Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[totalia]

Staying together for the kids is a bad bad idea. My parents did that for at least a decade. We were all miserable and it was only when they split (we were in our late teens) that we finally started feeling better.

It was a miserable life and both of us (my sister and I) knew how miserable my parents were. It was not a happy home. I wish they had split earlier.

 

[bsnyder]

Great posts! A lot of insight. I especially agree with Buckalew that your happiness is up to you. That's the major thing I learned from the trying times I went through as a result of my divorce. My decision forced me on a journey of personal growth. As I said, I am happily remarried, but I think it could have easily ended in another failure if I hadn't learned that it's up to me, not anyone else, to feel happy and content, with my life and with my partner.

 

[HappyMommy2]

I am so sorry.

My gut feeling after I read your post was that if you are planning to stick around anyway, you could try really working on the marriage for a while, even if you don't feel like it, and just see if it makes a difference. It wouldn't hurt anything and could really help. Have you ever read the book "The Five Love Languages"? It gives a lot of examples of marriages that sound like what you described, and offers some ideas that might help. At the very least, it might help you see where your DH is coming from, so you can make a better-informed decision on how to proceed with your life.

I'm glad you posted here. I will be thinking of you.

 

[disykat]

I love the book "The Five Love Languages" - it really helped me understand my husband and friends. I also liked the book "Divorce Busters". It talks a lot about changing yourself and your attitudes as a way to find happiness - much like people here have spoken about.

 

[Kristi1357]

Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side. Please make every attempt to save your marriage!

I've BTDT. But in my situation the divorce was neccessary (IMO) since ex was cheating. Outside of abuse and/or cheating, I would have worked my hardest to save that marriage. Before filing for divorce we went to counseling weekly for 6 months. I was open and honest. He was not, to put it mildly. Once I had proof he was cheating, that was it for me. At least I had confirmation from our counselor that I was doing most things right in our relationship. He was simply not willing to try, at all. In my case, kicking his behind out was for the very best - I have been remarried for 5+ years and am happier than I ever was with my ex.

Lots of

 

[HisEllyNelly]

Well been there and didnt do that, although I tried. My ex and I married very young. I realised early in the marriage that something wasnt right, but was very against divorce and was determined to make it work for my kids. By fall of 2003 I was shutting down emotionally. I was so unhappy and I realised I was making everyone around me unhappy.
I spoke with my best friend whose parents divorced when she graduated high school and I asked her how she felt about her parents staying together for her sake. She said she felt responsible for years of her parents unhappiness and that the life she lived as she was growing up felt like an "act" a "put on". She said she would have much rather had her parents apart and happy than together and miserable for her sake.

All I can say is, if you are going to stay for the sake of the children, go to counseling and try to find a way to be happy. We did try counseling but we had just let it go for too long for it to help.

Good luck. Whatever your decision, its going to be hard work.

 

[HereIAm]

OP, I can so identify with your feelings. I am in such a similar situation and I am so miserable.
I keep telling my husband that I want out--I have for years. For a long,gong time, ours has been a marriage in "name only". He tells me that deep down I want to make it work. Ha! Just goes to show how little he really knows me.
He says that because I've been such a patsy over the years--he's gotten away with so much and I keep doing the "forgive and forget" routine, but, I'm tired of burying my feelings for the sake of this marriage. It's no longer worth it to me.
I am finally at a point where I feel I need to make me happy--and staying here is not going to do it. I am tired of being miserable and trying to hide it. I am tired of being married and lonely.
I don't think counseling is always the way to go and in this case, it isn't. There are too many differences and too much anger and I am tired of fighting to make it work anymore. I am just so tired.....

No advice--jiust wanted to let you know you're not the only one. I dream of the day I can walk away.

 

[s&k'smom]

I send you lots of PD and I will go back and read the rest of the threads but I wanted to add two things. My sister tried to stick it out with a cheater. And her oldest son said to her one day mom, you should marry someone who's nicer to you. The kids know something is going on, they may not want to but they do. I remember my mother telling me after a really bad fight with my dad they when my youngest sister was 18 they would get a divorce. To me that said they were putting all the responsibility on her. What guilt she would have felt if she thought she was the reason they stayed together. IMHO that is how your kids would feel.

Am I in love with my husband after almost 15 years of marriage, yes. It has gone from the can't keep our hands off each other to a deep, rich love. Really, Really examine your feelings and I would see a counselor or therapist even if your husband does not go. Good luck and take care.

 

[believe]

I was a child whose parents said they would divorce once all the kids were out of the house. Fortunately, once we were all out it got better for them and they remained married until my Mom passed away last year. I don't believe either had regrets about staying married.

I think it is important to talk to your DH about things that bother you. If he is wanting to work things out, he will try. Also, be realistic...marriage isn't a Cinderella story. DH and I rarely laugh at the same time, he has a different sense of humor than I do. We also have different hobbies, but try to enjoy them with each other. I even agreed to golf once with him, which I am sure we will have to do this year. Do I want to golf? NO WAY! Will it kill me to golf, no. I pick my battles with DH. We don't agree on the discipline for our girls, but I have voiced my concerns (when they are out of the room) and he has listened. I would not divorce DH as long as he is loyal to our marriage, not an alcholic or an abuser (physical or emotional). I made the decision to marry him and will do everything in my power to make it work and to be happy in my marriage.

I have found that true happiness can only be achieved if you don't make it dependent on someone else providing that happiness. You need to look within yourself for that happiness.

 

[Sherrypooh]

Skipping to the botton, not reading post past page 1. This could have been written by me, with the exception that we did divorce. When he moved out, we (kids and I) actually moved his stuff with him. We went grocery shopping so "dad would be okay". It has been 3 years now, and he and I have grown to care more for each other then we did when we were married. We both have had other people in our lives, yet we still function better than when we lived together. Could we have made it? Im not sure and it is too late to tell. Just be sure.. once it is done, it is hard to go back. Take care and best wishes.

 

[snoopy]

I'm fortunate in that I'm still crazy about my DH, and he appears to feel the same way about me. Although without question we do not have the same passion we had when we were teenagers, fortunately, it still exists, only in a more grown-up way.

Having said that, unless the situation was dire (as in abusive in some way), we're in it for the long haul. We made that vow when we had children. I believe very strongly that children should be brought up with a mother and a father, living in the home together, if at all possible. Growing apart or lack of common interests would not be grounds for divorce in our situation as long as children are living in the house.

 

[ericamanda01]

I have only been married a very short while so all I can offer is support. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I can say that if we are unhappy we work it out, no exceptions. After 20 years of togetherness we just lay it on the line. No games anymore. No "bargaining" like when we first got together.

Can you talk to him and say, hey I'm unhappy let's work on our marriage?

 

[simpilotswife]

The problem for many people in your situation is a lack of passion. People expect love to be romantic and passionate. When it isn't they think "I must not be in love anymore". What they don't stop to realize is that love is just like anything else in life. It changes as it matures. Think back to when you were 20. Are you the same person you were then? Of course not. That goes for your emotions as well.

I agree with the advice given to you that you should work to rekindle the romance. That would certainly help you to recapture those tingly feelings that you once had for this man. Just as you must exercise your body in order to be able to maintain muscle tone so too must you exercise your romantic feelings of love in order to maintain them, otherwise they become "flabby" with disuse.

When I was much younger I dated a man that had just gotten a divorce. One of the things that he said really kind of speaks to how men are and has stayed with me. He said that he had no idea that his wife was not happy. He himself had been very content in the marriage and was surprised when she said she wanted a divorce.

If you were to ask your husband you would probably find out that he loves you very much. He just doesn't realize that you are not hearing it. Sometimes men think that just being with their wives and being a good husband says it all.

Good Luck.

 

[dawn2]

I feel much the same way except I doubt I will seek a divorce when the children are grown. By the time my kids are grown, I will be in my fifties and I have no desire to be on my own starting over at that age. I've resigned myself to the fact that love, romance, and passion will never be a part of my life. Instead, we have a good life, DH is kind to me and the kids, and he is a good provider. We get along okay but I have absolutely no romantic feelings for him and to be honest, I never have. But - I made my bed and now I must lie in it. I do feel sad sometimes and long for a 'normal' marriage but then I think how lucky I am to have my children and how many women are so much worse off. I really think it is the lucky few who find true love - and I'm not meant to be one of them

 

[caitycaity]

Marriage isn't easy. there are highs and lows. You loved him once right. Maybe a counselor would help you sort it out. My parents divorced when I was in High school. It was a good decision for them. Maybe it's a good decision for you maybe it's just a rough spot. You should look for someone to talk to, to help you sort it out.

the honeymoon doesn't last forever. good luck!

i also agree that you won't be saving your kids much heartbreak by waiting until they are older. obviously if you need a divorce, you need a divorce, but i don't think it will be any less devestating to your kids. i'm 27 and my parents were goingh through a rough spot awhile back and it was very upsetting to me. my mom said she didn't understand why, i mean, we only see each other a few times a year. i said, you are still my parents!

in marriage, i think communication is the key. there have been things that dh and i needed to work through, but i know we both love each other and if either one of us is unhappy in the relationship, i really think it's important to hash that out together. assuming you each loved each other at one point, i really think counselling could help.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I don't feel the way you do but I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You must feel very lonely. I'm glad you were able to post on these boards. It seems like you are a very good mother and are mostly concerned about your children. Do you think you could go to counselling by yourself? It doesn't have to be able ending or staying with the marriage it might just make you feel better about your life and how to be a little bit happier. I hope things work out for you. Please know that people do care.

 

[poohandwendy]

When I was much younger I dated a man that had just gotten a divorce. One of the things that he said really kind of speaks to how men are and has stayed with me. He said that he had no idea that his wife was not happy. He himself had been very content in the marriage and was surprised when she said she wanted a divorce.

That is so true. No to rip on you guys out there, but many men believe all is great unless you are literally saying otherwise. If you are just coasting along, he may think you are perfectly content. Most men, IMHO, need a very direct approach when it comes to emotional issues. They just do not spend the time women do pondering the state of their marriage or emotional happiness. And ya know, they really could make a good case that we women spend far too much time thinking about it.

 

[beattyfamily]

I'm so sorry you feel this way but I'm also glad you can vent here and get different opinions and experiences and see that some are in the same boat as you are.

Here's my take on it all FWIW...

I think marriage is very hard work and it's non-stop work. I think marriage is for life unless there's abuse or major cheating going on. I think that it's all passion and romance in the beginning but then it changes as you get older; it matures into a different kind of love. I think you do become more like friends "with benefits" later on. I believe if you don't work at it you can and will get into a rut, start taking each other for granted and then you start to get bored. If that happens, work at it by planning dates, go to counceling, and talk talk talk. Lay it all out on the line instead of keeping your feelings inside. Tell you spouse how you are feeling.

Instead of giving up, work on it together because I think that if you fell "in love" in the beginning and there's been no major marital issues, then you have a good chance of getting that love and appreciation back.

Try talking and counseling instead of just accepting this life you're now in. IMHO.

 

[disneyworld!]

Well, It does sound like lack of communication in the marriage to start with. I agree with trying to save the marriage....but you both need to "talk" abou thte issues first, before you can even begin to start to do that! Sounds like you do not talk at all.

I was in a marriage with an addict. It sometimes is lonelyer in a bad marriage then if you were single. and also the kids are gonna sence this. mine did. and I found this out last year..(12 years later)

so if you want to save the marriage...everything has got to change...now!
If you keep things the way they are...you are going to start to hate him and he is going to hate you...It will not stay the same way. I do know this...been there. Sorry I am not sugar coating this for you. but you have an issue and it needs help now!

you need to sit down with him and talk....that is the main thing!! and start from there...tell him what you want, ask him what he wants...
and of course what is best for the kids...
best wishes,,