Does marriage counseling work? I'm desperate

[Microcell]

I did not mean to get this off track. Please PM me if you have to vent about my post, but lets get this woman the support she needs. I suspected people would react this way. I just get so mad when people say they fell out of love as an excuse for divorce.

 

[pajamommy]

Yes, sorry Sugarbaby, if we've hijacked your thread here. Hope the DB site continues to help you, it sounds like you are doing everything right, and from what you just told us, it does sound hopeful! Keep us posted and hang in there!

 

[Serena]

Sugar, as I've already told you, the dis is a wonderful place to get support, advice and opinions. Some you will agree with, some you won't, but it is all helpful.

Also, remember to p/m me any time.

You are going through so much right now. Try to make sure you eat and sleep, or you will never be able to think straight. And you need your wits about you to deal with this.
Your children need you to take care of yourself, even if you don't feel like it.

I should have gotten help much sooner than I did. Don't wait thinking you can handle it, or expecting yourself to handle it.

 

[Microcell]

Sugarbaby- I did not mean to hijack. I guess my knee jerk reaction is a result of residual feelings popping up from my childhood. You know your husband best and all I meant was to remind him of your joint commitment to your family. My husband is my best friend and we remind each other often that we want the best for our family. I really think it helps us stay on track in good and bad times. Our kids are our lives and we do have to remind each other that we are on the same page. If he is depressed you may need to get counseling to figure out how to deal with his moods. It is probably easier for him to consider throwing in the towel than to face an uphill battle. I hope he can see his way clear to realizing that the fight is worth it. I really wish you all the best.

 

[Serena]

Microcell, you did nothing wrong. Your opinion is very valid. Sometimes remembering the commitment is all it takes to keep a marriage together and eventually they fall back in love.
Sometimes, it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I also believe that a couple has to try their best to make it work. In my case, I was the only one willing to try.

I will say that in most cases, when a man wants to leave, it's because he's got somewhere else to go.

 

[wilderness01]

I am sorry for what you are going through.

 

[believe]

My parents always said that as soon as the last child was out of the house they were getting a divorce. It never happened. Once we were out they were able to focus back on their marriage and were happily married...again. You can fall back into love with someone, it just doesn't happen for everyone...it take a true commitment to try. Praying for you to have continued strength through this time and for you to make it through whatever the outcome may be.

 

[MickeysMommy]

So sorry for what you are going through. I know some of what you are going through. Marriage counseling does work if both parties want it to work. It didn't work for me and my ex-husband because by the time we went to counseling it was just too late and I wanted out. (Different circumstances though and no kids). That being said, I agree with Hagred though where forcing someone to stay because they "should" is definitely NOT the answer. Children are not stupid and if they see no love, they know there is no love. My heart goes out to you and if you need to talk I am here

 

[lindamg]

I'd like to politely disagree with the posters who are pointing out that in situations like this there is often another woman involved. On the whole, that statement is probably true, but in this case I thing there's a good chance it's not.

I live with a man who was finally diagnosed with severe depression for most of his adult life. It took him into his 40s, and several stays in rehab, and an almost final stay in ICU before someone finally diagnosed the problem. Like many suffering from depression he spent much of his life self-medicating with alcohol, which led to a years-long battle with alcoholism. Thankfully, he has been medicated (and sober) for three years now and he is truly a different man, living a different life. Some of the things the OP has said remind me strongly of my husband in his pre-medication days.

Sugarbaby - I am glad to hear he is going to a doctor. If there is any possibility that you can lift your focus off the topic of divorce and the marriage for now, and focus on his getting diagnosed and possibly finding a solution, that would be my suggestion for now. Yes, your marriage needs work, and I think you getting couseling is a wonderful idea. (Been there, did that, it helped me understand a lot of things about the situation) but there is the hopeful possibility that his getting medical help will make dealing with your other problems easier. If you have the time and the space to just allow him to get well first, that may be your best path. I know how hard it is to put aside the relationship problems and give him the time he needs, but if he is making a true effort to get help, he deserves the time to do that, and you deserve the chance that you will be dealing with him at his best, not his worst, when you start to look at your marriage. Waiting is HARD - I know, I waited 5 years. Fortunately we were not yet married and it was easier for me to step back when things got to a really bad point. But once he was properly diagnosed all the waiting became worthwhile. It is truly amazing what today's medication can do for some people, when used under the proper conditions.

I wish you luck. It's not an easy path, but there is hope.

Linda

 

[septbride2002]

men dont like counceling, but you hang in there

I think men don't like to admitt that they might need help. My Mom went to counseling 8 years ago for her marriage. She asked my Dad to go and he said, "Your the one who needs counseling I'm happy with the way things are." So she went and went and went. She finally came to my Dad and said, "I'm not happy with the way things are and I want out." My Dad suggested counseling for both of them and she said No. She had been going for 5 years and she was done. My Dad looking back wonders if he had gone when she first asked if they would still be together - but now he will never know.

A marriage is 50/50 and if you are still wanting to be a part of this marriage then you should try counseling together. Ask your DH for 6 solid months of marriage counseling before you make any decisions, especially for your daughters sake. At the end of the 6 months evaluate where you are and move on from that point.

~Amanda

 

[Sugarbaby]

I am just overwhelmed with all the support I have found on this board! I have lurked for years,and only recently began to post. This was my first thread starter and I didn't expect any response. But you guys are all so great! I appreciate all the different opinions. I think it always helps to get someone else's perspective on things. Sometimes you are too close to things and can't step back and look at things logically. Today,I feel much better. Got some sleep,ate a little. Able to look at things without the overwhelming emotion. I'm going to try to be proactive instead of reactive as I usually am. I have thought about how it was for my DH to drive 9 hours,get here at 6PM,and then leave at 10AM the next day.(He had to attend an official funeral today and so had to go back)If he didn't care,he wouldn't have done that. He also said before he left that he didn't want to even think about proceeding with anything to do with a divorce right now. That he had many issues with himself to take care of and that he thinks it's possible that they may be making him feel this way about us. He called me three times on the way home and first thing this morning. I agree lindamg-I will let him take care of himself and take all the time he needs. He is so worth waiting for! To all who have pm'd me, I thank you. Every one here is so supportive,and I hope that sometime I will be able to offer support to someone else. I'm going back to work tomorrow,so that will sure keep my mind off this. Yeah,I feel pretty good today!!!

 

[Hagred]

I'm so very glad to hear that, Sugarbaby. Just hang in there and stick to your plan. It sounds like a good one!

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

Good luck to you. It sounds like your husband may realize that it is more than the marriage that is making him feel this way. I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my thoughts.

 

[faithinkarma]

today's post sounded so much better. I am glad you are getting a handle on things. Hang in there, you seem to be doing the absolute best thing. Good luck.

 

[calypso*a*go-go]

Gray skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face ...

 

[Serena]

Sugar, I am so happy with how you sound today, and on how you say he is acting. It really sounds hopeful. That is such a wonderful thing.
I wouldn't give up on him yet either. He's recognized a problem and hes getting help. I'll say it again, that is so hopeful.
Hang in there, your marriage aint' over yet.

 

[chell]

Thanks for the update! I've been thinking about you a lot today wondering how you were.