Forgotten Aunt

[kamik86]

One thing I am starting to realize is that people have very different expectations of what they would like others to do. And many people do what they want others to do for them.

For example. If my parents go into the hosptial for any reason one of my sisters will always want to be there the whole time and spend it with the other parent. When she is in the hospital she also always wants people around.

When my husband went to the emergency room one night because he was having stomach/side pains my parents wondered why I didn't call them. I wondered why they would think (or want me to) call them in the middle of the night and wake them up for what turned out to be something very minor that we just spent a few hours in the hospital for.

When I'm sick (never stayed overnight in the hospital) I don't really want most people around. My husband is good about knowing if I am ok and just want to be alone so he will just do something in the other room and be there if I need him. But in high school if I was sick mom wanted to take off and be home with me all day. I hated this I just wanted to sleep most of it anyway. If I felt a bit better I might do some homework or play on the computer. I did not need someone asking if I was ok 20 times an hour... I went to school sick half the time I didn't feel well just because it felt like more work to me to stay home.

I realized one time when mom was upset that I would just wait for an update from one of them when Dad was having out patient surgery that they seem to expect more then I would want so they don't understand why I don't do this. Me it would never occur to me to offer to go even if I could, because I wouldn't want someone there that I would feel like I need to talk to.

So maybe your nieces and nephews aren't "visiting" kind of people. Maybe they prefer to just relax at home and aren't that social. I'm not. Besides my parents I don't go to people's houses. If I was invited I would probably but not normally. My DH is even more introverted and half the time turns down invitations. Maybe your just more social then they are and they have no idea you want them to call.

 

[kamik86]

thank you for all your replies--and believe it or not I've pretty much gone over all those reasons everyones brought up. my neices and nephews are all in their late 20's and 30's with busy lifes and families. I understand they are busy, but the times I have invited them over it has always been for dinner. they have never just called to come over to chat, and very rarely have I gotten a phone call. My one niece has texted me occasionlly, but even though that is her preferred method of communication-it's not mine.

I am childless and unmarried, but I work fulltime and have many friends and am very involved in my church. I just wish my family was closer-but I guess that isn't done very much anymore.

I was caregiver to both my parents (who've both passed now) and I'd like to address that person who doesn't see his/her parent very much-- we don't know how much time we have on this earth, don't think "I'll visit them tomorrow"--because tomorrow they might not be here. Give those people that you love a great big hug and a heartfelt "I love you", you'll both feel better.

That is just what I mean. Why should she always call when that isn't her preferred method of communication? She prefers to text. So do I because then if I'm doing something I can get back to you in five minutes. I don't need to explain why I need to leave if I have something else to do and can't talk long and if my phone is getting bad service (because most of the time I find to call anyone is while my husband is driving us somehwere) don't have to ask you to repeat something.

 

[shortbun]

I had two aunts and three great aunts that I knew. I was co-care giver for one great and one auntie. The others, I celebrated THEIR birthdays with gifts, called them and took my son to see them when he was little until they passed. I had family cook outs and they were all invited, every time. My one great was at my wedding-the hit of my wedding, matter of fact. She was crazy funny and fun. I don't understand children not being taught to honor and love these great family jewels.

Then-my own sister would spend time with my son until she got a boyfriend and then disappear which was difficult for him to understand. When she got married, she stopped seeing us except at holidays. That was difficult for ME to understand. I, one time, asked her to spend some time with my son and she told me I had hurt her feelings telling her my son missed her.

Not all aunts are cut from the same cloth. When the topic of my sister comes up, I tell my son about the wonderful times she and he spent together when he was little. I hope he feels the love.

 

[Princess Row]

I honestly wish I had aunts/uncles that would take me out or do things now or when I was younger.
On my dads side my two aunts are nothing. One is 50 and lives with my grandparents and the other is just....I'm not even sure what to say.
My moms side my uncle and aunt I see them ocassionally but they are nothing really either.

Then I have my dads brother with down syndrome. he is my closest uncle to me and I couldn't ask for a better uncle!

I am closer with my boyfriends aunt/uncle than my own. I always make an effort to see them when I can.....

Sorry they don't invite you out, if you were related to me I would do it in a heartbeat!!

 

[DopeyDame]

Sooo ... do you think it's expecting too much to be invited over or called once a year that doesn't involve bringing a gift? For a lot of us, that's what we're talking about - not daily interaction, just any interaction at all that doesn't involve parting with our money. I personally don't think that's expecting too much. Matter of fact, I don't think that's expecting much at all.

I think you're making a big, and unfair, leap to assume they are only inviting you to bday parties or Christmas for the presents. I'm extraordinarily confident that if you showed up at their kids birthday party without a present, they'd be thrilled you were there and wouldn't be at all upset you didn't "part with your money" They are probably inviting you to the birthday to CELEBRATE the birth of their child! In their minds, inviting you to birthday parties and other events IS reaching out and fostering interaction. In fact, they may think "we invite her to all of our family parties and events, and she hasn't so much as picked up the phone to say hi!"
If parting with your money makes the event less special or legitimat in your eyes, stop parting with your money, and enjoy these wonderful celebrations, as I'm sure your neice and nephew hope you do.

 

[minkydog]

Dear nieces and nephews- I remembered your birthdays and gave you presents every year until you were 18. I give you a christmas present every year. I took all of you (individually) on a special outing or trip when you were 10. I've never asked anything of any of you, because I didn't do these things expecting anything--but not one of you invites me anywhere or to do anything unless it involves me giving a present. Is it to much to ask that one of you might invite me out for a lousy cup of coffee or something?

Exactly why I cut them off at age 18. Although, DNephew did invite me to attend his small wedding and it was a blast. I gave him a sentimental wedding gift and a baby gift(his fiance was pregnant with her 5th baby--oy!) Of course, there is not thank you note. Not that I expected one. But there will be no further Christmas gifts or birthday gifts.

I have always given gifts because I wanted to, not to receive anything in return. But I have to admit, it irks me a little that there is no gratitude from most of them. I do have one 14yo niece who never fails to write a thank you note. She is autistic, too. I find it ironic that the only one who thanks me is the one with a significant social disability.

 

[BearcatsFan]

I think you're making a big, and unfair, leap to assume they are only inviting you to bday parties or Christmas for the presents. I'm extraordinarily confident that if you showed up at their kids birthday party without a present, they'd be thrilled you were there and wouldn't be at all upset you didn't "part with your money" They are probably inviting you to the birthday to CELEBRATE the birth of their child! In their minds, inviting you to birthday parties and other events IS reaching out and fostering interaction. In fact, they may think "we invite her to all of our family parties and events, and she hasn't so much as picked up the phone to say hi!"
If parting with your money makes the event less special or legitimat in your eyes, stop parting with your money, and enjoy these wonderful celebrations, as I'm sure your neice and nephew hope you do.

It would be nice to think so, wouldn't it? Not all families are happy with "your presence is gift enough". We have been told specifically what to buy/bring for the children because, as nephew said, "If you buy something CHEAP they won't want it or play with it."

It isn't just parties for the children, it's also parties for the ADULT niece and nephew (both in their 30's) ... where gifts are also required, thrown by their parents or their spouses. In those instances, it's gift cards to specific stores that are mentioned in conversation.

I wish we could just "show up" without anything in hand, but that isn't the case in our situation. We tried it one time and one time only and you should have seen the looks we got when it was "present time".

Trust me when I say we're only invited for what we can contribute monetarily. Again, we've asked to come to ball games, soccer games, etc., have invited them over many times - it goes nowhere because there aren't gifts associated with those activities.

 

[disneydee6]

I LOVE my aunts! I keep in touch with all of them via email. Some respond often, and some its easier to text a quick hello. I know that keeping in touch with all family is so important. My aunt that did not have kids (until recently, five more days and we are hoping the closed adoption goes through!!!! Prayers please!) and she would always take the time to take the kids out, and when I got older, out for lunch. Not everyone is great with phone calls, so if emails and texts are the best way to keep in touch, then thats what I'll do! So if you feel forgotten, email or text your nieces and nephews and suggest a lunch, and use it back and forth to keep in touch with the day to day stuff!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It would be nice to think so, wouldn't it? Not all families are happy with "your presence is gift enough". We have been told specifically what to buy/bring for the children because, as nephew said, "If you buy something CHEAP they won't want it or play with it."

It isn't just parties for the children, it's also parties for the ADULT niece and nephew (both in their 30's) ... where gifts are also required, thrown by their parents or their spouses. In those instances, it's gift cards to specific stores that are mentioned in conversation.

I wish we could just "show up" without anything in hand, but that isn't the case in our situation. We tried it one time and one time only and you should have seen the looks we got when it was "present time".

Trust me when I say we're only invited for what we can contribute monetarily. Again, we've asked to come to ball games, soccer games, etc., have invited them over many times - it goes nowhere because there aren't gifts associated with those activities.

Wow....

Do any of them give YOU a gift for birthday's or holiday's?

 

[bethy]

I've been an aunt since I was 10. My nieces and nephews were like my children, I loved them sooooo much.

As they grew up they grew away... the first one REALLY hurt, the next one not as much, the third... heck by then I was used to it!!

Now I'm close with THEIR children. My niece's daughter moved to Georgia to go to school and she's the sweetest thing ever. My nephew's son and his wife just had a baby and he comes to visit us often.

There is always a time that they can't be bothered with the older members of the family, but if you hang in there, they will come back. They are just more into people their own age until they're through their 30s, then all of a sudden you're all the same age.

My oldest nephew and I reminisce a lot, we shared a LOT growing up. It's not that it's OVER, it's just that it had it's time, when he needed me. The memories he has are so sweet and positive, I know they had an effect on his life. And sometimes, that's the best thing we can give them.

Lovely post! I am learning in my life that relationships change. And that even if two people grow apart it doesn't mean that the wonderful earlier times never happened. They happened and will always be a part of us. But yes, relationships do sometimes change and have different seasons.

Also, I am a giver. But if I am not careful I find that in my mind sometimes my endless giving comes with strings attached even if I don't want to admit it. I see that as my own problem. If I invest in a relationship and find that the other person is not willing to invest at the same level then no one can do anything about that except me. I am trying to give a little less in order to avoid future resentment on my part.

The only actions we can control are our own.

 

[BearcatsFan]

Wow....

Do any of them give YOU a gift for birthday's or holiday's?

Nope - that being said, we don't have parties for ourselves or each other because we feel like we're past that age, KWIM? As far as holidays, no gifts there either. I don't give to get in return, though. For us, it isn't about reciprocation of gifts - it's about thinking of us outside the gift box, as it were.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Nope - that being said, we don't have parties for ourselves or each other because we feel like we're past that age, KWIM? As far as holidays, no gifts there either. I don't give to get in return, though. For us, it isn't about reciprocation of gifts - it's about thinking of us outside the gift box, as it were.

Yes, but that is not right though. If they are going to demand you get your 30yo niece a gift card to Bed Bath and Beyond then there should be some reciprocity there.

Of course all this is foreign to me because I would prefer to not give or receive gifts and have clearly stated this.

 

[design_mom]

I have a somewhat different, but somewhat related problem. I have an aunt who was really good to me growing up. I love her dearly.

She has two adult daughters but neither have children. She dotes on my children, and my sister's children, which we appreciate... but *every* time we see her, she has a gift for the kids. We invite her to parties. We invite her to join us at the zoo. We invite her to the kids' soccer games, dance recitals, etc. She brings *something* for the kids every time.

We have occasionally called to ask if it was okay if we stopped by "just to say hi." She always says yes, but when we get there we can tell she's rushed out to buy something for the kids prior to our arrival.

I have told her that she doesn't need to bring my kids all this stuff. My mother (her sister) has told her the same thing. We have not said you *can't* give them something, just that she doesn't need to. Although my kids are gracious enough not to say "what'd you bring me?!?" when they see her, I know they have come to expect gifts from her because she always gives them.

Although we love to see her, I have to admit that I'm sometimes reluctant to call her -- especially spur of the moment -- because I know that by issuing the invitation she's going to feel like she has to get gifts for the kids before she comes (even though I've told her a bunch of times that it's *not* necessary.)

 

[bethy]

I have a somewhat different, but somewhat related problem. I have an aunt who was really good to me growing up. I love her dearly.

She has two adult daughters but neither have children. She dotes on my children, and my sister's children, which we appreciate... but *every* time we see her, she has a gift for the kids. We invite her to parties. We invite her to join us at the zoo. We invite her to the kids' soccer games, dance recitals, etc. She brings *something* for the kids every time.

We have occasionally called to ask if it was okay if we stopped by "just to say hi." She always says yes, but when we get there we can tell she's rushed out to buy something for the kids prior to our arrival.

I have told her that she doesn't need to bring my kids all this stuff. My mother (her sister) has told her the same thing. We have not said you *can't* give them something, just that she doesn't need to. Although my kids are gracious enough not to say "what'd you bring me?!?" when they see her, I know they have come to expect gifts from her because she always gives them.

Although we love to see her, I have to admit that I'm sometimes reluctant to call her -- especially spur of the moment -- because I know that by issuing the invitation she's going to feel like she has to get gifts for the kids before she comes (even though I've told her a bunch of times that it's *not* necessary.)

As long as it works for her then I think this is OK. Gifts are probably
Her love language. My MIL is the same way.

 

[kidshop]

Nope - that being said, we don't have parties for ourselves or each other because we feel like we're past that age, KWIM? As far as holidays, no gifts there either. I don't give to get in return, though. For us, it isn't about reciprocation of gifts - it's about thinking of us outside the gift box, as it were.

So they invite you at christmas, and you are required to have gifts for everyone, and there are none for you? Maybe you don't really want to be around these people. I wouldn't. Who needs that?

 

[Buckalew11]

I have a somewhat different, but somewhat related problem. I have an aunt who was really good to me growing up. I love her dearly.

She has two adult daughters but neither have children. She dotes on my children, and my sister's children, which we appreciate... but *every* time we see her, she has a gift for the kids. We invite her to parties. We invite her to join us at the zoo. We invite her to the kids' soccer games, dance recitals, etc. She brings *something* for the kids every time.

We have occasionally called to ask if it was okay if we stopped by "just to say hi." She always says yes, but when we get there we can tell she's rushed out to buy something for the kids prior to our arrival.

I have told her that she doesn't need to bring my kids all this stuff. My mother (her sister) has told her the same thing. We have not said you *can't* give them something, just that she doesn't need to. Although my kids are gracious enough not to say "what'd you bring me?!?" when they see her, I know they have come to expect gifts from her because she always gives them.

Although we love to see her, I have to admit that I'm sometimes reluctant to call her -- especially spur of the moment -- because I know that by issuing the invitation she's going to feel like she has to get gifts for the kids before she comes (even though I've told her a bunch of times that it's *not* necessary.)

My MIL and SIL are like this. They are just being kind. It bugs me though. My MIL and SIL do not have to "run out on the spur of the moment" though. They buy stuff as they see it and put it up.

If a friend of MIL's stopped by and had her grandson with her, you can bet he'd be getting a gift from the "gift closet", lol. She's a giver.


I do not give Christmas presents to my nieces and nephews. I give small b-day gifts though. I stopped that a long time ago because my sister would TELL me what to buy. I just said forget it. I'm guessing this stopped when the oldest was 2 and there are 7 of them.

For Christmas, they'd come over to my house and we'd watch movies, eat pizza and make cookies. It was a blast! And they remembered it and what we watched, games we played etc. where as when I gave a gift, they could not even remember what I gave them a week later to even be able to write a thank you not because they received so much stuff!

 

[BearcatsFan]

So they invite you at christmas, and you are required to have gifts for everyone, and there are none for you? Maybe you don't really want to be around these people. I wouldn't. Who needs that?

No, I can honestly say most of the time I do not want to be around them. I do love them and their children, though - they're family, and unfortunately you can't choose your family. I just keep hoping one day the phone will ring and it won't be to invite us to a party or because they need something from us.

So sorry OP - I feel like I kinda hijacked your thread with my family woes!

 

[emma'smom]

I think this is a valid issue.

Growing up all of my aunts/uncles/cousins were invited to every family event (holidays, birthdays, weddings, baptisms, etc).

As the cousins grew up and started their own families they have tended to invite their own generation (cousins) to the events (birthday parties, baptisms, etc) and socialize, vacation together, etc.

I'll admit that it does seem like the older generation now plays second fiddle and is sometimes left out. Not of big things like Christmas, but 4th of July BBQ's and those type of things whereby, when we were all the kids, the older generation was all involved.

 

[Swan4Me]

I was only close to one aunt after reaching adulthood because she and my Mom were close and we were neighbors. I never called or wrote the others and saw them infrequently.
I really thinkOP is expecting a relationship that is not common with adult neices and nephews and their relatives. and a LOT of the OP's feelings are probably due to the fact that she doesn't have kids, when they become adults their parents cant nudge them to do this visiting like when they were kids...KWIM?