On the heels of President Bush's miraculous victories in both the U.S. and the U.N., God has resigned and appointed George W. Bush as God II. A White House aide said, "The action was not unexepcted."
By Lowell Feld
Holy Hell News Service, Nov 19, 2002 A.D.: In an announcement that stunned the Heavens, God today declared that, after untold billions of years in charge of the Universe, He would step down and name, in His place, George W. Bush as God II, or alternately, The Bush.
In His resignation speech, God stated that He was particularly impressed with the way The Bush, along with Archangel (and top political advisor) Karl Rove, had moved Heaven and Earth in order to get Republicans elected.
God specifically cited The Bushs string of huge triumphs in recent weeks -- leading his party to a crushing victory in U.S. midterm elections; winning a tough U.N. Security Council Resolution on Iraq; and pushing Congress to pass a Homeland Security Department without protection for workers, among other great deeds -- as immediate reasons for His decision. Finally, God added that He was just tired of the job and that, Hell, its time for a change!
In response to Gods announcement, White House Press Spokesman Ari Fleischer rattled off a series of Commandments ten total -- issued by The Bush:
1) Henceforth, U.S. currency shall be modified to include the wording In Bush We Trust.
2) The Pledge of Allegiance shall be altered to One nation, under Bush
3) When someone sneezes, the appropriate response shall now be Bush Bless You!
4) All other names for God (Allah, Jehovah, the Lord, HaShem, and others too numerous to mention) shall be eliminated in favor of one name --The Bush. Belief in The Bush shall henceforth be known as monotheism, also referred to as Conservative Republicanism.
5) All enemies of The Bush shall now be referred to as Evil. Those previously referred to as Evil shall remain Evil. Besides Osama bin Laden and Al Gore, this shall include the majority of Americans who have not yet seen the light and voted for The Bush.
6) To clarify #5: yes, Democrats are enemies of The Bush and therefore very, very Evil. The Greens are not truly Evil but simply misguided and hopefully shall stay that way, since they take votes away from the true Evil -- the Democrats. The Libertarians are only Evil when they take votes away from The Bush.
7) In the future, all Eagle Scouts expelled for failure to declare belief in a higher power shall be readmitted on condition that they swear their undying allegiance to The Bush. Other Boy Scouts are admonished to avoid temptation, particularly the sampling of fruits from forbidden trees.
8) From this day forward, no person shall speak ill of any Republican. In this spirit, elections are hereby abolished as unnecessary and superfluous. The Bush shall reign forever and ever.
9) The Justice Department shall, from this Great Day onwards, be known as the Department of Faith and Inquisition. Grand Inquisitor John Ashcroft shall dispense Justice and enforce all aforementioned directives in the name of The Bush, for all Eternity (or at least until the second coming of the Antichrist Bill Clinton).
This list of directives shall be known by one and all as The Bushs Ten Commandments. Any previous versions of The Ten Commandments, including the cheesy, over-the-top Cecil B. DeMille version with NRA President Charlton Heston as Moses, are hereby superceded.
The Bush is great. Merry Bushmas!
Lowell Feld is a freelance writer living in Washington, DC and is a contributing editor of Intervention Magazine.
Posted Tuesday, Nov. 19, 2002
By Lowell Feld
Holy Hell News Service, Nov 19, 2002 A.D.: In an announcement that stunned the Heavens, God today declared that, after untold billions of years in charge of the Universe, He would step down and name, in His place, George W. Bush as God II, or alternately, The Bush.
In His resignation speech, God stated that He was particularly impressed with the way The Bush, along with Archangel (and top political advisor) Karl Rove, had moved Heaven and Earth in order to get Republicans elected.
God specifically cited The Bushs string of huge triumphs in recent weeks -- leading his party to a crushing victory in U.S. midterm elections; winning a tough U.N. Security Council Resolution on Iraq; and pushing Congress to pass a Homeland Security Department without protection for workers, among other great deeds -- as immediate reasons for His decision. Finally, God added that He was just tired of the job and that, Hell, its time for a change!
In response to Gods announcement, White House Press Spokesman Ari Fleischer rattled off a series of Commandments ten total -- issued by The Bush:
1) Henceforth, U.S. currency shall be modified to include the wording In Bush We Trust.
2) The Pledge of Allegiance shall be altered to One nation, under Bush
3) When someone sneezes, the appropriate response shall now be Bush Bless You!
4) All other names for God (Allah, Jehovah, the Lord, HaShem, and others too numerous to mention) shall be eliminated in favor of one name --The Bush. Belief in The Bush shall henceforth be known as monotheism, also referred to as Conservative Republicanism.
5) All enemies of The Bush shall now be referred to as Evil. Those previously referred to as Evil shall remain Evil. Besides Osama bin Laden and Al Gore, this shall include the majority of Americans who have not yet seen the light and voted for The Bush.
6) To clarify #5: yes, Democrats are enemies of The Bush and therefore very, very Evil. The Greens are not truly Evil but simply misguided and hopefully shall stay that way, since they take votes away from the true Evil -- the Democrats. The Libertarians are only Evil when they take votes away from The Bush.
7) In the future, all Eagle Scouts expelled for failure to declare belief in a higher power shall be readmitted on condition that they swear their undying allegiance to The Bush. Other Boy Scouts are admonished to avoid temptation, particularly the sampling of fruits from forbidden trees.
8) From this day forward, no person shall speak ill of any Republican. In this spirit, elections are hereby abolished as unnecessary and superfluous. The Bush shall reign forever and ever.
9) The Justice Department shall, from this Great Day onwards, be known as the Department of Faith and Inquisition. Grand Inquisitor John Ashcroft shall dispense Justice and enforce all aforementioned directives in the name of The Bush, for all Eternity (or at least until the second coming of the Antichrist Bill Clinton).
This list of directives shall be known by one and all as The Bushs Ten Commandments. Any previous versions of The Ten Commandments, including the cheesy, over-the-top Cecil B. DeMille version with NRA President Charlton Heston as Moses, are hereby superceded.
The Bush is great. Merry Bushmas!
Lowell Feld is a freelance writer living in Washington, DC and is a contributing editor of Intervention Magazine.
Posted Tuesday, Nov. 19, 2002
