Do I have a right to be upset??? LONG...

[sjams]

My 40th bday is coming up in 4 short weeks and my husbands is 6 weeks later. So back at the beginning of the year we got to talking about a trip for our bdays sometime between them or after each of them. Well I began to search and plan something fun. I emailed ideas to my DH. He was on board but we didn't book anything at that time. I decide to relook at stuff in Mayish time frame and my DH says, "well how bout we do something later in the year, after both our bdays?". I was okay with that. We had a family vacation and then an unexpected trip for a family member funeral, that he did not attend, just me and DD and DS. When we got home I brought up the idea again. This time he responds with, "well I think we have done enough travel for this year, lets not go anywhere but we can just do something really special on your bday day and mine". I asked him if he had plans to take the day off so that I could take off from my job if need be and he said "no, I can't but we will do dinner out". I was a little upset but "okay" with the new plan because it went from a BIG trip to dinner out. So last week he goes to our town council meeting and comes home and says..."I have an issue"...the bomb dropped... He signed up to head the food booth of our towns National Night Out ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! Not like he didn't remember my bday but his excuse was.."I couldn't very well tell them 'no' could I?" Hmmmmm..I am a bit miffed now because all the original plans of a BIG trip to celebrate this milestone for both of us are gone AND anything else that we could do on my day!! He is not one to throw a party for me or anything wild like that. He grew up with a family of non-celebraters for pretty much anything and I grew up celebrating every milestone that comes along.
So the other day I asked him for a budget because if he wasn't going to do anything then I was going to take a trip alone. He was like "okay but you spend what you want". I really thought he would fall for that and feel bad and offer to go with me. NOPE...I don't want to go alone, I want him to go with me but now he won't. Money isn't the issue.
So honestly am I being too sensitive about all this or justifiably hurt??

 

[teacups]

My 40th bday is coming up in 4 short weeks and my husbands is 6 weeks later. So back at the beginning of the year we got to talking about a trip for our bdays sometime between them or after each of them. Well I began to search and plan something fun. I emailed ideas to my DH. He was on board but we didn't book anything at that time. I decide to relook at stuff in Mayish time frame and my DH says, "well how bout we do something later in the year, after both our bdays?". I was okay with that. We had a family vacation and then an unexpected trip for a family member funeral, that he did not attend, just me and DD and DS. When we got home I brought up the idea again. This time he responds with, "well I think we have done enough travel for this year, lets not go anywhere but we can just do something really special on your bday day and mine". I asked him if he had plans to take the day off so that I could take off from my job if need be and he said "no, I can't but we will do dinner out". I was a little upset but "okay" with the new plan because it went from a BIG trip to dinner out. So last week he goes to our town council meeting and comes home and says..."I have an issue"...the bomb dropped... He signed up to head the food booth of our towns National Night Out ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! Not like he didn't remember my bday but his excuse was.."I couldn't very well tell them 'no' could I?" Hmmmmm..I am a bit miffed now because all the original plans of a BIG trip to celebrate this milestone for both of us are gone AND anything else that we could do on my day!! He is not one to throw a party for me or anything wild like that. He grew up with a family of non-celebraters for pretty much anything and I grew up celebrating every milestone that comes along.
So the other day I asked him for a budget because if he wasn't going to do anything then I was going to take a trip alone. He was like "okay but you spend what you want". I really thought he would fall for that and feel bad and offer to go with me. NOPE...I don't want to go alone, I want him to go with me but now he won't. Money isn't the issue.
So honestly am I being too sensitive about all this or justifiably hurt??

I would be really mad about this!!! Food booth at national night out?? OMG that is outragous on your birthday. If money is not the problem... I cant imagine this. I'm sorry. Do you have a couple of girl friends who you could pay for a trip for? Take them with you and let hubby pay!

 

[marlynnp]

Oh, yes, I should add that I do believe he has acted like an insentative clod. But it doesn't sound like it was intentional.

 

[teacups]

Oh, yes, I should add that I do believe he has acted like an insentative clod. But it doesn't sound like it was intentional.

I dont see how it wasnt intentional... volunteering on his wifes birthday?

 

[mjkacmom]

I think you need to stop allowing him to call the shots. You agreed to take a trip, and he decided that you weren't going to. If money is not as issue, I would tell him that plan A was back on.

 

[golfgal]

It gets to the point in life that birthday's just are not a big deal, even "milestone" birthdays. What difference does it make if you do something ON your birthday or FOR your birthday. If you want to go on a trip, plan and schedule the trip. Why are you leaving it up to your DH to do everything? It's his birthday too. Yes I think you are being overly sensitive.

 

[mskayjay]

I'll answer but I don't think it is going to be what you want to hear.....

Sometimes things happen and plans have to change. While I admire the folks on the Dis who plan their trips so tightly that they build the potty breaks into their schedule, life just doesn't always allow for that type of planning.

You know how your DH is and while his actions were not ideal, they aren't the end of the world either. First off, you do not explain why he felt compelled to head up this booth. There must be some type of long term involvement or business interplay here that makes him feel like he "had" to do this. Please explain that a bit.

I planned my own 40th b'day party because I hate birthdays, had not celebrated mine since I turned 15, and wanted to make sure it was a bearable day for me. (long personal story about b'days....) I let DH and my kids know when it would be, sent out the invites, and did it all. My actual b'day was spent at a park listening to an outdoor concert with my DH and it was lovely.

Our wedding....ooops! Found out we were preggo and had to scratch all the plans, move it up a year, and get married/move to a new city all within 6 weeks.

Our 25th anniversary last year at WDW...... DH's Fantasy Football league is doing their draft while we are away! No, they would not reschedule for him due to shift work on the part of others in the league. So I told him to bring the laptop for the draft, I went to DTD shopping by myself, he got his 4 hours to do his thing and I left him to be to do it.

Our trip this year....very last minute so you just go with it! No set plans, taking what ADRs we can without stressing over it, etc. In fact most of the trips we have ever taken in our 26 years together have been like that. You do it when you can fit it in.

Sometimes, we make such a tado about stuff. If you want to go to WDW that badly and he is saying no, schedule a trip, tell him you'd like him to go and if he does fine and if not, whatever! let him be a stinker about it. It really sounds like there is more to this than him just not wanting to go. I really feel like there is either something wrong in the relationship OR he is planning to shock you with a surprise. I hope the latter!


PS-note the time of our trip for our 25th and the time for the trip this year. We're *very* late in acknowledging our anny this year. Oh well!

 

[mskayjay]

It gets to the point in life that birthday's just are not a big deal, even "milestone" birthdays. What difference does it make if you do something ON your birthday or FOR your birthday. If you want to go on a trip, plan and schedule the trip. Why are you leaving it up to your DH to do everything? It's his birthday too. Yes I think you are being overly sensitive.

Well said.....

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He is not one to throw a party for me or anything wild like that. He grew up with a family of non-celebraters for pretty much anything and I grew up celebrating every milestone that comes along.

So honestly am I being too sensitive about all this or justifiably hurt??

To be honest, you know that he regards birthdays as something as no big deal, so if you really, really wanted to celebrate with him, you have to take the bull by the horns so to speak.

As far as being hurt over it, yea, that was a stinky thing for him to do. He would be going on a trip. The 40+yo woman gets it done....at least in this house.

 

[J/T Gramdma]

[ He grew up with a family of non-celebraters for pretty much anything]
Here is the answer about why he is doing what you don't like. He could be very uncomfortable about celebrations. He may not know what is expected. You probably need to be very explicit about how it is very important to you.

 

[Tink888]

I can understand why you're upset BUT I agree with the others.....just tell him exactly want you want.

I turned 40 two weeks ago. On a Wednesday. Normally we don't make a big deal out of b-days and DH is just bad with buying me stuff, etc......so I told him EXACTLY what I wanted. He was happy and I was happy. We did cake on Wednesday and he gave me flowers and a gift that I told him I wanted. Friday we went to a concert and Saturday we did a nice family dinner. One of the best birthdays ever!

So, my point is, even if you can't do something ON your birthday, just plan around it and stretch it out for a few days. Guys (even the ones we've been with forever) can be pretty clueless about that stuff. Tell him what you want, what you need. He'll be happy, you'll be happy. And if he still doesn't want to do a trip, go with your girlfriends and live it up. In the end, it's what you make of it. HAVE A HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

To be honest, you know that he regards birthdays as something as no big deal, so if you really, really wanted to celebrate with him, you have to take the bull by the horns so to speak.

As far as being hurt over it, yea, that was a stinky thing for him to do. He would be going on a trip. The 40+yo woman gets it done....at least in this house.

I agree with this. I'd be hurt that he volunteered on my birthday, but I'd get over it, then start planning a trip for both of you. In my house, I'm the one who has to plan everything!!!! It's not that he doesn't care, it's just that he can be a bit aloof, lol.

 

[NMAmy]

Ordinarily, I'm one that kind of rolls my eyes at people getting upset about their SO not doing what the birthday person wants when the birthday person hasn't spoken up. If you want something, ask for it. However, from what I read, the OP DID tell her husband what she wanted. She wanted a trip. He agreed and then later nixed that. She wanted to spend the day together. He nixed that and said they'd do dinner. Then he proceeded to schedule something else when he knew it was her birthday AND she'd already downgraded the trip they'd agreed upon previously to dinner out. If he'd asked me, "I couldn't tell them no, could I?" my answer would have been, "Oh, yes, you could have."

Birthdays and holidays are important to me and I make a big deal out of them. They were not important in DH's family but he knows it's important to me so he makes an effort. The effort alone makes me very happy. If I were in the OP's shoes, I'd be irritated, as well since her husband has made no effort whatsoever for something that is important to her.

 

[disykat]

Yes, you are justifiably upset!

I don't really do birthdays and am usually the first to tell people to make their own plans etc. However, you have done that! How can people be saying you are making your dh do everything? Did they read your post?

You have tried planning several options, and dh has shot down each one. You made it clear you wanted to do something special and your dh made plans to do volunteer work a day you told him was important to you.

He is being a giant jerk and you can tell him I said so!

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I don't think you're being childish. You have a right to be upset about at least one thing - the fact that he agreed for you both to head up the food booth on your birthday. Birthdays are a big deal to me and they're my day to be Queen For The Day...no way would I be serving food to others on my birthday (particularly a milestone birthday.)

 

[TwinsinCA]

I don't think you are being too sensitive at all. It was pretty crappy of your husband to go back on the trip idea with the promise of a nice dinner only to bail out on that too. I don't blame you for being upset at all.

You should find something to do to celebrate that will make YOU happy that doesn't hinge on him.

 

[portocall]

If you want to take a trip, take a trip. If you want to go to dinner, go to dinner. If DH goes, he goes, if not, take your best friend or your children.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I can't believe so many people would be ok with their DH's bailing on them...

 

[Green Tea]

How is wanting to have DINNER with your husband on your birthday wanting him to make a "big deal"???? She's not asking for a catered party for a hundred people. She wants dinner. Period. And he blows her off for something else.

It's not like he opted to play poker with the boys. He is doing volunteer work for something that makes the community they live in better. It's a day. Have dinner another day. I think fretting over not having a celebration on a day is something an 8 year old would do,m not a grown woman. She asked for other opinions and I gave mine.

My kids used to be shocked their dad had to work on his birthday. As he said, it is a regular day to the rest of the world. Just a day. No biggie.

 

[emma'smom]

OP-

Honestly, I would be very annoyed if my dh signed up to volunteer on my birthday. He is forever saying "yes" to volunteer stuff too. Better the community on another day---there are plenty of ways to help out. It doesn't have to be on your birthday.

I'd say this guy needs to figure out his priorities! Tell him to cancel and get his act together...if he were sick or had an emergency come up, they would find someone else. No on is irreplaceable!