Forgotten Aunt

[happywanderer2]

Dear nieces and nephews- I remembered your birthdays and gave you presents every year until you were 18. I give you a christmas present every year. I took all of you (individually) on a special outing or trip when you were 10. I've never asked anything of any of you, because I didn't do these things expecting anything--but not one of you invites me anywhere or to do anything unless it involves me giving a present. Is it to much to ask that one of you might invite me out for a lousy cup of coffee or something?

 

[minechuchie]

I feel for you. I go thru the same thing...unless the nieces and nephews need something they very rarely call. It is sad.

 

[BearcatsFan]

I feel this way too, especially on the present thing. We have nieces and nephews that drive right past our house to go to their parents home, but don't stop by. Then they have the nerve to say, "You should come by sometime, see the kids!" Oh, but those birthday party invitations never fail to reach us.

 

[Buckalew11]

I liken being an involved Aunt to what an involved grandparent can feel like once kids get older and independent.

A lot of give, give, give and then not much.

I have been very involved with all my oldest sisters kids. Took all of the both sister's kids to WDW. I hear more from one nephew than anyone else and, of course, 2 or 3x a year when the girls want haircuts and stuff.

I think it is just one of those relationships...

I really should call my Aunt Joan.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm sorry.

 

[4nana]

Awww how sad .... that's just wrong on so many levels.

 

[kamik86]

Honestly the only time I see my aunts are occasions where presents are given. I have lately seen them at:
baby showers (not mine, ones for their daugthers actually, however when I have a child they would be invited to mine)
my wedding a few years ago
I would have seen them at my uncles funeral had I been able to attend (he died around the same time my MIL did and the time of our wedding and we couldn't afford to make the trip)

I have seen my uncle even less, and he was the one that gave the best presents and did stuff with me as a kid. People grow up and grow apart. Honestly I don't visit my parents often just because either and we live 10 min away. If either of us need anything we can always call up the other though.

To me it goes both ways. You could just as easily invite them to stop by or you could call them up and ask if it would be ok to stop by and see the kids sometime. They probably figure that you have your own friends and your own life. I know my aunts do. They have their grandchildren and their friends to spend time with.

 

[kathie859]

Dear nieces and nephews- I remembered your birthdays and gave you presents every year until you were 18. I give you a christmas present every year. I took all of you (individually) on a special outing or trip when you were 10. I've never asked anything of any of you, because I didn't do these things expecting anything--but not one of you invites me anywhere or to do anything unless it involves me giving a present. Is it to much to ask that one of you might invite me out for a lousy cup of coffee or something?

OP....I understand what you're saying, but sometimes we have to ask for what we want! If you'd like to see your family either call them up and invite them over for coffee and cake or ask when it'd be convenient for you to drop by to "catch up" with them.

 

[GaRain]

Being the aunt with no children of my own - I know what you mean. Lucky for me, most of mine are still young. If I could just convince my nephew to get on a plane, I will take him to Disney World - I took his sister!

I miss my aunt emensly! I would go over just to see her. Take her to lunch and stuff. I would help with my uncle - he had parkinsons - especially when none of her children could stop their lives to help out. Unfortunately, she was so busy taking care of everyone else, she didn't take care of herself and she passed from liver failure (never had more than a glass of wine at a time in her life!).

Ask for the time, because time is precious.....sometimes you just have to do it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If you want things to change you have to be proactive, esp. with the teen-young adult crowd. Pick up the phone and chat or invite them over.

 

[happygirl]

If you want things to change you have to be proactive, esp. with the teen-young adult crowd. Pick up the phone and chat or invite them over.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I agree to the it goes both ways. I understand the OP situation is one sides but to my aunts who not one had called me to see how I am doing since my husband has been deployed it makes me a little sad
Ecp since I lived with one of them of from the time I was 13 until I moved onto my own and and then left for the AF

 

[Princess Dolly]

Yep it certainly works both ways. My aunts, uncles and grandparents pretty much abandoned me when my known mentally ill mother moved us to another state. Thanks you all! Didn't even try to intervene. Yep, warm, happy, fuzzy memories there.

Thank goodness to consider someone family you don't have to be related by blood.

 

[DisneyElite4]

I can see both sides to this one.

I have three aunts. Aunt A did not have any children, Aunt B adopted two children who is not super close with them now as grown adults and Aunt C had five children and 13 grandchildren.

I love all my aunts, and they have all played a different role in my life growing up and as an adult. We all live pretty far apart throughout the country, so we don't get to see each other that much and didn't when I was little either. Aunt A and Aunt C have been the most involved throughout the years and the two that I still keep in touch with regularly.

For those of you that feel your nieces/nephews don't visit/talk to you enough - do you have children/grandchildren of your own? I am wondering if this feeling of being left out comes from those that did not have any children, or if it's just a universal feeling.

I know that Aunt A feels this way sometimes - we do our best to include her in as much as possible, but sometimes we just want to be our own family unit (our parents, their kids and grandkids). She is always invited on holidays if she can make it down, but sometimes we want to go on vacation without her or do some special outing that is just our family. I think that grown nieces and nephews don't have as much time to go around - they may be in school full time, have full time jobs, raising children, other activities, etc. What little free time there is usually goes to their parents and their in-laws, and any siblings they may have. I imagine that can be hard for those that don't have any children of their own, especially if you made an effort to be involved in their lives as young children. I honestly think that as children grow up their relationships with family members change, and it seems among my friends that most don't stay as close with aunts/uncles.

But for the OP - if it's really important to you, you be the initiator. Call them up and ask for a coffee/lunch date or ask when you can swing by. That may be the only way you get to spend time with them - this may help develop an adult relationship that is two-sided instead of just you wishing they would visit more or ask you out for coffee.

 

[snapppyd]

I know how you feel.

I have 7 nieces and nephews and 6 grand nieces and nephews. I have never failed to send a check to every one of them for their birthday, Christmas, communions, graduations, etc. I don't have kids of my own so we don't have parties where anyone has to reciprocate.

It would be nice if once in a while they remembered to send me or my husband a birthday card. I guess things are different these days?

I do understand they are busy, but if you can write a million activities on your calendar involving your friends and your kids friends why can't you remember your relatives?

 

[eliza61]

If you want things to change you have to be proactive, esp. with the teen-young adult crowd. Pick up the phone and chat or invite them over.

Gotta go with the above advice. As a former child/teen/young adult with plenty of aunties and uncles, truthfully it never occured to me to call them up. I don't think I was abnormally selfish but I just simply had my own little "universe" aunts and uncles were people whom I loved but I didn't view them as people to "hang out with".

 

[BearcatsFan]

<snip>

For those of you that feel your nieces/nephews don't visit/talk to you enough - do you have children/grandchildren of your own? I am wondering if this feeling of being left out comes from those that did not have any children, or if it's just a universal feeling.

I do not have children of my own. That being said, it isn't about reciprocating with the gifts ... it's about picking up the phone once in a while for something that doesn't involve me buying something or actually pulling in the driveway for 5 minutes as they're headed past.

And trust me, we've invited them over lots of times ... for pizza, cards, cookouts, etc. It is always declined or they just murmur "Ummm yeah that would be fun sometime" and sometime never comes. Yet they get bent out of shape when we turn down the birthday party invites where a gift is involved for them or their children. We've begged them to send us the soccer schedules for their kids so we can meet up for a game - never happens.

It really makes you feel unappreciated and ill-used. I'm in contact with my elderly aunt at least twice a week and we go visit monthly. She helped raise me - the least I can do is pick up the phone and let her know she still matters to me.

 

[scrapquitler]

Dear nieces and nephews- I remembered your birthdays and gave you presents every year until you were 18. I give you a christmas present every year. I took all of you (individually) on a special outing or trip when you were 10. I've never asked anything of any of you, because I didn't do these things expecting anything--but not one of you invites me anywhere or to do anything unless it involves me giving a present. Is it to much to ask that one of you might invite me out for a lousy cup of coffee or something?

I heard the same thing from my 'forgotten aunt' (actually it was my Grandmother) Here's what I would have said to her if I knew she wouldn't have flipped out. You might want to think about what I say from the neice/nephews perspective (I AM NOT SAYING THIS APPLIES TO YOU, BUT CONSIDER THAT THERE MIGHT BE A REASON THEY NEVER CALL YOU)

Dear Grandma,
I'm a college student now, and my life is extremely busy. It would be nice to hang out with you and have coffee, but if you are going to bring up that trip to the zoo when I was 10 every single time you see me, you should realize that I'm tired of hearing about how grateful I should be about it. I'm sorry that I threw up at lunch that day and ruined it for you.

Maybe you should consider that every time I see you, you spend half the time we are together comparing me to my cousin, who you seem to think is perfect. Honestly, I'm tired of hearing how perfect she is and how I should try to be more like her. I'm not her. Sorry you are so disappointed in me, but you make me feel about an inch tall and not worthy, so it's not fun to hang out with you.

When I do call you and visit, you then complain that the restaurant where we have lunch is far inferior to how it used to be 'back in the day' and you steal all the packets of sugar and stuff your rolls in your purse, and frankly, it embarasses me.

Then when I have to take you home so I can go to my afternoon class, you complain about how lonely you are and that I never stay enough. I'm sorry that I can't spend the whole day, but you should realize that I am making an effort. And please, don't call my Mom afterwards and tell her that my hair is appalling and I should have dressed up more.

Love, your granddaughter who feels like spending time with you is a huge chore.

Seriously, my Granmother used to make me feel like crap everytime I visted her. Is it possible that you are doing the same and don't realize it?

OF course it is also entirely possible that all your neices and nephews were raised with poor manners. And if that is the case, I'm sorry maybe it would be better to find some other neighbor children/young adults to get close to.

 

[Stitchfans]

I used to call my aunt allot but haven't much lately. She suffers from dementia. I struggled though many a conversation answering the same questions that she fixates on for a quite sometime. Lately whenever I call she gets so confused and so loses interest in talking. She often ends the conversation shortly after it begins.

She lives all alone since my uncle passed away. She roams through the empty house, forgets to eat sometimes, sleeps allot and sometimes watches tv. My cousin, her son lives across the street from her. He sees to it that she takes her pills and at least eats one meal a day. She is so frail the last I saw her. It breaks my heart.

 

[scrapquitler]

Dear nieces and nephews- I remembered your birthdays and gave you presents every year until you were 18. I give you a christmas present every year. I took all of you (individually) on a special outing or trip when you were 10. I've never asked anything of any of you, because I didn't do these things expecting anything--but not one of you invites me anywhere or to do anything unless it involves me giving a present. Is it to much to ask that one of you might invite me out for a lousy cup of coffee or something?

I heard the same thing from my 'forgotten aunt' (actually it was my Grandmother) Here's what I would have said to her if I knew she wouldn't have flipped out. You might want to think about what I say from the neice/nephews perspective (I AM NOT SAYING THIS APPLIES TO YOU, BUT CONSIDER THAT THERE MIGHT BE A REASON THEY NEVER CALL YOU)

Dear Grandma,
I'm a college student now, and my life is extremely busy. It would be nice to hang out with you and have coffee, but if you are going to bring up that trip to the zoo when I was 10 every single time you see me, you should realize that I'm tired of hearing about how grateful I should be about it. I'm sorry that I threw up at lunch that day and ruined it for you.

Maybe you should consider that every time I see you, you spend half the time we are together comparing me to my cousin, who you seem to think is perfect. Honestly, I'm tired of hearing how perfect she is and how I should try to be more like her. I'm not her. Sorry you are so disappointed in me, but you make me feel about an inch tall and not worthy, so it's not fun to hang out with you.

When I do call you and visit, you then complain that the restaurant where we have lunch is far inferior to how it used to be 'back in the day' and you steal all the packets of sugar and stuff your rolls in your purse, and frankly, it embarasses me.

Then when I have to take you home so I can go to my afternoon class, you complain about how lonely you are and that I never stay enough. I'm sorry that I can't spend the whole day, but you should realize that I am making an effort. And please, don't call my Mom afterwards and tell her that my hair is appalling and I should have dressed up more.

Love, your granddaughter who feels like spending time with you is a huge chore.

Seriously, my Granmother used to make me feel like crap everytime I visted her. Is it possible that you are doing the same and don't realize it?

OF course it is also entirely possible that all your neices and nephews were raised with poor manners. And if that is the case, I'm sorry maybe it would be better to find some other neighbor children/young adults to get close to.