Do you feel some threads try to make you inadequate??

[Va-bear]

I think Formernyer makes a good point about choices.....it is a choice you made.

I think the big point is to REALY REALLY beleive in what you do and then other cant "make" you feel anything....

Dont you think people try to make full-time working moms feel bad? They do, trust me.....but it is the fully right thing for me (I actually believe staying at home sends a poor message to our kids; especially our daughters....which I say to point out we all have strong beliefs and thats FINE!)

So beleive in what you do and you'll be fine!! And as for others TRYING to make someone feel inadequate - you can't pay attention to that - mean spirits are eveywhere.

 

[Lorikr65]

Why are these people of any less value than anyone else? Why make it "us vs. them"

That is precisely the problem - why is there an "us" and a "them", and where does the line exist. Could there also be an education line and a kindness line?? I personally think that people who are kind to others and show emphathy, etc are making a larger contribution in society than those that pull in a larger paycheck.

I've always worked in the medical field. I don't like to pigeon hole people, but I've seen a large percentage of doctors who have a "better than you" attitude. I've also seen a few who were kind and compassionate. Unfortunately the kind and compassionate get stepped on by the "better than you".

I do not have any financial issues and I am secure where I am in life. I try to be kind to others and share when I can. I guess I posted because when people gauge their value in life by how much they make/have than it knocks down or belittles all the other traits we have as human beings. I'm not saying anyone on this board is like this, but I worked for a doctor who grew up poor. Now he owns his practice and feels since he makes a good living he is entitled to anything he wants, whether he has to walk over someone else to get it, and he looks down on the exact people that he grew up with. It's just a shame. You'd think he would have compassion for those people since he was once there.

I'm sorry I stirred the pot a bit , but I'm sure it felt good for some people to get things off their chest, and maybe some of these posts (I can think of 2 in particular) got others to think twice.

 

[DawnM]

I have been both.....a working mom and a SAHM (for 18 months now). There were always people on both sides to try to make others feel bad. Or we take it bad because we are vulnerable at that point (I think that has happened to me. As soon as I feel I need to "justify" my decision I know I have crossed the line within myself of starting to feel vulnerable!)

I am not sure I agree about the sending a bad message BUT I am a female and my Mom was a SAHM. My parents BOTH still firmly instilled in me that it was expected for me to finish college and have a career of some sort. My dad was very firm about making sure that I understood that I needed to have a way to support myself and/or my family because "you just never know what life holds." We knew women who had such a difficult time when their husbands died, got seriously ill or couldn't work anymore due to an accident or whatever.

Dawn

I think Formernyer makes a good point about choices.....it is a choice you made.

I think the big point is to REALY REALLY beleive in what you do and then other cant "make" you feel anything....

Dont you think people try to make full-time working moms feel bad? They do, trust me.....but it is the fully right thing for me (I actually believe staying at home sends a poor message to our kids; especially our daughters....which I say to point out we all have strong beliefs and thats FINE!)

So beleive in what you do and you'll be fine!! And as for others TRYING to make someone feel inadequate - you can't pay attention to that - mean spirits are eveywhere.

 

[disneynutt1225]

(Admittedly, I can't help but remain angered by the irresponsible people who spend above their means, live off credit cards, default on payments, and cost the responsible people like me more money in the long run, but that's an entirely different topic).

Well, I certainly hope you're never in a situation where you HAVE to live above your means, default on payments, and "cost responsble people" more money in the long run. Sometimes it's hard to make ends meet when you're rent is too high, you've lost your job and in order to eat you have to charge it on a credit card. Then, you can't afford to pay the credit card in full so you GASP carry a balance.

Lori, I know exactly what you mean. I have stopped reading a majority of the threads when they get a little too preachy for my own comfort.

 

[DawnM]

I am married to an accountant.....need I say more????

My Texan friend says accountants' wallets are "tighter than a bulls' *ss durin' fly season!"

I thought that was pretty well said!

I am staying at home now. We could not really have done that when we lived in CA.

We are living (literally) on half of what we used to make. DH and I have always made similar salaries. He is the one who pushed me to stay at home.

We have had to make huge sacrifices for me to stay home. We are ok with that. We live on a budget now! No Starbucks and not much eating out anymore. No retail shopping and no new toys (ie: electronic gagets).

Some people may look at us as inadequate. I look at it as smart living!

Dawn

 

[perdidobay]

I learn something from most every post I read on the Budget board... nothing makes me feel inadequate...... I know some people have more than me... I know some people have less than me..... that's life... it's all relative.

Soak up the Sun

My friend the communist
Holds meetings in his RV
I can't afford his gas
So I'm stuck here watching tv
I don't have digital
I don't have diddly squat

It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got

I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna soak up the sun

I've got a crummy job
It don't pay near enough
To buy the things it takes
To win me some of your love
Every time I turn around
I'm looking up, you're looking down
Maybe something's wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do
Maybe I am crazy to


I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up

I'm gonna soak up the sun
While it's still free
I'm gonna soak up the sun
Before it goes out on me

Don't have no master suite
But I'm still the king of me
You have a fancy ride, but baby
I'm the one who has the key
Every time I turn around
I'm looking up, you're looking down
Maybe something's wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do
Maybe I am crazy too

I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up

I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up

I'm gonna soak up the sun
Got my 45 on
So I can rock on

 

[BethR]

I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up

Sounds like a good philosophy for all of us!

 

[Va-bear]

I am not sure I agree about the sending a bad message BUT I am a female and my Mom was a SAHM. My parents BOTH still firmly instilled in me that it was expected for me to finish college and have a career of some sort. My dad was very firm about making sure that I understood that I needed to have a way to support myself and/or my family because "you just never know what life holds." We knew women who had such a difficult time when their husbands died, got seriously ill or couldn't work anymore due to an accident or whatever.
Dawn

I think what your parents instilled in you follows a bit of my thinking. Women need to be able to support themselves FULLY. Besides the situations you mentioned there's the caes like my neighbor - wonderful churchgoing family, 3 sweet kids, "great" dad (really, he seemed SO attentive and sweet) - then he just left one day. No one expects it. Besides we all are PEOPLE and shouldn't HAVE to rely on others (that we do is loving and great...but we need to all be take care of ourselves.) My thoughts and thanks for yours!

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Now this make ME sad, since I have felt that ever since the "holier than thou debacle," people have been more thoughtful about how they word comments, questions, and information so as not to make anyone feel unwelcome here.

ITA that the tone on this board has changed tremendously in the last few months. Those that I used to completely ignore have been much more polite & helpful, & I've noticed & appreciated it. Of course, there's a very few that IMHO still need some work.

I choose to ignore the threads asking for personal info, because I'm not into sharing that type of info with anyone but my DH. Definitely, not with strangers. I'm also not the least bit interested in reading threads on the finances of the population as a whole. There's nothing I can do about how others spend their money, so why waste time discussing it with those who also have no control over it. At least, those threads are now clearly identified, & this type of info is rarely interjected into other threads now. That works for me.

I do want to add that there is one member on here who I think may be a doctor. I have no way of knowing for certain, but that's what I've surmised by reading between the lines. This particular person is one of the most helpful, & by all appearances, humble members of this board. The BB wouldn't be the same w/o him, so I'm not ready to run off all drs. quite yet.

 

[DawnM]

Oh, I hope we aren't running off doctors! My dad is a doctor and is one of the most humble and gentle men you will ever meet. BTW: He did so much charity work (mostly going overseas) that we never were rich by any means. To him, service to others was creating far more weath than money ever could. He has been richly blessed, even if not financially.

Dawn

ITA that the tone on this board has changed tremendously in the last few months. Those that I used to completely ignore have been much more polite & helpful, & I've noticed & appreciated it. Of course, there's a very few that IMHO still need some work.

I choose to ignore the threads asking for personal info, because I'm not into sharing that type of info with anyone but my DH. Definitely, not with strangers. I'm also not the least bit interested in reading threads on the finances of the population as a whole. There's nothing I can do about how others spend their money, so why waste time discussing it with those who also have no control over it. At least, those threads are now clearly identified, & this type of info is rarely interjected into other threads now. That works for me.

I do want to add that there is one member on here who I think may be a doctor. I have no way of knowing for certain, but that's what I've surmised by reading between the lines. This particular person is one of the most helpful, & by all appearances, humble members of this board. The BB wouldn't be the same w/o him, so I'm not ready to run off all drs. quite yet.

 

[Gillian]

Dont you think people try to make full-time working moms feel bad? They do, trust me.....but it is the fully right thing for me (I actually believe staying at home sends a poor message to our kids; especially our daughters....which I say to point out we all have strong beliefs and thats FINE!)

So believe in what you do and you'll be fine!! And as for others TRYING to make someone feel inadequate - you can't pay attention to that - mean spirits are eveywhere.

It's sad but true that people look down on both working moms AND stay at home moms! Of course they are different people, but there is always someone ready to criticize our choices.

It's hard to be confident sometimes, especially when you've made a difficult choice. Let's all try to support each other, in whatever we choose.

 

[Gillian]

I've had to see a lot of doctors lately, and they're just like everyone else. Some good, some bad, some you want to kick, and some you want to hug.

 

[BethR]

I do want to add that there is one member on here who I think may be a doctor. I have no way of knowing for certain, but that's what I've surmised by reading between the lines. This particular person is one of the most helpful, & by all appearances, humble members of this board. The BB wouldn't be the same w/o him, so I'm not ready to run off all drs. quite yet.

He is. He does not hide it. And I totally agree!

 

[Lorikr65]

Let me clarify that I am definately not bashing doctors. Like someone else said, they are like everyone else, some good, some bad, etc. My personal experience has been in the medical field so that's why I used that as an example. Believe me, I have worked for doctors that I love and would choose as my own doctor if I hadn't worked with them. The orthodontist my daughter goes to has done tons for the community. His staff would say he's a perfectionist and may get a bit impatient at times, but that is what makes him good at what he does.

I recently worked for an Oncologist and he was great! In his early 30's. I told him to never lose his sense of humor or be like other docs (he knew who in the office I meant!). I told him he was a pleasure to work with, could be a bit anal! He agreed but then said that in his line of work he has to be - which is totally true.

I only brought up the doctor thing because of the story I was trying to tell. You find those kind of people in every profession, probably even SAHMs!!

 

[dvcgirl]

This bothers me. Why so hostile? Why the need for name-calling? (I seriously don't think you mean "dot.com yuppies in any kind of affectionate sense...). Why are these people of any less value than anyone else? Why make it "us vs. them"

I don't think it's fair to label talking about financial issues as "bragging". Some people are comfortable talking about money, and some people aren't. I don't think saying, "I have X in savings" is bragging. That's sharing information and it's not different than saying "I have green eyes". Saying "I have X in savings and that makes me better than you" would be bragging, but I haven't seen that. If you're not comfortable discussing finances, move on to another thread. But no need to take potshots at people who are.

I'm constantly amazed how much vitrol is spewed at people who are doing well financially. Ever since the great "holier that thou" debacle I've felt less and less welcome here. I find I'm visiting less and participating less, because it's just not enjoyable anymore and I don't feel like getting attacked. It's really a shame, because this used to be such a nice place to be...

I agree, the post you referred wasn't fair. Implying that physicians and anyone who makes a decent income and is a saver shouldn't talk about their financial lives. Some of us are personal finance junkies around here. We read about it a whole lot, discuss different investment options, different savings strategies....ways to trim our budgets. Where's the harm in that? It always amazes me that people can talk about the most intimate areas of their lives openly with friends, family....even on the internet. But Money is the last taboo topic.

I was raised in a family where finances was an open book.....there were no secrets. My parents openly discussed finances with all of us. And we operate like that to this day. I have no idea why the OP would feel inadequate with respect to her own situation because she stays home with the kids and has consequently saved less than she'd like for retirement. Or maybe she's saved as much as she can but it isn't what others have. So what? Why on earth would it bother you if there are some around here who are on track with respect to retirement savings? We all make conscious choices which affect our lives. As long as you are happy, why the big fuss?

 

[NCRedding]

The OP has said repeatedly that she doesn't feel inadequate. Her question was (to paraphrase): Do you feel there are some posters here who post things to make others feel inadequate?

IMHO, yes, there are posters here who post in an attempt to make others feel inadequate. I do feel it has gotten some better since the "holier than thou" comments.

 

[btass]

Only you can make yourself feel inadequate.

 

[Lorikr65]

I have no idea why the OP would feel inadequate with respect to her own situation because she stays home with the kids and has consequently saved less than she'd like for retirement. Or maybe she's saved as much as she can but it isn't what others have. So what? Why on earth would it bother you if there are some around here who are on track with respect to retirement savings? We all make conscious choices which affect our lives. As long as you are happy, why the big fuss?

Please re-read my posts - once again, I DO NOT FEEL INADEQUATE!! That's not the point. I may have just what I need for retirement, being a SAHM has nothing to do with it. I worked for a while, left my job to be at home with my children for a few years and when they both were in school full time (this year), I went back to work part time. I recently quit my job to be with them during the summer and may or may not return to work in September. Fortunately for me my husband has a job where he can work as much overtime as he wants and it was easy for him to make up for my salary.

Giving financial advice is one thing, and it's great, but bragging and, in the process, making others feel below you is another. It's like the person that has to make others feel bad in order to make themselves feel better. Believe me, this is not everyone and probably only a small percentage but I see it in the posts of people who are looking for financial advice and they get beaten up!

I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Just because someone is on welfare doesn't mean they are just living off the system. Perhaps they were happily married with 3 kids, are pregnant for a 4th time, husband up and leaves paying no child support. Maybe welfare is needed and is a bridge to the next phase in their life (which is what I believe it was intended to be when put in place).

Fortuantely most got my point.

 

[gina2000]

I'm pretty immune to "holier art thou" posts. For the most part, people have different opportunities, different blessings and different priorities. And people have different life experiences which mold how they choose to live their lives. No one way is right. And no one way will produce universal happiness or guarantee an easy life and/or retirement.

When people speak of their priorities and how they've achieved them, I often stop and wonder if I would give up X in order to be in their position. Most times the answer is absolutely not. Probably all the time because I can't think of one instance where I've regretted the things I've done.

I choose wisely according to what I have, what I want and where I want to be in the future. Those choices may fall short of future goal attainment but I also may be hit by a car tomorrow. It's a balance between living and existing.

 

[emh1129]

More power to all of you SAHM's! In the long run, that will be worth far more than any financial guru's advice you'll ever see on this board.