Feeling guilty for purchasing airfare

[Tinkim]

I don't know if this is the right board or not but here goes. Last February, I decided to take my kids to WDW. I was afraid to tell my best friend because she is a Disney junkie like me and I knew she couldn't afford to go. I didn't tell her right away but I finally did when the time seemed right. She took it okay but I know she was sad we were going without her. She went the year before with us and our kids and her kids. We had a pretty good time but her DH was sick with cancer and I ended up paying for some things for her because the money situation turned bad. She did pay me back but it took almost two years and there are countless times I have loaned her smaller amounts of money which I know she intended to pay back but things happen and I usually stop thinking about it. Now to my current dilemma . . .

Best friend's DH passed away last April. She really wanted to go with us to WDW in Feb 2006. She paid for WDW tickets and half of the house we are renting. Then once again things came up and she was struggling with money. As some of you know Delta has been having a sale recently. I was planning on waiting for a Ding for SW but that wouldn't have happened until probably October. Just for fun I checked out Delta's website and saw the tickets for $128. I called DH and he said "BUY THEM NOW." The cheapest flight we have ever gotten was $215 on SW. I did buy the tickets because I know if I waited they would be gone. Now I am feeling guilty because I bought the tickets and didn't tell best friend. I have a feeling she isn't going to be able to go and I can't finance her trip again. I know honesty is the best policy but I also know she doesn't have the money for the plane tickets right now so I don't know if I should say anything. BTW I know you are probably thinking best friend shouldn't be going anywhere but that is another debate all together. Would you tell her now or just wait and see if she can even afford the trip later this year as it might be a moot point anyway?

 

[lizziepooh]

I would be up front and tell her now. You can just say that a good rate came up and DH told you to purchase now for your family. She can take it from there. It is up to her whether or not she can afford to go. If you wait and tell her later, she will think you were holding back information and things could get sticky.

 

[Traveliz]

In casual conversation I would tell her that you jumped on airfare for your family since the rates were so good. You might mention she should keep an eye out now for rates too - that might facilitate a conversation on whether or not she is going too.

Don't feel guilty about taking care of your family. As much as we would like to we can't take care of everyone. You can certainly be sensitive in conversations with her but keeping it from her is just likely to backfire.

Liz

 

[planning06]

I would be honest. Tell her that you and dh decided to buy tickets spur of the moment because it was a great deal. You know she can't afford to plan a vacation right now but you hope by the time it get's closer to Feb06 that her finances will be such that she can plan to join you. Let her know that you would like and are hoping that she will be able to go, but don't offer to pay for her. Sometimes it is hard but you can't always live your life just to make others happy. It isn't fair to you or your dh to put a damper on your plans because your friend wants to go but can't afford it. Such is life.

 

[Tinkim]

Thank you. I know you're both right and I have to mention it. I think my DH would be happy if I was less inclined to take care of everyone. It gets expensive. I just know that when I bring it up she is probably going to be hurt because I didn't "wait" for her. I think she is afraid to fly on her own with the kids too. We had a similar situation last time because when I got ready to buy the tickets she didn't have enough money so I bought them so we could all go together. I knew she would pay me back eventually but I also knew it would take a long time. She is my best friend and I love her a lot but she "stinks with money" as she puts it. I just dread the conversation because I think she will be upset that I didn't wait but I know it needs to be discussed. Thanks again.

 

[EthansMom]

If I were you, I tell your friend about the flights and give her all of the information if she wants to book the same flights. But, if she asks you to "help her out", just say, "I'm sorry, I would like to help you out, but I just don't have the extra money, right now."

Don't feel guilty -- it's up to you to determine what to do with your money and multiple no-interest loans to a friend for non-emergencies isn't something I would recommend to strengthen a friendship.

 

[MKCP5]

not to be mean, but if your friend needed money to feed her children, or to pay rent so that she wouldn't lose her house, that would be one thing. But we are talking about a great privilege here....a family vacation. Many people never see one. Your own family needs to be free to enjoy your trip without worry about someone elses financial situation. You're going to get into things like, well, we can't go to a character dinner because she can't afford it, and that's unfair. Or, well, we shouldn't buy this because her kids will want one too. That is taking away from your own family and their trip. Does she "stink" with money because she always has someone to bail her out? Or because she hasn't had to be responsible with it? Love your friend, support her through this difficult time. Help her learn to be more responsible financially if she will let you. But don't feel guilty for having the means to take a vacation with your family.

 

[Tinkim]

not to be mean, but if your friend needed money to feed her children, or to pay rent so that she wouldn't lose her house, that would be one thing. But we are talking about a great privilege here....a family vacation. Many people never see one. Your own family needs to be free to enjoy your trip without worry about someone elses financial situation. You're going to get into things like, well, we can't go to a character dinner because she can't afford it, and that's unfair. Or, well, we shouldn't buy this because her kids will want one too. That is taking away from your own family and their trip. Does she "stink" with money because she always has someone to bail her out? Or because she hasn't had to be responsible with it? Love your friend, support her through this difficult time. Help her learn to be more responsible financially if she will let you. But don't feel guilty for having the means to take a vacation with your family.

I know you're right. I am probably doing her more harm than good by constantly bailing her out. The best thing for her would be to live within her means and really take control of her money situation. I have bailed her out when it was serious, i.e., losing her house, not being able to pay the rent, and buying groceries and clothes for the kids but then started bailing her out with "frivolous" things like the vacation. She does pay me back in time except for some of the little things. I hope it doesn't sound like she is totally irresponsible because she does the best she can to provide for the kids and her DH did pass away leaving her in a world of hurt with losing her house to the ex-wife. She has also had opportunities to put money away for times like these and she didn't for whatever reason. Believe me, I am not the best with money and we do have some debt but I am working on paying it off. It drives me nuts to watch her in a way because I think she could be better off financially if she had planned even a little but one of her biggest problems is counting on money before it is in her hand. I have tried to give financial advice and she is receptive but usually something comes up and she ends up having financial difficulty again. I am going to tell her about the airfare and she can do what she needs to do. I am going to try to stop feeling so guilty all the darn time. It is hard wired in my personality.

 

[ceecee]

Did she pay for your tickets? You said she also paid for half of your house you're renting? Am I missing something here? Do you rent from her? I don't see why you have to mention that you booked tickets since your trip isn't until Feb.

 

[Tinkim]

She didn't pay for my tickets. I bought my family's airline tickets already. The house I am talking about is a vacation rental in Florida. Originally the deal was she would pay for the vacation house rental because we paid for it last time. She had every intention of going on this vacation and started to pay for things when she had some extra money but as time has gone on being able to afford this trip doesn't look good for her. Trip planning is something that we have done together and I am the one that has a computer right now so I usually book things, etc. That is what I meant as far as why I would tell her about the tickets because in order for her to book anything she either needs to get her computer fixed or book using my computer. I guess I just assumed that when more than one family takes a trip then they try to get airline tickets, etc. booked together to make it more convenient.

 

[Tinkim]

Did she pay for your tickets? You said she also paid for half of your house you're renting? Am I missing something here? Do you rent from her? I don't see why you have to mention that you booked tickets since your trip isn't until Feb.

Oops. Just re-read my original post. I should have said she paid for "her" WDW tickets. Sorry.

 

[ceecee]

So if she already paid for the vacation home rental and her WDW tickets, could she afford the rest? If airfare is very reasonable let her know or could she drive down and meet you? Explain that you won't be able to help her financially at this time.

 

[murcor]

If you just purchased the airline tkts recently, let her know as soon as possible. Tell her you seen the great deal...didnt want to miss out, booked your tickets and now are telling her about it. What she does now is in her hands........

I can sympathize with how you are feeling especially with her loss.

Good luck

Angela

 

[Tinkim]

Thanks everyone for your replies. DH told her this morning when she stopped for coffee. She was upset as I knew she would be. DH said we couldn't pass that price up since it was about $100 per ticket savings. I told DH after she left that I felt bad but he said we can worry about their family but our family has to come first. I know he's right but like I said it is in my nature to take care of everyone else and I am always feeling guilty about something. The morning flight we booked to WDW is still available but the return flight is already gone from the choices and it went up $5 per ticket. The only thing I can do now is keep an eye on flights for her and try to get her the closest flight times to ours.

 

[MKCP5]

Gotta get past it Tinkim You will still continue to be a good friend to her, and will still help her if she really gets in a jam with her kids. Try not to put this on yourself. I know it is hard, but again, we are talking a vacation, not another life altering tragic situation for her. She will be okay. She has you after all !!

 

[Tinkim]

Thanks MKCP5. I do try to be a good friend but I think sometimes I don't know where to draw the line. She hasn't called me since DH told her about the tix so I know she is probably still upset. I hope they can still come with us but I can't be financially responsible for anyone else's trip this time. Unfortunately, I am one of those people who instead of focusing on all the good things I have done to help someone out I focus on the one time I couldn't do something. So I will try not to obsess about it anymore. What's done is done. Thanks again.

 

[gypsydoodlebug]

It's still pretty early for your flight in Feb 2006 ––*don't know if SW will have a sale at that time or if it flies into/out of your hometown, but I'd keep my eyes open for one of those magic DING! fares. At least she hasn't put it on a credit card and just let it sit there for several months.

 

[Tinkim]

It's still pretty early for your flight in Feb 2006 ––*don't know if SW will have a sale at that time or if it flies into/out of your hometown, but I'd keep my eyes open for one of those magic DING! fares. At least she hasn't put it on a credit card and just let it sit there for several months.

We do have SW here and I checked their schedule and they have flights arriving at MCO within 10 minutes and departing MCO within 1/2 hour and arriving home within 15 minutes of our flight times. I do have Ding installed so I am hoping I can get her a reasonable price when the time comes. She actually doesn't even have a credit card. Her credit is in rough shape now because her DH was sick for four years before he passed away. I think the biggest problem is she is pretty co-dependent when it comes to things like this. She doesn't want to fly alone with the kids and is nervous about changing planes and she won't drive the 45 minutes to the airport because she doesn't like to drive in Manchester. We'll just have to see what we can figure out. Maybe this will be a learning experience for her financially and as far as her independence goes. I would love to see her be truly self sufficient. I am pretty independent and it does drive me nuts sometimes that she isn't but I know that is easier said than done. My DH works a lot though and if I waited for him everytime the kids and I wanted to go somewhere or vacation then we would never go. I hope that when she and the kids fly it will be a confidence booster for her and she realizes that she is quite capable of doing stuff like this.