Ever have a "wet towel" as a friend

[descovy]

Or just a grump?

When my dd14 was 7, she became best friends with another little 7yo on our street. Her mom and I became fast friends too.

I love my friend dearly, (mom to dd's friend) but she has a way of making me feel "silly" sometimes. She's super smart, and prefers to be super practical. No makeup, cheap clothes, super-cuts haircut. I don't have a problem at all with her style. I, myself, am pretty low maintenance. But sometimes I like to put a little makeup on, or wear a cute top, just because. If I do, she'll make a remark about how much I spend on my hair (another neighbor works in a salon and she knows she charges $60 for a cut/color) or why am I wearing makeup on a Tuesday? I just shrug it off, she's a good enough friend to look past that.

But as our dd's are growing up, its apparent their tastes & preferences are showing to be much different as well. The girls are entering HS this fall. My dd is doing theatre and dance, her friend is into robotics and computer club. That is fine and all, but today in the car I was taking to them to an event, and almost anything my dd wanted to talk about, her friend found to be "stupid." Basically she sounds a lot like her mom (my friend) So "over it" or too enlightened to care about silly things. They are 14 for pete's sake. Be a little interested (or at least curious) about homecoming. Or at least fake it right?

My daughter is bummed because she feels their friendship sliding away. She has plenty of other friends who aren't "in to" the same things she is, but they don't make her feel stupid about it.

So there you have it. I have a wet towel friend, and I think my dd inherited one too. We aren't silly little bobble heads, but we are treated that way because we are not super practical brainiacs.

 

[wenrob]

I had a friend like this. After awhile, I sat her down and told her how some of things she said made me feel. She was truly stunned and had no idea she was making me feel that way. We went on to be the very best of friends for a very long time. So, my advice would be to actually talk to her about it and have your DD do the same with her friend.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I have never heard that term before, lol. But I understand what you mean, and yes, I've known people like that.

Friendships are going to be changing a lot for the girls in the next couple of years, and this is one of the ways it starts. It's good that you're talking about it with her.

 

[Jennasis]

I don't wear makeup...my clothes are generally from Goodwill (I work on a farm...not spending money on expensive clothes that will be ruined). Even as a kid I had ZERO interest in Homecoming or Prom. BOTH of my sisters are like the Sex in the City girls...latest fashions, never go to the mailbox without makeup etc.

While their sensibilities are not mine, I certainly never mention it and they have never pointed out my lack of fashion etc.

Your friend isn't a wet blanket. She's RUDE and you would serve yourself best by either calling her out on if and telling her how it makes you feel and to please cut it out, or drop the friendship.

 

[ronandannette]

I had a friend like this. After awhile, I sat her down and told her how some of things she said made me feel. She was truly stunned and had no idea she was making me feel that way. We went on to be the very best of friends for a very long time. So, my advice would be to actually talk to her about it and have your DD do the same with her friend.

This is a good idea; at least worth a try. Like it or not, sometimes (not always, don't flame me) people who spend most of their time on more cerebral pursuits don't always have the greatest social skills. I'm no physicist or anything but I do tend to live "inside my own head". I can be overly blunt about things that don't interest me - I have to be purposeful about not offending anyone and putting energy into the things they like.

 

[Christine]

This is a good idea; at least worth a try. Like it or not, sometimes (not always, don't flame me) people who spend most of their time on more cerebral pursuits don't always have the greatest social skills. I'm no physicist or anything but I do tend to live "inside my own head". I can be overly blunt about things that don't interest me - I have to be purposeful about not offending anyone and putting energy into the things they like.

This is exactly true. I think the "engineering" types can definitely be in their own heads to much and they do find frivolous things to be very silly and they don't have much patience with it.

If she is a good friend, as you have said, I think I would just bring it up with her and let her know that it's happening between the two girls also, but that you love the friendship. But you guys are getting your feelings hurt.

 

[Poohforyou]

Do you mean "wet blanket"? I haven't ever heard the term "wet towel" to describe a person.

That being said, I have many friends who are very different from me. I might wonder to myself why they do certain things but I wouldn't ever comment on it. My friends are the same way. I don't think I'd be friends for long with someone like that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Or just a grump?

When my dd14 was 7, she became best friends with another little 7yo on our street. Her mom and I became fast friends too.

I love my friend dearly, (mom to dd's friend) but she has a way of making me feel "silly" sometimes. She's super smart, and prefers to be super practical. No makeup, cheap clothes, super-cuts haircut. I don't have a problem at all with her style. I, myself, am pretty low maintenance. But sometimes I like to put a little makeup on, or wear a cute top, just because. If I do, she'll make a remark about how much I spend on my hair (another neighbor works in a salon and she knows she charges $60 for a cut/color) or why am I wearing makeup on a Tuesday? I just shrug it off, she's a good enough friend to look past that.

But as our dd's are growing up, its apparent their tastes & preferences are showing to be much different as well. The girls are entering HS this fall. My dd is doing theatre and dance, her friend is into robotics and computer club. That is fine and all, but today in the car I was taking to them to an event, and almost anything my dd wanted to talk about, her friend found to be "stupid." Basically she sounds a lot like her mom (my friend) So "over it" or too enlightened to care about silly things. They are 14 for pete's sake. Be a little interested (or at least curious) about homecoming. Or at least fake it right?

My daughter is bummed because she feels their friendship sliding away. She has plenty of other friends who aren't "in to" the same things she is, but they don't make her feel stupid about it.

So there you have it. I have a wet towel friend, and I think my dd inherited one too. We aren't silly little bobble heads, but we are treated that way because we are not super practical brainiacs.

Well, so it goes...

Your friend is rude for pointing out your personal hygiene and finances.

Your dd's friend is also clueless that she is hurtful.

Best course of action is just to be blunt and to the point. Something like I really do not appreciate you commenting on how much I spend on my hair and ask her to stop it.

As far as the dd friend, your dd is just going to have to move on with the friendship in a different way if they want to continue to be friends.

Does not mean she has to drop the friend however they are polar opposites and your dd is going to have to say something to the effect like "I do not appreciate you calling my interests stupid. Friends do not treat each other that way and remain friends. How would you like it if I called your things stupid."

My youngest is with the brainiac crowd and they do not care what your are wearing or make comments on it. They are very accepting of all people.

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

The daughter's friend is just afraid no one's going to ask her to Homecoming. That's why she's acting like she doesn't want to go anyway. #Teenage angst

 

[Allison]

Do you mean "wet blanket"? I haven't ever heard the term "wet towel" to describe a person.

That being said, I have many friends who are very different from me. I might wonder to myself why they do certain things but I wouldn't ever comment on it. My friends are the same way. I don't think I'd be friends for long with someone like that.

I only know the term wet blanket also.

 

[bdcp]

Everyone has different personality traits. I guarantee you they are not trying to be that way anymore than you are trying to be the way you are. I know how I come across sometimes is judgmental, but I'm honestly not trying to be that way, it's just the way my mind works. Just like the OP's friend and her daughter's minds work differently than the OP's does. Doesn't make them terrible people. It just them being who they are. I have issues with people who think that some are being "wet blankets" when they are just being themselves. Not everyone is easy going, laid back, outgoing, extroverted, etc. Some of us are more rigid, introverted, etc and it's just the way we are wired.

Although, I do have to say, I have never and would never tell someone they're spending too much on something, but it sounds like she is a straightforward person which isn't always a bad thing either.

 

[Jeafl]

This is exactly true. I think the "engineering" types can definitely be in their own heads to much and they do find frivolous things to be very silly and they don't have much patience with it.

Not always. My daughter is one of 3 girls that did the Project Lead the Way engineering classes all through high school, and she is in mechanical engineering at college. The three of them in high school were all girly girls and were very much interested in homecoming and other frivolous things. The boys, however, were more of the introverted' "geeky" types (for lack of a better word). I am sure this is not always the case, but that's how it worked out at her school. She ended up being great friends with almost everyone in the class.

 

[Kimberlyann11]

I only know the term wet blanket also.

We used to use the term "wet diaper".

 

[sunshinehighway]

I'm so sick of people thinking "oh I don't mean to come off like that" is a good enough excuse to keep doing it. Guess what, whether you mean it or not, it's how you do come across. You might not realize it at first but once it's been pointed out it shouldn't continue.

Can ya tell I've been dealing with someone like this too. It can be very frustrating.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Everyone has different personality traits. I guarantee you they are not trying to be that way anymore than you are trying to be the way you are. I know how I come across sometimes is judgmental, but I'm honestly not trying to be that way, it's just the way my mind works. Just like the OP's friend and her daughter's minds work differently than the OP's does. Doesn't make them terrible people. It just them being who they are. I have issues with people who think that some are being "wet blankets" when they are just being themselves. Not everyone is easy going, laid back, outgoing, extroverted, etc. Some of us are more rigid, introverted, etc and it's just the way we are wired.

Although, I do have to say, I have never and would never tell someone they're spending too much on something, but it sounds like she is a straightforward person which isn't always a bad thing either.

When I see the term Wet Blanket, I think Debbie Downer. If there prevailing personality trait is to be a Debbie Downer and to be rude about it, then
It doesn't matter if it is the way they are wired. It is going to cause friendship problems. If you think someone's interest are stupid--that isn't being a good friend at all. It is fine if it isn't something you would do--but I am not going to even think my friend's interests are stupid just because it is something I personally don't like. Now, if the interests cause great harm, that is a whole different can of worms.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Not always. My daughter is one of 3 girls that did the Project Lead the Way engineering classes all through high school, and she is in mechanical engineering at college. The three of them in high school were all girly girls and were very much interested in homecoming and other frivolous things. The boys, however, were more of the introverted' "geeky" types (for lack of a better word). I am sure this is not always the case, but that's how it worked out at her school. She ended up being great friends with almost everyone in the class.

My husband is an engineering type. Knowing him in college and now--he somewhat fits the stereotype a little. (I don't personally think he is geeky, but in college my "friends" did.). In any case, his high school experience was polar opposite and somewhat surprising. Popular. Trendy (as financially able). This club that club.

Surprising because my husband is a total introvert. BUT he was not be the stereotypically geeky persona say like Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles and Breakfast club.

 

[clh2]

I found with my Dd that many friendships changed as she transitioned from middle to high school.

Nothing bad about it, just the way it was. As a parent, I tried to stay neutral about the whole process.

 

[bdcp]

When I see the term Wet Blanket, I think Debbie Downer. If there prevailing personality trait is to be a Debbie Downer and to be rude about it, then
It doesn't matter if it is the way they are wired. It is going to cause friendship problems. If you think someone's interest are stupid--that isn't being a good friend at all. It is fine if it isn't something you would do--but I am not going to even think my friend's interests are stupid just because it is something I personally don't like. Now, if the interests cause great harm, that is a whole different can of worms.

That's easy to say when your mind doesn't work that way. Understand something, all I ever wanted to be in HS was popular and I did run with the popular crowd, but never quite fit in as easily as the others did because I just didn't think they way they did. I was a cheerleader, involved in the class, partied dated a few jocks, etc, but I found that just wasn't me. I tried changing myself to be more like the more extroverted, outgoing people, but it never really worked. Honestly, being "rude" is a judgment call and what it is varies from person to person.

My DH is and was a geek. He's the best man and husband in the world. He's also an engineer. I'm sure you've heard this joke: What is the difference between an extroverted engineer and an introverted engineer? The extroverted engineer looks at your shoes.

I work at a location that has mostly highly educated technical people and the above is so true. The work I do isn't technical, but I definitely identify more with those that do.

One thing I've learned that is if someone who is wired that way they either tend to learn to stay quiet because they've been told so many times that they're being rude, judgmental, unemotional, etc or they just say what they're feeling and get judged for it. So, all you teach someone you think is rude is that what they say or think has no value.

 

[Christine]

Not always. My daughter is one of 3 girls that did the Project Lead the Way engineering classes all through high school, and she is in mechanical engineering at college. The three of them in high school were all girly girls and were very much interested in homecoming and other frivolous things. The boys, however, were more of the introverted' "geeky" types (for lack of a better word). I am sure this is not always the case, but that's how it worked out at her school. She ended up being great friends with almost everyone in the class.

Hey, didn't mean to imply that every engineer is rude or anti-social. Not at all, I know some very "regular" engineers!!!

Yet, there is a large subset of the "STEM" population that can be very practical, fairly rigid, and a little intolerant of the fluffy things in life. I don't think they intend to be rude or come off as intolerant, but they do. Sometimes they just need a gentle reminder from their friends.

I worked with a female engineer who had a very hard time relating to other women. She was very nice but just didn't have a lot in common with what other women in the office did (shopping, makeup, etc). She said she would almost break out into a sweat at a shopping mall because it all totally overwhelmed her and she didn't know what to do. I don't recall her smirking at us for our love of shopping or makeup but I think if she had and we had mentioned it, she would have been fairly grateful to know she was coming off that way.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

While it is fine for your friend and her daughter to have different interests that you and your daughter, it isn't fine for her to make rude comments that make you feel "silly". She might not know she is making you feel that way, you might need to let her know.

Neither of my kids are interested in the more mainstream high school events, but they would never think to make rude comments to someone who is interested in those things. It sounds like the daughter is marching right along in her mom's footsteps.

I think your friend feels threatened on some level by your more "girly" efforts to look nice. Some people aren't happy unless everyone elses' lives are like theirs.

As far as the "wet towel" thing, I knew what you meant.