Do you feel some threads try to make you inadequate??

[Brooknwdw]

I really like the budget board. As a "young" early 30's family with young kids, I have really learned alot just from lurking, reading, & rarely posting on money related threads.

I have found (from reading money related threads) that there is a huge range of income levels, etc on the Dis.

I do feel some threads get super personal but I suppose that is because it is a chat board..your idenity is protected.

I will also say that I would never discuss my specific finances in detail with anyone, and I don't ask personal questions about money, either. That includes on a chat board..I don't do that. Wouldn't if I were dirt poor or super rich.

You know that creepy uncomfortable feeling you get when people tell you how much they make, ask you how much you or your husband makes, or even how much a big ticket item costs?? I hate that.
(My FIL is famous for it.."so how much did you fork over for that so & so...".)

To answer the original question, yes, I think a very few posters intend to make others feel inadequate. But the majority of threads I have read in full have been loaded with good info.

 

[DisneyGirl4188]

Naisy68, Excellent post!

I have almost posted to this thread several times and have stopped myself. I do think that there are many people here that do look down on average people with debt.

Some people give their opinions and then when someone gets upset with that information/advice/whatever, they are told that the truth hurts.

Not everyone can get a second job nor can they help where they live. If someone lives in an area where the pay stinks, they are told to look at moving elsewhere. Well, if they are already having money issues, that's not the best advice. They are told to get another, better paying job or a second job. This isn't always possible.

People are routinely chastised for having credit card debt. Of course, everyone wants to be debt free, but that isn't a reality for some. People come looking for advice and they get it, good and bad. Usually though, the discussion moves from giving advice to "well, I make a six figure income, have no debt at all, this much savings, blah, blah, blah". How is that helpful?

I think SAHMs have an tough job and they should be proud of what they do.

 

[kinntj]

Like 1 post said, I sometimes question whether people elaborate a bit to make others feel inadequate.



Don't know what the statistics are, but a good percentage of drug behavior, sex, etc happens after school when parents aren't home. I'd prefer to take any steps possible to make that not happen to my family.


Let me just say that I went to the market and forgot I posted this. I nearly fell off my seat when I saw all the views on this thread!!

I'm not so sure of this, but maybe it's the way things are discussed. You have to take everything on the internet with a grain of salt.

I agree with this and this is why I'm a SAHM. Even when I start to work in a few years, I plan to work part time when the children are in classes. I plan on being there when they come home from school.

Amazing what attention this kind of thread makes and it's been discussed before.

 

[jmpellet]

I know this board is anonymous but you know the old saying "those that have money rarely talk about it." It's the one who talk that are likely over-inflating their worth and like to hear themselves talk...

 

[LSUDis]

Thank you, Moderator, for taking a reasonable approach to this thread instead of locking it.

I work on this philosophy: Think of all of the rich people who are dead...wouldn't they give EVERYTHING they ever earned to have just ONE of your days? or would you sell one of your legs for a million dollars? Then, you ARE rich; you are worth a million dollars. Envy/worry just wastes the time that we have. We never know what is going on in other people's lives--just go read the short poem "Richard Cory" by E.A. Robinson.

Besides, most people work during their retirement anyway because they have more to give, they get bored, they just want to. My parents have both retired with good retirements, continual health coverage, kids grown, no morgage and, guess what? They are BOTH back working--my mother--fulltime!

Think of Sam Walton and his old, beat-up truck. It's like that old saying, "If you have to tell someone that you are in charge, then, guess what, you're not."

SAHM (by the way, I thought that this was someone who worked at the Haunted Mansion ) your kids are young only once--this is time that you NEVER get back. In my opinion, if you can stay home and want to, find a way to do it (and I'm NOT a SAHM; I went back to work when my DD was 4 weeks old, so I know all about missing things).

These boards are all about helping--not condemning, judging, or bragging. You can give advice w/o sharing your net worth, etc.

Okay, I'm done...anybody have any chocolate?

 

[Shanan]

I do read the budget board almost daily - not so much the WDW boards. I have learned interesting things and it has helped make me more goal oriented then I used to be. Do I balance my checkbook out every month to the penny? No, although I got lots of advice that I should do that. Am I now trying to contribute more to 401K & IRA account? Yes. Are there some months that it is very "tight" for us? Yes. Everybody has different circumstances. DH works where he does not receive any benefits at all but he loves his job. I work in large corporation so that we can have insurance and other benefits while I sign up for 401K. My car is paid for & DH has a truck payment. If DH worked where he received benefits, especially health insurance that we could get, would I quit my job? YES! However, we do not have kids. Why? Because I cannot have kids & DH does not want to adopt at this late day. Would I give up some of my financial breathing room to have kids? Yes. As I said before, everybody has different circumstances in their life. I think it is great that you are a SAHM. Continue to read the boards as help for goals & budgeting. When someone posts something that you might think is judgmental or negative, the poster might have something going on in his/her life that you just don't know about.

 

[StephMK]

I choose not to think someone would intentionally make anyone else feel inadequate on here but there are definitely threads where it's harder to read. Sometimes I read & *gulp* when I compare ourselves to others but that's my issue & some guilt about being home. We are definitely behind in savings but every time I think I should bite the bullet & start making more $, I can't find a job that makes me want to change our lives yet. We were not great money managers in the past and now have made some lifestyle choices that put us behind our age group in some ways. Other than wishing we had been better w/our spending, I wouldn't change the family choices we've made so I guess that's our tradeoff. I'm ultimately fine w/it but yeah, I do feel that twinge when I read some of the financial threads.

 

[Gillian]

It's nice to know there are some "regular" people here on the budget board! Ones who owe some money, don't have huge retirement plans, and who might not be able to fund an Ivy League education for all (or any) of their children!

I believe most of us are working to improve our financial situations, or we wouldn't be reading the Budget Board. But not everyone is perfect, and I think that it's important to balance your life/work/savings accounts.

 

[formernyer]

I don't think anybody is trying to make you feel inadequate. If not saving as much money as other people bothers you, then get a job.

Some people work by choice and make a ton of money.

Some people work by necessity and make a decent living.

Some people work hard and manage their money responsibly, but don't make enough money to ever get rich.

Some people choose to not work and, therefore, have less savings than those who work.

Some people hold a steady job, but live above their means and never get ahead.

Some people are lazy, don't work, and live off of the system.

Life is all about choices. Make the choices that are right for you and don't worry about what other people are doing.

(Admittedly, I can't help but remain angered by the irresponsible people who spend above their means, live off credit cards, default on payments, and cost the responsible people like me more money in the long run, but that's an entirely different topic).

To those of you who felt the need to attack my post and considered it offensive, ignorant, etc., I'll follow it up with some further comments.

My main point is that life is about choices. Nobody comes to these boards to brag about being rich, but some people most certainly have more money than others. Some people will argue that for whatever reason they can't make a lot of money (normally the reason is that they couldn't afford college or something). Well it doesn't take a college education in order to be successful...all it takes is ambition. To some people, success is measured by financial worth. If this is your way of thinking, then find a way to make it work for you. Other people measure success by personal happiness, being with their family more often, etc. If that's your goal, then make it work. Only you have the ability to CHOOSE your outcome in life and there's no sense in feeling bad, inadequate, or jealous because other people have more than you. There's always going to be somebody out there who is in a better position, but what's the sense in dwelling on that?

Here's my personal story, for those of you who seem to think that I was looking down on SAHMs:

I graduated college at 22 and accepted a great job which I held for 11 years. I lived on Long Island all of my life, but the weather was too cold, the cost of living was too high, and I wanted to raise my kids in a different environment. I transferred to TN (working the same job), which is a fairly low-income state and I was making six figures...by TN standards, that is a LOT of money. My dream from the time I was a child was to be a SAHM, but my (now-ex) husband was making a LOT less money than I did, so it made sense for him to be the one to stay home with the kids. We could have had more money if we kept the kids in daycare and he continued to work, but we believed it would be better for the kids to attend a part-time preschool program and have a full-time parent at home.

When my kids were 6 and 7 I made a HUGE decision and quit my job in order to stay home with the kids full-time (my ex returned to work and made less than 1/2 the amount I was making at my job). For me, the increased time with my children was more important than the money I could have been earning if I stayed with my job.

I sold on eBay as a hobby for many years, but once I got divorced 2.5 years ago I needed to make "real" money to pay the bills. I didn't want to return to work and I chose to take nothing more than minimal child support payments from my ex. The answer for me was to turn my eBay hobby into a real job. Anyone can do this...it's not rocket science, doesn't require a college degree, and can be done from home. I work only part-time hours and I clear much a higher hourly rate than what I was making when I worked my real job; however, the overall dollar amount that I make in a year is lower than what I used to make. For me, this was the most perfect and logical choice and I don't feel "inadequate" for choosing family over money. If, on the other hand, playing "keep up with the Joneses" was important to me, I would return to the workplace, increase my eBay hours, or find another means to increase my salary.

I don't look down on people who choose to work full-time and put their kids in daycare. I don't look down on SAHMs who sacrifice earnings for time with their families. I don't look down on people who work low-income jobs, but live responsibly and are happy with their lifestyles. I don't envy people who make more money than I do. I'm only concerned with what works for me and for my family. What's right for me isn't right for everybody else.

I'm sorry if many of you think my original post seemed harsh, but it wasn't meant to make people feel bad (other than the deadbeats who I commented about at the very end). My only point was that the OP (and anybody else out there who agrees with the OP) shouldn't feel bad just because other people have more money than they do. If being a SAHM and working part-time is the best option for your family, then by all means that is what you should be doing; however, if you feel inadequate for not making enough money, then perhaps it isn't necessarily the choice that you really want.

Once again, my point is that everybody makes different choices in life and it's silly to compare yourself to other people and feel inadequate. One man may choose to put $30,000 into savings, another may spend $30,000 to adopt a child, and a third man might blow the entire $30,000 on vacations, electronics, and booze. Everyone has different priorities. If you are happy with your choices, then don't feel inadequate just because somebody else made different choices. If you are unhappy with your choices, then take steps to change them.

 

[Goobergal99]

To those of you who felt the need to attack my post and considered it offensive, ignorant, etc., I'll follow it up with some further comments.

My main point is that life is about choices. Nobody comes to these boards to brag about being rich, but some people most certainly have more money than others. Some people will argue that for whatever reason they can't make a lot of money (normally the reason is that they couldn't afford college or something). Well it doesn't take a college education in order to be successful...all it takes is ambition. To some people, success is measured by financial worth. If this is your way of thinking, then find a way to make it work for you. Other people measure success by personal happiness, being with their family more often, etc. If that's your goal, then make it work. Only you have the ability to CHOOSE your outcome in life and there's no sense in feeling bad, inadequate, or jealous because other people have more than you. There's always going to be somebody out there who is in a better position, but what's the sense in dwelling on that?

Here's my personal story, for those of you who seem to think that I was looking down on SAHMs:

I graduated college at 22 and accepted a great job which I held for 11 years. I lived on Long Island all of my life, but the weather was too cold, the cost of living was too high, and I wanted to raise my kids in a different environment. I transferred to TN (working the same job), which is a fairly low-income state and I was making six figures...by TN standards, that is a LOT of money. My dream from the time I was a child was to be a SAHM, but my (now-ex) husband was making a LOT less money than I did, so it made sense for him to be the one to stay home with the kids. We could have had more money if we kept the kids in daycare and he continued to work, but we believed it would be better for the kids to attend a part-time preschool program and have a full-time parent at home.

When my kids were 6 and 7 I made a HUGE decision and quit my job in order to stay home with the kids full-time (my ex returned to work and made less than 1/2 the amount I was making at my job). For me, the increased time with my children was more important than the money I could have been earning if I stayed with my job.

I sold on eBay as a hobby for many years, but once I got divorced 2.5 years ago I needed to make "real" money to pay the bills. I didn't want to return to work and I chose to take nothing more than minimal child support payments from my ex. The answer for me was to turn my eBay hobby into a real job. Anyone can do this...it's not rocket science, doesn't require a college degree, and can be done from home. I work only part-time hours and I clear much a higher hourly rate than what I was making when I worked my real job; however, the overall dollar amount that I make in a year is lower than what I used to make. For me, this was the most perfect and logical choice and I don't feel "inadequate" for choosing family over money. If, on the other hand, playing "keep up with the Joneses" was important to me, I would return to the workplace, increase my eBay hours, or find another means to increase my salary.

I don't look down on people who choose to work full-time and put their kids in daycare. I don't look down on SAHMs who sacrifice earnings for time with their families. I don't look down on people who work low-income jobs, but live responsibly and are happy with their lifestyles. I don't envy people who make more money than I do. I'm only concerned with what works for me and for my family. What's right for me isn't right for everybody else.

I'm sorry if many of you think my original post seemed harsh, but it wasn't meant to make people feel bad (other than the deadbeats who I commented about at the very end). My only point was that the OP (and anybody else out there who agrees with the OP) shouldn't feel bad just because other people have more money than they do. If being a SAHM and working part-time is the best option for your family, then by all means that is what you should be doing; however, if you feels inadequate for not making enough money, then perhaps it isn't necessarily the choice that you really want.

Once again, my point is that everybody makes different choices in life and it's silly to compare yourself to other people and feel inadequate. One man may choose to put $30,000 into savings, another may spend $30,000 to adopt a child, and a third man might blow the entire $30,000 on vacations, electronics, and booze. Everyone has different priorities. If you are happy with your choices, then don't feel inadequate just because somebody else made different choices. If you are unhappy with your choices, then take steps to change them.

I didn't think you had anything to apologize for.... Personally I don't care how ppl choose to spend there money nor how much they have. I also don't mond sharing how much I have and if ppl are offended by that then I only assume they have their own insecurities

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Personally I don't care how ppl choose to spend there money nor how much they have. I also don't mond sharing how much I have and if ppl are offended by that then I only assume they have their own insecurities

I'm beginning to think I don't understand the human psyche at all. I truly don't care about anyone else's financial situation in the least. Let me phrase that..... I don't care to know how much money anyone has. It does break my heart to see people down on their luck & kids going without the things that most kids take for granted. So I care emotionally for those less fortunate, but I don't care in a nosy way. I always felt that those who feel the need to share such personal info. were the ones with the insecurities. It's like they're overcompensating for something. It could be that they were poor when they were growing up, or they were unpopular in school & felt inadequate, or the people closest to them don't truly care about them, etc. They need something to make them feel better about themselves. I've never seen sharing personal info. with others, esp. strangers, as being a sign that one is secure with themselves. In fact, I've seen it as the exact opposite. It's as if this is their way of trying to fit in. Perhaps, I feel that way, because all the people I know personally who like to share everything with the world are all overcompensating for reasons that I am aware of.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Lorikr,

I stopped reading a lot of threads on this board b/c I was reading them as people bragging about what they have and how smart they are. I am an attorney, but I do not work in private practice, so I am not rolling in money. My husband was recently laid off. I wish we had more money to invest right now, but we don't. Thank God for my 401(k) and the fact that we have no kids (yet). Now, I kind of skip over most threads where people are asking about financial advice. It's better for my blood pressure.

Ditto. I don't read the threads anymore. I think dot.com yuppies, physicians, etc. should be embarrassed to come to budget boards to brag about their savings, and the condescension seems quite intentional to me.

 

[danjoealexis3006]

I look at it this way...
1. My husband has work (many don't here in MI)
2. We can make our bills by not living outside our means allowing us to save and enjoy a trip to Disney.
3. We have food and a warm place to live.
4. Things could be much worse!

We are very fortunate because I know there are many around us who aren't so lucky. I consider myself lucky to stay home with my kids because many moms HAVE to work and its tough for them. Sure, we all want bigger savings accounts and longer trips to Disney. This is what makes us human. I to am a SAHM and I know we would be much futher ahead if I worked but you cann't put a price on the time spent with your children. Just do the best you can for YOUR family and in the end your children will thank you for the sacrifice you made with all those kisses, hugs, and knowing your there for them. Enjoy your family and all your memories at Disney with them.

 

[summerrluvv]

Ditto. I don't read the threads anymore. I think dot.com yuppies, physicians, etc. should be embarrassed to come to budget boards to brag about their savings, and the condescension seems quite intentional to me.

ITA. I skip those threads now It reminds me of grade school recess when the kids used to brag that their toys were better

 

[Lorikr65]

My only point was that the OP (and anybody else out there who agrees with the OP) shouldn't feel bad just because other people have more money than they do.

My point is missed again!! I'm not saying anyone feels inadequate, I'm saying some people try to make others feel that way. I DO NOT FEEL INADEQUATE OR QUESTION MY CHOICES. How does anyone know how much money my family makes/inherited/owes/spends, etc. I don't put a survey up and asked "so, how much have you inherited/made/owe/spend so far?" You don't know that I didn't decide to stay at home because I won the lottery. I could have $1 million invested somewhere (I don't )! My point is that unfortunately some people, whether they are lying or telling the truth, like to come to these boards and brag about what they have (whether it's real or imaged) and in the process I'm sure there are people who read it and say "am I the only one who will be working in my retirement". I opened this thread so the people working in their retirement will know they are not alone. Will I be working in my retirement? I'm not sure. As we all saw in the 90's, investments aren't as secure as we'd like to think - everyone saw their investments go down. So some people who didn't think they would be working in their retirement are.

As we saw from a few posts, things can happen to you through no fault of your own (death, accidents). Be careful who you look down on because someday you may become them.

 

[mking624]

I think some people need to tread very carefully here by not assuming someone is insecure or unhappy with choices because of how they feel or could feel about something. Because honestly, the same thing could be said about those who are sharing financial information...that they are insecure and need to prove themselves. Now I don't know any of you personally so I can't say where everyone is coming from...that's why it's better not to assume. I really think that's crossing into unnecessary territory.

 

[pearlieq]

Ditto. I don't read the threads anymore. I think dot.com yuppies, physicians, etc. should be embarrassed to come to budget boards to brag about their savings, and the condescension seems quite intentional to me.

This bothers me. Why so hostile? Why the need for name-calling? (I seriously don't think you mean "dot.com yuppies in any kind of affectionate sense...). Why are these people of any less value than anyone else? Why make it "us vs. them"

I don't think it's fair to label talking about financial issues as "bragging". Some people are comfortable talking about money, and some people aren't. I don't think saying, "I have X in savings" is bragging. That's sharing information and it's not different than saying "I have green eyes". Saying "I have X in savings and that makes me better than you" would be bragging, but I haven't seen that. If you're not comfortable discussing finances, move on to another thread. But no need to take potshots at people who are.

I'm constantly amazed how much vitrol is spewed at people who are doing well financially. Ever since the great "holier that thou" debacle I've felt less and less welcome here. I find I'm visiting less and participating less, because it's just not enjoyable anymore and I don't feel like getting attacked. It's really a shame, because this used to be such a nice place to be...

 

[BethR]

Ever since the great "holier that thou" debacle I've felt less and less welcome here. I find I'm visiting less and participating less, because it's just not enjoyable anymore and I don't feel like getting attacked. It's really a shame, because this used to be such a nice place to be...

Now this make ME sad, since I have felt that ever since the "holier than thou debacle," people have been more thoughtful about how they word comments, questions, and information so as not to make anyone feel unwelcome here.

Truly, I don't know that I read posts on this board where people purposely post to make others feel small or themselves feel big. I think that some threads are posted to

1. Provide information.
2. Gain information.

I don't think that anyone posts in order to look down their noses at anyone.

I will say that in the past whenever people have posted about financial problems, some people would post things less than kindly about how the OP could, can, should, make things better in their lives. In these same threads, But in recent months, I think that people have really been thoughtful about thinking of others feelings before posting.

We do try very hard to keep things friendly here and I am sorry that some of you feel that it is not that way on the Budget Board.

Sounds like these continue to be areas we need to work on.

 

[BethR]

I'm not saying anyone feels inadequate, I'm saying some people try to make others feel that way.

Lori I have to respectfully disagree with you. Believe me, I would NEVER consider myself in amoung the "Haves" on this board, but truthfully, I do not feel that anyone posts to this board purposely to make others feel inadequate. I am sorry that you feel this way.

 

[tinker&belle]

Ditto. I don't read the threads anymore. I think dot.com yuppies, physicians, etc. should be embarrassed to come to budget boards to brag about their savings, and the condescension seems quite intentional to me.

This doesn't really seem fair. Why would someone who has a good job/financial security not be interested in budgeting? Usually, they are budgeters and that is how they got that way. For the record, my husband and I are starting out and are not in above said group, but I like to hear ideas from those who are financially secure. I grew up in a household with a single mother. I had to use my part time job money in high school to cover necessities, sometimes even groceries and to sometimes pay for my own health insurance if mom couldn't swing it at the time. I never had a solid financial role model to look to, so I enjoy listening to others success so that I may someday be as such.