Ex-Wife will not allow husbands kids to go....

[cheermom1]

To everyone that think it is wrong to not take his kids on that trip I want to know why? Why is it ok that they get to go on a trip earlier with out ops kids but its not ok to take ops kids with out his kids? Sorry that just doesn't make sense to me.

They are STILL going to disney but without ops kids which will be at their dads at that time. Op was planning another one that she was including his kids but taking her kids as well. So why is fair that his get to go to disney but b/c of circumstances they still should not take her kids on the SAME vacation that they already took his kids? How fair is that to ops kids?

All this did was put a damper on their 'family' vacation so if they still go on this one all kids will still get to go to disney just at separately .

 

[tzolkin]

To everyone that think it is wrong to not take his kids on that trip I want to know why? Why is it ok that they get to go on a trip earlier with out ops kids but its not ok to take ops kids with out his kids? Sorry that just doesn't make sense to me.

They are STILL going to disney but without ops kids which will be at their dads at that time. Op was planning another one that she was including his kids but taking her kids as well. So why is fair that his get to go to disney but b/c of circumstances they still should not take her kids on the SAME vacation that they already took his kids? How fair is that to ops kids?

All this did was put a damper on their 'family' vacation so if they still go on this one all kids will still get to go to disney just at separately .

Maybe I missed something, but I did not read anything that mentioned taking "his" kids to Disney and then taking "hers" on a separate Disney trip.

The OP said they were doing a trip with his kids around the 4th of July, not a DISNEY trip with his kids. I think this is where the "unfair" posts are coming from. We don't know what the trip with "his" kids is, but lets assume they're going camping for a long weekend and then the other kids get to go to Disney for a week. I can definitely see where kids might be jealous or think the two trips are not equal.

 

[cheermom1]

Maybe I missed something, but I did not read anything that mentioned taking "his" kids to Disney and then taking "hers" on a separate Disney trip.

The OP said they were doing a trip with his kids around the 4th of July, not a DISNEY trip with his kids. I think this is where the "unfair" posts are coming from. We don't know what the trip with "his" kids is, but lets assume they're going camping for a long weekend and then the other kids get to go to Disney for a week. I can definitely see where kids might be jealous or think the two trips are not equal.

I get your point however to me it is still unfair to ops kids if they are planning on taking all kids to disney but her dh's ex won't let his go. either way one set of kids will lose out no win here. So my thinking is to do what they can control so off to disney I would go. Sorry but at least one set of kids will be able to enjoy it and there is no way i would let anyone dictate how or what I do with my own kids.

I understand the his kids might be missing out but that still not ops kids fault. It is a control issue of the ex plain and simple she wants to control her ex and his new wife and she is doing so through the kids. Not fair to make one set of kids have their life put on hold just one parent doesn;t want to act like an adult.

They were late by one day just one freaking day and her vacations were already set her not letting them go is her trying to control her ex.

The saddest part about this whole thing is that these kids might miss out on a very awesome trip b/c their mom want to control their dad.

 

[Hannathy]

All this did was put a damper on their 'family' vacation so if they still go on this one all kids will still get to go to disney just at separately .

No HIS kids aren't getting to go to Disney only HER kids and THEIR kid.

If they do not put off the trip there will be years of hurt feelings to deal with.

I personally could never hurt my kids that badly over having to go this year to Disney. I would put off the trip to next year when they all can go and MAKE the date for heavens sake.

Lots of power trips and playing on both sides.

 

[cheermom1]

No HIS kids aren't getting to go to Disney only HER kids and THEIR kid.

If they do not put off the trip there will be years of hurt feelings to deal with.

I personally could never hurt my kids that badly over having to go this year to Disney. I would put off the trip to next year when they all can go and MAKE the date for heavens sake.

Lots of power trips and playing on both sides.

Sorry but i will have to disagree with this as I am not seeing a power trip from op. All she wanted to do was take ALL kids to disney and just b/c they get the ex the dates one day JUST ONE day late she said no. I see only the ex having a power trip.

I know that if it had been me I would have said yes. I couldn't hurt my kids and keep them from a disney trip like that.

 

[marmalade]

Sorry but i will have to disagree with this as I am not seeing a power trip from op. All she wanted to do was take ALL kids to disney and just b/c they get the ex the dates one day JUST ONE day late she said no. I see only the ex having a power trip.

I know that if it had been me I would have said yes. I couldn't hurt my kids and keep them from a disney trip like that.

The OP stated a few pages back that because legally they don't have to tell the ex where they were going they didn't. OP claimed they just told her they wanted to take the kids out of state and that is all they told her. Where legally they don't have to tell the kids mom where they are going, it's not right. No mom wants to let their kids go out of state without knowing where they are going, even if it is with their father.

 

[cheermom1]

The OP stated a few pages back that because legally they don't have to tell the ex where they were going they didn't. OP claimed they just told her they wanted to take the kids out of state and that is all they told her. Where legally they don't have to tell the kids mom where they are going, it's not right. No mom wants to let their kids go out of state without knowing where they are going, even if it is with their father.

I get that but you know I have dealt with my dh's ex and I have been a step mom now for 9 years and I can tell you there are reasons why they didn't tell her.

We are also thinking we are dealing with a normal person too but i can tell from experience that some people are just not normal especially when it comes to situations like this. In fact we were a few years back going to book a vacation out of state but not tell dh's ex until we picked them up and then give her all the details on paper along with all contact info. WhY? B/c we from experience knew that she would pitch the biggest fit and not have the kids at the pick up site and refuse to let dh have his kids. Dh doesn't need his ex's permission to take the kids out of state just that he has to let her know all contact info.

My point is simply this from op's experience her dh might have a very good reason not to let his ex know the plans or any more info then he needs to give.

it is really a shame that people can't just be adults and not let things like this get so ugly to where kids miss out of things like this.

 

[marmalade]

I get that but you know I have dealt with my dh's ex and I have been a step mom now for 9 years and I can tell you there are reasons why they didn't tell her.

We are also thinking we are dealing with a normal person too but i can tell from experience that some people are just not normal especially when it comes to situations like this. In fact we were a few years back going to book a vacation out of state but not tell dh's ex until we picked them up and then give her all the details on paper along with all contact info. WhY? B/c we from experience knew that she would pitch the biggest fit and not have the kids at the pick up site and refuse to let dh have his kids. Dh doesn't need his ex's permission to take the kids out of state just that he has to let her know all contact info.

My point is simply this from op's experience her dh might have a very good reason not to let his ex know the plans or any more info then he needs to give.

it is really a shame that people can't just be adults and not let things like this get so ugly to where kids miss out of things like this.

So you would have been comfortable with allowing your DD when she was younger to go out of state with her father and his wife without knowing where they were going? Maybe it is just me, but I wouldn't be comfortable at all with my kids going out of state without knowing where they were going.

 

[cheermom1]

So you would have been comfortable with allowing your DD when she was younger to go out of state with her father and his wife without knowing where they were going? Maybe it is just me, but I wouldn't be comfortable at all with my kids going out of state without knowing where they were going.

I should make myself a little clearer. I would be a normal momma and not freak out or refuse to let my kids father have them. We would have a normal relationship so there would be no need to keep info from me.

One thing I have learned being a step mom is that there are reasons people do what they do namely dads. Main reason is b/c like in my situation dh's ex 'hid' his kids from him for no real reason she even said so. So when he would go to the site to pick them up they would not be there.

That is the reason we were going to not say anything and give her the info on paper and leave.

Perhaps the op's dh has reasons for not telling his ex. I am only saying I understand where the op is coming from.

Again it is sad that things like this get that ugly and the only true people that get hurt are the kids weather that be his kids or kids but one set of kids will get hurt.

 

[marmalade]

I should make myself a little clearer. I would be a normal momma and not freak out or refuse to let my kids father have them. We would have a normal relationship so there would be no need to keep info from me.

One thing I have learned being a step mom is that there are reasons people do what they do namely dads. Main reason is b/c like in my situation dh's ex 'hid' his kids from him for no real reason she even said so. So when he would go to the site to pick them up they would not be there.

That is the reason we were going to not say anything and give her the info on paper and leave.

Perhaps the op's dh has reasons for not telling his ex. I am only saying I understand where the op is coming from.

Again it is sad that things like this get that ugly and the only true people that get hurt are the kids weather that be his kids or kids but one set of kids will get hurt.

Gotcha!

Still, I think there is game playing on both sides. I am not a step parent, but I am a step child and I have seen how ugly things can get when there is a new wife or husband added into the mix.

 

[cheermom1]

Gotcha!

Still, I think there is game playing on both sides. I am not a step parent, but I am a step child and I have seen how ugly things can get when there is a new wife or husband added into the mix.

I have seen the ugliness myself with my skids so much so that they would get in trouble for liking me. It was so bad that the oldest which is 16 now told his mom that she needs to leave dad alone and stop playing the victim when she was on one of her tirades.

I guess we will have to agree to disagree about game playing on both sides b/c at this point I am just not seeing it coming from the op. I see her wanting to take her skids to disney and b/c of reasons we don;t know her dh didn;t tell his ex where they were going and they were one day late getting her the dates she said no.

I have a feeling there is a reason he didn't tell her just like in my situation we were going to tell dh's ex ourselves. Which is really sad b/c in order for them or us to take the kids on a vacation like that we can't let the ex have all the info. All op and her dh were doing was doing what they could do to get to take the kids with them and it just didn't work out that way. So sad for the all kids b/c its not fair to his kids to miss disney b/c the mom can't be adult enough to stop and think it was only one day he was late therefore the answer is no. But then at the same time I can see it is not fair to ops kids to miss a disney trip just b/c their step siblings are not allowed to go. So either way these kids are missing out.

 

[bumbershoot]

If they do not put off the trip there will be years of hurt feelings to deal with.

It's surprising to have you feel that way. To me, at least. Being from a very mixed family, I feel that it is vitally important that ALL of the children understand from this moment forward that things will NEVER be "fair", or "equal", or exact perfect. Realizing this and understanding it, and knowing that the dad and stepmom never want to *hurt* them, but also have lots of other considerations, is vital!

Through my life it's been me and my full brother, our 3 half-sibs (who are 13, 15, and 25 years younger than me), my first stepdad's 2 daughters, and my second stepdad's two children who were grown by the time we became related by the marriage of their dad and my mom (but to complicate things far too much, we were already related because my mom and their dad were step-cousins that had loved each other from childhood).

Complicated! And to have three households of children, two households with custody agreements and one in the middle, is even more complicated! At least my first stepdad wasn't a very good father, so his ex-wife's custody agreements didn't mess with his life that much...made things less complicated. But to have my dad's second family having their LIFE while my brother and I had ours, and they were very different lives...that was weird and strange and sometimes sad, but I would NEVER have wanted my younger sibs to have missed out on things, just because my mom and dad couldn't figure out how to talk to each other (dad was abusive to my mom so it's not like they could just kiss and make up).

The earlier all the kids get it, the better. Things will even out over time, as long as the parents make the effort.

No mom wants to let their kids go out of state without knowing where they are going, even if it is with their father.

Didn't the OP's husband tell her what state? Beyond that, how is the exact city going to allay any fears? If she wants "always tell me exactly where you are going" in the custody agreement, she should try to get it into the agreement.

The only trip my mom ever refused us with our dad was when he wanted to take me (and only me) to Guatemala. In the late 70s. I think it was probably prudent that she didn't allow that one, LOL.

 

[crashbb]

I get your point however to me it is still unfair to ops kids if they are planning on taking all kids to disney but her dh's ex won't let his go. either way one set of kids will lose out no win here. So my thinking is to do what they can control so off to disney I would go. Sorry but at least one set of kids will be able to enjoy it and there is no way i would let anyone dictate how or what I do with my own kids.

I understand the his kids might be missing out but that still not ops kids fault. It is a control issue of the ex plain and simple she wants to control her ex and his new wife and she is doing so through the kids. Not fair to make one set of kids have their life put on hold just one parent doesn;t want to act like an adult.

They were late by one day just one freaking day and her vacations were already set her not letting them go is her trying to control her ex.

The saddest part about this whole thing is that these kids might miss out on a very awesome trip b/c their mom want to control their dad.

You keep saying that the OP has reasons for not telling the mom anything but the bare minimum. That may be true. However, perhaps the mom also had reasons for forcing the OP's husband to stick to the exact agreement and not accept the day delay.

Yes, the children are the ones suffering due to adults trying to control each other - I'm just not ready to hang the mother and let father totally off the hook. Not enough unbiased information (well, no unbiased information) to decide.

 

[marmalade]

Didn't the OP's husband tell her what state? Beyond that, how is the exact city going to allay any fears? If she wants "always tell me exactly where you are going" in the custody agreement, she should try to get it into the agreement.

The only trip my mom ever refused us with our dad was when he wanted to take me (and only me) to Guatemala. In the late 70s. I think it was probably prudent that she didn't allow that one, LOL.

It's not so much to alleviate any fears, but why is it so difficult to tell the mom. It seems very disrespectful to keep secrets about the kids whereabouts with the kids mother. I would not trust anyone with my kids if they can't give me the decency of knowing where my kids are going and what they are doing. These kids are not adults, they are kids and the mother has every right to know where her kids are at all times.

I think both parents are playing games with these kids lives and emotions. But I still think any mother has the right to know where her kids are at all times. Also, I am probably going to get flamed for this, but in my personal experience, it is usually the step parents that cause most of the issues when it comes to the original parents kids.

 

[Hannathy]

the mother has every right to know where her kids are at all times.

Nope not when she signed the agreement saying he doesn't have to tell her AND when she is expecting him to live the agreement to the T.

If she is being a PIA about following the agreement exactly then she is going to get it right back.

I just find these sort of agreements and arguments and petty game playing so sad.

 

[marmalade]

Nope not when she signed the agreement saying he doesn't have to tell her AND when she is expecting him to live the agreement to the T.

If she is being a PIA about following the agreement exactly then she is going to get it right back.

I just find these sort of agreements and arguments and petty game playing so sad.

They broke their end of the agreement first by telling her about their vacation late, and I "think" (only speculation on my part) that the mom is playing hardball because they refused to tell her where they were taking the kids, using that legally they don't have to. Well mom can then say, legally I don't have to allow your vacation because you were late on our arrangement.

But again, I think both sides are playing games. If there were no childish game playing going on this wouldn't even be an issue at all. Both parents would be able to communicate with each other and all is well in the world.

 

[ttintagel]

I don't know if you tried this or not, but maybe if the same situation looks to be coming up again in the future, the husband could call the ex on the deadline day and say, "We'd like to take the kids on June 15, but we don't know until tomorrow whether PilotWife's vacation request will be approved. Can we get back to you in 24 hours?"

 

[CaoilinnsMom]

I almost can't believe I read this entire thread. All of it is so sad. It seems like people are taking positions based on their own personal experience, not the original post really. I am recently divorced, tried not to for my daughters sake, but did not really have a choice. It is so sad that this is all about the adults and their "rights". And their "agreement". I think lots of people dont get to actively choose what is in their agreement based on local laws and trends. What a tragedy that adults can't behave like adults, people think the trouble will end when you get divorced but in reality you are still tied together by your children and you are no longer bound by the marriage to work together as parents so parenting issues can actually get worse. If you marry a man with an ex wife, and kids, you are marrying the ex wife too. I hope you can make peace with that an in the future work together in a less adversarial manner. Best wishes to everyone who joined in the discussion, including the children of divorce themselves... This all is so sad...

 

[TinkerBelle920]

It's not so much to alleviate any fears, but why is it so difficult to tell the mom. It seems very disrespectful to keep secrets about the kids whereabouts with the kids mother. I would not trust anyone with my kids if they can't give me the decency of knowing where my kids are going and what they are doing. These kids are not adults, they are kids and the mother has every right to know where her kids are at all times.

I think both parents are playing games with these kids lives and emotions. But I still think any mother has the right to know where her kids are at all times. Also, I am probably going to get flamed for this, but in my personal experience, it is usually the step parents that cause most of the issues when it comes to the original parents kids.

Wow I think you may have watched one to many disney movies and buy into the evil stepmother thing a little too much. From my experience and many people I know it is typically the birth mothers who are bitter and jeaous who usually ruin their childs lives. But really it can be anyone just because someone is a step parent or bio parents doesn't make them more prone to hurting the children. It's whoever is the insecure and childish person. In some situations all parties are mature.

 

[Glennie5]

I hope the situation works out so that all of the kids can go together to Disney. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to blend families together but the one thing I do know is there is no way I could let my kids go on vacation without knowing where they were going.