Engagement issues already....

[mom2rtk]

I learned to keep my mouth shut from my MIL. My DH was a Mennonite when we got married, yet his parents welcomed me into their family with no condemnation that I was not of their faith. She was the most wonderful mother-in-law, and I learned a lot from her. She passed away (ALS) in 2000 and I still miss her so much. We never had any drama from either set of parents, and I feel sorry for those that have meddling MIL's.

Do we even know if this is a meddling mother in law? I'm hesitant to label her as such with what we have been told.

 

[cabanafrau]

My advice to you and your DD is, take it in stride and only compromise on things DD and fiance are willing to compromise with and nothing else. This is their wedding, regardless of what his mom says. And if its about the fact that she can't help pay for his wedding AND his sister's wedding, then they have no reason to listen to her demands, opinions at all if they don't wish to. My DH and I, especially when it came to the guest list, we went with the mentality that, if they love us enough to drop anything to come to our wedding, then they will come, and if they don't then just as well. It will be in their mind what we think or how we will feel, but I could care less and that would be my advice to her, do what you can to accommodate her without making yourself unhappy and call it a day. Let MIL make the last call and let her decision rest on her conscience.

IMO here are the flies in the ointment with respect to what you've said.

First, the sister's wedding was already on the books and mom may have already made a commitment financially there. Now her son announces plans for two months later & mom may very much want to give funding assistance but simply cannot. Now she either speaks up to the son or should go back on her promise to her daughter? If she decides she is obligated to follow through on her commitment to daughter's wedding and cannot contribute to son's her opinions are not welcome whatsoever? Pay up or shut up?

If you "love a couple enough to drop anything to come to their wedding, you'll come, and if you don't, just as well"? What if family or friends are close with both siblings and because of work scheduling issues or travel required they can attend one, but not both within an eight-week timeframe? They decide which sibling they "love enough" and the other is second best?

 

[Christine]

We are getting married in a few weeks, and one of our good friends is getting married about 6 weeks after us. We didn't bat an eye about it, but now a lot of our mutual friends are muttering under their breath that they have to attend two weddings so close together, shell out the money/gifts, etc. It's a strain on guests too, not just the family and bridal party.

I'm kind of surprised the sister isn't more irritated to be honest. It really would take some of the spotlight off her during her special time.

I actually think it all works out well for the sister. There's nothing but possible a bridal shower that would impact the sister. I think the MIL will be fully involved in the sister's stuff. It's the second wedding that will get less attention from the mother and the guests. If the OP's daughter and fiance are okay with that, then it's all good. The only one feeling like she didn't get to fully enjoy both events will be the MIL of the groom of the second wedding.

 

[nkereina]

If you "love a couple enough to drop anything to come to their wedding, you'll come, and if you don't, just as well"? What if family or friends are close with both siblings and because of work scheduling issues or travel required they can attend one, but not both within an eight-week timeframe? They decide which sibling they "love enough" and the other is second best?

Great point - I didn't even consider relatives that live out of state that would likely feel obligated to either attend both weddings or neither. Or they may attend the sister's wedding first, and give the son & OP's daughter their gift at that wedding which then takes some of the spotlight off the sister and the son & OP's daughter lose a wedding guest.

 

[nkereina]

I actually think it all works out well for the sister. There's nothing but possible a bridal shower that would impact the sister. I think the MIL will be fully involved in the sister's stuff. It's the second wedding that will get less attention from the mother and the guests. If the OP's daughter and fiance are okay with that, then it's all good. The only one feeling like she didn't get to fully enjoy both events will be the MIL of the groom of the second wedding.

I was just thinking from the perspective that the sister will have to be cautious about her dates for her shower and bachelorette, and when she's at those events for her wedding, people will inevitably be asking OP's daughter about her plans, maybe giving her a gift if they can't make her shower, etc. Also financially - Aunt Mary might skip buying the expensive pot & pan set for the sister, since she knows she's got another bridal shower to go to a few weeks later.

It's like people who have a birthday around Christmas - they get the short end of the stick as far as special attention or gifts go because people want to kill two birds with one stone. Yes I know it's not all about gifts, but it is potentially some of the collateral damage of having their wedding dates so close.

 

[cabanafrau]

Great point - I didn't even consider relatives that live out of state that would likely feel obligated to either attend both weddings or neither. Or they may attend the sister's wedding first, and give the son & OP's daughter their gift at that wedding which then takes some of the spotlight off the sister and the son & OP's daughter lose a wedding guest.

IMO it kind of stinks to force mom and potentially other loved ones into making a Sophie's Choice decision of who to pick if it boils down to a decision having to be made. It certainly shouldn't be that if you force people into picking one or the other and their selection isn't you, you don't get to pass judgment on them for the choice.

 

[Christine]

I was just thinking from the perspective that the sister will have to be cautious about her dates for her shower and bachelorette, and when she's at those events for her wedding, people will inevitably be asking OP's daughter about her plans, maybe giving her a gift if they can't make her shower, etc. Also financially - Aunt Mary might skip buying the expensive pot & pan set for the sister, since she knows she's got another bridal shower to go to a few weeks later.

It's like people who have a birthday around Christmas - they get the short end of the stick as far as special attention or gifts go because people want to kill two birds with one stone. Yes I know it's not all about gifts, but it is potentially some of the collateral damage of having their wedding dates so close.

Having a December 30th birthday, I totally get it!!!

I didn't even think about the things you mentioned and maybe the OP's daughter does not care about them (where *is* the OP????)

I'm still more hooked on the fact that, while the MIL probably didn't handle the situation well in how she responded, I kind of feel bad for her having to deal with two big *events* so close.

 

[cabanafrau]

I actually think it all works out well for the sister. There's nothing but possible a bridal shower that would impact the sister. I think the MIL will be fully involved in the sister's stuff. It's the second wedding that will get less attention from the mother and the guests. If the OP's daughter and fiance are okay with that, then it's all good. The only one feeling like she didn't get to fully enjoy both events will be the MIL of the groom of the second wedding.

I know as a mom if I had made a commitment to one daughter and the other popped up some time later announcing a wedding two months later and I couldn't back out on the first & couldn't put the pieces in place that quickly for the second and struggled to balance out my time to assist both in every way they needed me to pull their events together I would feel I was failing.

 

[mom2rtk]

I was hoping the OP would stop back by and say that her daughter and fiancé understand that resources might be more limited, that some family might not be able to attend both events, some sort of concession that comes with scheduling so close to an *already scheduled* big event like the sister's wedding.

That would really help me sympathize and see things from their side a little better.

 

[phorsenuf]

I kind of get where the MIL is coming from from a guests prospective. I live in Florida and flew up to NH in May to attend my niece's wedding that was taking place in MA. It was not cheap. Plane fare, hotel, rental car, wedding presents, new clothes, eating out, etc. It really adds up. I'm fortunate enough to bring my work with me, but not my husband so he didn't attend. In less then 2 weeks, I am doing it all again for my nephews wedding. This time my husband is attending so multiply the cost by 2. I'm not going to lie, it is a bit of a hardship, but missing the weddings are not an option, at least for me. If you are Italian (or Jewish) you know what I mean. And this wedding is taking place in Long Island too, so...

So between the outlay of thousands of dollars, plus using up vacation time, travelling, etc. I can understand what the MIL meant by financial considerations. She may not have necessarily been talking about just herself.

With all that said, it is up to the bride and groom and they should do what they want to do. If the guests feel it's not a hardship to attend both in such a short amount of time then that's great, but if they can only do one, then they will have to accept that and have no hard feelings that some guests attending the SIL's wedding but not theirs.

 

[wvjules]

That poor MIL. That is a lot to deal with in such a short period. I don't know why your DD and her Fi, and you, think it is out of line for her to want it moved a little further away from the already planned wedding. There is so much involved in weddings, as a MOB and MOG, plus throw in showers, out of town guests, or any quests for that matter. It is a lot in 2 months. As a mother, I'm surprised you don't see the MIL's side of things.

Why are your DD and Dfi stuck on Nov 2017? Is there a reason they can't/won't compromise?

And like a PP, I think the real issue is money and stress on her (I'm almost positive you're gonna come back and say that money is not an issue). Since that didn't help sway her son and your DD she is throwing everything at the wall hoping something will stick so the wedding will be moved.

ETA: If I was the future SIL I would be quite taken aback as well. It's not her "year" but her wedding was planned first. Why would your DD want to have one so close to hers? Seems selfish on your DD's part, IMO.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I kind of get where the MIL is coming from from a guests prospective. I live in Florida and flew up to NH in May to attend my niece's wedding that was taking place in MA. It was not cheap. Plane fare, hotel, rental car, wedding presents, new clothes, eating out, etc. It really adds up. I'm fortunate enough to bring my work with me, but not my husband so he didn't attend. In less then 2 weeks, I am doing it all again for my nephews wedding. This time my husband is attending so multiply the cost by 2. I'm not going to lie, it is a bit of a hardship, but missing the weddings are not an option, at least for me. If you are Italian (or Jewish) you know what I mean. And this wedding is taking place in Long Island too, so...

So between the outlay of thousands of dollars, plus using up vacation time, travelling, etc. I can understand what the MIL meant by financial considerations. She may not have necessarily been talking about just herself.

With all that said, it is up to the bride and groom and they should do what they want to do. If the guests feel it's not a hardship to attend both in such a short amount of time then that's great, but if they can only do one, then they will have to accept that and have no hard feelings that some guests attending the SIL's wedding but not theirs.

Or Hispanic. It's just not an option.

 

[nancygirl1]

I am the mother of 3 sons. Yes, a daughters wedding is at the top of the list of important occasions, but I would be devastated if any of my boys discounted my concerns and feelings about their wedding. If the OP's son & soon to be DIL treated my feelings as being so unimportant as they did hers then I would have something to say about it, too. My son's wedding day is just as important to me as any one's daughter's wedding day. I would want to focus all of my attention on each of my children's special day without worrying about the other one. Weddings are important to everyone in the family especially the mother's of these children. I'm not even taking into account finances. Emotionally it would be devastating to me.

 

[cabanafrau]

I am the mother of 3 sons. Yes, a daughters wedding is at the top of the list of important occasions, but I would be devastated if any of my boys discounted my concerns and feelings about their wedding. If the OP's son & soon to be DIL treated my feelings as being so unimportant as they did hers then I would have something to say about it, too. My son's wedding day is just as important to me as any one's daughter's wedding day. I would want to focus all of my attention on each of my children's special day without worrying about the other one. Weddings are important to everyone in the family especially the mother's of these children. I'm not even taking into account finances. Emotionally it would be devastating to me.

I don't think because you have sons you're relegated to bit player in their weddings anymore than I think my opinion should carry more weight because I only have daughters. I may not have sons, but I know with certainty their marriage would be just as important as their sister's if I did. I certainly hope there are no thoughts in OP's situation that it's less important that the groom's mother's wishes be taken into account than the mother of the bride. Ideally you're able to approach the balancing of the wedding preferences so as to suit the bride and groom, their families and loved ones the same way they will presumably do the rest of their lives.

 

[Wendy31]

A couple of people mentioned weddings close to high school graduations of a sibling. This time a year ago I wouldn't have really gotten that at all. Having just gone through it this year, though, I can see why it would be tough. Senior year is exhausting, expensive and emotional, and that's just high school. Then add in the beginning college piece that overlaps. So much to do and so many decisions to make. It's draining. I just lived it, with twins, and I'm wiped! I can't even imagine what it would've been like having to deal with a wedding as well. I think, as a pp said, that as parents, it's nice to be able savor each ceremony/rite of passage/celebration, fully, a little at a time. If it doesn't work out that way, well, fine, but one could probably expect that the stress factor would be increased and the enjoyment factor decreased for many. Some people can roll with it, which is great; and some people can't as easily, I guess. So individual.

Yes, now that I'm a mom, & our DD is nearing high school graduation, I really can't believe we scheduled our wedding for the month before my sister's high school graduation.

My mom handled it w/ grace & never really said anything at the time, but, like I said earlier, 21 years later, she'll still say things like, "I can't believe you did that to me!"

We got married in early April. My sister graduated from high school in late May.

In my defense, April was a special month for us - I just didn't pick it randomly. LOL! I actually wanted our wedding to be on 4/1, but mom did voice her objections on that & said we couldn't get married on April Fool's Day. So we "settled" for the following week.

Two weeks before we got married was my sister's senior trip to Colorado. My dad went w/ her class as an extra chaperone. The week after we got married was national competition in South Carolina (academics, speech, etc.), & my mom went w/ my sister.

4 years later my sister got married, & my mom was much more involved w/ the wedding planning. My parents funded most of our wedding, but the planning & preparations were mostly left up to DH & me. Now I understand a little bit better.

Anyway, regarding the OP's situation, I think a wedding, while it unites 2 people, it also brings 2 families together. And, as long as one family isn't irrational or crazy, consideration needs to be given to both families.

The bride & groom need to ultimately do what works best for them, but to only consider one family seems a bit selfish.

I know there are people here who hate their inlaws & come to these things "colored" by their own prior experiences. Still, as a mother of 2 boys, I don't like how there is so much disregard for the groom's family.

I love my sons as much as I love my daughter. I want to be involved in their weddings equally.

Again, I would ask the OP - How would you feel if the situations were reversed?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I am the mother of 3 sons. Yes, a daughters wedding is at the top of the list of important occasions, but I would be devastated if any of my boys discounted my concerns and feelings about their wedding. If the OP's son & soon to be DIL treated my feelings as being so unimportant as they did hers then I would have something to say about it, too. My son's wedding day is just as important to me as any one's daughter's wedding day. I would want to focus all of my attention on each of my children's special day without worrying about the other one. Weddings are important to everyone in the family especially the mother's of these children. I'm not even taking into account finances. Emotionally it would be devastating to me.

How would this make you feel?

They avoid speaking about the wedding around her at all. Fiancé says she can just be difficult, and she's always been that way, but he handles her. Yesterday they officially set the day and put down a deposit on the venue. She hasn't been told yet.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Seriously, the mother of the groom decline the invitation?

I always am shocked when the parents of the groom are always not considered. I have two sons. I love them as much as I love my daughter. and I was as happy for them when they planned their weddings. We helped both, with the same amount of money as we gave our DD towards her wedding day. I can assure you that if we told my sons that we would skip bridal showers or their very special day becasue we had already allocated the wedding funds to their sister, they might be hurt. I would be as well.



That is all well and good, but when you plan a wedding you need to consider those you want to attend and those you want to participate. If that does not matter to you, and if you are not expecting any monetary assistance, or will not worry if people choose to accept the commitment that was in place first, go for it. But I can almost guarantee you that this is not what the reality will be. Most people want their family to be there, they want their showers and their stags. They want the whole shebang. And if you have back to back weddings that does not happen.

When I joined message boards years ago, I was shocked at how wives don't consider their MIL's at all. I never see this in real life much. I hope my son never marries a woman like that.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Yes, now that I'm a mom, & our DD is nearing high school graduation, I really can't believe we scheduled our wedding for the month before my sister's high school graduation.

My mom handled it w/ grace & never really said anything at the time, but, like I said earlier, 21 years later, she'll still say things like, "I can't believe you did that to me!"

I think it's simply hard sometimes to appreciate other peoples' perspectives. I'm not even going to say it's just "young people" either, because, as I said a few posts back, before I went through it myself this year, I wouldn't have seen the big deal with senior year of high school or HS graduation, either! Now I know. This happens on a continuum in life; we're always learning and experiencing. I think there's nothing wrong with talking about things, considering others' viewpoints, if possible, and taking it from there.

Anyway, give your mom a big hug next time you see her!

BTW I would've given your first post here many more "Likes" if I could have.

 

[georgina]

I know as a mom if I had made a commitment to one daughter and the other popped up some time later announcing a wedding two months later and I couldn't back out on the first & couldn't put the pieces in place that quickly for the second and struggled to balance out my time to assist both in every way they needed me to pull their events together I would feel I was failing.

But we don't know what the situation with the OP is. Perhaps they don't feel as though they need the assistance of the parents to pull events together. I know my DD was very organized and didn't need much help from anyone. The groom's parents put on a rehearsal dinner and gave them advice on what hotel to reserve a room block in. I helped gather addresses for the invitations and with the place cards for the table.

But then I don't see what the big deal would be about getting married before a high school graduation either. There wasn't much to do for graduation, we went and sat in the bleachers.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

But we don't know what the situation with the OP is. Perhaps they don't feel as though they need the assistance of the parents to pull events together. I know my DD was very organized and didn't need much help from anyone. The groom's parents put on a rehearsal dinner and gave them advice on what hotel to reserve a room block in. I helped gather addresses for the invitations and with the place cards for the table.

But then I don't see what the big deal would be about getting married before a high school graduation either. There wasn't much to do for graduation, we went and sat in the bleachers.

College applications, college decisions, getting ready to move to a dorm if that's the case, expenses from senior trip, prom, class ring, etc. Senior year is a big year.