Ex-Wife will not allow husbands kids to go....

[ktate82]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am the CP, so don't have the issues of getting permission, but I know how difficult other parents can be. I am hoping she reconsiders and allows you to take your DH's children with you.

That being said, if she doesn't, I would postpone the trip. With her being so resistant, I would worry she would also be a little vindictive and tell the children. But even if she doesn't, there will be a division as to DH's kids and your's. I am thinking of the movie your's, mine, and ours and I would worry his children would feel like the other children are on a higher level.

Either way, hard choice for you to make.

 

[bumbershoot]

Apparently, if you "bend the rules" once you could lose the right to enforce them in the future. So even if Mom wanted to play nice (although it doesn't seem that is the case, but let's pretend for the sake of my explanation), if she gives him the extra day this time then she might lose the right to enforce deadlines for other things.

But the OP has stated that the rules have been bent FOR the mom before.

... and helps her out whenever she needs it...

...if she wants to go out of town for the weekend and it is her weekend, he takes the kids...

...We postponed our honeymoon to have his kids because she "suddenly" had to work....

....I feel that he helps her out whenever she needs it, but when we need something....she is black/white....no gray......

Seems she might be weakening the contract, if custody agreements can be compared to business contracts, in the first place.


I'd probably want to go back to court to get these requirements eased a bit. Would help the mom (since she keeps changing things) and would help the dad, too.

....I deal with an ex who is never here, never home and can never help out (military)....she just really doesnt know how well she has it sometimes, as far as ex's and help go...

It's too bad you guys can't get to know each other, talk a bit. Sigh.

My mom and stepmom would have been good friends, if it weren't for my dad stopping that from happening. They were very much alike! (eta: that was an "aside"...I"m not saying you guys are alike, just talking about my own mom and stepmom...all I wish for you is that you guys could talk, so she could see how good she has it)




So does this missed deadline mean you don't get the kids *at all* over the summer? If so, that's just sad. What a weirdly rigid deadline to have in a custody agreement, IMO.

I think that when there are TWO divorced people in a relationship, the agreements have to be redrawn for some give and take. Either that or the kids have to be talked to somewhat openly, explaining that sometimes the kids might not get exactly the same trips as the other, and that the child of the two married people might have different experiences as well. It's *complicated* when there are kids on all sides. Sooner the kids understand this, the better. (says the child of two divorces, with ex-step-sisters from my mom's second husband and 3 half-siblings from my dad's second wife, and grown step-siblings from mom's third husband who watched my brother be raised for 3 years in their dad's house with COMPLETELY different rules than they had.....with all sorts of trips on all sides, with no room for jealousy, because we all knew it was ridiculously complicated!)

 

[Mama Who]

So does this missed deadline mean you don't get the kids *at all* over the summer? If so, that's just sad. What a weirdly rigid deadline to have in a custody agreement, IMO.

No, this sort of deadline means Dad gets any two weeks he chooses before X date and Mom gets the other 10. If X date arrives and Dad has not chosen, Mom gets to choose her 10 weeks. It seems harsh... until you watch a Mom who is NEVER able to plan ahead for vacation because Dad refuses to pick his weeks until the last minute. A friend went through this for years until a judge told Dad he had a deadline to pick. He would wait until the kids mentioned their plans with Mom and then announce that that was HIS week.

I hope this mom, if she hasn't made other plans, will decide that she doesn't need the week dad wanted and that the OP's stepkids can go. Even if she doesn't, Dad *will* still get two weeks with his kids if he wants them. This clause doesn't prevent that.

 

[Maggie'sMom]

I'm not a step-parent, so I apologize in advance if I'm not a huge help. But reading this reminded me of something my DH has often told me about the contracts classes he's taken over the years as part of his professional development requirements. Apparently, if you "bend the rules" once you could lose the right to enforce them in the future. So even if Mom wanted to play nice (although it doesn't seem that is the case, but let's pretend for the sake of my explanation), if she gives him the extra day this time then she might lose the right to enforce deadlines for other things.

While I'm not defending her, the fact is that a deadline is a deadline. There's no missing it by "a little" v. "a lot". There's only "you missed it". It sucks in situations like this, but that's why rules exist...so that nobody has to make a judgement call.

I think the OP should definitely still go, and have a great time!

I don't know about other custody agreements but mine has a statement about deviations from the plan being allowed as long as both parties are in agreement. So if we can negotiate a mutually agreeable deviation, we can go with that this time around but it does not weaken my position if next time we can't come to an agreement. No agreement to deviation = revert to the original written plan. Just because I agree to deviation one time, I don't have to agree to it every time.

 

[bearloch]

Pln x2 hope vacation works for this yr!! BUT plan on it NOT ad make other plans fr your kids maybe same thing as 4th vac but longer?

THEN ASAP go through calendar of his days with kids during holiday and next yr! pick dates NOW pick extra dates so you can work around your schedule and then plan a DW trip!! It will mean planning a vac for 2113 NOW and telling kids make a huge deal about it! good luck

 

[SteelerCountry]

How can anyone help u? There are 2 sides to every story. No one knows you and it's a private matter. Are there any mature adults in this circle that can think about the kids? Obviouly there is a problem with your circle or 1 day wouldn't make difference especially if you kept each other updated. My stepson is very balanced because despite any issues between my hubby and his ex were just that, their problem not his. His welfare and happiness comes first. We have been on vacation without him (when he is in school), he also knows we plan many things around him and very few without him. If we go away without him, it's usually adults only, that kind of thing. We have raised him to ensure that adults need time alone to reconnect etc...and that does not mean he's not included. He gets it. And hopefully when he is married this will be instilled and we will watch his children so he and his wife can vacation romantically alone to keep the marriage wonderful!!! Too many divorced people use the kids for their arguments. What is bestbfor the children comes first!!!! My husband Nor his ex would never deny him a trip with the other!! You guys need a judge and a therapist not Disboards!

 

[dragonfly08]

I don't know about other custody agreements but mine has a statement about deviations from the plan being allowed as long as both parties are in agreement. So if we can negotiate a mutually agreeable deviation, we can go with that this time around but it does not weaken my position if next time we can't come to an agreement. No agreement to deviation = revert to the original written plan. Just because I agree to deviation one time, I don't have to agree to it every time.

As I said, I'm not a step parent and don't know much about custodial agreements other than what I see my SIL going through (and her ex is a major PITA about sticking to agreements so most of that is handled in court!). Glad someone with more knowledge was able to clarify...thanks!

 

[Wadecool]

How can anyone help u? There are 2 sides to every story. No one knows you and it's a private matter. Are there any mature adults in this circle that can think about the kids? Obviouly there is a problem with your circle or 1 day wouldn't make difference especially if you kept each other updated. My stepson is very balanced because despite any issues between my hubby and his ex were just that, their problem not his. His welfare and happiness comes first. We have been on vacation without him (when he is in school), he also knows we plan many things around him and very few without him. If we go away without him, it's usually adults only, that kind of thing. We have raised him to ensure that adults need time alone to reconnect etc...and that does not mean he's not included. He gets it. And hopefully when he is married this will be instilled and we will watch his children so he and his wife can vacation romantically alone to keep the marriage wonderful!!! Too many divorced people use the kids for their arguments. What is bestbfor the children comes first!!!! My husband Nor his ex would never deny him a trip with the other!! You guys need a judge and a therapist not Disboards!

So, you're contributing to the very same thread you are also chastising the OP for starting in the first place?

 

[TinkerBelle920]

Hi There!

I am a stepparent as well and we also have to do the we are going to FL thing and not tell specifically where or the suprise will be ruined. We have always made ever effort to take my stepson because my husband and I had children but not that we have children things are different. We still try to find a time that we can take my stepson but if that does not work out then we continue on with the trip for the sake of our child. Of course it is not fair to the step children but it's a choice their mother is making on their behalf. I think it is really unfair to your kids that they would have to stay home because of the step siblings. Unless you can easily find another date that accomodates everyone I would go ahead and go on the trip. If the stepkids are upset and want to know why they could not go just tell them their Mom would not allow them. You are entitled to a Disney vacation with your kids as well don't feel guilty about that. Our first trip without my SS will be in October and we are all very excited about it.

 

[PilotWife]

No, this sort of deadline means Dad gets any two weeks he chooses before X date and Mom gets the other 10. If X date arrives and Dad has not chosen, Mom gets to choose her 10 weeks. It seems harsh... until you watch a Mom who is NEVER able to plan ahead for vacation because Dad refuses to pick his weeks until the last minute. A friend went through this for years until a judge told Dad he had a deadline to pick. He would wait until the kids mentioned their plans with Mom and then announce that that was HIS week.

I hope this mom, if she hasn't made other plans, will decide that she doesn't need the week dad wanted and that the OP's stepkids can go. Even if she doesn't, Dad *will* still get two weeks with his kids if he wants them. This clause doesn't prevent that.

Just to clarify.....She already had her dates picked out and her vacation is the first week of June and one in July...She refused that particular week because he was one day late in telling her and she can....AND that he would only tell her that we were crossing state lines for this trip....and did not specifically tell her where we were going (which he does not have to do). The trip in July is a trip taken every year to see family (so she knew were this trip was going to be).

 

[bumbershoot]

No, this sort of deadline means Dad gets any two weeks he chooses before X date and Mom gets the other 10./QUOTE]

That's good to know.

FWIW, in her third post in this thread, PilotWife told us that mom already had her vacation planned, so concerns about mom weren't warranted in this case.

YEP!!!! and it was my fault.....BUT this trip was planned for the very end of the summer...with her vacations already planned out....but regardless...I was late therefore making him late.....

I'm really more concerned about what is fair to his kids AND mine, now...

 

[marmalade]

Just to clarify.....She already had her dates picked out and her vacation is the first week of June and one in July...She refused that particular week because he was one day late in telling her and she can....AND that he would only tell her that we were crossing state lines for this trip....and did not specifically tell her where we were going (which he does not have to do). The trip in July is a trip taken every year to see family (so she knew were this trip was going to be).

Where I understand legally he doesn't have to tell her where he is going with their kids, but she is a mother. Any mother I know whether married, single or divorced wants to know where her kids are going, even if it is with their father. That is what mothers do. I would call her and talk to her. It seems like you guys are making this more difficult than it really needs to be.

 

[Mama Who]

No, this sort of deadline means Dad gets any two weeks he chooses before X date and Mom gets the other 10./QUOTE]

That's good to know.

FWIW, in her third post in this thread, PilotWife told us that mom already had her vacation planned, so concerns about mom weren't warranted in this case.

That's when mom's *vacation* is planned. It's not quite the same as not having anything planned. If mom has already signed the kid up for camp or a sports league or decided to go to a local festival, she has plans. Plans she is not obligated to break.

I make lots of local plans that I won't allow my son's father to trump. I'm pretty flexible, especially since we have chosen not to involve the courts in our family business, but there are dates that I simply tell him he may not have. I don't know that Mom *has* a good reason and she may not- but it isn't a given that she doesn't either, and she's under no obligation to share with Dad what her plans are.

I sincerely hope that this can be worked out. It sounds like a mess.

 

[Mama Who]

Just to clarify.....She already had her dates picked out and her vacation is the first week of June and one in July...She refused that particular week because he was one day late in telling her and she can....AND that he would only tell her that we were crossing state lines for this trip....and did not specifically tell her where we were going (which he does not have to do). The trip in July is a trip taken every year to see family (so she knew were this trip was going to be).

Honestly... if I were Mom and things were bad enough to need a CO like this one and Dad goofed, asked me to do him a favor by letting him have that week anyway and then refused to tell me where he was taking my kids? No, I'd tell him to pound sand. He's playing "I don't have to tell you" and that makes her response of "then I don't have to let you" a lot more understandable.

I cannot imagine having to allow my son's father to take him over state lines without even knowing where they would be. I'd block that any time I had the chance too. That's a horrible way to live and I can't see why she would voluntarily enable him to do it to her when she has the power to stop him.

If he wants a favor from her he's going to have to look at this from her point of view and figure out what's most important- keeping her in the dark or getting the time he wants.

 

[nursedebbiepink]

do not go to WDW without ALL of the children. post-pone your vacation and go when everyone can go.

 

[Kdutton]

If your husband has visitation rights, assuming he has no court paperwork banning him from taking them out of state, etc. Then it is up to him. For instance, in our court order, my ex has my son for one uninterrupted week per summer, as do I, for vacation. I was worried we would have the same problem with my step-daughter, her mother ended up agreeing to it. If you can get an agreement - DOCUMENT IT!!! Can't say that enough. I had my ex sign paperwork saying he agreed to the trip even though my son will be gone with me on his birthday, but back to the point - if he has a week vacation or so then go for it. Unless there's a court order banning it - her word means nothing.

 

[ttintagel]

No matter whose fault the situation is - when I was a kid, if I had found out that my faher had taken his step-kids and new kid to Disney World without me, I would have been absolutely devastated. The adults' reasons and circumstances would not have changed that, and it would not have been fair for any of the adults to expect me to understand and just suck it up.

If it was me, I'd take each set of kids on a *comparable* vacation this year and leave WDW for a time when you can all go.

 

[cheermom1]

I didn't read the replies but here is my opinion. If you are already taking his kids to disney without your kids why would be wrong for you to take yours without them?

I say go on your trip with your kids and let them enjoy the same as your dh's kids did on their trip.

 

[Lizzybean]

No matter whose fault the situation is - when I was a kid, if I had found out that my faher had taken his step-kids and new kid to Disney World without me, I would have been absolutely devastated. The adults' reasons and circumstances would not have changed that, and it would not have been fair for any of the adults to expect me to understand and just suck it up.

If it was me, I'd take each set of kids on a *comparable* vacation this year and leave WDW for a time when you can all go.

You said this so much better than me!!! ^^^^^^^

 

[FlightlessDuck]

What I want to know is....Knowing that we are taking his children on a trip during the 4th of July....is it unfair to his children that we still go on the Disney Trip with my children and our child.

Yes.