Divorce Dilemma

[Leajess99]

I'm at a very unfortunate time in my life...My husband wants a divorce. I know that you are all just my Disboards friends, but some of you may be able to ease some of the stress.

To bring you up to speed, my husband has left myself and daughter.

Honestly, neither of us can afford a divorce. I am currently looking for a job. While I wanted to work on our marriage...He has obviously has chosen another path.

We do have debt...I make all the payments and there is very little money left at the end of the month.

What are my options??? Stop making house payments? Stop paying credit card bills? I have never consider these options before.

I just do not know what to do.

So sorry for you husband leaving you and your daughter. My advice, contact legal aid and see if they can help. I know in some areas legal aid can help with divorces so it would be in your best interest to check.

 

[Mom of 3 Princesses]

Just a side note, do not use the same lawyer!! My BIL did that and got royally screwed! Use your own lawyer and good luck.

Most Lawyers cannot be used by both clients. They have to make sure that there is not a conflict when taking you on as a client.

 

[DCLbrideSept2009]

So sorry you are going through this! But let me say that IT WILL GET BETTER!! I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will! I was in your shoes about 6 1/2 years ago. Found out my (now ex) H was cheating on me. He moved out. I told him he had to keep paying ALL the bills because I couldn't and the girls and I weren't going to be the ones to suffer because of what HE did. We immediately put the house up for sale. The girls and I stayed in it until the divorce was final and I had my child support. Then the girls and I moved out and he moved back into the house and made the house payments until it sold. It was TOUGH. I had to get my girls excited about moving out of their 3500 SF HOUSE into an APARTMENT. (Hey, an apartment has a POOL!) Luckily the complex we moved into actually had a lot of families/kids. It was also in the same school zone, so they didn't have to change schools. I wanted as little change for them as possible.

HIRE A LAWYER!! DO NOT let your H talk you into sharing an attorney! An attorney will work one side or the other, not both! YOU NEED YOUR OWN!

We had 2 cars when we split up, one paid for, one only 10 months old and with a $550/month car payment. The paid for one was actually "his," but I took it in the divorce. That was my step-dad's advice and some of the best advice I got..... take as little debt with you as possible!!!

Someone suggested Dave Ramsey/Financial Peace University... definitely do that! Wish I had done that back then! I never really learned how to budget and how to live on my new income. When our house sold, I blew threw my share of that money. Then cashed out my part of my ex's 401k and blew through that.

In June 2008, I met my current husband. By that time, I had gotten better about budgeting and my DH was shocked at how I could feed myself and 2 girls on about $50/week (food, household stuff, etc.) Told him when that's all you have, you learn.

Obviously, I'm in a MUCH better situation now, financially and otherwise. My current husband is the most awesome man in the world... totally brought to me by God. I also had a really bad long-term relationship in between there. I learned a lot of good lessons from my ex-husband and ex-bf.... both of them cheated on me and I was losing all faith in men. God showed me that there ARE great men out there!! And he brought me one!

IT WILL GET BETTER! Although, if someone had told me that 6 1/2 years ago, I might not have believed them myself. Take it from someone who has been there.... hugs to you OP!!

 

[cm8]

So sorry you are going through this! But let me say that IT WILL GET BETTER!! I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will! I was in your shoes about 6 1/2 years ago. Found out my (now ex) H was cheating on me. He moved out. I told him he had to keep paying ALL the bills because I couldn't and the girls and I weren't going to be the ones to suffer because of what HE did. We immediately put the house up for sale. The girls and I stayed in it until the divorce was final and I had my child support. Then the girls and I moved out and he moved back into the house and made the house payments until it sold. It was TOUGH. I had to get my girls excited about moving out of their 3500 SF HOUSE into an APARTMENT. (Hey, an apartment has a POOL!) Luckily the complex we moved into actually had a lot of families/kids. It was also in the same school zone, so they didn't have to change schools. I wanted as little change for them as possible.

HIRE A LAWYER!! DO NOT let your H talk you into sharing an attorney! An attorney will work one side or the other, not both! YOU NEED YOUR OWN!

We had 2 cars when we split up, one paid for, one only 10 months old and with a $550/month car payment. The paid for one was actually "his," but I took it in the divorce. That was my step-dad's advice and some of the best advice I got..... take as little debt with you as possible!!!

Someone suggested Dave Ramsey/Financial Peace University... definitely do that! Wish I had done that back then! I never really learned how to budget and how to live on my new income. When our house sold, I blew threw my share of that money. Then cashed out my part of my ex's 401k and blew through that.

In June 2008, I met my current husband. By that time, I had gotten better about budgeting and my DH was shocked at how I could feed myself and 2 girls on about $50/week (food, household stuff, etc.) Told him when that's all you have, you learn.

Obviously, I'm in a MUCH better situation now, financially and otherwise. My current husband is the most awesome man in the world... totally brought to me by God. I also had a really bad long-term relationship in between there. I learned a lot of good lessons from my ex-husband and ex-bf.... both of them cheated on me and I was losing all faith in men. God showed me that there ARE great men out there!! And he brought me one!

IT WILL GET BETTER! Although, if someone had told me that 6 1/2 years ago, I might not have believed them myself. Take it from someone who has been there.... hugs to you OP!!

Amen! OP, I pray that you will find the help you need.

 

[Tink-aholic]

I'm at a very unfortunate time in my life...My husband wants a divorce. I know that you are all just my Disboards friends, but some of you may be able to ease some of the stress.

To bring you up to speed, my husband has left myself and daughter.

Honestly, neither of us can afford a divorce. I am currently looking for a job. While I wanted to work on our marriage...He has obviously has chosen another path.

We do have debt...I make all the payments and there is very little money left at the end of the month.

What are my options??? Stop making house payments? Stop paying credit card bills? I have never consider these options before.

I just do not know what to do.

I would like to echo the terrific advice you have received and add my own: while you are job-searching, you should be prepared to support both you and your daughter on what you earn only. Just because your STBX (soon-to-be-ex) should be paying half of your daughter's support (and will likely be ordered to by the court), it doesn't mean he actually WILL. There are thousands of deadbeat parents out there who will do anything to get out of paying their obligations. That is why people usually tell newly separated parents to learn not to rely on child support -- because you never know when it won't be there again.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Good luck.

 

[EMom]

Let me just say I am not savvy about computers. I would hire someone who is and have them come in and copy everything that is on that computer ASAP, including things that have been "deleted" but not really deleted, if that makes sense. That way, if he tries to cover his tracks by deleting things from your computer, you already have it stored away. And don't tell him you did it. As someone said, do everything you can to hold on to the computer. But since he might snag it anyway, get the info while you can.

Does he have another woman? Who can say.... However, I will second what many have said here. It is rare that there is not a woman in the wings. Even if it's not a full blown affair, it might be an emotional affair. I've known men that seemed to be "clean" and not have a woman on the side and as soon as the divorce dust settled, I'll be darned.......she came out of hiding.

Sorry about your situation.

 

[bettymae1121]

1st off, I'm sorry this has happened to you. 2nd get a lawyer!!!

What you need to do is get ALL financial documents together. See what money is where (including retirement accounts/plans), see what debt you have and who's names(s) is on the accounts. Get all three credit reports for you, your husband, AND your daughter (you need to make sure he hasn't opened up accounts in her name, yes it happens). You can get one free copy from each credit reporting agency at annualcreditreport.com (you get one a year, if you need to check again in a few months you'll need to pay for those, around $15 each I think but well worth it as you go through this process). You want the credit reports to see if he is hiding any debt from you, and that all of your debts are being paid on time. Once you get your reports put fraud alerts on you and your daughter so he can't open any future accounts in your names.

I agree with others, move any money you have in joint acounts to accounts in your name only, but either don't spend that money, or only spend it on basic living expenses (keep bills/receipts) so you don't get in trouble with the courts later. If you dont' feel comfortable moving all of it, at least move half of it. Also if your daughter has any money in her name, move it so he can't have access to it (my BFF's dad emptied out all the kids accounts on his way out of town!!! Yes parents can and do steal from their own kids). Lock up any valuables so he can't clean you out of jewelry, antiques, etc. Change passwords on your email, Facebook, and anything else you don't want him to have access to, and I agree with the others about not giving him any computer equipment he used until you know (and make copies of) what's on there.

Make up a budget based only on your income (you can't count on child support as you may not get it right away, you may not get as much as you need, or your ex may not pay it even if ordered). Look at your hose payment...can you afford it on your income? Odds are you can't and you'll need to look at selling it and renting a place (another reason to look at and protect your credit reports, you may need decent credit to get an apartment). The #1 mistake divorced women make is trying to hang on to a house they can't afford. If you can't afford it, best to cut it now rather than letting the dead weight drown you later. Yes it sucks, no it's not fair, but that's the way it is.

Another thing about debt. Even if it is in the divorce decree that your DH has to pay some or all of the debt...if your name is on the account YOU are still liable for that debt, and if (or when) he dosn't pay, those creditors WILL come after you. You can go back and sue your Ex later, but that's after your credit is trashed and you have collectors calling you 24/7. If possible (and do it now while he's maybe still feeling guilty) have hime open up new accounts in his name and do balance transfers for the amount you both agree he should pay. That way it's in his name and he's stuck with it. If you can't do that, then realize that you may need to pay off the debt on your own and go after him for it later.

As you are working with your lawyer on the divorce agreement, think about college for your daughter. See if you can get it included that he pays for half or at least part of her college expenses. My BFF's mom did that and he was stuck paying for half of her VERY expensive private college tuition. He even sued in court to try to get out of it (said he should only pay half what an in-state public college would cost) and the judge gave him a smack down, said the agreement would stand and that if he tried to come back to court over it again he'd make him pay the whole thing! You can always use college tuition as a bargining chip too, if you don't care about it you can agree to "let him off the hook" in exchange for higher support payments now. As in all negotiations ask for more than you really want, then negotiate down from there (or be pleasantly surprised when he just says "yes" to get you to "go away" faster so he can move on with his new plaything).

 

[JB2K]

I have never know a man to leave his family without having another woman. Ever.

That is a "sexist" statement, if I ever heard one.

There may or may not be circumstances none of us (even the OP) knows-about. Could be mental health issues, or that hubby prefers marathon rounds of "World of Warcraft" to family life. Or, he could even be "pulling a Jim McGreevey", for all we know -- truth of the matter is, none of us really knows for sure (and none of us really knows OP, either).

For OP: While some of the advice dispensed on this board is reasonable stuff, when it comes to legalities, you need to be firing-up the ol' search engine and researching laws as they apply to your specific situation/the state you reside in (and not "The DIS"). In other words, what may work in New Jersey, may not work in Nebraska.

Good luck - "The Big D" is a nasty thing with few winners.

 

[ccgirl]

Just curious why people are suggesting getting things off the computer and finding out if there is another woman. I never understood this concept. Why would that matter? Unfortunately, he has decided he no longer wants to be married so they need to move on. Investigate the laws of your state. MA is a no fault state so it wouldn't matter if there was another woman. IDK, I just don't get it. Good luck getting child support you deserve; I would get started on that part right away. I would not move money around, you could get in trouble for that.

 

[bumbershoot]

That is a "sexist" statement, if I ever heard one.

It's not sexist to tell what your experience has been, which is what the poster said, if you read the words they used.

"I have never know a man to leave his family without having another woman. Ever."

Just curious why people are suggesting getting things off the computer and finding out if there is another woman. I never understood this concept. Why would that matter? Unfortunately, he has decided he no longer wants to be married so they need to move on. Investigate the laws of your state. MA is a no fault state so it wouldn't matter if there was another woman. IDK, I just don't get it. Good luck getting child support you deserve; I would get started on that part right away. I would not move money around, you could get in trouble for that.

It means that they have someone else that they might want to spend money on, that she might be whispering in his ear about what he deserves (rather than him listening to his conscience (my then-fiance [now husband b/c he came to his senses soon enough] left me, NOT for another woman, but because he had a freak-out, and he felt so guilty that he paid my phone, my car, everything he had been contributing to before, but if he had had another woman there's NO WAY she would have supported him doing that) and she might be financially involved with him by then, so she would be saying self-serving things. It's also good to know so that the OP can get herself tested (probably a good idea no matter what) for various things, and just for the knowledge.

The first thing done in a lawsuit is to get the info off the computers, because it's important. And it's important in divorce as well.

As for the money, she needs to move it to keep it SAFE. Not to go out and spend it, but so that HE doesn't move it and take it. If he's already lost his mind enough to leave his *family* (IMO a spouse is one thing, but a family is another), who knows what else he might do. A friend of mine was a newlywed and very newly pregnant, and her husband left her. She would NEVER have expected it, but he did it, and quite sneakily and thoroughly. Over the week, as she was busy reeling from the shock, he cleaned out ALL of their JOINT accounts, and left her high and dry. She had the house b/c it was hers (he had his own pre-marriage properties that he didn't want her to take, so he left her house alone) but she had been laid off and allllll of her money was gone. The OP is trustworthy; she hasn't left her family. She needs to move that money and keep it SAFE.

 

[OrangeCountyCommuter]

I have a very good friend who left his wife. No other woman. no emotional etc. Of course had she come on a board likenthis and posted she would sound like a saint.


There are often two sides. And it is not always another woman.

 

[mickeynminnie08]

Sweetheart, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Been divorced for 10 years from a very vengeful man. Lawyer up. A friend of mine tried to use mediation with her husband which was what the courts wanted and that mediator tried to charge her 2000 to represent her as her lawyer. Find a lawyer you trust! A lot of them will take payments a little at a time until the divorce is finallized (which is what mine did).

 

[bdcp]

I have a very good friend who left his wife. No other woman. no emotional etc. Of course had she come on a board likenthis and posted she would sound like a saint.


There are often two sides. And it is not always another woman.

So, how exactly does that make him sound better? My BIL would tell you he didn't leave for another woman, yet the reality is he had a "friendship" with a woman he thought would go farther (it didn't because he wasn't thinking with his brain).

And there aren't two sides, there are three, his, hers and the truth. Everyone has a bias when they are telling their side.

I haven't been there personally as I've been happily married for 30 years, but I've seen it all. Everyone claims to be the victim. No one ever admits to being at fault, at least not until years later when regret can set in.

The reality is, MOST men leave when they either have something on the side, or think they do. Some leave for other reasons, but most leave for someone else. Women leave for other men, but not as often as men leave for other women. The grass isn't greener, there are just as many weeds there as in your own yard. A lot of people learn that the hard way.

 

[buzz2400]

I have been in the same shoes as you, 18 years ago. I will give you some advice. First because you have so much debt I would say get a lawyer no matter what. If a debt is in your name and his and you pay your half, the creditor will come after you for his half. I actually declared bankruptcy on our house because I was not going to pay his share. You need an attorney to sort out all of the debt. Second, you didn't mention how old your daughter is but if still a minor, you want in the divorce decree that he will help pay for college, any medical issues, any daycare. You also want it written in divorce decree visitation and child support.

In Ct it is no fault divorce where it doesn't matter if someone is cheating. I don't know what state you are in but don't stay focused on that issue. You want to stay focused on getting alimony (if you are able to), child support, who pays for what debt, etc.

Bring someone with you to the lawyer. The lawyer is going to rattle things off left and right and you are going to leave saying to yourself, what did he say. A friend or family member will be able to listen and help you after you leave the attorney.

Like another poster stated, keep paying your mortgage. you will need a place to live.

I was devastated when he left. I couldn't say his name for about 15 years. He was a deadbeat dad and never saw his son. It took me a very long time to get over it. However, I always promised myself that I would always be there for my son and take him on at least one vacation a year (and of course that was disney). All I could tell you is that I have been to many places with my son that I would not have done so if I was still married to that jerk. Keep you head high and remember that you will get through this. And most likely ten years from now you are going to say that you are so glad he is out of your life.

You will survive!!!! Hugs!!!!

 

[DCbride]

A lawyer is worth it, especially if you are not knowlegeable in your state laws regarding divorce. My lawyer was very upfront and said for the most part the numbers are thrown into the computer and this is who gets what. It's not like on tv at all.

I did not read the responses, but make sure you cancel the credit cards and get new ones in just your name. Everything- debt and house should be divided. When DH and I divorced we "kept" our own cars, well his were all paid off and I owed $25,000 on mine. Not exactly fair, as my lawyer said, but I agreed because I was tired of fighting. Seven years later and having the car payment rolled into 2 different vehicles, I wish I "faught" a bit harder on that one. But we did split the house and he left the state and I kept the kids, which is priceless.

Child support can also be attached to his paycheck in some places. This is so much easier because you will not have to rely on him to hand it over.

Divorce is terrible. BUT you will survive it, make sure you surround yourself with positive people.

 

[eyor44]

Don't trust him with anything and don't believe anything he tells you. My ex made all sorts of promises, but after the third time of his saying "You should have gotten it in writing" I stopped believing anything he said. (yeah, I'm a slow learner)

Document everything.

You said you are looking for a job. Do you not work right now? Were you laid off? or a SAHM? This makes a lot of difference. You can get free legal help and there are some really good ones out there.

Get full custody of your child. Makes things a lot easier.

 

[cheshireqt]

Since you say neither of you can afford lawyers here is a suggestion to help reduce the costs and to have a favorable outcome. This is just a suggestion.

Any promises he makes (now while he is feeling guilty and before he has a lawyer in his corner) get in writing with his signature and 2 witnesses or have it notarized. Things like, "you can have the house," "I don't want anything just my clothes and the TV," whatever it is write it all down and get him to sign it, preferably with 2 witnesses. One way to handle that would be if you have really good friends who will let you meet at their house with some privacy and then will witness whatever you agree to. This might save money vs getting a settlement through your lawyers if property and debt responsibility has already been agreed. I say this b/c if there is a lot of wrangling after you already have lawyers involved, a lot of the cost with the lawyers will be him saying "I want this, or I won't give up this" his lawyer calls your lawyer they have a nice chat and then you and your ex each get a bill.
In order to do this properly you will need to look very carefully through all your files and make sure you know where all the money is, including 401K and life insurance. Also you will need to know exactly how much debt you have. You might find a card or loan you don't even know about in the process, don't freak, that is "normal" if he has been having an affair or planning this for a while. Also you will need to stipulate that you are not responsible for any new debt incurred from the date of signature.
Make sure you do not sign away your rights to his retirement plan or any saved $. Also make sure you do not take on more of the responsibility for debt just b/c you keep the house, which I assume you do owe on.
I would not agree to a set amount for child support/alimony at this sitting though, you should let your lawyer handle that so you do not get a short end of the stick. For instance, you said you are getting a job, your lawyer might advise you to hold off on that if you can, or to only accept a part time job.
The one who serves the divorce papers usually ends up paying the most, not always, but usually. A friend of mine in your position could barely afford a lawyer. Her ex moved out leaving everything behind except his car and his clothes, he told her he would pay her a certain amount for child support. After 6 months he cut how much he was giving her, saying he decided he was paying too much. She realized she needed legal help. Her lawyer got court ordered child support going for more than double what he had initially been giving her, helped her with the separation agreement and said, now we wait for him to serve you with the actual divorce papers. She felt that was great advice b/c of her financial position. The one thing she did not have going for her, they did not have anything in writing as far as property and he came back later and demanded all sorts of things he previously said did not care about, all through his lawyer.
Last of all good luck, you are stronger and smarter than you realize and you will persevere and move on in time! From my observation the ones who leave are better off in the short term, after 5 years when you look at the ones who left and the ones who were left, the ones who were left have found happiness and peace. The ones who left are usually sad, bitter and lonely. Again, you will persevere!

 

[cheshireqt]

I have a very good friend who left his wife. No other woman. no emotional etc. Of course had she come on a board likenthis and posted she would sound like a saint.


There are often two sides. And it is not always another woman.

Hmm, he left his wife...if his wife had posted she would have sounded like a saint...Yep that pretty much covers it for me
In this case, don't care if there is another woman. A fellow Dis member asked for help, advice and support. That is really what matters isn't it?

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

OP, I'm really sorry for your situation, that totally bites. Given that, a statement that a friend made once comes to mind, marriage is a partnership, divorce is a scorched earth war. Get a lawyer, document every interaction you have with him, if he makes a promise, ask him to send you an e-mail with exactly what he's referring to so you have it for your records, and don't go the way of "being nice", he forfeited that option when he left.

Good luck

 

[arminnie]

Sexist? Any man who leaves always has another woman? Well yes I've known a few who had another man. So does that clear up the sexist crap?

Few and far between are the men who leave with no one else in the wings.