Do You "Uninvite" Friends in Order to Punish Your Child?

[DVCLiz]

If I thought this was the only way to get my DD's attention I would do this. Is it fair to OP's daughter, no. However, sometimes we have to get "mean" to get their attention. I personally think you could have put a great spin on this and used it as a learning tool.

LOL!! What's the lesson - sometimes life sucks? I'd rather teach that in other ways...

 

[Planogirl]

I think that it's rude to uninvite a guest too. I wouldn't uninvite an adult guest so I sure wouldn't do the same just because that guest is younger.

I would find other ways to punish the child personally.

 

[Cool-Beans]

It is rude to uninvite your daughter, no two ways about it.

The parent can't make her kid do what she says so she behaves rudely toward your daughter in order to...what?...teach the kid a lesson?

I'm not sure what lesson she's trying to teach there, but it obviously has nothing to do with manners or thoughtfulness.

 

[JessicaR]

I think it was terribly unfair to your daughter. It's a shame her feelings werent considered at all. I feel there are other ways to 'punish' and another option should have been chosen. I also don't think the punishment fit the crime, but not my kid.

 

[tasha99]

I think uninviting your daughter was rude and thoughtless. If the friends behavior was so bad it warranted canceling the trip, I could see it. But to take the person being punished while uninviting the guest just seems wrong to me. I think it would have been better to find an alternate punishment, especially since this one didn't even seem to fit the crime.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes it was rude to do that to your dd.

I am one to question if that was the real reason your dd was uninvited. The excuse was lame so I am doubting her sincerity. However I am cynical like that.

In addition, if the dd was supposed to do chores in order for your dd to go, it doesn't make her that much of a friend in my book.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I side with the other mom on this one. Her main concern is her daughter, not OP's. If she thinks this is the best way to teach her daughter a lesson, then she has to do what she feels is best. Is it disappointing? Absolutely. But it also would have been disappointing if something came up at the last minute and OP's daughter wasn't able to go. And as Mystery Machine mentioned, why isn't the friend getting any flack for not doing what she had to do. Might stand to reason that this mom has threatened consequences before and never followed through. Unfortunately for OP's daughter, maybe she had finally had enough and followed through this time.

A PP mentioned not inviting a friend until chores were done. Unfortunately, you need to give the friend some sort of advanced notice and we all know how quickly a child can mess up their room. Unless you are willing to call about 3 hours before you're leaving to extend an invitation, that won't work in this situation.

 

[ajk912]

I side with the other mom on this one. Her main concern is her daughter, not OP's. If she thinks this is the best way to teach her daughter a lesson, then she has to do what she feels is best. Is it disappointing? Absolutely. But it also would have been disappointing if something came up at the last minute and OP's daughter wasn't able to go. And as Mystery Machine mentioned, why isn't the friend getting any flack for not doing what she had to do. Might stand to reason that this mom has threatened consequences before and never followed through. Unfortunately for OP's daughter, maybe she had finally had enough and followed through this time.

A PP mentioned not inviting a friend until chores were done. Unfortunately, you need to give the friend some sort of advanced notice and we all know how quickly a child can mess up their room. Unless you are willing to call about 3 hours before you're leaving to extend an invitation, that won't work in this situation.

Yup, I agree with you.

 

[NMAmy]

A PP mentioned not inviting a friend until chores were done. Unfortunately, you need to give the friend some sort of advanced notice and we all know how quickly a child can mess up their room. Unless you are willing to call about 3 hours before you're leaving to extend an invitation, that won't work in this situation.

Uninviting someone 3 hours before you're leaving is even ruder. IMO, not doing chores is no reason to disappoint an invited guest and I'd come up with an alternate punishment for my dd when we returned. Now if my child had done something really majorly wrong, then, yes, I could see calling the other parent and explaining the situation.

 

[DawnM]

Wow, so she punished YOUR daughter for her daughter's mistake?

This happened to a friend of mine too.....her son had planned a trip with a friend and the friend's parents cancelled last min as a punishment.

I think it is RUDE to un-invite someone, very rude.

They could easily have come up with another punishment.

Dawn

 

[MerMom60_94]

For those of you who have used this punishment my question is, did your child never commit their "crime" again? In other words, did they clean their room when asked going forward? If not, then obviously this punishment wasn't effective. The whole point of the punishment is to be a deterent to the poor behavior. My DD was invited to a friends house a couple of years ago and got uninvited because her friend hadn't cleaned her room. It was no big deal, but my point is that not cleaning the room was an ongoing problem for that child and it wasn't the first time and it wasn't the last time. Obviously these punishments were having no effect.

I agree with those who have said uninviting a guest is rude. What if OP's child had passed on other plans because she was going away? Inviting her as a guest could have been tied into cleaning the room / performing a chore. These chores are presumably not a one time event and could be a reward for cleaning her room two weeks ago. Cleaning her room this week could have been tied to a future event or even plans for when they were away. For instance, if you don't clean your room before we go away you will not be permitted to rent jet skis while we are on our trip. The child will be punished and the OPs daughter will probably not know the difference.

 

[MushyMushy]

Extremely rude. And I agree with whoever said that they'd rethink allowing my child to go on any further trips with this family. I'd worry they'd flake out again.

Come on, there aren't ANY other punishments that would fit the crime? Really? You can't withhold spending money during the trip? Especially for an offense like skipping chores?

I would never do this to another kid. I like to think I can use my head a little better than that to get my point across.

 

[ajk912]

For those of you who have used this punishment my question is, did your child never commit their "crime" again? In other words, did they clean their room when asked going forward? If not, then obviously this punishment wasn't effective. The whole point of the punishment is to be a deterent to the poor behavior. My DD was invited to a friends house a couple of years ago and got uninvited because her friend hadn't cleaned her room. It was no big deal, but my point is that not cleaning the room was an ongoing problem for that child and it wasn't the first time and it wasn't the last time. Obviously these punishments were having no effect.

I agree with those who have said uninviting a guest is rude. What if OP's child had passed on other plans because she was going away? Inviting her as a guest could have been tied into cleaning the room / performing a chore. These chores are presumably not a one time event and could be a reward for cleaning her room two weeks ago. Cleaning her room this week could have been tied to a future event or even plans for when they were away. For instance, if you don't clean your room before we go away you will not be permitted to rent jet skis while we are on our trip. The child will be punished and the OPs daughter will probably not know the difference.

I was one who said that I could see myself using this punishment. This girl is going on vacation soon. The parents can't take away that vacation, that would punish the family, too. All they can do is say that she can't take her friend. That's probably a big deal. Sure, this probably won't fix the "refusing to clean up her room" bit, but probably the biggest issue here is the disobedience and probably the brattiness that goes along with it. I am sure the parents don't really care that much about the clean room. They are just trying to raise their daughter right. And even if it won't fix it, you at least have to try, right? You can't just throw up your hands and say..ok, my kid's going to be a brat. Oh well.

And as for the jet ski thing..my kids aren't even teenagers yet and I could see my oldest agreeing with that punishment. Oh, ok, I can refuse to clean my room and all that happens is I don't get to rent jet skis? That's no big deal at all!

 

[MushyMushy]

I was one who said that I could see myself using this punishment. This girl is going on vacation soon. The parents can't take away that vacation, that would punish the family, too. All they can do is say that she can't take her friend. That's probably a big deal. Sure, this probably won't fix the "refusing to clean up her room" bit, but probably the biggest issue here is the disobedience and probably the brattiness that goes along with it. I am sure the parents don't really care that much about the clean room. They are just trying to raise their daughter right. And even if it won't fix it, you at least have to try, right? You can't just throw up your hands and say..ok, my kid's going to be a brat. Oh well.

And as for the jet ski thing..my kids aren't even teenagers yet and I could see my oldest agreeing with that punishment. Oh, ok, I can refuse to clean my room and all that happens is I don't get to rent jet skis? That's no big deal at all!

Sometimes when we punish our kids, it does come as a sacrifice for ourselves! That's just part of being a parent. Why is it okay to punish the innocent child when you wouldn't be willing to do the same to your own family?

Anyway, like I said, I can be creative in punishments without making another kid suffer.

 

[ajk912]

Sometimes when we punish our kids, it does come as a sacrifice for ourselves! That's just part of being a parent. Why is it okay to punish the innocent child when you wouldn't be willing to do the same to your own family?

Anyway, like I said, I can be creative in punishments without making another kid suffer.

Because it's OUR family vacation, the whole bonding experience. Taking a friend is just a perk that I am now taking away.

Plus..thinking it from a mom side..if your kid is being an absolute brat (and I am just guessing here..but it sounds like a brattiness issue because how hard is it REALLY to take an hour or two and clean your room?) do you really want to deal with two teenagers on your family vacation? It's my vacation too, so I am not going to put myself through that. Sorry. "I" am the one paying for it..sorry guest, it's not going to work out this time. When we extended that invitation it was under the assumption that I would be living with a normal human being who has now warped into someone else.

Also from the mom side...it's probably best from the bonding side to uninvite the friend. With that much potential brattiness going on, it's best that the family does have some quality time to work through some issues. Because, if a friend is there, it could turn into, "Us teens want to do this..us teens want to do that..we are going to go walk down the beach.." etc..and it's not really the, "Let's get to the root of your behavior" experience it could be, you know?

We have to look out for our own families, first, before our kid's friends.

 

[powellrj]

Extremely rude. And I agree with whoever said that they'd rethink allowing my child to go on any further trips with this family. I'd worry they'd flake out again.

Come on, there aren't ANY other punishments that would fit the crime? Really? You can't withhold spending money during the trip? Especially for an offense like skipping chores?

I would never do this to another kid. I like to think I can use my head a little better than that to get my point across.

I agree with this. I think I would have to limit the amount of time my kids spent with someone who would think so little of their feelings.

There are so many ways to punish a child that don't involve hurting someone else. What kind of an example are you when you tell another child that they are being punished for something someone else did.

 

[Allison]

I side with the other mom on this one. Her main concern is her daughter, not OP's. If she thinks this is the best way to teach her daughter a lesson, then she has to do what she feels is best. Is it disappointing? Absolutely. But it also would have been disappointing if something came up at the last minute and OP's daughter wasn't able to go. And as Mystery Machine mentioned, why isn't the friend getting any flack for not doing what she had to do. Might stand to reason that this mom has threatened consequences before and never followed through. Unfortunately for OP's daughter, maybe she had finally had enough and followed through this time.

A PP mentioned not inviting a friend until chores were done. Unfortunately, you need to give the friend some sort of advanced notice and we all know how quickly a child can mess up their room. Unless you are willing to call about 3 hours before you're leaving to extend an invitation, that won't work in this situation.

I agree with you on this one. If this is how the other parents thought was the best way to handle this problem, then that's it. They have make dealing with their child the priority, not anyone else's.

 

[Allison]

I agree with this. I think I would have to limit the amount of time my kids spent with someone who would think so little of their feelings.

There are so many ways to punish a child that don't involve hurting someone else. What kind of an example are you when you tell another child that they are being punished for something someone else did.

I'd say you are showing an example that there are consequences to our actions and that sometimes if you do something bad enough it not only affects you but others around you, even if it's unintentional.

It's unfortunate the OP's daughter was disappointed but the other parents have to do what they think is best for their family.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Hard to say.

The other child must learn consequences including enjoying her own vacation less if her work isn't done.

It is a tough call for her parents.

I feel bad for your DD, but perhaps this is the opportunity to teach her grace and that sometimes when other people fail to honor their commitments that it can indeed ruin our own plans.

It is unfortunate that she misses out on an opportunity,but it is also important to realize that often plans do change.

I won't categorize it as rude (kid travel plans in my life have always been conditional) for the sole reason that it would be undermining the other parents authority. I don't think that is a healthy thing to discuss with your own child.

Unless your own child was 100% paying her own way (portion of the room, portion of the food, her entertainment expenses, her portion of the transportation)--then her whole participation had ALWAYS been conditional on the behavior of their own child.


If anyone "flaked out" on the plans--it was the child who didn't do her chores and she must be held accountable.

We all parent differently. It would be a much nicer world if we respect the authority of parenthood and quit being upset on behalf of our kids for the mean cruel world.

 

[Allison]

Hard to say.

The other child must learn consequences including enjoying her own vacation less if her work isn't done.

It is a tough call for her parents.

I feel bad for your DD, but perhaps this is the opportunity to teach her grace and that sometimes when other people fail to honor their commitments that it can indeed ruin our own plans.

It is unfortunate that she misses out on an opportunity,but it is also important to realize that often plans do change.

I won't categorize it as rude (kid travel plans in my life have always been conditional) for the sole reason that it would be undermining the other parents authority. I don't think that is a healthy thing to discuss with your own child.

Unless your own child was 100% paying her own way (portion of the room, portion of the food, her entertainment expenses, her portion of the transportation)--then her whole participation had ALWAYS been conditional on the behavior of their own child.


If anyone "flaked out" on the plans--it was the child who didn't do her chores and she must be held accountable.

We all parent differently. It would be a much nicer world if we respect the authority of parenthood and quit being upset on behalf of our kids for the mean cruel world.

This is exactly what I wanted to say.