Do You "Uninvite" Friends in Order to Punish Your Child?

[aprilgail2]

If I were your DD and were invited again, I'd decline the invite. These aren't gracious, responsible people who keep their word and hold up their end of the bargain.

They're people whose word (for whatever reason) cannot be trusted.

I'd take it as a lesson for DD - learning that some people follow certain ways of doing things and others don't. Stick the ones who don't in the "flake" category and don't count on them.

I agree- no way would I let her accept any invites from a family like this. They had no consideration for the other child, no the type of people I would want my child hanging out with.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

double post

 

[Mickey's Minion]

This wasn't an invite for a vacation.

It was an invite to somebody's house for the weekend. The only difference is the lifestyle of the parents of the friend allow them to have a house in an area the OP cannot afford and to do activities the OP's daughter doesn't usually get to do. But just because the friends are in a different economic bracket that allows them to enjoy their weekends in a second home does not change the fact that this was simply an invite to their home, not some big vacation.

Yeah, it sucks the OP's daughter couldn't live vicariously through her friend for a weekend, but it is no different than a local playdate being canceled due to poor behavior of the friend.

If a friend of mine decided that lying deserved a strong enough punishment that included her daughter being grounded from having friends over to the house, I would support the Mom 100% whether the house was next door or a few hour's drive away.

It is not like it was some big vacation to Disney, Hawaii or somewhere that involved lots of money, plane tickets, etc. It was a invite for a sleepover at somebody's house.

I know many of our friends kids' love taking their friends "up" with them to their weekend houses. Because going jetskiing alone is akin to going to the local pool by themselves. Just no fun, especially for a teen. I think it was a fitting punishment for an infraction as bad as lying.

OP - I would just support the family in their punishment decision. There will probably be another invite soon. And maybe you will be invited too.

 

[DVCLiz]

This wasn't an invite for a vacation.

It was an invite to somebody's house for the weekend. The only difference is the lifestyle of the parents of the friend allow them to have a house in an area the OP cannot afford and to do activities the OP's daughter doesn't usually get to do. But just because the friends are in a different economic bracket that allows them to enjoy their weekends in a second home does not change the fact that this was simply an invite to their home, not some big vacation.

Yeah, it sucks the OP's daughter couldn't live vicariously through her friend for a weekend, but it is no different than a local playdate being canceled due to poor behavior of the friend.

If a friend of mine decided that lying deserved a strong enough punishment that included her daughter being grounded from having friends over to the house, I would support the Mom 100% whether the house was next door or a few hour's drive away.

It is not like it was some big vacation to Disney, Hawaii or somewhere that involved lots of money, plane tickets, etc. It was a invite for a sleepover at somebody's house.

I know many of our friends kids' love taking their friends "up" with them to their weekend houses. Because going jetskiing alone is akin to going to the local pool by themselves. Just no fun, especially for a teen. I think it was a fitting punishment for an infraction as bad as lying.

OP - I would just support the family in their punishment decision. There will probably be another invite soon. And maybe you will be invited too.

We aren't in a different income bracket - I don't have a vacation home but this is not a question of the haves and the have nots. And I think you are a little bit mistaken about insisting that it is just another weekend for DD's friend - if she doesn't have a friend she still has two siblings and they have fun as a family together, especially she and her sister. So it's a little less of a bore than you are portraying.

I'm sure they will invite her again and I will let DD15 make her own decision. I'm certainly not going to ban her from her friend or their family - they are great people and I love them all. I just got miffed because DD15 would have had fun and I hated it for her sake. I'll just say, "Better hope she cleaned her room!" and if it falls apart again I'll let DD decide if she wants to stop accepting invitations. This is not a battle I intend to fight for her and saying she can't go or do anything with the family is making way too big of a mountain out of a pretty small molehill.

As I said, I was just venting a little.

 

[DVCLiz]

I agree...as a parent I will do what should be done for MY child first...you do not know how many times this child as pulled the same thing and the parents were tired of it.I am sure your dd was upset but not really your choice.I do not find it my buisness to figure out what is the best punishment for others children and think you are really stepping in where you shouldnt.If you ivite her to go to wdw and then say nope changed my mind just because of this then you are in the wrong NOT this other girls parents....they are just trying to raise their child not trying to make you or your dd happy.If I misunderstood what you meant then sorry.

Wait a minute - I'm not stepping anywhere. I'm venting to anonymous strangers on a message board - not calling the other mom for a throwdown about her disciplinary choices. I haven't and won't say a word to her about this, ever.

And yes, you misunderstood what I said. I was using the WDW trip as an example because that's our family's version of a vacation home. We own DVC points so we could go to WDW pretty frequently and it wouldn't seem like such a big deal trip to us, but it might to a kid who doesn't get to go very often. I would never plan a trip then drop another kid because I wanted to teach the other family a "lesson." Good grief...

 

[Buckalew11]

Wait a minute - I'm not stepping anywhere. I'm venting to anonymous strangers on a message board - not calling the other mom for a throwdown about her disciplinary choices. I haven't and won't say a word to her about this, ever.

And yes, you misunderstood what I said. I was using the WDW trip as an example because that's our family's version of a vacation home. We own DVC points so we could go to WDW pretty frequently and it wouldn't seem like such a big deal trip to us, but it might to a kid who doesn't get to go very often. I would never plan a trip then drop another kid because I wanted to teach the other family a "lesson." Good grief...

Sorry, just had to laugh. I had comprehension problems in the past and didn't realize I was in such good company!

It is funny how people are very split on this, isn't it?

I took a teen friend of DD's to WDW with us in March. We'd only known this girl for about 6 months. I met her parents right before the trip! Anyway, we had zero issues from a 15yo and a 17yo. Zero. I'd take this girl with anywhere, anytime. Sometimes you just hope your teens pick good friends. (This is about the post that said no friends ever, family only vacations) They do not all have to terrible or ruined.

 

[livie1205]

I did not say I did not take them because they would FOR SURE be ruined...I said that our vacation is for us...just for family time.If you want to take other peoples kids on vacation I have no issue with it.I really do not want to spend my time looking after someone elses child on my vacation.I take my kids on vacation to spend time alone with THEM...they have the rest of the year to spend time with their friends.
As far as this mom being rude by not letting the girl go I think it is rude to judge someones parenting.It is not like she is abusing the girl...she made a rules and the girl did not follow it,she had to take whatever the punishment the parents choose.I have no problem with a parent putting their foot down and standing by it.The girl must have not had a huge problem with it, she had a great time (from what was posted) .

 

[TwingleMum]

I guess its just me but I support the parents that are being parents and teaching their child that lying is not acceptable. I'm sure that it was not just one instance of lying that caused the parents to institute this depcom level of punishment. Is it unfortunate that your child got disappointed , yes. But its also one of those pesky teaching moments in life " Gee I'm sorry DD that you are disappointed that you can't go to __ vacation house but she lied to her Mommy and that is not acceptable. There are consequences (do we even let our children experience consequences for bad behavior??) to breaking rules.

I would also not hestitate to let my child be friends with this family in fact I would encourage it. Knowing that these parents are monitoring and enforcing good behavior is a big plus in my book. I would worry less knowing that these parents are on the ball and not letting their child rule the roost. Parenting is not the easiest job in the world sometimes you have to make unpopular difficult decisions. Yes they still went on vacation should the whole family be punished because because of one person's bad behavior? No. And believe me as a person who had 6 siblings its a big difference between being allowed to bring a friend and having to go with just family.

I'm sorry you were inconvenienced but I would have called the Mom involved and told her while I and my DD were disappointed I certainly understood that she needed to discipline her DD and I supported her. I would have also added that hopefully in the future my DD would be able to go.

 

[Tink888]

I feel bad for the OP's DD but I'm in the minority who side with the other mother. IMHO, as a parent, I have the right to discipline my child for whatever and however I see fit.

I'm guessing that initially the other mother didn't up and say "hey, how about we bring OP's DD away for the weekend?". Her daughter probably asked for her to come and I'd guess that no matter how much fun the punished girl had that weekend, it still was a bummer not having her friend along. The mother probably didn't see it as "we" extended an invitation to OP's DD and now we're revoking it, but as we allowed our daughter a special privilege, she broke the rules and now we're revoking that privilege from our daughter. The mother wasn't looking at it as we invited this other girl and now we owe her a weekend away. KWIM?

I agree with the other poster who said this really wasn't any different than being invited to a play date or sleepover. The only difference is the size of the "perk".

I'm just kind of surprised how many are calling the other mother a bad-parent, rude and untrustworthy over this. How many of us can honestly say that EVERY time we punish one of our kids, we stop and think about what is convenient or considerate to the OTHER people that might be affected by the punishment? We don't. We think about our child, what they did and how we'll punish THEM.

If my son plays with the same little boy in our neighborhood every day and I ground him for two weeks, would I be a bad parent because the other kid is disappointed because he can't play with my son? And if I invited my friend out to lunch during that time and then have to cancel because I need to watch my son while he's grounded, am I then a bad friend as well for canceling?

The OP's DD was invited as a privilege to her friend. Circumstances changed and the invitation had to be revoked. It stinks for the OP's DD but that's life. People lose out over the actions of others all the time. The only person wrong was the other mom's daughter for not doing what she was told IMHO.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

I guess its just me but I support the parents that are being parents and teaching their child that lying is not acceptable. I'm sure that it was not just one instance of lying that caused the parents to institute this depcom level of punishment. Is it unfortunate that your child got disappointed , yes. But its also one of those pesky teaching moments in life " Gee I'm sorry DD that you are disappointed that you can't go to __ vacation house but she lied to her Mommy and that is not acceptable. There are consequences (do we even let our children experience consequences for bad behavior??) to breaking rules.

I would also not hestitate to let my child be friends with this family in fact I would encourage it. Knowing that these parents are monitoring and enforcing good behavior is a big plus in my book. I would worry less knowing that these parents are on the ball and not letting their child rule the roost. Parenting is not the easiest job in the world sometimes you have to make unpopular difficult decisions. Yes they still went on vacation should the whole family be punished because because of one person's bad behavior? No. And believe me as a person who had 6 siblings its a big difference between being allowed to bring a friend and having to go with just family.

I'm sorry you were inconvenienced but I would have called the Mom involved and told her while I and my DD were disappointed I certainly understood that she needed to discipline her DD and I supported her. I would have also added that hopefully in the future my DD would be able to go.

Also, there is a HUGE difference between asking a friend on a vacation to Disney, whether DVC or not, and inviting a friend over to your own house for the weekend.

I do understand why the OP's daughter would be disappointed since the OP said they don't have access to the perks of the weekend house.

But I would still support the parents 100% in the decision to punish their daughter for lying. It sounds like pretty good parenting to me.

 

[livie1205]

I feel bad for the OP's DD but I'm in the minority who side with the other mother. IMHO, as a parent, I have the right to discipline my child for whatever and however I see fit.

I'm guessing that initially the other mother didn't up and say "hey, how about we bring OP's DD away for the weekend?". Her daughter probably asked for her to come and I'd guess that no matter how much fun the punished girl had that weekend, it still was a bummer not having her friend along. The mother probably didn't see it as "we" extended an invitation to OP's DD and now we're revoking it, but as we allowed our daughter a special privilege, she broke the rules and now we're revoking that privilege from our daughter. The mother wasn't looking at it as we invited this other girl and now we owe her a weekend away. KWIM?

I agree with the other poster who said this really wasn't any different than being invited to a play date or sleepover. The only difference is the size of the "perk".

I'm just kind of surprised how many are calling the other mother a bad-parent, rude and untrustworthy over this. How many of us can honestly say that EVERY time we punish one of our kids, we stop and think about what is convenient or considerate to the OTHER people that might be affected by the punishment? We don't. We think about our child, what they did and how we'll punish THEM.

If my son plays with the same little boy in our neighborhood every day and I ground him for two weeks, would I be a bad parent because the other kid is disappointed because he can't play with my son? And if I invited my friend out to lunch during that time and then have to cancel because I need to watch my son while he's grounded, am I then a bad friend as well for canceling?

The OP's DD was invited as a privilege to her friend. Circumstances changed and the invitation had to be revoked. It stinks for the OP's DD but that's life. People lose out over the actions of others all the time. The only person wrong was the other mom's daughter for not doing what she was told IMHO.

This is 100% what I meant!! I do not think of how it impacts others when I decide on punishment for MY kids.I have to be honest and say I dont give a flip how someone else feels about it! lol I have to do what is best to teach My kids.

 

[Camicar]

This is 100% what I meant!! I do not think of how it impacts others when I decide on punishment for MY kids.I have to be honest and say I dont give a flip how someone else feels about it! lol I have to do what is best to teach My kids.

So one of the lessons you've taught your kids is that it's unimportant how their behavior affects others.

 

[gina2000]

I can think of 25,000 punishments for lying and not cleaning a room that would not affect another child. Had my child done the above, I would have quietly informed her that when we returned from the long weekend, we would be discussing her options. I would never punish the invited guest by uninviting her. It just isn't necessary to uninvite a child and look inconsiderate when there are so many other options available.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

So one of the lessons you've taught your kids is that it's unimportant how their behavior affects others.

I think it's the exact opposite. I believe by punishing her daughter, this mom has taught her child a very valuable lesson about exactly how her behavior affects others.

 

[mjkacmom]

I never implement a punishment that punishes another child. Therefore, I would never uninvite another child, and I would never say my child can no longer do something with another child that we have planned. Why should another child be punished? There are SO many ways I can think to punish my children, extra chores, no TV, no cellphones, etc.

 

[HM]

No, I wouldn't do it. I do think of the person invited along. There would be another punishment for chores not done or lying, not involved with the trip.

 

[ericamanda01]

I think what the mother did was right. Her daughter has to know there are consequences to her actions. Now the op's daughter will see that as well. If you don't follow the rules you pay the price.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I was one who said that I could see myself using this punishment. This girl is going on vacation soon. The parents can't take away that vacation, that would punish the family, too. All they can do is say that she can't take her friend. That's probably a big deal. Sure, this probably won't fix the "refusing to clean up her room" bit, but probably the biggest issue here is the disobedience and probably the brattiness that goes along with it. I am sure the parents don't really care that much about the clean room. They are just trying to raise their daughter right. And even if it won't fix it, you at least have to try, right? You can't just throw up your hands and say..ok, my kid's going to be a brat. Oh well.

And as for the jet ski thing..my kids aren't even teenagers yet and I could see my oldest agreeing with that punishment. Oh, ok, I can refuse to clean my room and all that happens is I don't get to rent jet skis? That's no big deal at all!

sorry if someone already brought this up, but I wanted to quote this and couldn't tell if someone else did too. So it's not okay to punish the family, but it's okay to punish the friend?

Put me in the camp of letting the friend come and thinking of another punishment. I will never do that. You are talking about raising a kid right but you are teaching your kid that's it is okay to back out on a friend at the last minute by this type of punishment.

 

[Chipmunk89]

For me, it would all depend on the child did. I probably wouldn't disinvite the friend, but I would punish her when we got back.

It may seem like a little thing by not doing the chores or the lying. But we don't know if this had been happening frequently. Only that family knows what really happened. Maybe they used the DD getting in trouble as an excuse?

 

[MushyMushy]

sorry if someone already brought this up, but I wanted to quote this and couldn't tell if someone else did too. So it's not okay to punish the family, but it's okay to punish the friend?

Oh yes, it's been addressed. No, it's not okay to punish the child in a way that will inconvenience your own vacation. Don't be silly. It's far better to disappoint someone else's kid.

Sorry for the minor sarcasm, but I'm just blown away that so many people have this attitude. Don't get me wrong, I can see doing it for a very serious infraction, but for general brattiness and a clean room? No, I'd never do that to an innocent kid.