Dreaming about old boyfriend - very upsetting

[Embarrased]

Thanks so much for all of your thoughtful replies. I'm really touched that so many of you took the time to read and respond.

I think that you are right, that it has to do with my lowered self-esteem since putting on weight, and my lack of a sex life with my DH. I need to figure out how to work on both of these things.

Hoping and praying I can make these dreams STOP!

Thanks again everyone!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I'm not even gonna get into men need - women need conversation here.

I will just simply say that under any circumstances, a lack of physical intimacy (and yes, that includes sex) is NOT good, normal, or healthy.

I think you need to forget the dreams and address the situation in your marriage.

1. If you have gained weight (because of health, or because of letting yourself go) you need to get to the bottom of this issue and ask yourself WHY.

2. Why isn't your husband initiating sex... It sounds like you are also insinuating that your husband isn't wanting sex (perhaps because you are now undersirable to him?) Are you completely certain that he is not experiencing some physical issues in this area. It is more common than one might think. I am sure that there are millions of those little pills you see advertised on TV sold every single year. Many men would find this very hard to talk about/deal with. And, if this is a possible issue, then you should also talk with your husband about this.

If not, and you are continually refusing, then I can't tell you strongly enough, like others have mentioned, that you should NOT understimate the importance of a physical sexual relationship for men. If it is just 'you' truly not desiring sex, while your husband is ready, willing, and able, then you need to address this. I would tell you to make an appointment, today.

Honestly, I can't see a physically normal/capable man kissing and snuggling without wanting/needed the real deal.

I find it very interesting that in your dreams, this ex-boyfriend 'wants' you, but there is nothing sexual... he does not want sex. That says a lot.

Bottom Line, this is not just an issue with dreams.
This is not just an issue with 'you'.
This is an issue that involves both you and your husband.

Something tells me when you address these issue, you won't be bothered by these dreams any more!

 

[KAMKIM]

I think if you and DH are happy with your sex life there is not necessarily anything you need to fix there.

If you are happy in your dreams, enjoy them and keep them to yourself. I had a nice dream about Edward Cullen last night I dont care why.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhh, I see you posted while I was typing!!!!

Sorry to repeat the message that you have already been getting....

I think this will all work out!!!

 

[dismom2005]

Your sex life is not healthy and you have anxiety over it. You can claim that your marriage is picture perfect, but if you are not getting any it causes tension in the marriage. Which leads you to dream about intimacy with another man.

On the flipside, if your dh is not requesting sex from you, the brain goes into questioning and subconsciously you are wondering where his needs are being met.

Which would be a normal worry in a marriage where you are not having sex. You can try and argue that but it is a reality.

So get busy.

Agreed on all points. A marriage can't be picture perfect if there is no intimacy or sex. Take it from me who was in the same situation as you (gained a few lbs after having the kids, too busy with work and the kids, DH started an Emotional office affair a few months ago which turned physical that has ruined my picture perfect marriage).

 

[shortbun]

It's about you and your husband-not about the old boyfriend. That's the way dreams are sometimes. Find time and a 'way' that you can enjoy having more intimacy with your husband-that's what you are dreaming about. No guilt necessary. Go away for a weekend and do nothing but nurture your marriage. We ALL need it once in a while!!!

 

[AlienBrain]

Step 1: Don't tell your husband.

Step 2: Listen to what everone else has been posting. There is a wealth of great advice in there.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

The last paragraph you wrote is very telling. It seems to me that subconsciously you don't feel desirable to your husband so you're dreaming about a scenario where you're desirable to another man. And no matter what you say, not having sex for months indicates a problem that needs to be fixed. Once that is addressed, I bet the dreams will stop.

I agree.

This is something that you need a wake up call on. You *SHOULD* care that you don't have a sex life. Men are not like women. Women are like camels, we can go far on little sex. Not men. Sex is how men communicate their love for a woman. It makes them closer to their girlfriends/wives. Its a very "ying/yang" concept. Don't let this issue go, it is imperative for your marriage.

Apparently I'm a man then because I think I would die if I had to go to long.

Good luck OP!

 

[DMickey28]

Embarassed - I could have written this completely. Down to the letter ...

We both need to work on opening up to our DH's and letting them in via sex. I know that DH and I work so much better as a couple when we have more intimacy but it's hard to get over that initial hump (no pun intended) to start making it a priority in our life.

Your DH LOVES you for you ... once you put yourself out there for him you will start to feel better for yourself. Do not think that you NEED to lose weight first to get this situatino to turn around. He loves you, curves and all. He will be floored and even further in love if you make a move on him tonight or tomorrow or whatever. Do not wait, do not make excuses to prolong what you need to do with DH. I am overweight as well and now PG, but DH loves me for me. He would probably die if I made a move toward him. It's been 10 weeks for us. Part of it is circumstances in our life right now, we only see each other one night a week and it's not in our own house, and I was on pelvic rest for the beginning of this pregnancy.

Just know you are not alone at all ....

 

[Aisling]

I *used* to be the type of person to argue about this. I used to feel that if you had a lousy sex life but were communicating and being intimate, you were ok. I had to learn the hard way that for men, sex is the way they open up to you. It doesn't work this way for women. Men are totally different.

You misunderstood the post of NYDf. She stated that not having sex damages the relationship.

My mistake.

I thought the bolded part meant that men use sex to communicate. The girlfriends I mentioned were turned off to sex with their husbands because they didn't communicate by opening up and talking. It was just sex, and that's what damaged their relationships.

 

[Dis-appointed]

I'm going to join the chorus in telling you that getting your sex life back on track is absolutely imperative. At my house, DH's job was cut, he became depressed, the antidepressant had sexual side effects . . . I also had gained weight and didn't feel sexy or attractive, was working all the time, doing everything at home, and trying to keep his sprits up. The last thing on my mind was sex, plus I wasn't sure DH was really interested either. We've been married a long time and I thought this was just one of the ebs and flows of a long relationship. Turns out I was wrong. DH was looking elsewhere and contemplating leaving me. Fortunately, I discovered what was going on before it went very far. We're now working on putting things back together. I'm optimistic, but I'm also scarred by this experience and have lost my sense of security. I'd give anything to have not gone through it.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I'm going to join the chorus in telling you that getting your sex life back on track is absolutely imperative. At my house, DH's job was cut, he became depressed, the antidepressant had sexual side effects . . . I also had gained weight and didn't feel sexy or attractive, was working all the time, doing everything at home, and trying to keep his sprits up. The last thing on my mind was sex, plus I wasn't sure DH was really interested either. We've been married a long time and I thought this was just one of the ebs and flows of a long relationship. Turns out I was wrong. DH was looking elsewhere and contemplating leaving me. Fortunately, I discovered what was going on before it went very far. We're now working on putting things back together. I'm optimistic, but I'm also scarred by this experience and have lost my sense of security. I'd give anything to have not gone through it.

I'll echo this as well - except my story didn't have quite the happy ending. He did go somewhere else and we are now no longer together. I thought it was just the normal ebbs and lows of life / relationships (becuase in all other respects, we were "fine") but that wasn't the real case...

And I had gained weight over the past 2 years (maybe 15 pounds - putting me at 145-150, 5'5...so not terribly overweight here), and even though I tried to initiate intimacy, he wouldn't come near me...

We had been together for 7 years at this point...

Do whatever you can to fix it now.

 

[NY Disney fan]

The last thing on my mind was sex, plus I wasn't sure DH was really interested either. We've been married a long time and I thought this was just one of the ebs and flows of a long relationship. Turns out I was wrong. DH was looking elsewhere and contemplating leaving me.

Ditto for me too, except I didn't get a chance to fix my marriage as he left me. I'm going to have to live with that my whole life. I never got a chance to right the wrongs of my marriage. By not having sex I played Russian Roulette and lost.

 

[Aisling]

Ditto for me too, except I didn't get a chance to fix my marriage as he left me. I'm going to have to live with that my whole life. I never got a chance to right the wrongs of my marriage. By not having sex I played Russian Roulette and lost.

I agree with you. But I'm wondering, maybe the OP's dream has nothing to do with her not having sex with her husband. I guess the point everyone's making is that whether is has to do with the dream or not, the sexual relationship has to be fixed in the marriage.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I agree with you. But I'm wondering, maybe the OP's dream has nothing to do with her not having sex with her husband. I guess the point everyone's making is that whether is has to do with the dream or not, the sexual relationship has to be fixed in the marriage.

The problem is that the OP said that is "ok" for her not to have a sex life and that she doesn't mind. That's dangerous thinking.

 

[mickaholic4077]

Sounds like the dream isn't about sex...it's about intimacy, which sounds like you are missing. However, know that dreaming about an ex is normal. You just need to address the feelings that are triggering these dreams (likely, you're need for a deeper intimacy with your DH).

FWIW, we're tired all the time too, AND DH just had surgery. Things are sloooooow here too...for now...

So there won't be another picture of another little baby dressed in cammies posted here any time soon?

 

[Katy Belle]

Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Get it, and read it, twice. The first time you read it you will be defensive and think "Yeah, BUT....." Try to keep an open mind and think about it for a few days, then read it again. She makes a lot of good points. I think it could help you.

As for not having sex with your husband...I have a friend who says, "If he's not having sex with you, he's having sex with someone. " Of course that is NOT true in every instance. You know its a problem or you wouldn't have mentioned it. Its fixable, fix it.

Good luck to you. It took courage to come here.

Katy

 

[Colleen27]

You don't say if you have kids? I think that for moms, especially moms who describe themselves as having put on weight and too tired for sex, fantasizing about a previous boyfriend is often just a fantasy about the way romance and life in general were before kids and a house and bills and sports and scouts and all the other little stresses of having a family.

 

[Embarrased]

Just wanted to say thanks again, and let you all know that I'm still reading your kind responses.

I guess it's a wake up call that I need to do something to improve our sex life. He really is an amazing husband, so I just need to make sure he knows how much I love him.

Thanks again everyone!

P.S. A special thanks to those out there who let me know that I'm not alone in this. Yeah, the weight gain came after having children, and as a result of emotional eating after a personal tragedy. In my warped mind I think I'm doing DH a favor by not making him have sex with me since I'm so fat. I know he loves me more than anything though, and I need to show him that I love him too.

 

[Dis-appointed]

I thought I was doing my DH a favor, too. I thought I was the only one of us who was interested in sex.