Dreaming about old boyfriend - very upsetting

[Embarrased]

I don't know why I'm posting this under a fake name, b/c it's not like I've done anything wrong, but I'm still embarassed about this so here goes!

I dated a guy for 4 years, we broke up in 1998. It was a mutual break up, and it's not like he's "the one that got away" or anything like that. Met my husband in 2001, and we've been married for 5 years. Old boyfriend is married also, has kids, etc. I haven't seen him in about 4 years, and since he lives in an another state, it's not likely that I'll ever run into him again.

Sooooo....here's the deal! For the past 2 months or so, I've been having constant dreams about the old boyfriend. Nothing sexual. The dream is pretty much always the same. We are cuddling on the couch, or in bed together, and he's telling me that he never stopped loving me, never stopped thinking about me, and that he's going to divorce his wife so he can marry me. Now in my dream, I never say that I'm leaving my husband, but I know I'm happy that he's leaving his wife for me.

I wake up, cuddling with my husband, realize that it's not the old boyfriend I'm cuddling with, and I feel like crap for having yet another dream about the old boyfriend.

I'm happily married to a wonderful man who is a million times better than the old boyfriend ever was. What do these dreams mean, and how can I get them to go away. I feel just horrible about it, and feel like I'm cheating on my DH. UGH.

Other TMI info (since I'm anonymous and all! LOL!!) is that DH and I don't have much of a sex life. We are intimate, cuddle and kiss all the time, but haven't had sex in months. I think it's partially b/c I've put on weight and am not feeling very attractive, and partially b/c we are too tired for sex most of the time. Other than that, we have the picture perfect marriage, so I don't even care that we don't have a sex life. If I was having sexual dreams, I would think it was b/c something was lacking in my real life, but since they aren't sexual, and are more about "love" etc, I'm totally confused.

If you've gotten this far, thanks!!! If you want to flame, go ahead, since you don't know who I am anyway!! LOL!!!

 

[Jennasis]

Sounds like the dream isn't about sex...it's about intimacy, which sounds like you are missing. However, know that dreaming about an ex is normal. You just need to address the feelings that are triggering these dreams (likely, you're need for a deeper intimacy with your DH).

FWIW, we're tired all the time too, AND DH just had surgery. Things are sloooooow here too...for now...

 

[Christine]

Well, some people believe that dreams mean NOTHING. I don't really think they mean all that much but the presence of dreams of a certain type can indicate something. For instance, I rarely dream of anything significant. Yet, when one of my dogs died traumatically, I had two or three different dreams with the dog. I was just so traumatized that I think there was a change in my dreams. The dog dream didn't have a message, it was just my constant thought about the dog.

In your case, this may not actually be about the ex-boyfriend specifically. The dream almost sounds like you are seeking his valuing you. While you don't like him anymore, you are happy that he loves you and would leave his family for you. The dream is helping your self-worth/self-esteem.

It could be, based on what you've stated about your weight and tiredness and lack of relations with your DH, that subconsciously you are needing a self-esteem pick-me-up!

 

[edandcolleen1995]

Honestly people put WAY too much stock in dreams, ghosts and stuff like that.

It was just a dream.. Has nothing to do with your sex life, your self esteem or anything like that.

Dont' worry about it.

 

[just4today]

The last paragraph you wrote is very telling. It seems to me that subconsciously you don't feel desirable to your husband so you're dreaming about a scenario where you're desirable to another man. And no matter what you say, not having sex for months indicates a problem that needs to be fixed. Once that is addressed, I bet the dreams will stop.

That last statement came off kind of harsh. What I meant to say is that within the relationship as described by the OP, not having sex for months seems to indicate an underlying problem with her self-esteem and not feeling attractive. I realize that many couple do go for months for a variety of reasons, including separation, medical problems, and other things.

 

[SaraJayne]

The last paragraph you wrote is very telling. It seems to me that subconsciously you don't feel desirable to your husband so you're dreaming about a scenario where you're desirable to another man. And no matter what you say, not having sex for months indicates a problem that needs to be fixed. Once that is addressed, I bet the dreams will stop.

I agree with this.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Other than that, we have the picture perfect marriage, so I don't even care that we don't have a sex life.

This is something that you need a wake up call on. You *SHOULD* care that you don't have a sex life. Men are not like women. Women are like camels, we can go far on little sex. Not men. Sex is how men communicate their love for a woman. It makes them closer to their girlfriends/wives. Its a very "ying/yang" concept. Don't let this issue go, it is imperative for your marriage.

 

[shirleyb]

This is something that you need a wake up call on. You *SHOULD* care that you don't have a sex life. Men are not like women. Women are like camels, we can go far on little sex. Not men. Sex is how men communicate their love for a woman. It makes them closer to their girlfriends/wives. Its a very "ying/yang" concept. Don't let this issue go, it is imperative for your marriage.

I agree. I can't imagine in a healthy marriage that you haven't had sex for months, and it's not driving at least one of you crazy.

 

[JessicaR]

In your case, this may not actually be about the ex-boyfriend specifically. The dream almost sounds like you are seeking his valuing you. While you don't like him anymore, you are happy that he loves you and would leave his family for you. The dream is helping your self-worth/self-esteem.
It could be, based on what you've stated about your weight and tiredness and lack of relations with your DH, that subconsciously you are needing a self-esteem pick-me-up!

The last paragraph you wrote is very telling. It seems to me that subconsciously you don't feel desirable to your husband so you're dreaming about a scenario where you're desirable to another man. And no matter what you say, not having sex for months indicates a problem that needs to be fixed. Once that is addressed, I bet the dreams will stop.

That last statement came off kind of harsh. What I meant to say is that within the relationship as described by the OP, not having sex for months seems to indicate an underlying problem with her self-esteem and not feeling attractive. I realize that many couple do go for months for a variety of reasons, including separation, medical problems, and other things.

I agree with both of you. Insightful posts.

Op- I'm sorry you are embarrassed but you shouldn't be. I don't think it has anything to do with your old boyfriend.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your sex life is not healthy and you have anxiety over it. You can claim that your marriage is picture perfect, but if you are not getting any it causes tension in the marriage. Which leads you to dream about intimacy with another man.

On the flipside, if your dh is not requesting sex from you, the brain goes into questioning and subconsciously you are wondering where his needs are being met.

Which would be a normal worry in a marriage where you are not having sex. You can try and argue that but it is a reality.

So get busy.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Your sex life is not healthy You can try and argue that but it is a reality.

I *used* to be the type of person to argue about this. I used to feel that if you had a lousy sex life but were communicating and being intimate, you were ok. I had to learn the hard way that for men, sex is the way they open up to you. It doesn't work this way for women. Men are totally different.

 

[just4today]

I don't know why I'm posting this under a fake name, b/c it's not like I've done anything wrong, but I'm still embarassed about this so here goes!

I dated a guy for 4 years, we broke up in 1998. It was a mutual break up, and it's not like he's "the one that got away" or anything like that. Met my husband in 2001, and we've been married for 5 years. Old boyfriend is married also, has kids, etc. I haven't seen him in about 4 years, and since he lives in an another state, it's not likely that I'll ever run into him again.

Sooooo....here's the deal! For the past 2 months or so, I've been having constant dreams about the old boyfriend. Nothing sexual. The dream is pretty much always the same. We are cuddling on the couch, or in bed together, and he's telling me that he never stopped loving me, never stopped thinking about me, and that he's going to divorce his wife so he can marry me. Now in my dream, I never say that I'm leaving my husband, but I know I'm happy that he's leaving his wife for me.

I wake up, cuddling with my husband, realize that it's not the old boyfriend I'm cuddling with, and I feel like crap for having yet another dream about the old boyfriend.

I'm happily married to a wonderful man who is a million times better than the old boyfriend ever was. What do these dreams mean, and how can I get them to go away. I feel just horrible about it, and feel like I'm cheating on my DH. UGH.

Other TMI info (since I'm anonymous and all! LOL!!) is that DH and I don't have much of a sex life. We are intimate, cuddle and kiss all the time, but haven't had sex in months. I think it's partially b/c I've put on weight and am not feeling very attractive, and partially b/c we are too tired for sex most of the time. Other than that, we have the picture perfect marriage, so I don't even care that we don't have a sex life. If I was having sexual dreams, I would think it was b/c something was lacking in my real life, but since they aren't sexual, and are more about "love" etc, I'm totally confused.

If you've gotten this far, thanks!!! If you want to flame, go ahead, since you don't know who I am anyway!! LOL!!!

Sorry. Forgot rule #1.

 

[DVCisME]

A dream about cuddling means that you need physical and/or emotional contact. The cuddling with you ex might just mean that you miss his presence in your life; that you miss a freer realationship; or that you are defensive about something.

From what you wrote, I think (for what it is worth) that you miss the physical contact from your husband in the form of sex and are not having sex because you are defensive about your weight.

The best way to lose weight is to get your body moving, so get busy! :8)

 

[FireDancer]

I think that things that are on your mind do manifest themselves in your dreams, sometimes in strange ways. I don't think dreams predict anything or that they have a lot of hidden meanings, but far too often my dreams reflect something going on in my life.

For example, during the Tour de France I had many dreams of being on he Tour. I know people though that have dreams where someone dies and they wake up and their day is ruined. While I remember my dreams I can have one in which everyone I know dies in a house fire but the second I wake up I realize it is a dream and it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

The fact that you feel so strongly about the dream I think is more telling than the dream itself. I am not one for analyzing other people's dreams, only you really know how they relate to you. Maybe there is something you don't like about yourself that wasn't a problem back then. Only you would really know.

I think there is something a bit worrisome about the last paragraph of your post. Not caring or being too tired sounds like a justification for some other problem. I have never been too tired, and if I were it would be one day, not a prolonged period. I know someone who ended up divorced because one spouse had body image issues and didn't want sex while the other did, even though they tried to be supportive and say they didn't. The fact you even posted that last part in relation to the dream would tell me that in your mind the two are at least a little bit related.

Bottom line is that we can give you our opinions all day but it might be best to talk to a professional out in the real world if you are worried by the dreams.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I don't think it's necessarily a big deal. The other day I had a dream about an old BF who broke my heart into a million pieces but I never thought it had anything to do with my DH. In my case I tend to think the dream has more to do with the thrills of youth and infatuation than it does disappointment real life because I know darn well how much I didn't/don't want a life with the old BF.

It could even just be unresolved hurt feelings playing out in a dream, did you hear a song or talk to someone that reminded you of him recently?

The only caution I see comes from your lack of a physical relationship with your DH. Your subconscious may be sending you warnings of similarities between the 2 relationships so maybe a little review there would be a good thing.

 

[Aisling]

I *used* to be the type of person to argue about this. I used to feel that if you had a lousy sex life but were communicating and being intimate, you were ok. I had to learn the hard way that for men, sex is the way they open up to you. It doesn't work this way for women. Men are totally different.

I'm not sure if this is true.
I've had a few girlfriends that stopped having sex with their husbands precisely because the men never opened up, and it damaged their sexual feelings for their husbands.

Also, on another point, I have a good sex life with my DH and I still dream about old boyfriends.

I say if the dreams are pleasant, then just enjoy them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm not sure if this is true.
I've had a few girlfriends that stopped having sex with their husbands precisely because the men never opened up, and it damaged their sexual feelings for their husbands.

Also, on another point, I have a good sex life with my DH and I still dream about old boyfriends.

I say if the dreams are pleasant, then just enjoy them.

You misunderstood the post of NYDf. She stated that not having sex damages the relationship.

 

[JessicaR]

I think its an issue that needs resolve due to the fact that it is the same constant dream for two months straight. I don't get the sense that the OP is comforted by the dream or that it is pleasant for her.

 

[Christine]

I don't think it's necessarily a big deal. The other day I had a dream about an old BF who broke my heart into a million pieces but I never thought it had anything to do with my DH. In my case I tend to think the dream has more to do with the thrills of youth and infatuation than it does disappointment real life because I know darn well how much I didn't/don't want a life with the old BF.

It could even just be unresolved hurt feelings playing out in a dream, did you hear a song or talk to someone that reminded you of him recently?

The only caution I see comes from your lack of a physical relationship with your DH. Your subconscious may be sending you warnings of similarities between the 2 relationships so maybe a little review there would be a good thing.

If this were a once or even two-time thing, I'd agree. But the OP states that this is a recurring dream over several weeks (months?). That's too much.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I'm not sure if this is true.
I've had a few girlfriends that stopped having sex with their husbands precisely because the men never opened up, and it damaged their sexual feelings for their husbands.

Yes, its a vicious cycle. If women withhold sex because they don't feel like it, the men will close up. When sex is had, the man opens up and gives the woman what she wants (the emotional connection, the open communication). The problem is the women (like I used to do) used to withhold sex because the man never opened up.