Ever have a "wet towel" as a friend

[Colleen27]

This is a good idea; at least worth a try. Like it or not, sometimes (not always, don't flame me) people who spend most of their time on more cerebral pursuits don't always have the greatest social skills. I'm no physicist or anything but I do tend to live "inside my own head". I can be overly blunt about things that don't interest me - I have to be purposeful about not offending anyone and putting energy into the things they like.

I would second this. I can be the same way. As an adult I moderate it better and have more practice at adapting to social situations, but I still don't have many female friends because I have a hard time relating to a lot of typically female pursuits and topics of conversation. In high school I could be very blunt/rude when it came to things I viewed as frivolous. It wasn't meant to be offensive and I did appreciate when close friends would mention how I came off so that I could adjust, because I was/am simply terrible at reading people and adjusting based on non-verbal feedback or other social cues.

Something else to consider is that, given what you said about this girl being so much like her mother, she uses looking down on certain activities as a defense mechanism because she either doesn't feel like she could fit in and do those things or she fears her mother's judgment if she did want to go to the mall, spend money on a one-time-use dress and makeup and accessories, and be one of the "silly" girls for a while.

 

[Andtototoo]

The issue is not that they are wet blankets.

The issue is that they are RUDE. It is impolite and frankly, mean to denigrate someone else's looks, preferences, and activities.

You should have nipped that in the bud with this mom a long time ago. It's not too late to say, "Why do you put down the things I like? Do you know how that makes me feel? Do you care how that makes me feel?" Same for your dd.

It's really important that you teach your dd the boundaries of acceptable behavior with friends, family, etc.

One thing I've learned that is if someone who is wired that way they either tend to learn to stay quiet because they've been told so many times that they're being rude, judgmental, unemotional, etc or they just say what they're feeling and get judged for it. So, all you teach someone you think is rude is that what they say or think has no value.

That's how you choose to interpret it because you're focused solely on your feelings. What you say has value because you are their friend and they trust you -- so much value that it hurts other people who are now wondering if they are stupid or frivolous because you keep saying it. What someone is saying when they tell you that you are being rude is that you have hurt their feelings. Why are their feelings of less value than yours?

if someone is being rude (and expecting me to be so thick-skinned that it doesn't bother me to be called stupid) and doesn't want me to call them on it, I will cut them out of my life. I have better things to do than be with people who denigrate me and are rude.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm so sick of people thinking "oh I don't mean to come off like that" is a good enough excuse to keep doing it. Guess what, whether you mean it or not, it's how you do come across. You might not realize it at first but once it's been pointed out it shouldn't continue.

Can ya tell I've been dealing with someone like this too. It can be very frustrating.

And let's not forget the "apology" of "I'm sorry you feel that way".

 

[okeydokey]

Making someone feel stupid because they have different interests than you is rude. It just is. Saying, Well this is my personality, I am wired that way, is a cop out. If your friend and her daughter don't care about having friends,then they can continue to insult and reap the consequences of their actions.

The girls may find that their interests change over time and that they are no longer suited to be friends. Your daughter is under no obligation (and neither are you) to continue to associate with someone who tries to make her feel bad about her interests and choices.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with OkayDokey.
Being 'different' is one thing.
And, that should be okay!!!
Different Strokes.

When there is ongoing judgment and negativity, especially about such things as one's personal appearance, grooming, style, etc... (ESPECIALLY AT THESE GIRLS AGE!!!!!) I see this as very, very, much more than being 'different; or a 'wet blanket'.

I am not sure what my advice might be.
We are not there to personally know the four of you and all of pros and cons and dynamics of the relationships.

But, I can say that, at this point, I would be seeing this as a major major issue.

Sorry!!!!!

 

[MamaLema]

I don't really have any advice, but I would not be friends with someone who always puts me down!

 

[kate_wdw]

The daughter's friend is just afraid no one's going to ask her to Homecoming. That's why she's acting like she doesn't want to go anyway. #Teenage angst

This is huge assumption (and a gender stereotyped one to boot). Not all teenage girls 1) care about high school dances, and 2) care about being asked to high school dances.

 

[Lynne M]

Making someone feel stupid because they have different interests than you is rude. It just is. Saying, Well this is my personality, I am wired that way, is a cop out. If your friend and her daughter don't care about having friends,then they can continue to insult and reap the consequences of their actions.

This is so, so true. Being told by someone that you shouldn't have spent your money a certain way, or that your interests are stupid - it's insulting. And it hurts. It just plain hurts.

If you hurt someone over and over again, don't expect them to want to spend time with you.

Some people do have a tendency to say whatever is on their mind, but most learn to filter what they say so as not to hurt people. Because it's a choice. People can think whatever they like, but they CHOOSE the words that come out of their mouth. And someone constantly making a choice to say things that they know will hurt others, like the OP's friend and their daughter...well, they won't keep a friend for long.

 

[Lanshark]

People sometimes grow apart. Either talk to her or start to distance yourself. Sounds like the girls are already growing apart.

 

[DeaverTex]

I'm the wet blanket usually (as many of you have probably surmised, I grew up with VERY conservative parents who were negative about most things themselves) and I also have a tendency to speak before I think. It's cost me some friends, but none that were real friends because real friends were willing to swallow the unintended insult once or twice and TELL me what I was doing. Because of them, I'm a lot better about keeping my mouth shut when something inappropriate or hurtful wants to come out.

OP, your daughter needs to tell the girl what she's doing in very clear terms. If the girl stops, great. If she doesn't, or attempts to rationalize or justify her statements -- or even persists in trying to force her own opinions on your daughter -- then your daughter needs to excise the girl from her life like a malignant growth. And I chose that term very carefully.

You can't do it, though. It needs to be your daughter.

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

This is huge assumption (and a gender stereotyped one to boot). Not all teenage girls 1) care about high school dances, and 2) care about being asked to high school dances.

I'm playing the percentages.

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

This is huge assumption (and a gender stereotyped one to boot). Not all teenage girls 1) care about high school dances, and 2) care about being asked to high school dances.

I'm playing the percentages.