Father very ill

[joe]

Hello everyone,

My father is in the hospital right now. He has had heart problems for over 15 years and has had at least 4 heart attacks. Last night his pacemaker revived him 3 times and the nurses had to come in and stabilize what was an arrythmia. He has a built-in "shocker" in the pacemaker(I can't spell "defibulator?"). I saw him today and am fearing the worst. I fear this time he may not make it through. Both my grandparents(lived with my parents) have died in the last 2 1/2 years. It has been a very tough time for my mother even though she has had help from nurses(she also works in a day care full-time).

I'd like your opinions about something that I have been thinking about:

I don't think I can make it through my father's funeral whenever it may come. I feel it's just too much for me. I am not one to cry in front of people and I know it would be extremely hard for me to go through the pain of my father's funeral. Am I a bad son? Should I go no matter how much pain it would cause me? I have considered maybe going after the service would be easier for me. I really don't know what to do but right now I am really down.

I'd appreciate any comments.

Thanks

 

[FergieTCat]

I attended my father's funeral last May, after he died of cancer on Memorial Day. I thought about his funeral the entire time he was ill, since it was inevitable, and tried to brace myself for it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it wasn't a picnic either.

Yes, it was difficult and sad. He and my mother had been married for 53 years and it was heartbreaking to watch her. I was more concerned about her making it through than I was about me. I'm Jewish, so we mourned for a week at her house. I was a complete wreck for most of the summer.

But, I think you need to go to your father's funeral for closure and to grieve. You absolutely need to grieve. Eventually you will work through it, just take it one day at a time.

My thoughts are with you.

 

[CathyCanada]

I'm so sorry, Joe. I can't imagine the pain that you are going through right now.
When the time comes, I think that attending the funeral is important for you to say goodbye and to have closure. If you didn't, you may regret it later and you can't go back and change that. Also I think you and your Mom can support each other, you have to.

Hugs to you.
CC

 

[kejoda]

Donna said it very well. You cannot get away from the pain of losing a parent. I know hard hard it is my Mom passed away 3 years ago. And no your not a bad son for wanting to avoid it, you just won't be able to. Just stay strong and if you can't do it for yourself do it for your Mom.

 

[helenabear]

I am so sorry to hear about your dad My thoughts and prayers are with him right now.

As for the funeral, I remember when my mom died I thought it would be too much for me. I too am not one to cry in front of others, but it gave me a sense of closure to go. I also had so much family around that we were very much a comfort to each other. Not going would have been so much harder on me and truthfully it was much easier to make it through the service than I expected.

Wishing you all the best as you go through this Joe {{hugs}}

 

[Joan S.]

Joe, I say go and be there for your Mom, you will never regret being there. But you may regret not going!I have had to say that final goodbye to many relatives and it does help to be around people that love you.And do not be afraid to shed those tears,we are all human. Joan

 

[cinlee3]

I am so sorry your father is ill. It so hard to see our family go through a long illness.

I didn't think I could make it through my Mom's funeral. I was 7 months pregnant and actually passed out when we were at the funeral home and could not help in the plans - that was too much for me to handle.

I was able to make it to the funeral and I am glad that I did. I can't explain it but it did give me some comfort. Yes, I cried and yes, it was very difficult but I made it through with the help of the rest of my family.

Do what you feel you need to do.

 

[joe]

Thank you all for the support. I can see how important it would be to my mother and I may regret not going for a long time. It's hard for me to focus right now and this is helping me see things from all points of view. One of my brothers is in San Diego right now(in the Navy for the last 16 years) and he has his bags packed. I imagine he is heartbroken right now because he isn't allowed to leave unless an absolute emergency. He is in a tough spot because my father has been in and out of hospitals for years and he may not make it here in time if he comes. Also, it's hard to say if my father will make it. We have almost become immune to his hospital stays because we have been going through this for so long.

I just feel like this is the worst he has been and maybe he is better off leaving us. He has been in so much pain over the last 15 years. I would give anything to have him around forever but I know he is living a very hard life the way he is.

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

Oh Joe, BIG hugs to you dear.
Your last post is exactly what we've been going thru for 8 years now with my own father and I try to ignore it alot and not talk about it everywhere I go.
I hear you too, about wondering if you can make it through the funeral and have had similar thoughts about my own fathers services when the time comes.
I don't think there are any good answers and you will have to do what YOU think is best, for yourself. Some people do have a harder time dealing with it at that very moment so don't be ashamed to admit you might be one of them.

My heart goes out to you today.

 

[WDWHound]

Joe,
I am so sorry to hear of your father's illness. You and you parents will be in my prayers.

I have mixed feelings on the funeral question. I dreaded my father's funeral, but never considered not going to it. It turned out to be a beautiful service and a wonderful chance to celebrate my father's life.

That said, only you can know what is in your heart and what you need to do. While I did attend my father's funeral, I did not attend the viewings that My Mom scheduled prior to the funeral. That was just too much for me. I caught a lot of heat from my relatives for not being there, but I just could not bring myself to be there. Those who knew me well understood, others never did (some are still angry at me, but they cared more for their own agendas than my grief). Looking back, I still feel I did the right thing.

What I am saying is that there is no wrong way to mourn. You know what is in you heart, you know when your support is needed by others and how much. Only you can say what you need to do. My experience tells me that a funeral can help release some of the pain and anguish that comes with losing a loved one, so I think you should at least consider going, but in the end only you know the best couse of action.

 

[joe]

I will be going if and when the time comes. It is important and I will do it for my mother and for myself. Right now he is better but it's impossible to say what will happen in the near future. I see how these doctors keep people alive for years and wonder if they are really helping these people in the long run. As long as my father is fighting this I feel he probably wants to be around longer. When he feels it's time to go he will probably stop fighting and pass away. It's hard for everyone right now but I hope the outcome is whatever my father's heart tells him is best for HIM.

Until my gandparents passed away I always thought people that were gravely ill would be incoherent and it would show. The truth is a person can be very alert and not look too bad and at the same time be hours away from death. I am not selfish enough to pray for my father's life because I know he may not want to keep living like this. He has been VERY strong through the years. I know he will be in a better place. I sure would like to have him around, though.

 

[FergieTCat]

Joe --

Everything you said is exactly how I felt.

My father had stomach cancer and it was bad towards the end. He had been in and out of the hospital for a year and a half, and broke his hip in about 6 weeks before he died. I didn't want him to die, but I wanted him to be out of pain. Unfortunately, the only way for him to do that would be to die. It's only natural to wish the best for the one you love, no matter how the best must be achieved.

As for my dad, I had planned to visit my parents during Memorial Day weekend last year, and thought I should pack my black dress "just in case". The doctors did not think he would die just then, they thought he would degenerate into a coma, which could have last a few more weeks. On Sunday, my mother and I visited him and he was coherent. He didn't recognize me, which hurt, but he spoke to my mother at great length. He asked her if their papers and such were in order, if she had money, etc. On Monday, Memorial Day, we visited him in the morning, and he was in great distress. He wasn't coherent at all. We had to run some errands, and the nurse told us to go ahead, as it wasn't nearly the end. By the time we came back, he had died. My mother was a mess; she never got to say good-bye. I think he knew it was coming on Sunday. I don't know how I knew before I even left New York.

Of course, I miss him. He was a great trivia and history buff, and a whiz at Jeopardy. But, he's still a part of the family.

If you want to pm me, just type away.

 

[Otimon]

So sorry to hear of your father's illness. Let me say first of all, "No, you are not a bad son for the way you feel".

My personal opinion would be to spend as much time as you can with your father while he's still with you and let him know of the love you have for him. Too often we don't say the things we feel and then it's too late. You have been given a wonderful gift to be able to be with him during his final days - if that is to be now.

Do what you feel is right for you and don't worry about what the others will think.
Spending time with your dad now is what you will remember and be glad about for the rest of your life. That's what will count and you'll have no regrets whatever you decide.

God bless.

 

[Serena]

Joe, lots and lots of {{{{{hugs}}}}}.

I went to my mom's viewing and funeral, not for me, but for all the other people that were there. It's like with me there, they were able to somehow say good bye to my mom. They would give me hugs and tell me how much they would miss her. I felt my job was to be there for them. My mom didn't need me there. Her spirit had long gone and yet is still with me. I still hear her.
I don't do well grieving in public, it's just not something I am comfortable doing. I felt like a shattered glass that was staying together by sheer will. I didn't cry much for a few weeks. My mom had beens sick for years, and yet at the end it happened so suddenly that I was in shock.
When my mom knew she was dying, she made all the arrangements so we would know what she wanted. She did leave out a couple things and we were devestated because of it.

You have to do what is right for you. I'll say a prayer for your family.

 

[jamsmom]

You and your family will be in my prayers.

 

[Marla Hellwig]

Just having to go through this Thanksgiving weekend - yes you should go - you can always leave the room for a bit

 

[minniecarousel]

Hang in there Joe. I'm in the "camp" that says you'll probably regret it if you don't go to the service for your Dad, when the time comes. (this failing/perking up is not only hard on him, but you too)

 

[snuggles]

Joe, I lost my dad a little more than a year ago. I never thought that I could deal with the whole ordeal but with a lot of help from my family and friends, I did. It wasnt easy..and it took a long time to deal with it all. It helped my mom to have me there and participating in everything. There were plenty of parts that I would have been glad to let someone else do. Sending prayers to help you deal with whatever happens. Hugs...

 

[shelle94]

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad's condition. You and your family will be in my thoughts. Everyone here at the CB will be here for you whenever needed.

Michelle

 

[Princess Michelle]

{{{hugs}}} and prayers for you and your family, Joe.

I think when the time comes you should try to go to the funeral if you can. You can always step outside if it is too much for you but I think the regret you may feel later on if you didn't go would be much worse.

more {{{hugs}}} I know it has to be so hard.