Ex-Wife will not allow husbands kids to go....

[PilotWife]

Unfortunately, since you missed the date, legally you may be out of luck. However, it's really disappointing that the ex couldn't be a bit more flexible. Is there any way you could negotiate something by giving in on a little something she might want in exchange for her letting the kids go? I often try to be a little flexible with my ex rather than hold him to the letter of our agreement so that when I need a little flexibility I can point out the times when I've worked with him. Sometimes, he takes advantage of that, but my focus is on "what works best for DD" first, then "what works best for me and ex". Usually we can come to some agreement that works for everyone.

This is off topic, but YES my husband is very involved and helps her out whenever she needs it...if she wants to go out of town for the weekend and it is her weekend, he takes the kids (really because he wants to spend more time with them) Baseball is another issue...She has rarely taken the kids to baseball....We postponed our honeymoon to have his kids because she "suddenly" had to work....and I would NEVER tell him he shouldn't have extra time with his children, so we can have a honeymoon. But I feel that he helps her out whenever she needs it, but when we need something....she is black/white....no gray......
I also would never tell him to play her game the way she plays, but I deal with an ex who is never here, never home and can never help out (military)....she just really doesnt know how well she has it sometimes, as far as ex's and help go...

Sorry about the rant, but I needed it.

 

[Hannathy]

I think the important thing is how will his children feel, more so than if it is actually fair.

Will they feel their Dad likes your kids and his new kid better? Will Mom feed into this?
How does your DH feel about taking your kids and not his to Disney? I really feel this is important.

Whether it is actually fair or not doesn't matter, the fallout from it and the feelings involved are more important and what you will have to deal with.

Could you plan Disney for next summer involving all 3 sets of kids and do a similar vacation like you are taking over the 4th with your kids this summer?

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

You are dealing with two separate families; you will never be able to make everything completely fair or equal and the kids need to learn this. His kids will get to do things with their mom that your kids will not get to do. It all works out.

 

[chimilady]

[/B]


Specifically, because we have not been married all that long and I didnt realize it....and it has NEVER been an issue before......AND because my work deals with Juvenile Court and the judges calendar.....

Well, now you know for next year. I mean it's terrible but if you work with the Juvenile Court, you know how this works.

I would still take your children to WDW.

 

[tosha27]

I really didnt want to get into the specifics of "why"....this happened....It was my fault and YES she is very controlling......

What I want to know is....Knowing that we are taking his children on a trip during the 4th of July....is it unfair to his children that we still go on the Disney Trip with my children and our child. (4th of July is not Disney...but a fun trip with amusment parks, caverns, beach etc, and with his children's paternal family-which they do not see...) My children missed our vacation last year due to their father's leave from Afghanistan....and will also miss this trip due to their father's time for the summer)... There is one week at the beginning of the summer (his ex's vacation week) and one at the end of the summer that I will have my children for vacation...

Jennifer

I would probably go ahead and go. Either way, a set of kids are going to be dissapointed, and unfortunately you have to make that choice. I don't envy you. Any parent who refuses their children the opportunity to go on a nice vacation with the other parent for no other reason than you were late telling her the dates, is selfish in my opinion (based on what I know about the situation from this post). Now if she already had plans on those dates with the kids then it is a different story.

 

[STAYC18]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PilotWife

I really didnt want to get into the specifics of "why"....this happened....It was my fault and YES she is very controlling......

What I want to know is....Knowing that we are taking his children on a trip during the 4th of July....is it unfair to his children that we still go on the Disney Trip with my children and our child. (4th of July is not Disney...but a fun trip with amusment parks, caverns, beach etc, and with his children's paternal family-which they do not see...) My children missed our vacation last year due to their father's leave from Afghanistan....and will also miss this trip due to their father's time for the summer)... There is one week at the beginning of the summer (his ex's vacation week) and one at the end of the summer that I will have my children for vacation...

Jennifer

I would probably go ahead and go. Either way, a set of kids are going to be dissapointed, and unfortunately you have to make that choice. I don't envy you. Any parent who refuses their children the opportunity to go on a nice vacation with the other parent for no other reason than you were late telling her the dates, is selfish in my opinion (based on what I know about the situation from this post). Now if she already had plans on those dates with the kids then it is a different story.

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[canopynut66]

I am really disappointed about this and I know what we are going to do about this already...but I wanted to see what others opinions on the subject is...

My husband's ex-wife will not allow his children to go on our family trip with my children and our new baby (this is our first "all together" family trip)...We are taking his children on a trip earlier in the summer when my children will be with their father.....So, would you still go or hope things might work out next year?

(as of right now we are not going to be going to Disney but will be taking my children somewhere)....

Stop the games before it goes any further. have husband contact his lawyer as unless is something your not telling on here then no reason the father should not be able to take his kids out of state on a vacation with the Pope if he so desired. and the who--- he taking along may indeed be the reason of the whole debate. Your husband is the ONLY one who can take care of this problem and the sooner he does it the better for all. hope your husband gets it done as it will not get better as time goes on.

 

[Mama Who]

If her only reason was I notified a day late, I would be in court.

Except that the court set the deadline. Dad may have his pick of weeks provided he chooses no later than, say March 1st. Mom cannot make solid plans for ANY week in summer until Dad chooses OR, by not choosing, forfeits his first dibs.

These clauses are common and honestly, they protect BOTH parties. If Dad can get his stuff together by March 1st, he can have any weeks that he wants. If Dad doesn't, them Mom is allowed to choose. If Dad doesn't have to comply with the deadline it leaves him the option of messing with Mom and preventing her from having enough lead time to make her own plans. He gets first choice but he doesn't get to keep her dangling. After March 1, it is Mom's turn to choose time. She is now in the coveted "dibs" position. Dad gets what's leftover.

 

[Maggie'sMom]

Stop the games before it goes any further. have husband contact his lawyer as unless is something your not telling on here then no reason the father should not be able to take his kids out of state on a vacation with the Pope if he so desired. and the who--- he taking along may indeed be the reason of the whole debate. Your husband is the ONLY one who can take care of this problem and the sooner he does it the better for all. hope your husband gets it done as it will not get better as time goes on.

The issue is the OP's husband was supposed to tell his ex by a specified date what weeks he wanted for vacation. He missed the deadline, granted by only one day, but when he missed that deadline, he lost his legal right to the vacation week of his choice. Yes, it sucks that the ex isn't being flexible, but she's under no legal obligation to do so.

 

[Lizzybean]

I think the important thing is how will his children feel, more so than if it is actually fair.

Will they feel their Dad likes your kids and his new kid better? Will Mom feed into this?
How does your DH feel about taking your kids and not his to Disney? I really feel this is important.

Whether it is actually fair or not doesn't matter, the fallout from it and the feelings involved are more important and what you will have to deal with.

Could you plan Disney for next summer involving all 3 sets of kids and do a similar vacation like you are taking over the 4th with your kids this summer?

This!!! ^^^^^^^

I have a few thoughts as a child of divorce who is now an adult. This is just my humble opinion so only take it at that.

My dad immediately began taking vacations with his new wife after the divorce. He had me and my sister for several weeks in the summer and we would take weekend jaunts to theme parks or the beach (within driving distance) BUT when we weren't there they went to the Caribbean, Africa, greece, cruises, Cali, the Amazon...the list goes on. I always felt (right or wrong) his wife was the reason we weren't invited. As an adult I know now he should've stood up for kids so there's plenty of "blame" (proverbially speaking) to go around. I also know my mother isn't a Saint. I STILL feel hurt by the exclusion (not just vacation but for a child that may be the most obvious sign) and I have a teenager of my own. Interestingly enough DH had very similar experiences and is also still pained (again it's not the vacation, it's the perception of exclusion). We both have strained relationships with our fathers and their families. Not bc we hold a grudge but honestly, it's just awkward to be around them as a parent knowing we could never do that.

Now it sounds like your DH is much better than our fathers!! My DH is SUCH a great dad and I'm so happy to have him. That said WDW is for many kids the jackpot of vacations. If your DH's kids see your family take that trip and they feel excluded (no matter whose fault it is--you missing a deadline, mom being inflexible) are you both okay with that? Perception IS reality for kids and they do remember. Blended families are hard to navigate and granted someone always feeling left out at times but this may be a pretty big left out. It's easy for me to say what I would do since I'm not in your position but if it WERE me either everyone is going to Disney or no one is going to Disney (except grown ups alone). I don't his kids will have lifelong scars if they miss the trip but I do think it could ignite some anger and resentment and mistrust that you DO NOT want to deal with.

Another thing--now that you're married I would go through all the legal paperwork DH has and become completely familiar with it so you aren't in this predicament in the future.

Good luck. I feel for all the kids!

 

[henrylarry6]

Yeah I would have gone hoping positively for next year.

 

[Wadecool]

Good luck OP! Hope it all works out.

 

[disneymomjcs]

Contact your attorney. Have him contact her attorney or write a letter.

Stating although you missed the deadline by one day due to work scheduling issues. You don't want he kids to be left out and want them included on the vacation. They will know by pictures and the other kids talking. This puts the ball in her court as being inflexible and you may need this as evidence down the road.

Unfortunate but true that if she is inflexible and difficult she will continue to be that way.

 

[Daisy-J&D]

Does his ex now know that his intentions were to take his kids to Walt Disney World? Or are you still omitting that information to keep it a secret? Do you think if she has more info she'll understand what she is denying her kids?

 

[saffsmom]

does she have vacation plans with the kids for the week in question?
if she does not then it would be pretty hard for her to explain her inflexibility to a judge.
custody agreements are usually meant to be applied with some common sense and cooperation between parties
if your husbands attorney writes a letter explaining the situation i think the ball will be in her court to explain her reasoning (or lack there of) to a judge.
you should however be prepared for a NO from the courts. (it cant hurt to ask though)

i would only go to WDW when i could take ALL of the kids.

 

[Mama Who]

if she does not then it would be pretty hard for her to explain her inflexibility to a judge.

Not really. I can tell you from experience roughly how that conversation goes.

Dad: She won't let me have the week I want!
Judge: Did you submit your choice to her in writing by X date?
Dad: No, I was a little late, but...
Judge: Did you understand the court order?
Dad: Yes, but I had this reason...
Judge: Next...

In order to extend Dad's right to pick a date past the deadline, the judge would have to infringe on Mom's right to make plans. If Mom had said 1 day before the deadline that she was choosing her dates and Dad had to work around them she'd be equally out of luck. She doesn't get to pre-empt him either.

It would be nice of Mom to be flexible if she has no other plans that week but the court is not going to indulge Dad because he didn't schedule his time because of his wife. His wife's availability is not a concern of the court for his visitation and it won't be allowed to trump Mom's rights as pertain to her children. This one is really going to come down to appealing to Mom's better nature and hoping she will grant Dad a favor. It would be a good idea to look at what Dad has that Mom might want and be prepared to trade. This is where playing nicely with the ex pays off.

 

[Maggie'sMom]

This is off topic, but YES my husband is very involved and helps her out whenever she needs it...if she wants to go out of town for the weekend and it is her weekend, he takes the kids (really because he wants to spend more time with them) Baseball is another issue...She has rarely taken the kids to baseball....We postponed our honeymoon to have his kids because she "suddenly" had to work....and I would NEVER tell him he shouldn't have extra time with his children, so we can have a honeymoon. But I feel that he helps her out whenever she needs it, but when we need something....she is black/white....no gray......
I also would never tell him to play her game the way she plays, but I deal with an ex who is never here, never home and can never help out (military)....she just really doesnt know how well she has it sometimes, as far as ex's and help go...

Sorry about the rant, but I needed it.

I've read your response to my post several times and I think you misinterpreted what I meant. I never questioned whether your husband was involved with his kids or his committment to him. In fact, quite the opposite. I thought your husband seems very involved with his kids. What I was suggesting was that if you want to try to get your desired vacation week with the kids, you might have to do a little negotiating, or game playing, as you put it. Your husband missed the deadline in the court agreements. There's no changing that. So go about this a different way. What is that vacation week worth to you and your husband right now? Is there something the ex wants that you could exchange for what you want? For example, is it your turn to have the kids for Thanksgiving this year, but you know the ex would really like to have them? Do you want this vacation week enough to negotiate that holiday? Would you be willing to cover the fees for baseball in their entirety rather than split them half and half? Think creatively and play nice with the ex. Maybe you can get her to budge a little. But it's all about how much do you really want this vacation week.

Not really. I can tell you from experience roughly how that conversation goes.

Dad: She won't let me have the week I want!
Judge: Did you submit your choice to her in writing by X date?
Dad: No, I was a little late, but...
Judge: Did you understand the court order?
Dad: Yes, but I had this reason...
Judge: Next...

In order to extend Dad's right to pick a date past the deadline, the judge would have to infringe on Mom's right to make plans. If Mom had said 1 day before the deadline that she was choosing her dates and Dad had to work around them she'd be equally out of luck. She doesn't get to pre-empt him either.

It would be nice of Mom to be flexible if she has no other plans that week but the court is not going to indulge Dad because he didn't schedule his time because of his wife. His wife's availability is not a concern of the court for his visitation and it won't be allowed to trump Mom's rights as pertain to her children. This one is really going to come down to appealing to Mom's better nature and hoping she will grant Dad a favor. It would be a good idea to look at what Dad has that Mom might want and be prepared to trade. This is where playing nicely with the ex pays off.

Exactly what I was trying to get at earlier.

 

[PilotWife]

Does his ex now know that his intentions were to take his kids to Walt Disney World? Or are you still omitting that information to keep it a secret? Do you think if she has more info she'll understand what she is denying her kids?

Yes - she now knows what the plan was going to try to be...and we have requested in writing that she reconsider.....AND that the children are not to be told -WHAT SO EVER....(due to no disappointments if things dont work out)....That was written this past weekend and she has still not answered.

Jennifer

 

[marmalade]

Yes - she now knows what the plan was going to try to be...and we have requested in writing that she reconsider.....AND that the children are not to be told -WHAT SO EVER....(due to no disappointments if things dont work out)....That was written this past weekend and she has still not answered.

Jennifer

Hopefully she changes her mind and allows the kids to go. Wishing you some pixie dust.

 

[dragonfly08]

Not really. I can tell you from experience roughly how that conversation goes.

Dad: She won't let me have the week I want!
Judge: Did you submit your choice to her in writing by X date?
Dad: No, I was a little late, but...
Judge: Did you understand the court order?
Dad: Yes, but I had this reason...
Judge: Next...

In order to extend Dad's right to pick a date past the deadline, the judge would have to infringe on Mom's right to make plans. If Mom had said 1 day before the deadline that she was choosing her dates and Dad had to work around them she'd be equally out of luck. She doesn't get to pre-empt him either.

I'm not a step-parent, so I apologize in advance if I'm not a huge help. But reading this reminded me of something my DH has often told me about the contracts classes he's taken over the years as part of his professional development requirements. Apparently, if you "bend the rules" once you could lose the right to enforce them in the future. So even if Mom wanted to play nice (although it doesn't seem that is the case, but let's pretend for the sake of my explanation), if she gives him the extra day this time then she might lose the right to enforce deadlines for other things.

While I'm not defending her, the fact is that a deadline is a deadline. There's no missing it by "a little" v. "a lot". There's only "you missed it". It sucks in situations like this, but that's why rules exist...so that nobody has to make a judgement call.

I think the OP should definitely still go, and have a great time!