Family adopts russian boy and then sends him back

[fkj2]

One thing that is also true of the media, is that they write and will portrait what they want you to believe. They write and clean up the article in a way that will make you have a certain reaction. News media doesn't give a hoot if what they are write about it right, wrong or even proper. You can't always trust what you read.
I got the post below, from a different forum I frequent regularly. I'm not sure who else read this but thought it brought up a completely different perspective than what the news were telling us.

Cheers!
____________________________________________________________

That's one of the concerns I have, that the media has only reported some of the story or has portrayed it in a less-than-accurate method. I read the news report indicating the mom had not had the child directly assessed by a psychologist. Now, of course I only know what's in print, but the child was seven, in a new country. Surely, some physician or pediatrician had reviewed this child upon arrival to the USA, or he must have been seen for, at least, vaccinations. I can hardly believe that no medical professional, aside from the RN mother, had seen this child

I noticed the article mentioned that there have been "problems" with other adoptions, but this was the "last straw," and Russian adoptions were being halted. What other problems were there?

 

[SereneOne]

We have friends who adopted a little girl who was addicted to crack, locked in a closet, burned with cigarettes, forced to eat from a trash can, sexually abused, had her arms broken and so forth. They began fostering her when she was 4 and she was damaged, behaved like a wild, caged animal. When she was 5, she came to preschool with my son and she had a 1 on 1 caregiver but even that wasn't always enough. Sometimes, my son would 'read' to her and she would quiet. She began to speak that year and has had twice a year therapy since then, she is 14. She seems stable now but still has her troubles. Her parents did what they had to do, never left her alone, gave her an environment she could trust-never lied to her, followed through and gave her lots of love-which she often rejected. From the outside looking in, their job looked impossible to me. The fact that this child was my son's friend kept me involved. Once in 5th grade, she punched my son so hard in the eye that his eye swelled shut. My son was not mad at her because he knew she had impluse problems; she apologized, wrote him notes agonizing about assaulting him and her mother talked to me about it. We were all happy that she saw her responsibility in the issue and considered herself at fault-this was a big thing. She suffered the consequences at school and we decided there would be no others-she was suspended for 3 days. This was not her only sin and I really hope she will continue to stablize thus becoming a great adult. Children who have been tossed around, born addicted(most Russia's orphans are) and probably abused are always going to have horrible problems and anyone adopting a child in this category should be ready for literally anything. This woman is a bad person. She handled this problem so horribly that I am so tempted to find a way to address her directly. She need psychological counseling as did her son. There are so many people who would have been willing to help. She is not qualified to parent any child-you can not cut and run when children are having horrible problems-you must find a way to deal with it. She is bad, really bad.

THis woman is a bad person? Who appointed you God and when did you look at her entire life as a whole to make that statement? Should we pick and choose moments of your life where you acted less than stellar and condemn you on those moments? You do not know all the details, just what the news has reported and usually that is sensationalized. You want to talk about a bad people, take a look over at websleuths at the stepsister that pimped out her 7yo ssister, or all the parents torturing and murdering their children, those are BAD people. Not a desperate woman who did what she felt was the only thing she could in a horrible situation. If a child was threatening to kill my family and to molest my children, he would be out of my house by any means possible, short of death. Just because of many of you recieved help and have wonderful examples of things working out, does not mean all adoptive families have the same set of circumstances for success. And I in no way point the finger at the children, they are the biggest victims in this whole mess, that does not mean we allow them to make more victims. (And the news could have sensationalized the child's issues too, we do not know for sure, do we?)

Hopefully this will not cause the end of adoption with Russia, but perhaps a more through investigation/procedures on both sides, protections, etc. Not that I am optimistic about the whole situation, but hopefully there will be some sort of silver lining.

 

[RachelR1978]

The child was sent back where he needed to go. Russia created the problem, let Russia deal with it. And no, all you bleeding hearts, the USA doesn't need to step in and take on getting therapy for this child. Russia's problem.

 

[MushyMushy]

The child was sent back where he needed to go. Russia created the problem, let Russia deal with it. And no, all you bleeding hearts, the USA doesn't need to step in and take on getting therapy for this child. Russia's problem.

Um, no, it became OUR problem when one of OUR citizens stepped in to adopt one of Russia's children -- that made the child her legal obligation just as if he had been born to her.

 

[Aisling]

The child was sent back where he needed to go. Russia created the problem, let Russia deal with it. And no, all you bleeding hearts, the USA doesn't need to step in and take on getting therapy for this child. Russia's problem.

But she legally adopted the child. The boy is hers.

 

[crashbb]

The child was sent back where he needed to go. Russia created the problem, let Russia deal with it. And no, all you bleeding hearts, the USA doesn't need to step in and take on getting therapy for this child. Russia's problem.

No, a US citizen created the problem by bringing the child into her family.

 

[lemondog]

Please ignore what RachelR said. Based on her post count she is a newbie/troll and it looks like her post was intended to do nothing but stir the pot.

 

[lillygator]

While this isn't the way I'd go about it, there's probably a lot more to this story than we all know.

I think so too.

She did a terrible thing(and should be punished), but I don't believe for a second that the only thing "wrong" with that child is being flat-footed. The story is probaby more complex than being reported.

I reserve right on her punishment but yeah - the child probably has much more wrong with him.

I need to disclose. DH's parents adopted a 4 yr old girl when he was 11. I suspect FAS, but not certain. Her parents were American alcoholics, who lost custody. She ate out of the trash, stole from them, tried to burn the house down, and threatened them over many years. In order to afford the care she needed, they had to turn custody of her over to the state at age 16. My poor in-laws. They had done so much, but had run out of money for therapy etc. She was institutionalized, and dx'd with schizophrenia. When she takes her meds, she's okay. When she doesn't, it's bad. I really don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, people aren't lining up to jump in and help.

so is that much better than being with the family who adopted you? now the state pays?

The story's on ABCs Nightline right now. Looks like the mother is in big trouble.

what's the result?

The mother has said the boy had a hit list. She found him lighting papers on fire in his room and feared for her family's safety.

oh my, that is HORRIFIC!

That's why the adoptions need to be stopped until some guidelines are set. We can barely afford to take care of the problems our current citizens have, let alone importing these problems from overseas. A lot of parents adopt these kids to give them a better life. That's all fine and well if you can take care of the child, but it's wrong to sign the rest of us up for an obligation you are assuming.

my god, you adopt a dog at a shelter and they disclose any issues...yes, people may choose not to adopt children with problems, but shouln't they be disclosed?

What would this parent have done if she found her bio child trying to light a fire in his room? It does happen. Recently, at a symposium for mental and behavioral health care for school-aged children, I was made aware that it's a big enough problem to have a county program dedicated to treating it:

http://bcfppa.org/juvenile_firesetters.htm

What this woman ought to have done was have him seen in a behavioral health care setting. She's a nurse, for Heaven's sake, and should know that.

When you give birth to children, you can't give them back to anyone if they develop physical, mental or behavioral health problems. You find help for them.

From what I saw on Anderson Cooper about the case, the woman who adopted the child and her mother did lots of internet research. They found someone on-line to accept the child at the airport and drive him to the Russian Child Protective Services. The internet can be dangerous, and I have a feeling she read a lot about RAD and diagnosed him herself.

I think she just decided based on her computer "research" that there was no helping him and thought that returning him where she got him from was her only option.

What a sad, sad story.

I'm guessing MOST parents of BIO children would have seen this coming, not an adoptive parent of an older child x months in to the adoption.....

Yes, these children are superficially charming and look like nothing is wrong. This can go on for a few months - what therapists have called the "honeymoon period".
They will also make up stories and villifiy their parents (usually the mother) all in the name of stopping the bond. A bond to a RAD child is a threat. They view it as if someone takes over parenting me and tries to love me, I'm going to die. As strange as that may sound to everyone, it is truly how they feel.


We didn't adopt from Russia but another Eastern European country and NOTHING was said to us about RAD. NOT ONE WORD. I didn't even know what it was when my son was diagnosed.

For everyone who is compairing this to "you can't send back a bio child so why would you do it to an adopted one", or a child w/ any other mental illness, you just have no idea how bizzarre and different non bonded children with co-morbid conditions can act. Living with them makes you do and think things you would NEVER have thought before.
No one wants to be your friend or your child's friend becaus of how he/she acts.
Family begins to turn away from you.
No one wants to babysit or give you respite time cuz no one can handle these children
Few school professionals, if any, want this kid in their class or in their care because of how they act.
Families with RAD children are almost forced to shut down and withdraw from society because of what's happening. We feel ashamed, wondering WHY we can't take care of our own children. We wonder what we're doing wrong.

For anyone who says THEY would never do or think of such a thing, I ask you to take a RAD child for 6 months or more, LOVE THEM and then give me a call and we'll talk.

that is horrible.

Agreed. I don't care HOW bad the conditions were, you DO NOT put your child on a plane all alone and ship him away. Period!!! It amazes me that people are trying to justify what this woman did. I am sure it was a horrible situation BUT THERE ARE PLACES THAT HELP THESE KIDS!!! RIGHT HERE IN THE US!!! I have friends that have adopted 4 older kids from Russia and one of them has SERIOUS issues and had to be sent to this farm somewhere out west. She loves it there and this farm/ranch works intensively with these kids - in fact it specializes in internationally adopted children. Why did the woman not explore these options???? She only had the boy for a few months. She did NOTHING but decide she couldn't deal with it, and shipped him back. She didn't even give him a chance.

why didn't Russia help him before he was adopted? Are we helping our own children who need to be adopted.....?

Oh, but I will.


It doesn't matter to me if she is a nurse. It doesn't matter to me if she had good intentions. It doesn't matter to me, not one bit, that she may have been misled about his issues.

I don't care if he played with fire, threw things at the family, or threatened to kill them all.

She never once sought help or brought him, or herself, to a psychologist.

If she couldn't handle his issues there are MANY families and agencies here that could have helped.

The fact that she threw a 7 year old on a plane back to Russia with a note, further victimizing and damaging him, is so appalling and infuriating.

This woman should be thrown in jail.

She should be charged with risk of injury to a minor and also with some type of cruelty.

what about the child? you can threaten to kill and be fine with that?

 

[bumbershoot]

It appears the mom homeschooled him....in English, of course. By age 7, this kid's brain was wired for RUSSIAN, not Engish. To become semi-fluent in English would take some time, and a lot longer than he was given. I don't see anything about her learning Russian to ease the transition or having a Russian language tutor.

Imagine taking a 7 y.o. American kid and plunking them down in the middle of a Russian family, where they are homeschooled....in Russian. They can't even sound out words as they could in French or German because the alphabet is completely different. They have how no idea how a word should even be pronounced, let alone what it means. They don't understand a word of what is said to them, what's on TV, what is going on in conversations, etc. Then their new parent puts school assignments in Russian in front of this 7 y.o. American/English speaking kid and expects them to do the work. Wouldn't multiple meltdowns be entirely predictable?

I agree that it would have been very hard for him, if English is all they used.

But what is your issue with homeschooling? What other choice did she have? Should she have plunked him down in school-school instead? Seems having a home-study program is a much better idea, with an eye to enrolling him this coming September, than just starting him in school the very first moment he was here.

But I do agree that it would be bewildering! Then again, immersion does tend to be the absolute best way to learn a language, no matter what age you are.

I noticed the article mentioned that there have been "problems" with other adoptions, but this was the "last straw," and Russian adoptions were being halted. What other problems were there?

There have been some parents who killed their Russian-born children.

Of course, there are probably MORE parents who have killed their American-born, whether adopted or not, children... I understand that it is all horrible, and that the Russian gov't has to react...but I wish there was some sort of "this happens, it's not the fault of adoption per se" thought process as well...

Thanks. There are ways to end an adoption, just like there are ways to relinquish parental rights to a biological child that you are unable to care for. They are the same ways: relinquish to foster care, arrange a private adoption through a lawyer, etc. Once the child is in the US though, they would stay in the US and follow US procedures. "Sending them back" to their birth country is never part of the process.

Yep.

What she did to help the child, if anything, would be documented by doctor or emergency room records.

And how would the media get this information? The woman herself isn't talking to the media. She would have to give permission for the info to be legally obtained from doctors and ERs. Why would she give the media this information? For all we know she went to many places...but without her permission, those places can't give out the info.

Without knowing the specifics of what happened, I don't think that is a fair statement to make. This child might have harmed her other child or something along those lines.

And in that case she should have called the police and started from there. I've read several articles this last year about parents calling the police on their children...some justified, many not, but still, that's where you start.

That's why the adoptions need to be stopped until some guidelines are set.

What guidelines do you want?

I have a question for the posters that have adopted children from Russia. Were you advised by the adoption agency about attachment disorders before you adopted your child/children?

To sort of answer you....from WACAP's FAQ section:


1. Would WACAP EVER conceal a child’s medical, emotional or developmental conditions from an adoptive parent?

Never. Parents always receive all the information WACAP has about a child.

WACAP publicly distributes descriptions of waiting children through our Web site and various publications, including our Waiting Child Photo Album. These descriptions are brief, for two reasons: (a) to protect sensitive information about the child; and (b) to list a lot of children in limited space. But if you ask about a waiting child, WACAP will privately send you all the information we have, including all known conditions or special needs.

In a baby adoption, when a potential adoptive child is referred to you, you’ll receive all available information about that child. This may include a description, biographical details, a medical report, photos and sometimes a video. According to state laws, we cannot share identifying information such as birth parents’ names or the child’s hospital number.



They can only give what info they have.


Just from the research we have done into int'l adoption, it comes up a lot.

Actually, the message boards that I've read, discussion boards of people who have been through it, at least in the country that we are drawn to, all children have to be labeled with *something*. Something that the country cannot take care of. So every child will have these labels, which is what allows them to be adopted out of the country (even though there aren't people falling over themselves to adopt inside that country). It's then the adoptive parent's job to figure out IF their new child actually has these conditions.

So it's an interesting idea, that an orphanage/baby house would *hide* problems...but that might just be the difference between Russia and the country we have thought of.



It's just all so sad.

And yesterday while on the agency's site again, I revisited the costs of adoption...it's just so shockingly high, even before travel is taken care of...to only give yourself a matter of months, after spending all of that money and going through the waiting and the dossiers and everything else...just makes it even more astonishing that she doesn't seem to have even phoned WACAP in an effort to help out the kiddo in the proper way.

and just in case that came out wrong...money is the ONLY thing preventing us from adopting...it's always been the ONLY roadblock...so it's "up" for us, after seeing how much our country-of-choice has gone up in the year or so since I last checked it out just really bothers me, to have abandoned him like that... It is NOT the only reason it bothers me, but it is A reason.

 

[FergieTCat]

I can't comment on this story because I can see all sides. It's a sad situation and I don't think anyone can honestly make a judgment unless s/he's been there his/herself.

There are always stories of parents snapping and seriously harming their children. Maybe sending the child back was the best she could do. But that does not mean that's what I would have done because I don't know what I would have done, and thankfully I will never find out.

 

[Holly]

what about the child? you can threaten to kill and be fine with that?

You would blame the victim?

He's seven for crying out loud.

He obviously had some serious issues. His adoptive mother chose not to get him any help. She did not have him diagnosed. She did not have him treated.

She didn't do any of those things that she should have and then instead of following the proper legal steps here to give him up she put him on a plane with a note to be picked up by some stranger who could very well have been a murderer or a pedophile.

She put him in danger.

The fact that he himself may have been dangerous is not relevant. She could have followed the proper steps to address his issues and even relinquished custody but chose not to.

 

[dzorn]

Please ignore what RachelR said. Based on her post count she is a newbie/troll and it looks like her post was intended to do nothing but stir the pot.

Just because someone is a newbie does not mean they are a troll and unfortunatly I am sure there a people in this country that feel that way. It is very sad.

Denise in MI

 

[shortbun]

THis woman is a bad person? Who appointed you God and when did you look at her entire life as a whole to make that statement? Should we pick and choose moments of your life where you acted less than stellar and condemn you on those moments? You do not know all the details, just what the news has reported and usually that is sensationalized. You want to talk about a bad people, take a look over at websleuths at the stepsister that pimped out her 7yo ssister, or all the parents torturing and murdering their children, those are BAD people. Not a desperate woman who did what she felt was the only thing she could...

Hopefully this will not cause the end of adoption with Russia, but perhaps a more through investigation/procedures on both sides, protections, etc. Not that I am optimistic about the whole situation, but hopefully there will be some sort of silver lining.

Dear Serene One( and I laugh as I type your name ) Yes, this woman is a bad person. She did NOT do the only thing she could, she did the easiest thing she could. Of course no one appointed me God, I am simply stating my opinion along with you. If you want to talk about all the other bad people in the world-and there are a ton of them-we should start another thread. this thread is about the woman who put a 7yo on a plane along with a note saying he was no longer wanted. You think she's a good person? Whatever.
Nothing about this topic makes me feel serene, Serene One.

 

[cheermom1]

You would blame the victim?

He's seven for crying out loud.

He obviously had some serious issues. His adoptive mother chose not to get him any help. She did not have him diagnosed. She did not have him treated.

She didn't do any of those things that she should have and then instead of following the proper legal steps here to give him up she put him on a plane with a note to be picked up by some stranger who could very well have been a murderer or a pedophile.

She put him in danger.

The fact that he himself may have been dangerous is not relevant. She could have followed the proper steps to address his issues and even relinquished custody but chose not to.

Again I fail to see how anyone knows what kind of help she tried to get or not get. So far nothing has come up on this subject that is fact and can be verified as fact. For all we know she could have had him in all kids of places to get help or that they all refused to help her. WE HAVE NO IDEA!

 

[dzorn]

You would blame the victim?

He's seven for crying out loud.

He obviously had some serious issues. His adoptive mother chose not to get him any help. She did not have him diagnosed. She did not have him treated.

She didn't do any of those things that she should have and then instead of following the proper legal steps here to give him up she put him on a plane with a note to be picked up by some stranger who could very well have been a murderer or a pedophile.

She put him in danger.

The fact that he himself may have been dangerous is not relevant. She could have followed the proper steps to address his issues and even relinquished custody but chose not to.

How do we know what help she did or did not get for the child?

Denise in MI

 

[Holly]

Again I fail to see how anyone knows what kind of help she tried to get or not get. So far nothing has come up on this subject that is fact and can be verified as fact. For all we know she could have had him in all kids of places to get help or that they all refused to help her. WE HAVE NO IDEA!

How do we know what help she did or did not get for the child?

Denise in MI

The woman's mother told reporters that she didn't get him help. I've already posted the links here in this thread, so yes, we do have an idea.


If it comes out later that she is wrong then perhaps people may be a little more sympathetic. Until then this is what we have to go on.

 

[cheermom1]

The woman's mother told reporters that she didn't get him help. I've already posted the links here in this thread, so yes, we do have an idea.


If it comes out later that she is wrong then perhaps people may be a little more sympathetic. Until then this is what we have to go on.

Again I'm not going to base it on that as her mother is the one that took him to the air port and dropped him off. IF she really didn't get help and her mother said this wouldn't also say that she told her to get help for him first? To me it just isn't adding up. I am going to have to wait till the facts come out.

 

[lemondog]

The fact that the adoptive mother is refusing to talk to anyone OR tell her side of the story is pretty damning in and of itself. Even if she was totally justified, how are we to know when she won't speak up? Although I truly fail to see how she could possibly have exhausted every other option in the few short months she had him.

Tomorrow investigators are supposed to be meeting with her. I am PRAYING that our crappy TN DCS actually follows through and makes this woman face the repurcussions of her actions. However, I don't put much stock in that organization, sad to say.

 

[dispor]

The woman's mother told reporters that she didn't get him help. I've already posted the links here in this thread, so yes, we do have an idea.


If it comes out later that she is wrong then perhaps people may be a little more sympathetic. Until then this is what we have to go on.

The only link I have seen you provide so far has said that the woman's mother said that she never had him see a psychologist. It doesn't address whether he had been seen by adoption agency employees, social workers, doctors, etc.

I can't imagine a scenario where I will feel that this woman was justified in the way she handled the situation, but I certainly don't think we have heard all of this story by any means.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

My first reaction is to condemn this mother, but I would like to know more before passing judgment?

What exactly did she do once she realized there was a problem? Who did she call? Sometimes people go through all the proper channels and nobody will help them. It does sound like she had not done enough, but I don't think we have the full picture.

I can only imagine how scary it is. I taught a kid with FAS and it was eye opening. He didn't have any violent behaviors- but parenting him was definitely a full time job. I know another child who was hospitalized at age 6 for suicidal behavior and homicidal threats- including threatening to kill his pregnant mother with a knife! These kids are not easy to work with, but at the end of the day I can go home and get away from the stress. The parents cannot and I can't imagine living with these situations. I think it would tax anybody.

Absolutely what she did was wrong, but I can't just condemn her as an evil person without knowing all the details.