Family and Funerals??

[Handbag Lady]

In our family, it is expected that you will attend unless there are money contraints, which, in that case, the family will pay them and you will be there.

It makes it all easier, really. Someone dies, you show up. No hurt feelings, no issues.

 

[barkley]

on a similar topic-

i'm dreading how a family member will react when he learns another (terminaly ill) family member has SPECIFICALY given instructions that no funeral or service be held. i suspect the person will raise a fuss and try guilting people into holding a service/graveside, but while i strongly hold that funerals are for the living and not for the deceased, i even more strongly hold that a person's 'final wishes' on this should be respected and enforced.

 

[cheermom1]

on a similar topic-

i'm dreading how a family member will react when he learns another (terminaly ill) family member has SPECIFICALY given instructions that no funeral or service be held. i suspect the person will raise a fuss and try guilting people into holding a service/graveside, but while i strongly hold that funerals are for the living and not for the deceased, i even more strongly hold that a person's 'final wishes' on this should be respected and enforced.

I agree..I want to cremated but I know my mom will have a fit...

anyway I would like for a little money go into my funeral as possible..I would rather have the money go my kids ...

 

[Handbag Lady]

on a similar topic-

i'm dreading how a family member will react when he learns another (terminaly ill) family member has SPECIFICALY given instructions that no funeral or service be held. i suspect the person will raise a fuss and try guilting people into holding a service/graveside, but while i strongly hold that funerals are for the living and not for the deceased, i even more strongly hold that a person's 'final wishes' on this should be respected and enforced.

That wouldn't sit well with my family, but we would honor the dead's wishes. But, that doesn't mean we can't have a cocktail hour or a poker game (or whatever vice the deceased had) a year after their passing in honor of them.


My aunt just passed in December. She was a die-hard bingo player and gambler. During her service, we were betting on ponies in her honor. She would have LOVED that. For other family members, it would not be appropriate, so it isn't like we gamble at ALL of our funerals. But again, the important thing is that you show up. Period. No excuses.

 

[cheermom1]

That wouldn't sit well with my family, but we would honor the dead's wishes. But, that doesn't mean we can't have a cocktail hour or a poker game (or whatever vice the deceased had) a year after their passing in honor of them.


My aunt just passed in December. She was a die-hard bingo player and gambler. During her service, we were betting on ponies in her honor. She would have LOVED that. For other family members, it would not be appropriate, so it isn't like we gamble at ALL of our funerals. But again, the important thing is that you show up. Period. No excuses.

Even if the person that didn't show up really didn't have the money and no one else offered to help?

 

[NHdisneylover]

I wouldn't think much of that either, we all grieve in our own way...I told my parents long ago that I wanted nothing form them when they die. NOTHING! I saw way too many family members fight over my grandmas and others things that it made me sick

I have never thought of something like that only b/c we live within 15 min. of my parents..however in a few years i'll be moving across the county so I need to think about that ...

thanks for the good luck..

Thanks. Here I was so afraid to post it I know what you mean about fighting. DH and I own two antique chairs of my grand fathers. The are in storage in our basemnt in NH. WHY? Because the aunt who would use them, whose house the decor fits is not allowed to keep both because it is unfair to the other aunt (they fought about this for all of the life i can remember--my grandafther on that side died when I was two). Neither aunt could bare to let the other have "her" chair and the stupid compromise was to give the set to my dad (who could have cared less about the chairs but would've done anything to shut them up about them after years of arguing). The deals is the set cannot be broken and has to stay in the family and cannot go to either sister. How stupid is that?

on a similar topic-

i'm dreading how a family member will react when he learns another (terminaly ill) family member has SPECIFICALY given instructions that no funeral or service be held. i suspect the person will raise a fuss and try guilting people into holding a service/graveside, but while i strongly hold that funerals are for the living and not for the deceased, i even more strongly hold that a person's 'final wishes' on this should be respected and enforced.

I agree with you and am sorry you have to dread someon's reaction.

I agree..I want to cremated but I know my mom will have a fit...

anyway I would like for a little money go into my funeral as possible..I would rather have the money go my kids ...

I agree with that too. I would hope my family will spend money on the living instead.

. But again, the important thing is that you show up. Period. No excuses.

I think taht is very hasrsh. So when I missed my grandfather's funeral because I was not allowed to fly (being 8 months pregnant) that was an excuse? How should I have handled that one? DSiL missed her cousin's as a teen becasue she was travellign in Europe and no one could get the information to her in time. I also missed my cousin's when I was a child becuase she was murdered and threats were still being made against her family and many threats of violence during the funeral were made by friends of the killer who were angry charges were being pressed (he gunned her and her boyfriend down in the boyfriend's apartment). My parents did want to put me at that kind of risk. HER parents did not her twin sister at the funeral for the same reason.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Even if the person that didn't show up really didn't have the money and no one else offered to help?

There would be an offer to help. There always has been in all of my 41 years in this family. I've been the recipient of the help and now that I am situated, I've also done the offering.

 

[cheermom1]

There would be an offer to help. There always has been in all of my 41 years in this family. I've been the recipient of the help and now that I am situated, I've also done the offering.

But not in my family ..this is what I was trying to say...glad you have a family that can and will do that...

 

[Handbag Lady]

I think taht is very hasrsh. So when I missed my grandfather's funeral because I was not allowed to fly (being 8 months pregnant) that was an excuse? How should I have handled that one? DSiL missed her cousin's as a teen becasue she was travellign in Europe and no one could get the information to her in time. I also missed my cousin's when I was a child becuase she was murdered and threats were still being made against her family and many threats of violence during the funeral were made by friends of the killer who were angry charges were being pressed (he gunned her and her boyfriend down in the boyfriend's apartment). My parents did want to put me at that kind of risk. HER parents did not her twin sister at the funeral for the same reason.

None of our family lives that far away for it to be an issue. Obviously, if someone was 8 months pregnant and couldn't fly, you would not be expected to arrive. The furthest our family lives away is Palm Springs, so we're talking a two-hour car ride. So, for us, there really is no excuse. We've also never had violent threats at our funerals, so I can't speak for that, either. I am sorry you had to go through that, for what it is worth.

 

[Handbag Lady]

But not in my family ..this is what I was trying to say...glad you have a family that can and will do that...

It is not so much the can...it is the will part that I find fascinating about my family. I'm just passing on what I've been taught and I hope the younger ones in my family continue it.

And it may be that we are just lucky that we all live within a short drive of each other. I am just down the 405 from both of my parents and my sister. When I was hospitalized in December, you could have heard the rushing of them all to come and make sure my husband was okay and that I had all I needed in the hospital.

 

[NHdisneylover]

None of our family lives that far away for it to be an issue. Obviously, if someone was 8 months pregnant and couldn't fly, you would not be expected to arrive. The furthest our family lives away is Palm Springs, so we're talking a two-hour car ride. So, for us, there really is no excuse. We've also never had violent threats at our funerals, so I can't speak for that, either. I am sorry you had to go through that, for what it is worth.

Thanks. It was scary and sad and all kinds of not good at 12--but it was a long time ago.
I think it is awesome that your whole family does work that way and you get to all be close together and support each other like that. I really do. What a cool family. In the case of the OP I do not think she is making excuses, she just has a totally different kind of family dynamic than you do. Not bad, just different.

 

[cheermom1]

Thanks. It was scary and sad adn all kinds of not good at 12--but it was a long time ago.
I think it is awesome that your whole family does work that way and you get to all be close together and support each otehr like that. In the case of the OP I do not think she is making excuses, she just has a totally different kind of family dynamic than you do.

Thanks and you are right we have different family dynamics ..all families are different..what is done is done and I'll talk to my dad...I don;t know where they are right now...

 

[PaulaSue]

You go if you want and if you can (distance and time off of work)