess sometimes it seems that because they are the "in-laws", they are pushy. Maybe as individuals they are, maybe they aren't. But everyone is an "in-law" if there are two sides of a family. Even to a daughter, then the husband is the in-law.

 

[marjie8230]

Thanks to everyone for their support. I guess I feel a little weird because the mother and father-in-law are OVERLY GENEROUS with their two grown children and we are still raising our kids (22 is mom-to-be, 18 out-of-the-house, 9 and almost 4). I surely can't afford to pay their mortgage and such as well as our own. The parents are kind of bordering on enablers but our son-in-law is pretty normal.

I can see a future of excessive gifts and spoiling that my daughter and our family will have to deal with.

Pray that during the pregnancy and beyond this young couple is able to stand up for what they believe is right (with everyone... us, them, outsiders...)

Thanks to everyone who wrote in on this. I really appreciate the input. (By the way, I was invited ... but I'm not sure if I should open that can of worms until the delivery day. She can change her mind at any time and this is a very personal time.

 

[Ranatra]

The grandparents (both sides) are both important.

Of course they're both important, I never said they weren't, but let's face it, when a daughter has a baby, she usually wants her Mom with her when she comes home. I understand that completely(as I have a daughter also).
All I was saying is that I was being sensitive to that, nothing more. Don't make too much of it.

 

[Freyja]

Just wanted to say "CONGRATULATIONS".

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

Posted by Rinatra

Of course they're both important, I never said they weren't, but let's face it, when a daughter has a baby, she usually wants her Mom with her when she comes home. I understand that completely(as I have a daughter also).
All I was saying is that I was being sensitive to that, nothing more. Don't make too much of it.

I am a daughter and a mother, also. I am just saying that I try to consider all feelings when there is such a beautiful blessing. YMMV. That's ok.

As you said, don't make too much of it.

And congrats to all the grandparents here.

 

[mrsheppo]

First of all, congratulations. It's wonderful to be a young grandma. I have 1 granddaughter and 2 of my DDs are pregnant right now.

I was present for my granddaughter's birth. DD and her DH asked me to be present as his mom didn't want to see my DD in pain during childbirth. It was such a special experience to see that precious baby come in to the world. She has asked me to be there when my grandson arrives in June and I definitely plan on it but if she changed her mind, I would understand.

My other DD has also asked me to be there because the dad has bowed out of the picture and she needs the support.

I always wanted grandchildren and I will have 3 within an 18 month period.

Have fun spoiling that little one.