Family members not showing up to an event for your kid

[NMAmy]

I'm very close to my niece and nephew so I've always attended all their events. Now they're grown and have kids of their own and I attend most everything I'm invited to and they attend all of dd's events. We try to schedule stuff so everyone can come but if something unavoidable comes up (bad weather to drive, etc.) nobody gets mad.

My dd is 17 and we still have a family birthday party for her every year. We just like to get together.

 

[LisaNJ25]

My father didnt come to my wedding.. he had plan already to attend a car race that weekend. I got over it.

I dint hold it against relatives.. I cant make is to all events in my family. Hopefully they dont hold it against me.

 

[Caropooh]

A few years back my SIL didn't show up to my ds's baptism. her hubby, my BIL had to be out of town with work so he couldn't come.
Her reason I later found out was when I invited her I said " We are having the baptism.....and food at the house after, its on x date.........if you can't make it don't worry about it."
She said my invite sounded like I didn't really want her there.
I don't remember my exact words, but they were something like what I quoted above.
She doesn't have kids, is not a "kid" person.........my BIL already couldn't come, and I didn't want her to feel obligated, ( and I have heard her complain in the past about having to attend other events for niece's and nephew's)

I didn't mean for my invite to sound like she thought it did, ( I didn't think it sounded that way), but anyway, any thoughts? At the time the misunderstanding came out I made it perfectly clear I didn't intend for the invite to imply I didn't want her to come. I thought it was all rather silly on her part to even think that. ( maybe it was her excuse cuz she didn't want to come anyway, )
would you still be a bit miffed? I find myself still being annoyed, not the fact that she didn't come I guess, but the fact that she thought I gave her a "bad" invite.

the words that I highlighted are (to me) what makes it sound like you don't really care if she shows up. Sort of like, "come if you want, but no big deal if you don't. I don't care one way or the other." Give her the option of turning the invitation down.
If you're not holding a grudge, why bring it up 2 years later?

 

[Disney Doll]

As an aunt, I try to make everything I can, big or small. But, as a nurse, I have a schedule that sometimes precludes me from being there.

I believe the relatives have always understood.

 

[Pin Wizard]

This describes my sister to a T. She flipped the bill for my baby shower but didn't attend. The last birthday card my son got from her was in 5th grade...and he's the one who told me that!!!! I didn't even bother to let her know about 8th grade graduation. I kept up with her son's birthdays until he was 20 and joined the Coast Guard. She even had a hissy fit when one of his birthday cards at 16 showed up late. It bothered me at first, but she's always been a "my way or the highway" type person. So I guess it doesn't come as too much of a surprise.

 

[Stacerita]

It would just have to depend on the situation. I wouldn't hold it against anyone if they couldn't make it. Things happen and things come up. I don't make it to all of the things for my nephews, but that is just how it is sometimes. If it was something big, and they told you they were coming, it would be different. If an invite was worded and I was told "don't worry about it", then I wouldn't worry about it. I think sometimes you just have to get over it.

 

[npmommie]

If you're not holding a grudge, why bring it up 2 years later?

Maybe subconsciously I didn't care if she came or not
JK

no its not a grudge, I thought of it last night because we were talking on the phone and she was telling me my BIL won't go to passover dinner at her brothers house and she said she thinks he should go because she " goes to ALL of his familys events"........and it made me remember, well she didn't come to the baptism.

and now when I invite her to anything i make sure she knows we really want her to come, I almost feel like I am dealing with an immature child about it all, like i have to make sure i don't say anything wrong or her feelings will get hurt.
and she is also the type that gets offended if she doesn't get personal phone calls from relatives about certain things.
like for instance........last fall we saw our other sil at our nieces shower...........that sil mentioned "hope we see you at our house xmas".........that bil and sil always have xmas, its an open invitation, you just know everyone will gather at their house xmas day..........
so anyway, this SIL i am talking about told me if the other sil didn't call her before xmas on the phone to invite she wouldn't go over.
now this is a tradition that has been in effect the entire time i have been with hubby, no one needs a personal invite every minute, we just know we go over there, and if anything were to change we would hear about it.
anyway, i told her,she reminded you at the shower, i doubt she will call.
and i was right she didn't call, and SIL did not go over there because of it

 

[MAKmom]

A few years back my SIL didn't show up to my ds's baptism. her hubby, my BIL had to be out of town with work so he couldn't come.
Her reason I later found out was when I invited her I said " We are having the baptism.....and food at the house after, its on x date.........if you can't make it don't worry about it."
She said my invite sounded like I didn't really want her there.
I don't remember my exact words, but they were something like what I quoted above.
She doesn't have kids, is not a "kid" person.........my BIL already couldn't come, and I didn't want her to feel obligated, ( and I have heard her complain in the past about having to attend other events for niece's and nephew's)

I didn't mean for my invite to sound like she thought it did, ( I didn't think it sounded that way), but anyway, any thoughts? At the time the misunderstanding came out I made it perfectly clear I didn't intend for the invite to imply I didn't want her to come. I thought it was all rather silly on her part to even think that. ( maybe it was her excuse cuz she didn't want to come anyway, )
would you still be a bit miffed? I find myself still being annoyed, not the fact that she didn't come I guess, but the fact that she thought I gave her a "bad" invite.

Did you send a written invitation?


My parents do not show up for Summer birthdays that are on the weekend. They have thier own party with the child. They have a shore house & will not give a weekend up for anything but a wedding.

My mother said my 3 rd child's birth was going to mess up her vacation I don't even get mad I just look at her like are you for real.

BYW my mother is wonderful to me & my children she is just a tad of a Narcissus

I think the only things you really have to show up for are Weddings.

 

[npmommie]

Did you send a written invitation?

No I didn't send written invites........It was informal........I called the people we were inviting to let them know about it.

 

[MAKmom]

No I didn't send written invites........It was informal........I called the people we were inviting to let them know about it.

If you did not send written invitations & it was very informal that mean it was not a big deal. So I would not be upset if someone did not attend.

 

[mylilnikita]

My DM who is what I call "disconntected" but that is a whole different thread only went to 2 of my events during my entire k-high school life. She has now been to 2 of my DD9's events, so she is more than likely done with my DD's events. We live together, so she is here for birthdays, but that is it.

 

[Beth76]

the words that I highlighted are (to me) what makes it sound like you don't really care if she shows up. Sort of like, "come if you want, but no big deal if you don't. I don't care one way or the other." Give her the option of turning the invitation down.
If you're not holding a grudge, why bring it up 2 years later?

I have to agree. That invitation sounded like you didn't really want her there and were just inviting her to be polite. I don't take "You can come if you want but you don't have to" to be a real invitation. I get this all the time from my sister. If you really want someone to be there you say "We'd like for you to come" and leave it at that.

 

[java]

Once. My dd's First Holy Communion. My dad and his wife flew in from California to come. My dd loved his wife.(they had been married for about 14 years) Well at the hotel she decides she doesn't want to married anymore and doesn't show up. They go home and she kicks him out!
So I was disappointed but she was a touch on the dramatic side so such a public "divorce" doesn't surprise me.
Oh and I'm talking people saying they are coming and the not coming. My SIL declines many invitations and as long as she declines in time I can't be upset.

 

[trip]

I just let it go. Life is much too short to keep score.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

For me it depends on the type of even, how close I am to the relative and why they can't come.

 

[froglady]

I'm the only SIL to a family of girls. (My DH has 4 sisters)

Even after 30+ years, I'm the outsider. What is "SOP" for your family may be very, very different for someone else. If I had gotten the OP's invite from one of my SILs, I would have felt that I wasn't really welcome without my DH, but was only being asked to be polite. And further comments have shown that the OP doesn't appear to be terribly fond of this SIL to begin with. Most people are perceptive enough to pick up on that sort of thing, so your backhanded invitation just reinforced her suspicions.

Looks as if both the OP and her SIL are holding a grudge, and unless one of them is willing to be the bigger person and apologize, things are not going to improve.

 

[castleview]

My SIL had blow out parties for all her kids' events and yes, she wasn't happy if you couldn't make it. As annoying as it was, we let it go because we knew when we had kids she wouldn't be so reciprocal...and guess what? She wasn't.

Over the years, that has calmed down. I, myself, don't care for blowout parties - especially when they're for people I don't enjoy that much.

 

[talulabelle]

Well, my family and my DH's family pretty much stink at this and I let it go.

BUT, how would ya'll feel 'bout this? For my childrens baptisms we always chose our brothers and sisters for Godparents. We started with our actual blood siblings and when we ran out, we then went on to the SIL's and BIL's. My brother and his wife are both godparents of one of our kids. In fact, I asked SIL to be a GP when she was just engaged to my brother as a way to "welcome" her to the family. (By the way, she stinks at being a GP, nevr remember a card for a birthday, never makes ANY mention of it at all and so does my brother for that matter) SO- years later now and they have their second baby. For their first they used her sister and my brother for the GP"S- made sense at the time, i would expect she would pick her sister (even though the same two people were best man and maid of honor in their wedding, so I thought they were playing favorites a bit too much) but anyway, still made sense. So now it is time for 2nd baby to be baptized. I am the ONLY blood sister left between the two of them. My SIL only has another brother. Don't ya'll think it would make sense they would use her brother and me? I just think it would be fair. I have done EVERYTHING to try to be a good sister. Gave this girl a wedding shower at my home, sent gifts for every occasion. (Ignored how she acted jealous when ever I was pregnant and or cried because she was having trouble getting pregnant, even didn't come to visit my new baby out of jealousy) I just never feel like she wants to be close to me or try. That is fine, if that is the way she wants it, but I am still her husbands sister...I don't understand why she wouldn't let him pick the Godmother this time. I don't understand why my brothers allow their wives to destroy what used to be our very close knit family. I know that wives should come first, but come on, at some point you just have to stand up for what is right. They let their wives walk right over them. This girl is just so spoiled and likes ot have her way. (apparently she wants to have her best friend as GM - my brother is saying it should be me (according to my mother) - but the way she manipulates my brother is she says "I can't make up my mind - this is my only daughter, and I want to be able to pick the GM" (for everything that requires a decision like this she has some new set of rules) and she just waits to the very last second and then he gives in just so that she will make a decision. Anyway, I am VERY hurt that apparently I will not be GM, even if she DID ask me, at this point it is obvious she didn't really want me as GM and I would want to decline. Would you all be hurt by this or shrug it off?

ETA- by the way, just received the invitation to this ,and even though I have missed a bunch of events to be present at all of their funtions including their oldest childs birthdays, I really don't feel like making such an effort and driving such a long way for this...I think I will be very hurt to sit and watch someone that is not even related to the baby hold my neice at her baptism. It would just be insulting.

 

[golfgal]

My father didnt come to my wedding.. he had plan already to attend a car race that weekend. I got over it.

I dint hold it against relatives.. I cant make is to all events in my family. Hopefully they dont hold it against me.

Mine didn't either. I didn't talk to him for many years after that only to find out through my Grandpa that the reason he didn't show was that my mom (they divorced when I was in 3rd grade) told him that if he showed up she would cause a scene (grow up!!). She wonders why we never talk to her (this is one of many reasons).

 

[Mkaz]

Yup! Lots of times.

I just let it roll! No sense in getting mad, it only ruins your day. I consider it their loss, not mine.