Do you feel some threads try to make you inadequate??

[barbeml]

DH and I are doing just fine, but I get really inspired by the folks who are doing amazingly well AND the folks who are working hard to do better.

If you are making good choices that are right for you, there is no reason to feel inadequate.

Most of the stories here are not about people who had the easy life handed to them, but about folks who make smart choices and and live with personal responsibility and discipline. We can all learn and/or gain reinforcement from these posts, whether we consider them "bragging" or not. I know I feel passionate about living below your means because I know what the rewards are...and I wish everyone could toss the debt monkey off their backs.

The problem in America today seems to be that everyone watches TV and believes the Madison Avenue message that you should buy buy buy because "You're worth it!" and if you don't max out your credit cards on a lifestyle you can't afford, you're worthless. Trying to make you feel inadequate is what advertising is all about.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I tend to skip the preachy threads. I can usually tell from the title or OP which ones those will be.

I do think some people like to boast around here, but it's to help all the little people, right.

 

[Stein]

We gave up $35,000 a year to have my wife stay at home with our daughter. Basically, we took a 40% cut in pay and assumed greater expenses at the same time. Over 18 years, that is a boatload of money, but it is worth every penny. We are now living with less and trying to make the most out of what we have.

We recently decided to improve our situation, debt wise, but everybody is different. Good advice and constructive feedback are out there, as well as preaching and talking down. Skip the bad and listen to the good.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

No one should have to apologize for having money.

I think everyone on here would agree with that. Noone should feel the need to share their personal finances with others either.

I have a very close relative that likes to remind everyone how much they have in savings, life insurance, etc., & let everyone within earshot know how much they're leaving their children. We also know every item they've bought for anyone else, & anything they've done for them. They also like to talk about the numerous places they plan to visit. It's kind of sad, because they're also the one who sends people running when they enter a room. Noone wants to hear them rehash their skewed perception of their self worth. Most of the attention they get is from being talked about behind their back. There's no point in trying to kindly tell them what the problem may be, because they enjoy hearing about others personal finances & think everyone does. The thing they don't realize is that only those very few who do this type of thing want to hear it. The vast majority of people think they're a joke.

I also have relatives & friends with much more money than the above relative, but they never feel the need to share such info. They are a joy for everyone to associate with, & think those few obnoxious people need to get a clue.

I suppose there may be a miniscule number people who find them annoying, because they're jealous. On the most part, that's not true. The accusation of jealousy is more of a way for the offenders to justify why people aren't interested in what they have to say. I suppose it makes them feel better to think that. For me personally, I could say I'm jealous of 2 types of people, but I would be saying it tongue in cheek. I really don't like those people who have front row, center court seats at the Tarheels games. That should be me!!! Also, those who eat like pigs & don't gain weight. It's just not fair, I tell ya!

 

[kfeuer]

Do I feel inadequate around here? Not really. We also gave up alot of income when I started working part-time when my children came along. It's a choice we made and I'll never regret spending this time with my boys while I had the chance.

What this board HAS done is made me take a hard look at our long-term financial picture. I've gotten much more serious about our long-range plans. In fact, DH and I are now planning to buy the insurance agency I work for when the owners retire in 5 years or so (they don't want money up front, just a certain percentage of earnings over a few years). They had offered it to me before and I'd always turned them down, but I've realized it's a golden opportunity to secure our future. Barring something unforeseen, we'll be able to increase our income AND save alot of money for retirement.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I use the information here as inspiration. In fact, it was a thread on this board about how small business owners often make quite good money that got me thinking about the whole purchase deal!

 

[Lorikr65]

I think some people may have missed my point. I don't feel inadequate - I worked full-time for 16 years, I stay at home now but do part-time transcription for a relative who is a doctor, so I do make a paycheck. I don't need college funds for my children because luckily my father planned for that for all of his grandchildren.

Like 1 post said, I sometimes question whether people elaborate a bit to make others feel inadequate. I have a friend who has a $3 million trust fund and the last thing she would talk about is money and the last thing from her mind is making others feel below her. I just thought I would let those people who may have different choices know that not everyone has hundreds of thousands in savings and 401K and college funds. I most definately don't feel inadequate to anyone. I choose to stay at home and yes, I could get a job if I wanted but I don't want to now. I feel being home when my kids get out of school is more important. Don't know what the statistics are, but a good percentage of drug behavior, sex, etc happens after school when parents aren't home. I'd prefer to take any steps possible to make that not happen to my family.

Let me just say that I went to the market and forgot I posted this. I nearly fell off my seat when I saw all the views on this thread!!

 

[CarolA]

I didn't read all of this, but personally I am pretty sure that at least some of the posters on this board aren't telling ONLY the truth. I think some folks are telling us what they WANT the truth to be. I always get a little curious when folks post in a "holier then thou" tone that they NEVER had debt, they MAX out all their 401K, they PAID CASH for thier house and so on..... Probably SOME of them are telling the truth, but at least a few of them aren't....... (Read between the lines sometimes, read other posts they make on other parts of the DIS and it doesn't all add up....) So I wouldn't let how folks "say" they are living here get to you.....remeber you don't know them and you don't know if they are telling the truth. It kind of comes back to the old buyer beware "If it sounds too good to be true..."

(Keep in mind this is the board where someone thought that they needed to send me a PM telling me I was ruining my kids future because I spend a lot on my hair.... Since I don't have kids I found that pretty funny!!!)

 

[MrsPete]

I don't think anybody is trying to make you feel inadequate. If not saving as much money as other people bothers you, then get a job.

Some people work by choice and make a ton of money.

Some people work by necessity and make a decent living.

Some people work hard and manage their money responsibly, but don't make enough money to ever get rich.

Some people choose to not work and, therefore, have less savings than those who work.

Some people hold a steady job, but live above their means and never get ahead.

Some people are lazy, don't work, and live off of the system.

Life is all about choices. Make the choices that are right for you and don't worry about what other people are doing.

(Admittedly, I can't help but remain angered by the irresponsible people who spend above their means, live off credit cards, default on payments, and cost the responsible people like me more money in the long run, but that's an entirely different topic).

I have to agree. We each make our choices, and we live with the rewards (or consequences) for those choices. If YOU are satisfied with your decisions, don't worry about what other people think. If YOU are not happy, make changes.

 

[Julia M]

Like 1 post said, I sometimes question whether people elaborate a bit to make others feel inadequate. I have a friend who has a $3 million trust fund and the last thing she would talk about is money and the last thing from her mind is making others feel below her. I just thought I would let those people who may have different choices know that not everyone has hundreds of thousands in savings and 401K and college funds. I most definately don't feel inadequate to anyone. I choose to stay at home and yes, I could get a job if I wanted but I don't want to now. I feel being home when my kids get out of school is more important. Don't know what the statistics are, but a good percentage of drug behavior, sex, etc happens after school when parents aren't home. I'd prefer to take any steps possible to make that not happen to my family.

Well, I take it for granted that every post may or may not be totally accurate. I also assume that some people may be "elaborating" or even bragging. Truthfully, I don't really care. I take what information benefits me and tune out the rest. I think that has to be assumed in an environment like this.

Noone should feel the need to share their personal finances with others either.

Well, I would agree with this also. However, just as a FYI, I would share much more on this "anonymous" discussion board than I would ever, ever share in person. In that way, I do find it a valuable resource.

julia

 

[scrappinmom]

I usually lurk on this board...I've gotten some good ideas....read some pretty arrogant posts as well. I think we all make choices & in the end we all have to be happy with those choices. WITHIN that though I also realize that stuff happens, bad stuff, and sometimes that puts people a lot further behind than they want to be. BUT we all have the power to make it better. Sure I won't be writing a check for my dd's college tuition anytime soon. But that's ok with me, it's not my goal. It might be someone elses. I too quit my job to be a sahm. I'm a psychologist and left my private practice after 8 years. It was my choice, lots of people told me I was wrong, heck my parents STILL tell me I was wrong. But it's a choice my dh & I made together & we're happy with it. Staying home with your kiddos is not the easiest choice to make, but neither is being a work outside the home mom. You have to do what's right for you......& didn't Eleanor Roosevelt say that " No one can make you feel inferior without your permission"

 

[Bo'sMom]

Personally, I don't even see why questions like the ones the first poster made reference too (401K savings, etc.) are even asked. Whose business is it really? I think the ones who ask sound more like braggarts than anything else.

 

[LoriZH]

I don't think anybody is trying to make you feel inadequate. If not saving as much money as other people bothers you, then get a job.

Some people work by choice and make a ton of money.

Some people work by necessity and make a decent living.

Some people work hard and manage their money responsibly, but don't make enough money to ever get rich.

Some people choose to not work and, therefore, have less savings than those who work.

Some people hold a steady job, but live above their means and never get ahead.

Some people are lazy, don't work, and live off of the system.

Life is all about choices. Make the choices that are right for you and don't worry about what other people are doing.

(Admittedly, I can't help but remain angered by the irresponsible people who spend above their means, live off credit cards, default on payments, and cost the responsible people like me more money in the long run, but that's an entirely different topic).

WOW! Who the heck are you?? This is the BUDGET board, if you got it, give advice, if you don't, get advice. No need to come on here all high and mighty, because people like you aggravate me a lot more than someone feeling inadequate due to someone like you and fresh remarks. I am going to leave it alone for now because I don't want to say things I know for a fact I will feel horrible about later, hopefully like you.

To the OP, you really shouldn't feel inadequate, you've got the BEST job around! I wish I did what you did! My youngests are 9 now, so I've missed the best years of their lives (with the exception of 1 year as a SAHM) and found it so MUCH harder than getting up and going to work everyday. I would rather be home when my kids get home or not be stressed leaving the office to take a sick child home from school or to a dr's appointment. You're doing the right thing, the poster above here that I quoted (didn't bother to even check out their name they aggravated me so much) didn't get your post, they just pounced very irresponsibly, shame on them.

 

[Bo'sMom]

WOW! Who the heck are you?? This is the BUDGET board, if you got it, give advice, if you don't, get advice. No need to come on here all high and mighty, because people like you aggravate me a lot more than someone feeling inadequate due to someone like you and fresh remarks. I am going to leave it alone for now because I don't want to say things I know for a fact I will feel horrible about later, hopefully like you.

To the OP, you really shouldn't feel inadequate, you've got the BEST job around! I wish I did what you did! My youngests are 9 now, so I've missed the best years of their lives (with the exception of 1 year as a SAHM) and found it so MUCH harder than getting up and going to work everyday. I would rather be home when my kids get home or not be stressed leaving the office to take a sick child home from school or to a dr's appointment. You're doing the right thing, the poster above here that I quoted (didn't bother to even check out their name they aggravated me so much) didn't get your post, they just pounced very irresponsibly, shame on them.

Very well said.

 

[staceyfe]

OP: I can see where you're coming from.

I wanted to comment that while my financial situation isn't nearly as good as some others here, it ain't half bad, but I would never, ever brag about where I'm at financially. Doesn't matter that it's anonymous. That's not who I am as a person. I don't get my self-worth through bragging about my life. To be honest, I sometimes (well, often) feel guilty about our situation, both financially, health, a great marriage, a wonderful son. I feel like it's best to be humble about everything given to you in life. You never know when things could turn for the worse. To know that there are others who suffer in one way or another, be it finances or health or whatever, well, I feel blessed in my life.

That said, I do appreciate the frugal lifestyles I see posted about here on the Budget Board. It encourages me to stay away from the "I wants" and spend money on things that really matter to me and my family.

 

[MyGoofy26]

IMHO, those who feel the need to constantly criticize strangers who don't make decisions they think they should just really need to get a life. Noone wants to hear it!!!

ITA - I think this is what sets apart the truly informative posts and the ones the OP is referring to. There are a lot of people here with great tips from first hand experience that other can learn from. But when the threads take a turn and start to get that "us vs them" feel to it, with too much generalization (if you aren't doing this, then you're lazy, irresponsible, etc) that takes what someone might already be sensitive about and really starts to dig at you to the point you get caught up in the moment and don't think, "OK, these people really don't know me, the answers aren't THAT easy for everyone, and we all have different situations." Using the OP as an example (hope ya don't mind!) she's clearly a little sensitive about not saving as much as she'd like to. . the answer? Work. OK, so she goes out to get a job and leaves her kids with a babysitter. Will that make her feel better? About the finances maybe, but now there's something else she'll feel terrible about. A lot of these threads tend to get very one-sided and don't take much beyond the cash into consideration, and suddenly you start analyzing yourself based on money rather than the big picture. At least while you're caught up in that thread.

 

[mking624]

OP, I completely understand. I think that's why for the most part I have stayed away from the Budget Board.

If not saving as much money as other people bothers you, then get a job.

formernyer, it's comments like these that show that you really don't know a lot about the struggles of others. Not to be mean, but let me share some reality with you. We don't save as much as others because we're not able. I work full time and then some, my husband works full time, goes to school full time (about $4000 a year), and is a youth pastor. We are currently in the process to adopt a baby from Guatemala which is going to cost us about $30,000....something we don't have the luxury of paying over time like a house or a car...we have to pay that ALL within less than a year. This is on top of rent and bills. We do Disney because it's really the only luxury we allow ourselves to have...but a lot of that has been paid for by things like making cards on the side and selling them, doing online surveys, winning contests at work (only 5 employees with contests running anywhere from $50-$200 a month...so chances of winning are really high)...not to mention that this is our final trip for some time because all of our money will be going towards adoption and raising a child (I will be leaving my full time job once our child comes home). Our jobs are retail so it's not like we're rolling in the dough. I give A LOT of credit to SAHMs...but unfortunately our society tends to look down on women who give up a career to stay at home with their children. But you know what? Even if she did "get a job" like you instructed...the cost of daycare and gas are so high that everything she'd make at a typical job would go to pay for those instead of going into savings.
I'm not trying to come off as being mean, but your comment really did come off as ignorant. Sometimes there's a lot more to life than you even realize.

 

[BethR]

Please let me remind everyone of something from our Guidelines for Posting:

We do not believe in censorship, and open discussions about various issues is encouraged. We ask that everyone conduct himself or herself with respect when speaking to other people. It is okay to disagree, as long as the discussion remains respectful of the feelings of others.

I am wondering if everyone IS conducting him/herself with respect to the feelings of others?

If you are not, please do so.

 

[Naisy68]

Hello from a fellow SAHM. This may come off as a bit sarcastic, but I truly don't mean it to be. It's just my story and how I know we can work as hard as we want but due to unforeseen circumstances, we can't break even EVER!
We too live off of one income right now but I did work full-time from the age of 19 and I am now 37. Oh, I might add that I didn't have much of a choice as my first husband decided to end his life prematurely in 1990 which came as a total surprise. My son was 14 months old. I lost my house and my car because his death was not accidental. My whole world just kind of crashed for awhile. However, I continued to work hard and live paycheck to paycheck. In 1993, I realized I was going nowhere fast so I went to college and became a teacher working as much as I could in the meantime and paying for daycare etc. along the way. It was just my son and I for 6 long years. In 1996, I found a good man who treated both me and my son very well. We married in 1999. We paid for our entire wedding on our own by the way. Things are still really tough at times. There are some months that are too long if you know what I mean. My husband is a VERY hard working man who works 51 weeks of the year. 6 days a week. We have been to Disney 3 times so far with another trip planned this year. A lot of people criticize us for doing this but we happen to love Disney and we save for two years each time we go. I try to plan the most cost-efficient trip that I can. These trips keep me going. On the off years we plan a a different less costly kind of trip like to a national park.
Within the last year, I quit teaching and I have stayed home with our daughter. She will start school this fall and I will probably go back to work this year as well at least part-time. The funny thing is, living on one income, we actually have more money. We are saving on daycare and gas and my clothing budget has gone down to minimum since I'm not teaching. I also don't have any of the extra expenses we had when I taught. If you are a teacher, you know which ones I mean unless you live in a very good district that pays for all of your classroom materials. I taught in SD and that is not the case here. Do I miss teaching? yes! But I wouldn't trade this year with my daughter for nothing in the world!
Anyway, I guess what I am saying is, I did work full-time for a long time and anyone who doesn't think that being a SAHM isn't working is obviously doing things way differently than I am. We are working, quite hard but the pay is just not always in the form we would like it to be in. For those moms out there that have done this for a long time. I have a lot of respect for you and I am pretty sure that your kids will really appreciate you someday if they don't already. There is NOTHING that beats time spent with your kids and family. You cannot ever get these years back.
Yes, we live beyond our means when we choose to go to Disney. That money probably could be going somewhere that will benefit us more in the future. My DH and I simply feel that the memories we create my going to Disney now when our daughter is still young, is priceless. I didn't mention my son because he is now 17, on the high honor roll at school, works part-time and is very active in the performance arts. He is also a really good kid with pretty awesome values. So I guess I didn't do too bad raising him so far. (I hope we are as lucky with my daughter who will be 5 this month.) However, my son has informed us this year that he is too old to hang with us at Disney again. As much as this breaks my heart, it makes me very thankful that we were able to take him the last three times when it was still cool for him to vacation with his family. If someone offered for me to trade all those memories in exchange for all the money we would have saved by not going those three years. I would have told them in no uncertain terms to leave and not let the door hit them on the way out.
Well, I think you get the idea of what I am trying to say. Some people do work (really hard) but still can't seem to break even. They live paycheck to paycheck and have to scrounge a bit here and there and have garage sales and things like that so they can go to Disney. There is nothing wrong with us. We are good people who deserve as much respect as anyone else.
Do I read these boards and wonder if I will ever be able to afford a 10 night stay or to stay deluxe at Disney, heck yeah!! However, I really feel that if I had to choose between deluxe and a couple extra nights, I would take the extra nights and stay at good old POFQ! Someday, when the kids are on their own, my DH and I will then stay for a night or two at the Polynesian. Hey, a girl can dream right??
I hope that I did not offend anyone here. I didn't mean to. I just wanted to share our story. I don't want anyone ever saying that we don't earn or deserve our trips to Disney. We do!! I think there are a lot of us out there on the DIS. Hard working, blue collar, middle class families unite!! Ok, time for me to do some good old laundry and think about supper for my fantastic family.
Have a Disney Day, Renee

 

[Desnik]

OP, I completely understand where you are coming from! I am also a SAHM for the past 8 years.

I just wanted to say that last Sept. my family and I were in a horrific car accident and we all almost lost our lives. NO amount of savings in the bank or 401K can replace a life! I live life, enjoy it and fill our lives with what makes our family happy. My DH father died from a brain tumor at the age of 47. Always saving for a retirement he never had. I'm not saying not to save and that it's abad idea or anything. Just don't put too much importance on it. Our lives are too short.

 

[Rozzie]

Great post Naisy68! I think this board can do a lot less judging and a lot more helping. I admire you and your decision very much.

Wishing you a great trip.