Family members not showing up to an event for your kid

[Wishing on a star]

I have to agree here. I think the wording of your invite was tacky and hurtful.

I kind of agree as well.

OP: You may truly not realize it... but, I am afraid that, in some way, the invite was not delivered correctly... It may not have been your intention, but, in all seriousness... anything other than:

"We would love to have you, and we hope you can make it!!" can come off the wrong way.

Sure, there is a chance that she is 'using this as an excuse'... But, again, remember... You are not accountable for, and should not waste time and negativity over, somebody elses actions... ONLY your own...

You cannot control another persons actions... only your reactions.

Either you should have let it go, right then and there...
Or offered a sincere apology for the fact that perhaps there was some miscommunication and your invitation did not come off well.

 

[happygirl]

yes it bothers me

 

[npmommie]

Anytime you qualify an invitation with an "out" really takes away from the sincerity of it. An invitation is not a demand. The recipients are free to choose whether or not they attend. When you give someone an out that means you think they don't want to come. Why would they want to come if the host thinks they don't want to be there. It's really passive-aggressive.

I understand that this may not have been your intent. But I'm just letting you know how it looked to your SIL.

In my hubby's family they expect you to go to everything they invite you to and they get mad if you don't, so they do treat it like a demand. Maybe that was why I was letting her know if she didn't want to come, to really not worry about it, since I knew from experience she doesn't like going to those events. 2 yrs ago, I was sick on xmas day........really sick, barely got up with the kids to open presents, then spent the day in and out of a feverish sleep.........well my BIL the one who has the open invite for xmas day at his house.........well my hubby called him to thank them for the kids presents and he laid into my hubby about us not coming over.........hubby couldn't get a word in edgewise, finally did to tell him, hey wife is sick........bil continued for another minute or two til hubby interrupted saying HELLO, wife is SICK!!!

If you cleared it up years ago shortly after the incident, then why are you still mad? Obviously, it hasn't been cleared up.

Why in the world you are mad at your SIL, I don't know. You told her she didn't have to come so she didn't come. She didn't do anything wrong, and especially nothing for you to be mad at years later.

No I am not mad........I guess I maybe still feel like the misunderstanding shouldn't have happened, and believe me, we are way past it, no problems really, I just was with her this evening.
I was just thinking of it when I got reminded of family events.
But I did apologize profusely because I really did feel bad, that my invite was to tacky, when I really really didn't intend for it to be. I really was just trying to be nice, and I guess my words didn't come out the way they should have.

I kind of agree as well.

OP: You may truly not realize it... but, I am afraid that, in some way, the invite was not delivered correctly... It may not have been your intention, but, in all seriousness... anything other than:

"We would love to have you, and we hope you can make it!!" can come off the wrong way.

Sure, there is a chance that she is 'using this as an excuse'... But, again, remember... You are not accountable for, and should not waste time and negativity over, somebody elses actions... ONLY your own...

You cannot control another persons actions... only your reactions.

Either you should have let it go, right then and there...
Or offered a sincere apology for the fact that perhaps there was some miscommunication and your invitation did not come off well.

Yes, as I said before I did apologize back then when I found out why she didn't come over. I felt bad, i really did.
and now I have learned my lesson, I will never say anything about coming or not. just give the invite.

 

[ilisao]

How is inviting someone and letting them know not to worry if they couldnt come a bad thing???? I don't like to go to everything I am invited to.......
I don't actually think I worded it poorly, I think she was being overly sensitive.
and she doesn't know I hold a grudge, I see her all the time, I actually don't hold a grudge that she didn't come, I am annoyed still that she used my invite as her excuse, instead of just saying she couldn't come

Because when you give an invitation, you should just give the invitation. Let someone else decide if they are uncomfortable attending. You stated that you thought maybe she would be uncomfortable attending the event because she was Jewish. That was for her to decide, not you. And I say that as a Jew who has been invited to baptisms and other such events.

By telling someone not to worry if they couldn't come, you ARE sending off the signal that their presence really isn't relevant and that you are automatically assuming that attending may be a problem. I wouldn't want to go to a party where someone was inviting me while at the same time telling me I didn't have to come (which is what your wording sounds like).

 

[shortbun]

Has happened a lot here. Some family members always have more important things to do. While we've driven up to 2 hours one way on a week night to get to a nephew's party, his parents can't be bothered to show up on weekend parties for our son's birthday. They're losers. lol! At least they send a gift.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

She doesn't have kids, is not a "kid" person.........my BIL already couldn't come, and I didn't want her to feel obligated.

Whoa whoa whoa!!! I don't have kids, am not a kid person, but I would and have attended things for kids who are family members. Don't paint her with such a negative brush (above statement). And yes, I think your "invitation" was tacky and I wouldn't have gone either if I were her.

Sorry

 

[npmommie]

Whoa whoa whoa!!! I don't have kids, am not a kid person, but I would and have attended things for kids who are family members. Don't paint her with such a negative brush (above statement). And yes, I think your "invitation" was tacky and I wouldn't have gone either if I were her.

Sorry

LOL, well I said that because I have heard her say she hates going to events.........kids events..........this was before I had kids..........she would complain all the time about things for other nieces and nephews, so I am not assuming this.
she has attended everything else I ever invite her to regarding my kids.......
My foot going in my mouth was not out of malice, it really was to be nice and let her off the hook!!
but i have learned here, to just stop talking after the hope you can come would love to have you!!!!


I have to mention......I am on another message board.........all moms.........and i posted this question over there, would you be offended by this invite, and i quoted my self. ( I didn't say if it was an invite i received or an invite i gave, no one knew)
every single response was that NO they would not be offended, and some even said they say the same thing to their family members.........the responders said they would appreciate being told not to worry if they couldn't come...........
i find that interesting, such a different response.

but anyway, i wouldn't say the same thing to anyone again anyway,

I have to add to that like I said about my hubby's family, when they invite you to anything, they imply they expect you there, and pretty much say so.
I think that was part of my reasons for her too.

 

[flipflop]

I would only be upset if my parents or ILs never attended anything for my kids. Outside of that, I get that people have other plans and things going on -- or maybe they just need a day to do nothing. We have 3 kids and we get a lot of grief/laying on of guilt from MIL when we can't attend certain events - like a BBQ for her friends where she wanted to show off my kids. Oh well. We get booked up quickly and sometimes we want a day where we don't have plans. There is at least one birthday party a month between our families, plus holidays, plus baptisms/showers/weddings, etc. Sometimes we say no.