funeral clothes question

[kristilew]

For those of you who have attended a funeral with a child, I have a clothing question.

Some background - DH's uncle died. The funeral will be in a couple of weeks (other family health issues are causing the delay). It just happens that we will pick up DD12 from being away at camp for most of the summer and the next morning head up for the funeral. There will be no time for shopping before we go, and she does not have anything I think of as "funeral-y."

I know the focus won't be on DD anyway, but there will be a lot of older church people at this funeral who I wouldn't want to offend. The choices in DD's closet are a basic dress that happens to be red - she wears this with black shoes and a black cami underneath, it is conservative and not a flamnig red - or a black skirt with subdued flower print that she could wear with a dark teeshirt. I'm thinking the red is too, well, red, and the tee would be too casual.


So my question would be, for anyone who has recently been to a funeral, can a kid get away with a brighter color or more casual outfit? Or do I need to try to buy something for her?

TIA for any thoughts!

 

[Ceila]

I would definitely purchase something new. Perhaps a nicer black top to go with the black floral skirt.

 

[jen0610]

My DD13 would wear one of those two options.

When my uncle passed away last November, the memorial wasn't until the first of December. The kids wore what they had in the closet. They don't have super nice dress clothes, as the churches we attend, are casual and you aren't judged by what you wear. DD13 wore a pair of black jeans and a red and white shirt. DS15 wore a pair of blue jeans and a polo shirt.

The memorial was held in the home town my dad and uncle came from. There were many great aunts/uncles, 2nd and 3rd cousins there and no one was offended. They were just glad to see my kids and get a chance to visit with them.

 

[golfgal]

I guess it depends on your area but I think either would be fine. You still see a lot of dark clothing on adults for funerals but not as much and rarely for kids.

 

[HelenePA]

For all the funerals I've "hosted" (3) I didn't care what people wore.. heck if I even remember what people were wearing! Just have her dress nicely. I was just glad people came..

 

[DVCLiz]

I'd vote the floral skirt and dark tee - and if you have time to shop I would look for a dressier top (not too dressy, just the next step up from a tee).

We had a pretty interesting funeral thread once on the DIS - I was surprised by the number of people who don't own anything suitable for a funeral. Some people got really offended by the idea that they had to buy something special that they wouldn't ordinarily wear.

I thought it was interesting that there are apparently a lot of people on the DIS who don't have any reason in their personal lives to ever wear anything other than jeans and tee shirts.

 

[tommya60]

We have been in this situation. D wore a black/white tweed skirt with a dark cami and a black pullover. Black tights and flats (the skirt was a little short for a funeral). It worked fine. So, I'd say wear the black skirt with a dark (black) shirt. Black flats.

Alternatively, a white blouse with a black cardi sweater, black skirt, black flats could work. Those should be avaliable at Target if no where else....and she might find a lot of uses for the black cardi.

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[msmayor]

I would let her wear what is in her closet and not worry at all.

I've seen adults dress worse for wakes/funerals.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I would go with the floral skirt and nicer shirt unless you're too far away from any shopping centers or malls in order to buy something. As long as the dark tee isn't baggy or faded, it will work ok.

I was recently at a wake and at the wake next door, a woman showed up in a white strapless corset top with flowy black pants. All the older women were totally offended.

 

[kristilew]

I'd vote the floral skirt and dark tee - and if you have time to shop I would look for a dressier top (not too dressy, just the next step up from a tee).

We had a pretty interesting funeral thread once on the DIS - I was surprised by the number of people who don't own anything suitable for a funeral. Some people got really offended by the idea that they had to buy something special that they wouldn't ordinarily wear.

I thought it was interesting that there are apparently a lot of people on the DIS who don't have any reason in their personal lives to ever wear anything other than jeans and tee shirts.

DH and I have a range of clothing appropriate for all occasions. The problem here is that DD is growing a mile a minute and we were planning to do fall shopping once she got home from camp.

She had dress clothes in the spring, but it is all too short now, and I didn't see any point in buying something to just hang in her closet for the summer while she's gone. She wears a uniform to school and casual clothes to church, as her acolyte robes cover them anyway. It's really hard to justify buying more than one dressy outfit at a time when she just doesn't have a chance to wear it more than once or twice before she outgrows it.

 

[kristilew]

Thank you for the quick replies! I'm feeling better - it seems like the average reaction should be "it's fine." I like the idea of getting just a nicer top. Not sure why that didn't occur to me in the first place.

 

[Nette]

When my dad died last year i had the same question. As it turns out, it seems that when dressing smaller children for a funeral (DD was 7) it is actually more correct to dress them in nice clothes that are NOT dark. I forget where I read that, but it was on one of the dear-etiquette-ladies sites.

 

[bettymae1121]

When my mom passed a few years ago, there was quite the mix in clothing. No one minded if it was casual, we were just happy our friends and family could be there.

I'd go with the skirt and top.

 

[mhsjax]

I lost my mom and dad within the last few years, I don't remember what anyone wore, I was just glad that they were there.

Also she is a child, I sure wouldn't worry about what someone thought about what a child was wearing to a funeral.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think the skirt/t-shirt is fine. That is the style out there and frankly it is pretty easy to dress up or down that style.

I recently bought my 13yodd a nicer black skirt with a more dressy top at Express. She needed a dressier outfit and this worked out very well. Keep in mind she is short, 5' 1" so the skirts are not mini, thank goodness.

Here is the skirt...I can't find the top. The saleslady helped out my dd pick something that looked good on her.
http://www.express.com/chiffon-vert...=*&Mpos=24&Mcatn=Skirts&Mpg=SEARCH+NAV&Mrsavf=*

 

[Jeafl]

Unfortunately, my kids have been to LOTS of funerals in their lifetimes. I would say the vast majority of the time the children are dressed in "nice" clothes, but not necessarily dark clothes. I think as long as your daughter looks neat and clean no one will care or say a word. It's silly to spend a lot of money on a dressy outfit she may never wear again.

I do think that adults should have at least one dressy, dark outfit for funerals though (just my opinion).

 

[LuvOrlando]

Sorry for your loss. As long as the clothes are subdued they are appropriate IMO.

 

[TexasErin]

My uncle died in late April. All of DD-13's dresses were either bright and too summery- not that she has that many dresses because our church's youth dress really casual. I really didn't think wearing a flourescent limegreen sundress would be appropriate to a funeral.

I went to Old Navy just to buy her a pair of dress pants- and they had NOTHING. So I went to Justice and a very nice saleslady helped me pick out a pair of dark navy pants and a blue/green plaid shirt, which was honestly the best I could find. Late spring is evidently a difficult time of year to be able to find kids' clothes to wear to a funeral- 95% of everything was shorts, tank tops, or t-shirts. Plus its also hard to shop when you're just trying to pull yourself together enough to not be crying while shopping....

Nobody noticed what DD wore. As others have said, I would go with the floral skirt and a nicer top, but if you can't find a nicer top this time of year, I think the tee that she usually wears with the skirt will be just fine.

I'm very sorry for your loss......

 

[DVCLiz]

DH and I have a range of clothing appropriate for all occasions. The problem here is that DD is growing a mile a minute and we were planning to do fall shopping once she got home from camp.

She had dress clothes in the spring, but it is all too short now, and I didn't see any point in buying something to just hang in her closet for the summer while she's gone. She wears a uniform to school and casual clothes to church, as her acolyte robes cover them anyway. It's really hard to justify buying more than one dressy outfit at a time when she just doesn't have a chance to wear it more than once or twice before she outgrows it.

Oh, I hope you don't think I was referring to you - I wasn't! I am sure your daughter will be fine in whatever you choose. I was just remembering that thread and how mad people got - it was more of a comment on how people seem to think the occasion should change to suit whatever they want to wear to a more formal occasion (wedding, church, funeral, etc.) rather than being willing to buy the appropriate clothing to suit the occasion.

And I am sorry for your loss, too, btw.

 

[NotUrsula]

...
I do think that adults should have at least one dressy, dark outfit for funerals though (just my opinion).

I agree about kids -- as long as the outfit is clean and not covered in a smiley-face print or something like that, no one really cares. If it really matters to you, you can pin a black ribbon on if you want.

I had to comment on your other comment, though. I agree completely, but I would add one more word: "conservative". I have witnessed several funeral situations lately where I have seen young ladies (late teens and early 20's) wearing black cocktail dresses. Yes, it is dressy and it is dark, but a black-sequined halter minidress is still NOT appropriate for a funeral! Please, girls, cover your shoulders and cleavage and don't wear anything with sequins or beads on it.

(Note that the above is not directed at the OP's situation; it is just a comment on funeral attire in general.)