Funeral- would this upset you?

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Wow, I guess my family is really weird then!!!!! I have a very large family and unfortunately attend a lot of funerals and I have NEVER seen a son/daughter or adult grandchild not be there except for one that was in the hospital for cancer treatment and one that was serving in Iraq.

Hmm. Showing up at a funeral has nothing to do with a relationship.

 

[puffkin]

Hmm. Showing up at a funeral has nothing to do with a relationship.

Well, it is hard for us because FIL is very upset about not just the passing but with BIL not being there. MIL keeps making excuses for BIL, but it isn't her father that passed. FIL and BIL are very close so this is a big deal to him and is adding a lot of stress at a very difficult time for FIL.

 

[minkydog]

I think it is an extremely personal decision and should not be judged by family members who may be looking for something wrong..................

i agree. Its not my place to judge whether they do it "right" or "wrong." When my father was dying only my 2nd sister & I went to his bedside. Dad was a mean, abusive, arrogant jerk and having lung cancer didn't improve him. The other 3 sibs stayed away completely. After he passed we had a small funeral. Four of us showed up, one didn't bother to return the phone call. I have no animosity toward my siblings for the choices they made. They are the only ones who have to live with them, and so far,they're all doing just fine.

When my grandfather passed I did not go. I let everyone believe that it was because I was pregnant, but the real reason was that this man molested me for years as a child and I didn't feel like going out of my way to "honor" him. OP, you don't know what the back story might be. Could be simply that he needed to be at work. Or it might be something else. Either way, it's his decision and you need to cut him some slack. Its not affecting you at all.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, it is hard for us because FIL is very upset about not just the passing but with BIL not being there. MIL keeps making excuses for BIL, but it isn't her father that passed. FIL and BIL are very close so this is a big deal to him and is adding a lot of stress at a very difficult time for FIL.

Now see that is part of the problem. You need to accept BIL for who he is.

If he is someone who is "unreliable" then stop expecting him to be different.

Oh and the closeness that is percieved here by FIL may not be the same with the BIL.

 

[Teacher03]

It wouldn't upset me, it seems he did what he could.

I think when someone dies, it is easy to replace grief with another emotion such as anger. It kind of takes your mind off of what is really going on. My sympathy to you and your family.

 

[tileman]

1st sorry to hear about the death of your of your DH grandfather.

Back long ago when I was about 16 My grandfather passed away about year after my grandmother was gone

My uncle that lived with my grandfather for like 25yrs never went to the viewing or the funeral.

Why you ask ? Well the SOB was trying to cash my grandfather last social security check

As we went back to the my grandfathers house that day I still remember a few of the men that was at my grandfathers funeral were wanting to go inside and kick some tail end but the women of the group held back and said do not start anything not the time or place for it.

Till this day hmm been over 28yrs I have not seen or care to talk to my uncle.

Maybe it's a southern thing here in florida but I was raised to respect.

Ill get off my soap box

Ron.

 

[cheermom1]

NOPE, wouldn't bother me a bit..he did what he needed to do for HIS family and that is all you can expect from anyone..I didn't go to my aunt's but for different reasons and I sure hope no one got mad at me since I did what I needed to do for my family...

 

[TamaraQT]

It wouldnt bother me at all. What would the complaint among the family have been if he didnt show up at all? His life, his decision. I say move past it and dont be judgemental. I think most complaints among family members have underlying factors and agendas. And here is my reason for saying this in regards to your story. The 'gossip' among the family is that he had to rush back to the side of his DW for Valentines Day. Where as the concern should have been SHOCK and SURPRISE and CONCERN among the family members to imply his leaving was so out of character and maybe something is going on at his home that the family hasnt been made aware of. But, no. The TALK is about how he left without attending the viewing and the funeral. His life and feelings arent being taken into consideration, but he is expected to take others into consideration? I think if you are TRULY a close family, when all is said and done, someone should reach out to see if there is something going on in his life that he could use some support for. Maybe he cant be supportive to others right now because he is going thru something and needs some support of his own.....Just a thought. And I say this with extreme respect and kindness with no intentions to hurt or condemn anyone. I am so sorry for the loss you and your family have suffered.

 

[Allison]

To me it is all irrelevant.

It is not up to us to direct the grief of others and demand their presence just b/c we feel it important.

I agree.

 

[Jennasis]

It's only adding stress because your MIL/FIL are adding stress over it. The BIL is not inherently "adding stress" to the situation. His parents are. Sounds like mom and dad are grieving very hard and looking to place that raw emotion somewhere else...on BIL.

He came...he stayed as long as he could (or wanted to). Should be the end of the story. I can't understand anymore (since I moved away from my HUGE, very close, very Italian family) when people get bent out of shape over this stuff. It has very liberating for me to able to just say no to every family event...including some funerals. I love my family so very much, but sometimes Ican't drop everything and be there.

 

[HM]

It would not bother me at all. I have to give him a lot of credit for coming up to PA to begin with. He took what time he could and came to pay his respects and then had to leave for whatever reason.

I missed both my grandfather's funerals because of distance (MI and IA) and timing. Just because me and my family were not there, did not mean we didn't love my grandfather any less.

 

[cheermom1]

Well, it is hard for us because FIL is very upset about not just the passing but with BIL not being there. MIL keeps making excuses for BIL, but it isn't her father that passed. FIL and BIL are very close so this is a big deal to him and is adding a lot of stress at a very difficult time for FIL.

I don't see mil making excuses though...she is just saying what he said, he wanted to go home to be with his wife and not want to miss work..that is not an excuses on her part she is just saying why he did what he did...

like I said he is doing what he thinks is best for his family right now and you can't fault him for that as we all do what we think is best for our families...

 

[JessicaR]

I think people need to do what they need to do. Your BIL has to live with the choices he makes and, if he's from Virginia, he *might* have missed most of last week for school and needed to get back today. Not all of Virginia was like that but much of Virginia was snowed in last week.

He showed up, he supported the family. I personally think that's enough and I don't think families should judge so harshly.

That totally sums it up for me too.

I also agree that he was there, supported his family and made a choice for what ever his reason was that, it was time to go home. Everyones situation is different.

 

[puffkin]

It wouldnt bother me at all. What would the complaint among the family have been if he didnt show up at all? His life, his decision. I say move past it and dont be judgemental. I think most complaints among family members have underlying factors and agendas. And here is my reason for saying this in regards to your story. The 'gossip' among the family is that he had to rush back to the side of his DW for Valentines Day. Where as the concern should have been SHOCK and SURPRISE and CONCERN among the family members to imply his leaving was so out of character and maybe something is going on at his home that the family hasnt been made aware of. But, no. The TALK is about how he left without attending the viewing and the funeral. His life and feelings arent being taken into consideration, but he is expected to take others into consideration? I think if you are TRULY a close family, when all is said and done, someone should reach out to see if there is something going on in his life that he could use some support for. Maybe he cant be supportive to others right now because he is going thru something and needs some support of his own.....Just a thought. And I say this with extreme respect and kindness with no intentions to hurt or condemn anyone. I am so sorry for the loss you and your family have suffered.

No, they are just hopeless romantics and also very naive. He had NO IDEA what bereavement leave was so it never occurred to him to find out if he got it. He had NO IDEA that many people do not celebrate Valentines Day or do not go all out for it (I did get a card from DH, but understandably it was the last thing on his mind this weekend).

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Well, it is hard for us because FIL is very upset about not just the passing but with BIL not being there. MIL keeps making excuses for BIL, but it isn't her father that passed. FIL and BIL are very close so this is a big deal to him and is adding a lot of stress at a very difficult time for FIL.

My father in law thought my grandmother's passing was so "important' that he didn't call me until a week after the fact.

My grandfather called me 2 days after she passed and his initial comment was "I guess you heard from your dad". umm--nope--but that's par for the course. And no, I didn't say anything rude--but my grandfather is well aware of how my dad can be. (and there is much more to the story regarding my dad's character, but not really getting into it here.)

To me--that is worse than not attending a funeral.

And no--my dad is a bit heartless, so it wasn't liek he was crushed and so struck with grief that he couldn't pass on the news. It was "only" his step-mom. He is just an inconsiderate butt. To me--she was my "real" grandmother as I didn't even know his mother was alive or that his step-mom was a step until I was 12.

To me--if you can't attend a funeral for WHATEVER reason for a skipped generation (so a grandparent, an aunt/uncle/cousin)--no harm no foul. It doesn't mean the person doesn't want to support people or that they do not care. I tried to attend my grandma's funeral and it was on the one day I could not do it. But I had the flights booked for any of the other potential days. Grandpa didn't mind one bit and had never assumed that I would attempt such a trip on such short notice.

I consider the inconsideration of my dad to be many levels worse than what your BIL did. And FIL and BIL probably have a long strained relationship where BIL could do not right even if he did do right. Perhaps MIL makes excuses for a reason.

 

[disney1990]

It would not bother me.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

It would not bother me either and it's really not worth getting all stressed about it anyway because what is done, is done, and you can't change it anyway. I would just be thankful that he came, and leave it at that.

 

[puffkin]

I consider the inconsideration of my dad to be many levels worse than what your BIL did. And FIL and BIL probably have a long strained relationship where BIL could do not right even if he did do right. Perhaps MIL makes excuses for a reason.

See that is the thing. He doens't have a strained relationship at all with anyone. And yes Virginia is far...but not that far. 6 hours or so. He drives up all the time for other stuff, so the distance isn't really a huge factor. I don't think his wife was demanding he come home either...she wanted to be here but couldn't because she just started a new job with funky hours...which everyone understood.

I just don't know anyone who was raised to not attend a grandparents funeral unless for extreme circumstances so this just BOGGLES my mind and FIL is very upset.

 

[wdwfan16]

To clarify....he had school last week. They didn't miss for those storms as their area of Virginia didn't get hit with the storms.

It was his grandfather. That is a pretty close relative in my book.

He wasn't at the viewing. He left the day before.

He FORGOT to find out the bereavement policy in his contract before he left school on Friday.

Still would not bother me.

 

[cheermom1]

See that is the thing. He doens't have a strained relationship at all with anyone. And yes Virginia is far...but not that far. 6 hours or so. He drives up all the time for other stuff, so the distance isn't really a huge factor. I don't think his wife was demanding he come home either...she wanted to be here but couldn't because she just started a new job with funky hours...which everyone understood.

I just don't know anyone who was raised to not attend a grandparents funeral unless for extreme circumstances so this just BOGGLES my mind and FIL is very upset.

But if everyone understands that she can't come b/c of a job why can't you guys understand for him having to go back to work??? It doesn't matter if he didn't look up weather he could have off or not he still chose to go back to work jsut like his wife chose work...