Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[Buckalew11]

In the past couple of years, I have gotten involved at our local college. I have met quite a few college freshman. I am amazed when getting to know these kids how many of them have told me that their parents are newly divorced--they waited until they or possibly their older siblings went to college to divorce. I haven't met a student yet who wasn't hurt very deeply by what happened between their parents. Maybe sometimes it is for the best, but don't think it won't hurt them less because they are older. College age is a time of transition and when you leave home and then there is *no* home to go hme to, it can be devastating.

And one more thing. Early on in my marriage I decided to leave. (No kids yet though) I was really over it and wasn't sure it was a good thing for me from the start. But when I confronted my DH, he wanted to try harder and even though my mind was made up and I was ready to leave, I decided to stay and try to work things out. It wasn't something I half heartedly did, either. It was all, I gave it my all. And honestly, after 17years, I love him more now that I ever have and know that even though marriage is like a roller coaster ride, I am happy I stayed and put my heart and soul into saving my marriage.

Good luck to you.

 

[marybet]

I have BTDT, I stayed married for 20 years. Most people thought we were the perfect couple. We stayed married for the boys, he was a good father and we didn't fight much, but something was always missing. I thought I could make it until the kids got out of high school but we divorced when the youngest was a senior. He had a hard time and so did I. It was what I wanted but it was difficult starting over, I went back to college at 40. I am now remarried and very happpy, although I looked for 9 years to find the right one. If I had it to do over I might have gotten divorced sooner but I would have planned better for my life after the divorce. My ex always said he would take care of me, but he didn't and money was always tight. And even if I hadn't found my DH the divorce was still the best thing, cause there are far worse things then being alone.

 

[mamamia]

I agree with everyone who says to try and save your marriage, but how do you do that?

In my case, I try to watch the shows he likes (like Star Trek, Andromeda, Smallville) and he has just started watching some of my shows. But during my shows he makes all these little comments about the show. Now to me t.v. is just a distraction from real life, but he takes t.v. more serious. When he's playing a game on the computer I go in to where he is and see how he's doing. We actually do go away every other year or so for the weekend for our anniversary. This past August we went to Atlantic City for a few days and I thought it would be nice to eat at a nicer restaurant one night; he complained about how much it cost (and it was only a few dollars more than we normally would have spent on a meal). We also take a family trip each year.

Right now I literally have no feelings of any kind for him (good or bad). There is one day out of the week that I go and give my mom a break from caring for my 90 year old grandmother for 3 hours from 6:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. Because my house is right around the corner from my mom's he will pick the kids up on his way home from work (which is usually about 8:00) on that night. Well within minutes of him picking them up, the phone is ringing and its one kid or another crying or asking me a question that he could have dealt with but he refused to. All that he has to do on those nights is to have them double check the backpacks for the next day, brush their teeth, get on their pj's and get them into bed at 9:00. When I get home 2 out of the 3 are still up all the time.

The reason I think its better for my kids that we don't get a divorce is that if we did get a divorce they would actually be with him more (I figured every other weekend and one weeknight or so) and I wouldn't be there to protect them from the things he says to them and to run interference for them. I also know that my family would be devestated. My parents and grandmother think he is just wonderful and they would think that I was being ridiculous (sp?). I also think that if I actually did go through with it, it would devestate him.

Seriously if any one has any suggestions, I would love to hear them. Thanks!

 

[DMickey28]

YOu are the only one that knows your true feelings.

I don't have kids but being a kid not too long ago and seeing my parents marriage... I would not wait until they are older. My parents have a solid marriage that I base mine on. If I found out it was fake and they were "putting on a show" for me it would make it devestate me, my life and what I feel about marriage and love. It would "wreck" my marriage as well. I feel that if you have enough love for your kids to want to stick out the marriage for the kids, you have more than enough love and respect for the kids to make the divorce amicable for them as well as the two of you. Even though you have children, you should not have to force yourself to be miserable because in the long run it will have a negative effect on them.

I am not, however, giving you a free pass to get out of your marriage. Have you been to counseling? Have you talked with anyone about these feelings? what ideas do you have that marriage should be? What do you feel you are missing?

I read a lot of books and I watch a lot of movie. I have been reading romance novels since I was a little girl and I feel like I have a warped sense of passion, love and marriage. I used to think that my DH needed to be like the men in the romance novels, sweeping me off my feet. As I have grown, I have looked to my parents for guidance and have seen that love is not passion and romance 24/7... that usually dies away eventually. DH and I share deep beliefs for values, morals and ideals for our life together. Those reasons are why we were married. We do laugh together, we do have fun together, but more often than not he is playing XBox and I am on here. We always have dinner together and go out on the weekends. I know he will be a great dad. While his housekeeping skills need a little work, he is a great furdaddy to our puppy.... it's a good sign in my book!!! He can't wait to be a father and though he didn't have one growing up and will need help and guidance, his heart is in the right place. I don't look at him and want to tear him to the floor.... I feel passion for him in my heart because he loves me and choose me.... it's not physical it's based on everything we share and the committment we made to each other... I guess what it comes down to is that I often wonder if I settled too. Should there be more passion and fire? Is there someone out there that will do the romantic things I so desire? Maybe But the truth is I married him and I love him... our passion is sweet and tender when we make time for it....life has a talent for getting in the way of that too often. Someone will probably do the romantic things, but what will I sacrafice. The grass is certainly always greener....

Wow, I went off on a tangent.. Sorry.

Hugs, and I hope that things work out best for. Please do not sacrafice yourself and your DH....

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

Just wanted to say that I'm glad you posted here, and hope you can feel that people here care for you and what you are going through. You must feel very lonely. Hope you can find your way to a solution that works well for you.

 

[sunkissed212]

I'm not married so I don't know how "qualified" I am to answer but I was engaged to be married last year. My high school sweetheart...or so I thought. We broke up in november 03 and in retrospect I was unhappy long before that...and he's the one that broke up with me and called off the wedding! I was going to go through with it all!! I kept telling myself I was happy but I can remember crying way too much and actually thinking to myself that it wasn't what I wanted.

My parents were married for 37 years and got divorced last year. During a heated fight with him, my dad told me that he was "sticking it out until my wedding is over and then I'm gone" ... those were his words. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I didn't want him to "stick it out until mly wedding was over". He was miserable, my mom was miserable...why bother!

I agree with everyone that is saying to work on your marriage. I think that something as sacred as that is worth at least trying to save. Counseling, etc...is at least worth a try. But, if it doesn't work and you and your husband decide that you aren't in love anymore and that you aren't happy together. I think you should split up. I think that it's worse "making the kids believe" that everyhting is okay.

I was 25 when my parents got divorced and when he told me he was "sticking it out" I felt like he had been deceiving my whole family for so long...I think it hurt me more than if they would have split up long before that. They were living a lie...for us kids...not fair to anyone.

JMHO...I really do hope everything works out for you. I wish you the best!

 

[poohandwendy]

Now, with the kids, I made my bed, I am going to sleep in it, for as long as I have to, so they can have a secure, happy upbringing.

If you are living in a dead marriage, you are not doing your children any favors. If you think they cannot feel the lack of intimacy between you and their father, you are way wrong.

No, I do not feel the same way you, although our marriage has had it's ups and downs, I cannot say there has been a time that I did not love my husband. There have been times where he has hurt me and I wished that I didn't.

Instead of settling into martyrdom, why not put your energy into seducing your DH into a new, more exciting relationship again? If you secretly 'hate' him, well that would be impossible. But do you have any love left? Or even like?

If so, why not make it a point to start slowly by becoming the adoring woman he used to know? Compliments, flirtation, more eye contact, smiling, making small steps towards intimacy....all of these things are something I guarantee you both are craving for yourselves. You have both probably just turned off a switch to protect yourself from being disappointed in each other.

I know it sounds really impossible to rekindle love. But it is not. It takes a conscious effort on your part to try.

Please give it one last shot for your kids. Not just a marriage on paper, but a real live loving relationship. If you are going to stay, you owe it to them to show them a working marriage. Not perfect by any means, but at least loving. YOU are their example for future relationships. I know you couldn't want the same for them. By showing them that marriage is negative, you do them and their future mates a huge disservice. Please think about what you have read on this thread.

I wish you luck and all the best. You have admitted there is a problem. Please try to seek a solution that doesn't require you to settle until you can get the hell out.

 

[OceanAnnie]

That is about the saddest thing I've read in awhile. I'm sorry you feel that way.

I don't have any words of advice. I don't know about your experience, just what you've shared.

I did want to ask you how do you respond when your husband looks at you like you have two heads? I get those looks from my DH too sometimes. I'll give him a goofy look and ask him, "What's your problem?". Kidding around. Ofcourse I look at him like he has two heads sometimes too.

Maybe he's looking at you like you have two heads because you seem unhappy so often and it's odd to him to see you laugh hysterically. There's a lot of reasons for looking at someone like that.

He might have no sense of humor because he feels your unhappiness.

I don't have advice. Maybe a different perspective. Sometimes we can have an inner dialogue that's off the mark. And misperceptions can catch fire fueled by feelings and then you have a course that's layed out in front of you that can be averted. You can't get a true perspective without communicating.

 

[poohandwendy]

Sometimes we can have an inner dialogue that's off the mark. And misperceptions can catch fire fueled by feelings and then you have a course that's layed out in front of you that can be averted. You can't get a true perspective without communicating.

Very good point. The feelings you both have may stem form what you 'think' the other one feels and in turn you shut a door on them emotionally because you have decided that they will never understand you. How long has it been since you really had a heart to heart talk? Really open and honest, raw dialog?

 

[Buckalew11]

Again, I have to say, amen, Pooh and Wendy. Great post. And your advice was pretty much what I did: I took all the energy and thought about leaving him and put it into loving him and it worked.

 

[Buckalew11]

Oh and that part bout you laughing and him not? I could have written that. Last week we were watching that Blue Collar Comic show and I was ROFLMBO. He just sat there watching. I looked at him like HE had 2 heads and I even made the comment, "You hardly ever laugh. Don't you know laughter is good for you?" I am a very animated person. It is easy to know if I am happy or sad because it shows. He is the opposite. He always looks so darned serious to me (just like one of my sisters). When I'm laughing hysterically (head thrown back and my eyes closed?) he is probably looking at me then like I have 2 heads. LOL That's OK, my 2 heads are both happy and laughing.

This post (and I do feel for you) reminds me of something a lady told me once at work (I cut hair so ladies give me lots of advice, LOL), She said that we have to make ourseleves happy and not wait on someone else to make us happy. For whatever reason, that has stuck with me and I believe it. My happiness is up to me. It isn't DH's, DD's or anyone else's responsibility to make or keep me happy.

 

[poohandwendy]

Again, I have to say, amen, Pooh and Wendy. Great post. And your advice was pretty much what I did: I took all the energy and thought about leaving him and put it into loving him and it worked.

Congratulations for knowing what it is all about...it is about doing what you need to do to make the best possible outcome out of your circumstances. And not looking around for a rescuer to save you or a villian to blame...

BRAVO to you for knowing that YOU are the captain of your ship and that real personal growth will ALWAYS bring you happiness. No matter how high the mountain and no matter what you seek.

YOU, Buckalew11, are a success

 

[reeddi]

I so hear you.
I myself have had doubt in my relationship quite recently. It's not that I don't have feeling for my hubby, I do just not strong ones. However, he and I are so different in some aspects that I find myself wondering if it would be better to get out now then when I am 48. (36 now with a 4 year old) I don't want to grow old and live seperate lives in the same house. My parents do that and it sucks. They, too, considered divorce when I was a teenager and sometimes, I wish they had. Conseuling is not an option. He has a bachelor's in psychology and thinks it is mostly lack of will or bs (with some exceptions). He has another bachelor's in Physical Therapy - that is his job.

Anyway, the best advice I got from my mom "Are YOU better off without him?" Truth is no, I would miss him and the good times. So I put those feelings aside and go on.

Back to my parents situation, at the time, I was devestated by the thought of them divorcing. Now looking back at what they have become, I do wish for both of their sakes they had divorced. But they are settled into a relationship that works for them so it is none of my business.

I hope you can find what works for you in whatever you decide.

 

[Pop Daddy]

no advice, but Im sorry

 

[Serena]

I stayed in a bad marriage far too long. For lots of reasons. I had no idea how healthier and happier I'd be single.

 

[Tasha+Scott]

I didn't read any of the other posts before typing this, so if this has already been said, then I am sorry.

Anyway, I would try counseling first. If that doesn't work and you truly do not like being married and don't think you will be with this person after your kids are grown, then I would end it now. I don't know how old your kids are, but take it from me, it will be a lot easier for them to accept the younger they are. If you pretend to want to be married their whole childhood and then divorce their father after they are adults, you may shock and devastate them. They might feel like they never saw it coming. Then again, they might be like I was. I knew it was coming for years before it actually did. My parents thought they hid it so well, but my brother and I both knew they were unhappy for a long time before they finally told us. Still didn't make it any easier, but we were all actually a lot happier after their divorce. An unhappy, or even "settled", marriage can affect the kids as well. That's just something to think about. I hope everything works out the way it should in the end for you and your family.

 

[Planogirl]

I kind of understand what you're feeling but I do have a question. Is there anything else going on that might be affecting your thinking?

I'll go ahead and tell you a little about my situation. Nowadays, I feel totally disinterested in my marriage. I feel withdrawn and bored. But, we've had so much to deal with lately and I think these things are affecting our marriage. We've had layoffs, money problems, illness, family issues, you name it. My DH is down and rightly so and this affects my attitude. In turn, I tend to anger too easily and of course, he is affected by that. Stress and worry on a continuous basis stinks.

I'm trying to coast along for now until some of these other problems are resolved. I'm hoping that for us things are salvageable once life quits kicking us in the rear. We can only try.

Maybe some of this is true for you? The advice about getting a hobby to occupy some of your thoughts is excellent. There is nothing worse than dwelling too much on failure IMO. It only makes the failure seem even bigger when it might not even exist.

Good luck to you whoever you are.

 

[Alice28]

Something our pastor said to us on our wedding day (as part of the little message) is that Love is a feeling, that comes and goes....what is important is that you honor the committment you make to each other on your wedding day. The committment is what makes a marriage a marriage- not the feeling of love necessarily.

My DH and I went through some very rocky times about 6 years ago, but we got through them and are stronger than ever and we are in love again. Love comes and goes sometimes like the tide; but if you're with the right person and you both make a go of it, it always comes back! And, one other thing; your spouse isn't supposed to provide for ALL your needs. If you feel he's a stick in the mud, go have fun with some friends! If he supports you, supports your kids, loves the kids, is committed to you and you get along...well, that's a lot more than a lot of couples have! Talk with him- ask him if he wants that "spark" again, and maybe together you can find stuff to do to create the magic again.

 

[Microcell]

Something else to think about....I have quite a few friends who's parents divorced after they were grown. It was very, very hard on them. I wouldn't assume that you're sparing your children a lot of anguish by waiting until they are older.

I was wondering that very thing. I had a friend in college that seemed really torn up about it, but I was never sure if he was or trying to look sensitive to get me to go out with him!

I do find it admirable that you want to stay for your kids sake. I think you should look at ways to make it work instead of counting the days until your kids are gone.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I read alll the comments, because I related to the original post... and PoohNWendy....what amazing advice you give...

Although my situation is soo similar, I have soo much surrounding issues that it is still different... I'll tell you what has worked for me lately...

It's 2 quotes/phrases

Marriage is a journey, not a destination.

and

Marriage isn't being with the right partner...it's BEING the right partner.

I work on this daily...and it helps. We've been seperated before...and there's goods and bads with both... but I know if we stay together...it needs to be more physical and loving if we are to set a good example for our girls of marriage and love. We are great friends...I think I'll follow some advice on this board

Thanks for the post.