Does any mom here get "attitude" when state they are SAHM??

[SueM in MN]

What I want to know is why does it have to be a SAHM vs WOHM debate? We're all moms, we're all doing what we think is best for our family. Shouldn't we just support each other as parents and put petty differences about parenting choices aside? It just seems a little silly to me.

 

[mom23boys]

I agree this should not be a debate. Everyone has to make the right decision for thier families.

I have done it all ways, FT working Mom, PT working Mom and now I am a SAHM. I have been for about 5 years.

I am the running joke of my family, none of my Sisters or my DM thought I would be the one to stay home, I wanted the career and wanted to make it big. But it is the best decision for my family. My youngest has had reflux very bad and no one would take him even for a few hours for me. (He used to vomit 13-14 times a day) Yuck!!!. Now he is so attached to me, because I have never left him, that when Preschool starts I think I am going to have a problem.

 

[disneymac]

What I want to know is why does it have to be a SAHM vs WOHM debate? We're all moms, we're all doing what we think is best for our family. Shouldn't we just support each other as parents and put petty differences about parenting choices aside? It just seems a little silly to me.

Absolutely! We all have to remember that whatever choice we make may not work for everyone else and we may never know the reason - personality, money troubles, whatever... The great thing is that most of us get to choose what works for us.
I have been a sahm for 4 years now and I love it - at first I planned to go back to work after the kids got a little older, now of course I realize that they'll actually need me here more then than they do now! I feel very blessed to be able to do this. DH is very supportive and although there are some people who try to take advantage of me, I've learned how not to let them (most of the time! ) It helps a lot that I'm out of the house a lot! It was difficult financially at first, but we survived and now we are planning our first family trip to WDW!! Does life get any better than this?

Just remember, only you can know what is right for you - don't let the fact that someone else chose something different make you feel like you're not doing it right. And if someone gives you a hard time tell them to hush and pass you the bon bons!

 

[D3K]

Lucky you!! wish I could stay at home with my kids. I work 45 hours a week, My husband and I have spoken about maybe only working hours that the kids are at school. Crossing my fingers that w/ in the next year this might happen.

 

[WDWorBUST]

I have to agree that as moms we should all just support other moms. Regardless of the decisions they made. Personally.....I was sitting here reading this thread wishing I could be a SAHM - then I get to SAHM's bashing working mothers and got just a little ticked - of course I know that all you SAHM's probably get that a lot - that's what this thread was about - but no one knows my situation and why I work. Personally - I enjoy work. But more often than not here lately I would love to stay home. Financially I can't afford to. We have a very modest home, one car with a payment and credit card debt. We could not make it on only my DH's income. Even if we could....we went through a spell where DH was off work for almost a year - during that time we got into the credit card debt we are paying now....and I realized how valuable my job is. It is very steady and stable. His isn't - even now and he's been there almost a year. I work for an amazing company that I don't want to leave - is that a little selfish - yeah - but if I'm not happy with me and what I'm doing with my life how am I going to teach my child (for now - children hopefully in a couple of years) those things?? Not to mention that if I'm not happy how can I be the best mom I can be?? Also...by working we can pay our bills and we still get to enjoy vacations, I could afford to have dd's picture made every month the first year and can still afford to every other month (give or take) now. Are those things worth giving up staying at home - NO WAY. But it's a nice little perk. Of course it helps that Granny takes care of her while I work. The main thing though is we all know how tough it is to be a mother - and we all know that we question ourselves enough without getting it from other people - we just need to support each other and not question each others personal decisions.

 

[scrappinmom]

The main thing though is we all know how tough it is to be a mother - and we all know that we question ourselves enough without getting it from other people - we just need to support each other and not question each others personal decisions.

I absolutely agree with you. The funny thing is...I don't ususally get questioned or chastised by other mom's period...it's my family - meaning my parents, in-laws, aunts etc..I have friends that both work and stay home I don't think either of us is the "better" mom. It's a choice, it's a very personal choice. I too left a job that had great security and awesome benefits...but it was the right choice at that moment for my family. Had it been, say after 9/11 and when the financial world became shakey, I may not have made the same decision (married to a banker). There are loads of things I wish we could do or could afford but it was the decision we made. Not right, not wrong for anyone else but me.

 

[WDWorBUST]

The funny thing is...I don't ususally get questioned or chastised by other mom's period...it's my family - meaning my parents, in-laws, aunts etc..

Don't you just love families I'm very fortunate with my family and my mother-in-law in that they just tend to support us and our decisions regardless of what they "really" think. But my DH's brother - him and all his family couldn't understand why I wasn't barefoot and pregnant within a month or two of our wedding and really didn't understand why on earth I would work (this is pre-children)

 

[scrappinmom]

\]I wasn't barefoot and pregnant within a month or two of our wedding and really didn't understand why on earth I would work (this is pre-children)

lol how funny...my family was the exact opposite...we got pregnant with dd#1 after being married 5 YEARS & my parents were like "already?" and THEN omgpsh when we got pregnant the 2nd time, and the 3rd time...my dad said "why on earth would you do that!" Of course important to note here I'm an only child !

 

[dtsaos]

I have to agree that as moms we should all just support other moms. Regardless of the decisions they made. Personally.....I was sitting here reading this thread wishing I could be a SAHM - then I get to SAHM's bashing working mothers and got just a little ticked - of course I know that all you SAHM's probably get that a lot - that's what this thread was about - but no one knows my situation and why I work. Personally - I enjoy work. But more often than not here lately I would love to stay home. Financially I can't afford to. We have a very modest home, one car with a payment and credit card debt. We could not make it on only my DH's income. Even if we could....we went through a spell where DH was off work for almost a year - during that time we got into the credit card debt we are paying now....and I realized how valuable my job is. It is very steady and stable. His isn't - even now and he's been there almost a year. I work for an amazing company that I don't want to leave - is that a little selfish - yeah - but if I'm not happy with me and what I'm doing with my life how am I going to teach my child (for now - children hopefully in a couple of years) those things?? Not to mention that if I'm not happy how can I be the best mom I can be?? Also...by working we can pay our bills and we still get to enjoy vacations, I could afford to have dd's picture made every month the first year and can still afford to every other month (give or take) now. Are those things worth giving up staying at home - NO WAY. But it's a nice little perk. Of course it helps that Granny takes care of her while I work. The main thing though is we all know how tough it is to be a mother - and we all know that we question ourselves enough without getting it from other people - we just need to support each other and not question each others personal decisions.

Okay, I know I'm going to stir up some more trouble here, but here goes...The thing about WDWorBust is that Grandma watches your baby while you work! That's the next best thing to you doing it yourself and soooo not like putting her in daycare! I guess my issue is that it just seems like so many infants and babies and young toddlers are put into daycares and that is what gets at me. I just think it's sad.

 

[mom23boys]

I think it is great that some Parents and Grandparents can help out babysitting while Mothers work. Some have to go the Daycare route. I do not think it is sad. It is a fact of life that some Mothers have to work and some chose to work.

My oldest Sister, had IVF after years of trying, had twin boys (3) and just had her third boy 4 months ago. She works full time. I asked why she works, she waited so long to become a Mother, she said she could never stay home all day. I was kind of taken back, but some people feel that way. I do not think anyone should judge anyone elses decision.

 

[brittsmum1998]

When people ask if I work, I reply " I work for MY DD who is my boss, the pay is lousy but the benefits are the best in the world"

 

[DawnaJean]

posted by DTSAOS - Okay, I know I'm going to stir up some more trouble here, but here goes...The thing about WDWorBust is that Grandma watches your baby while you work! That's the next best thing to you doing it yourself and soooo not like putting her in daycare! I guess my issue is that it just seems like so many infants and babies and young toddlers are put into daycares and that is what gets at me. I just think it's sad.

DTSAOS, try not to be so negative about working moms and day care. Some of us want to work, and some would rather be at home but for financial reasons need to work. All the working moms I know really value SAHMs. I know what you do is very important ...and what could be more important than raising your children.

That said...three cheers for the husbands/significant others/inheritance or savings that fund your staying home!

 

[delilah]

I would have loved to have had grandma babysit for my son when he was preschool aged. Unfortunately, my mom passed away about 6 years before he was born, and MIL is demented and in a nursing home. Can't even take care of herself, much less a child. Different families have different needs. My son learned how to recognize letters by the time he was two. He just finished first grade, where he completed half the second grade curriculum. He is well socialized and liked by the other children. After reading the comments here, I would never think to impose on my SAHM neighbor to take care of my son on a school holiday, even though her son is about 6 mos older than mine, and they are friends. Wouldn't want her to think I was trying to impose on her.

 

[welovedis]

Just wanted to add my .02. I've been on all sides of the fence, SAHM, WOHM & WAHM and there is attitude depending on who you talk to about anything.

To begin: I am a daycare operator, run a small childcare center from my home (it is actually a large addition built onto my home solely for the purpose of childcare so that I could be home and do this too. )

When I "only" was a WOHM I got the "Why aren't you spending all your time with the baby you tried so hard to have?", then as a SAHM "Why are you wasting your degree and your abilities?" now as a WAHM 'Why would you have all those children in your home when you probably don't even need to work?". Actually lately I get the "look" from many SAHMs whose children attend the same school as my DS when they ask what I do, or who is watching all those kids that I am supposed to be taking care of (I have a staff of 3 besides me!), etc...

I also feel that no one has the right to judge me based on my chosen profession. I hope that each parent does what is right for them and their child based on their situation and would not care to second guess what someone chooses or doesn't choose for their family.

In the (almost) 7 years since I've been in business, I've actually had a few moms who have come to me, in tears, because they simply feel that they can't stay home for whatever reason and don't want to be called a bad mother for putting their child in full-day care.

And also, just as you don't want others to judge a mom based on her choice of work, don't lump all childcare into one category and assume that children don't get terrific care and loving providers. I pride myself on exemplary care for the children and thorough communication with the parents and know that in some cases the children are thriving because they are part of our childcare center.

Thanks for listening all!

 

[WDWorBUST]

Okay, I know I'm going to stir up some more trouble here, but here goes...The thing about WDWorBust is that Grandma watches your baby while you work! That's the next best thing to you doing it yourself and soooo not like putting her in daycare! I guess my issue is that it just seems like so many infants and babies and young toddlers are put into daycares and that is what gets at me. I just think it's sad.

I agree that I am VERY fortunate that my mom is willing and able to take care of my daughter. She is part of the equation on timing for a second child. I know she can't handle an infant and a toddler (I don't know that I can ) so we're waiting a little. As far as daycare goes - well there are good daycares and bad daycares. There are a lot of people out there that truly love children and do a great job. Then there are some that don't. But mothers that put their children in daycare love them just as much as mothers that don't. There are bad mothers out there - as much as we hate to admit it they do exist. But I truly believe that some of those bad mothers put their children in daycare and some of those bad mothers stay home with them. So I do disagree with you that all daycares are bad and children shouldn't go to them. I would have had a hard time putting my child in daycare personally but I would have done what I had to do....and I would have researched all possibilities so I could make the best decision possible for my child. Which I think is generally what happens.

Oh and I think it's great that you can and have the desire to stay home with your children. I truly respect and envy all of you stay at home moms....I know it's a full-time job + some

 

[indigoxtreme]

I take care of 2 kids, I teach, I cook, I clean, I do repairs, I organize, I plan.......does that sound like someone who's 'just' anything?" [Baby Blues cartoon strip][/QUOTE]

I have found that the people with attitude seem to be the SAHM. Most of them want society to say Oh that is great you are a SAHM. I don't have any problem with this at all. My best friend is a SAHM, she was also a RN.

What bothers me is when the SAHM complain that they cannot do anything because there is no money to do the activities. Don't complain about it, that was your choice to cut the family budget by staying at home.

Per the quote above, I have all of this to do and also a fulltime job outside the Home. But I have never said to anyone that I have 2 fulltime jobs. I have always worked as it is my choice, just like Staying at home is your professional choice.

Perhaps some of the problem is from the professional non moms, who chose not to have a family. I would think they would be the ones to look down on SAHM's.

I do agree that there should be a category for Homemaker on surveys as it is a job. I know my company on applications has this category.

 

[hokiefan33]

I don't mind the SAHM's a bit. In fact, my wife, who works a FT job in Accounting (though she's out right now for the summer since we just had a new little girl!) would really like to be a SAHM, and I would like for her to be, as well. However, some things I have found from talking with people or just overhearing conversations are this:

1) Some (not all, not even most, but some) SAHMs think they are just a little bit "better" at being a mom than moms who work. Now that is a load of crap. My wife manages to do in a week what a lot of SAHMs do in a week, and manages to do it in a shorter time period b/c she has to work around 40-45 hours per week where she is tied down in a different location. My wife can work circles around a lot of the SAHMs I know!!

2) Some (not all, not even most, but some) SAHMs just can't fathom why any woman wouldn't want to stay home with their kids. Newsflash: not every working mother WANTS to be a working mother! Some (as with my wife and myself) have to do it from a financial perspective, just to make ends meet. I hear this a lot from wives of husbands who I know make well over $100k per year, so I imagine from that perspective, maybe they don't realize the struggles that other families who don't make that much go through. It breaks my wife's heart that she can't be there all the time for our kids, and I don't like it any more than she does, but right now, there's nothing more we can do about it.

3) My wife hates, I mean REALLY hates, when her friends who are SAHMs complain to her about how tired they are, that it was a rough day at the pool, that the kids were cranky today, that she had to go to the grocery store, etc... You know what? Too bad. Live with it. Do you really think you're any more tired than my wife, who has to be at work before you're even out of bed and won't see her kids until dinnertime, after working all day, only to have to come home and take care of them and the house until she collapses from exhaustion? SAHMs, please be sensitive to what you complain about, especially to those mothers who have a job outside the home that ties them down.

4) It still amazes me how the behavior of some SAHMs' kids they think is so cute, is actually atrocious and obnoxious. I have seen dogs with better manners than the kids of some SAHMs (for that manner, I have seen dogs with better manners than the kids of some working mothers, as well, but stay with me), but they think their kids walk on water. Some of them are socially unadjusted, get scared around anyone except their mom, and couldn't form a coherent sentence to save their life, relying on mom to do it all. Then they wonder why little Susie isn't doing well in kindergarten and can't make friends. I am often glad that my kids are very well behaved (thanks largely to my wife who works with them a great deal), very well adjusted and function well in school and are extremely smart. I'm not saying that is the case for all working mothers' kids vs. SAHM's kids, but I do see a lot of it around where I live.

Bottom line - both mothers who work outside the home and SAHMs work very hard, and neither is better than the other. Enjoy the situation your in, don't brag about it (or complain about it), but live your life to the fullest and have as much fun with your kids as possible. You have them for only a very short time in the grand scheme of things.

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

3) My wife hates, I mean REALLY hates, when her friends who are SAHMs complain to her about how tired they are, that it was a rough day at the pool, that the kids were cranky today, that she had to go to the grocery store, etc... You know what? Too bad. Live with it. Do you really think you're any more tired than my wife, who has to be at work before you're even out of bed and won't see her kids until dinnertime, after working all day, only to have to come home and take care of them and the house until she collapses from exhaustion? SAHMs, please be sensitive to what you complain about, especially to those mothers who have a job outside the home that ties them down.

Well that one is really weird. These are her FRIENDS and they aren't allowed to ever complain simply because they are SAHMs? Complaining about being tired/so busy/etc. is not the same as saying they are MORE tired than she is or any better than she is because they are SAHMs. But they should be entitled to the same kind of "complaining/venting"- especially among suppoesd FRIENDS, as someone who works! That's sad that this bugs her so much... personally it sounds like she thinks working is harder so they aren't allowed to complain. That is the OPPOSITE of them thinking SAHM is harder.... yanno?

Personally I've been on both sides. I only became a SAHM when my 2nd (of 3) child was about 1.5yrs old. So I only went through ONE pregnancy as a SAHM and only ONE "baby/first year" as a SAHM. So I've been there on both sides- I know what it's like both working and as SAHM. I don't care what others think about me being a SAHM and since I've been on both sides I have respect for those on both situations (working vs. SAHM). I've never had the problem of being expected to do more for others, be a babysitter, etc. because from the get go I wasn't able to do those things (too busy with 3 kids!) so no one ever got in the habit of expecting me to be able to do thoes things. LOL

At times, especially recently since my youngest starts Kindergarten next year, I have thought about getting a weekday school hours type job while they are in school- but you know what... everytime I think about it I realize even when they are in school I'm super busy with everything. From helping with their classes (room mother/etc.) and using the time they are in school to get errands, cleaning, etc. done so they get my full attention when they are home (often necessary- between their extra activities after school almost every day of the week, homework, dinner, etc.) --we'd have to sacrifice a lot for me to return to work. So unless it was necessary, I probably won't. I like being able to always help in their classes, go to every school activitiy/program/etc. they have- and then ofcourse I don't have the stress of having to worry if school calls because they are sick, hurt, etc. that I'd have to try to find a way to get time off from work. I KNOW how stressful that can be in the past! Plus add to that that the only job *I* could get that worked around their school hours wouldn't really be worth even working (pay wise I mean). If I could go back to work around their school hours and make a high salary, I might consider it more! LOL

So I think about returning to the work force at times... but then I think again. LOL I consider myself very blessed to have the CHOICE though... I know what it's like to not have the choice in that matter. I wish ALL parents who wanted to SAH could do so.

 

[hokiefan33]

Well that one is really weird. These are her FRIENDS and they aren't allowed to ever complain simply because they are SAHMs? Complaining about being tired/so busy/etc. is not the same as saying they are MORE tired than she is or any better than she is because they are SAHMs. But they should be entitled to the same kind of "complaining/venting"- especially among suppoesd FRIENDS, as someone who works! That's sad that this bugs her so much... personally it sounds like she thinks working is harder so they aren't allowed to complain. That is the OPPOSITE of them thinking SAHM is harder.... yanno? (

Forgot to read it closer, didn't you? No, I said she gets tired when they complain, and then I listed examples such as "tough day at the pool", "had to go to the store", etc... She doesn't get upset when they complain about anything, just certain things. Why would you complain about going to the pool? About going to the grocery store? The way she views it (and I agree) these are things they GET to do during the day, that my wife either CAN'T do or has to do AFTER work, and she doesn't complain to them about how tired SHE is. It's not really about the complaint, just the unsensivity that arises from them thinking their life is tough b/c the pool was crowded that day. They're entitled to complain as much as anyone else, but whether you're entitled to do it or not, nobody still wants to hear it. Yanno?

 

[beattyfamily]

I don't mind the SAHM's a bit. In fact, my wife, who works a FT job in Accounting (though she's out right now for the summer since we just had a new little girl!) would really like to be a SAHM, and I would like for her to be, as well. However, some things I have found from talking with people or just overhearing conversations are this:

1) Some (not all, not even most, but some) SAHMs think they are just a little bit "better" at being a mom than moms who work. Now that is a load of crap. My wife manages to do in a week what a lot of SAHMs do in a week, and manages to do it in a shorter time period b/c she has to work around 40-45 hours per week where she is tied down in a different location. My wife can work circles around a lot of the SAHMs I know!!

2) Some (not all, not even most, but some) SAHMs just can't fathom why any woman wouldn't want to stay home with their kids. Newsflash: not every working mother WANTS to be a working mother! Some (as with my wife and myself) have to do it from a financial perspective, just to make ends meet. I hear this a lot from wives of husbands who I know make well over $100k per year, so I imagine from that perspective, maybe they don't realize the struggles that other families who don't make that much go through. It breaks my wife's heart that she can't be there all the time for our kids, and I don't like it any more than she does, but right now, there's nothing more we can do about it.

3) My wife hates, I mean REALLY hates, when her friends who are SAHMs complain to her about how tired they are, that it was a rough day at the pool, that the kids were cranky today, that she had to go to the grocery store, etc... You know what? Too bad. Live with it. Do you really think you're any more tired than my wife, who has to be at work before you're even out of bed and won't see her kids until dinnertime, after working all day, only to have to come home and take care of them and the house until she collapses from exhaustion? SAHMs, please be sensitive to what you complain about, especially to those mothers who have a job outside the home that ties them down.

4) It still amazes me how the behavior of some SAHMs' kids they think is so cute, is actually atrocious and obnoxious. I have seen dogs with better manners than the kids of some SAHMs (for that manner, I have seen dogs with better manners than the kids of some working mothers, as well, but stay with me), but they think their kids walk on water. Some of them are socially unadjusted, get scared around anyone except their mom, and couldn't form a coherent sentence to save their life, relying on mom to do it all. Then they wonder why little Susie isn't doing well in kindergarten and can't make friends. I am often glad that my kids are very well behaved (thanks largely to my wife who works with them a great deal), very well adjusted and function well in school and are extremely smart. I'm not saying that is the case for all working mothers' kids vs. SAHM's kids, but I do see a lot of it around where I live.

Bottom line - both mothers who work outside the home and SAHMs work very hard, and neither is better than the other. Enjoy the situation your in, don't brag about it (or complain about it), but live your life to the fullest and have as much fun with your kids as possible. You have them for only a very short time in the grand scheme of things.

This post is a PERFECT example of how it becomes a debate.