DIS step parent support thread.....a nice one!!!

[Ready to go in Ok]

I need a support group. Step parenting is hard!!!!

I am having one of those nights where I am wondering what in the world I got myself into. You know those times you feel like you don't quite measure up because you aren't the bio parent, and no matter what you do, it just seems to get worse.

Anyone else out there?

 

[Bbgrizzle]

Count me in, Steph! Step-parenting is some stinkin' hard work sometimes!

 

[Ready to go in Ok]

I forgot! You have a step DD? Is that right?

I have 2, and one lives with us. She drives me nuts.....

 

[Shugardrawers]

Mine is 19, does not live with us and despises me She reminded me that I'm not her mother. I bit my tongue and resisted the urge to tell her I was grateful for that. Someday she'll figure out that mommy and daddy are never getting back together and I'm not the wicked witch of the east.

 

[Bbgrizzle]

I forgot! You have a step DD? Is that right?

I have 2, and one lives with us. She drives me nuts.....

Yep! DD (almost 13) was 2 1/2 when I married her dad. Her mom abandoned her, so we have her all the time. I used to really resent that her mom didn't do any parenting and that she just left her for me to raise. Now I realize how selfish that was and thank goodness I don't feel like that anymore. I really do feel like she is my bio daughter now. But it took a long time.

 

[Ready to go in Ok]

Mine is 19, does not live with us and despises me She reminded me that I'm not her mother. I bit my tongue and resisted the urge to tell her I was grateful for that. Someday she'll figure out that mommy and daddy are never getting back together and I'm not the wicked witch of the east.

I think that is the secret hope of my SDD as well.

 

[kellyg403]

I have two sd that live with us, 13 and 15. 13 year old would love nothing better than her parents to get back together. I met dh FIVE years after they divorced but I am the root of all that is evil...you know if it wasn't for me type thing. I don't blame her sometimes, I know it is hard because her mom lives far away and she only sees her in the summer. But, her mom can't raise her for issues that have nothing to do with me. It sure doesn't help that dh and his ex have NOOOOO communication whatsoever. Hopefully, she will grow out it. The 15 year old has no problems and we have blended well. I don't know, it is probably hardest job I have ever had.

Kelly

 

[Ready to go in Ok]

Yep! DD (almost 13) was 2 1/2 when I married her dad. Her mom abandoned her, so we have her all the time. I used to really resent that her mom didn't do any parenting and that she just left her for me to raise. Now I realize how selfish that was and thank goodness I don't feel like that anymore. I really do feel like she is my bio daughter now. But it took a long time.

I still have the resentment toward SDD's mom. I need to let it go, but I haven't been able to. It has only been 3 years for me though. It feels like I get all the work, and dear ole mom swoops in every month or so, takes her out for a pop and is the greatest thing since sliced bread, while I am just mean. I know it isn't true, it just feels that way, but it still bites!

 

[Ready to go in Ok]

I have two sd that live with us, 13 and 15. 13 year old would love nothing better than her parents to get back together. I met dh FIVE years after they divorced but I am the root of all that is evil...you know if it wasn't for me type thing. I don't blame her sometimes, I know it is hard because her mom lives far away and she only sees her in the summer. But, her mom can't raise her for issues that have nothing to do with me. It sure doesn't help that dh and his ex have NOOOOO communication whatsoever. Hopefully, she will grow out it. The 15 year old has no problems and we have blended well. I don't know, it is probably hardest job I have ever had.

Kelly

Amen sister!

 

[wdwmom2]

It feels like I get all the work, and dear ole mom swoops in every month or so, takes her out for a pop and is the greatest thing since sliced bread, while I am just mean. I know it isn't true, it just feels that way, but it still bites!

Same way with SDD20. She lives with us full time, mom lives maybe 5 miles away. "Mom" refuses to help with any of the expenses, and DH had to pull teeth to get her to help with 1 semester of college. But yet to SDD, she has said that she looks up to her. That makes me feel like I am worthless. I keep the home she lives in clean, help her with her homework, make her meals, and help pay her college tuition. Hopefully some day she will see what I have done to help raise her. A simple "thank you" from her would mean the world to me.

 

[dixipixi]

Just another step parent here. I'm right with you in saying that there have been times when I think, "what did I get myself into?" I have 2 stepkids (1 boy, 1 girl). They are both "grown" now (21 and 17), but were very young when DH and I got together.

DH and I have one son together. Of course with us having one of our own, there has been a lot of resentment from his kids at times. My stepson has never been as bad as stepdaughter about that, though.

I think girls have a harder time accepting a stepmom. I get along with my stepdaughter, but we have had some pretty big fights in the past. She is more of a pouter and "I just won't come see you Dad, if I have to listen to her." kind of person.

Stepson lives with us now. He has for a few years. Things between us are good overall. His mom doesn't have a lot to do with him, though and as bad as I hate to say it, I think that helps.

Things aren't perfect (I don't think they ever are in a stepfamily), but I've found that as they get older, things do get better. They start to see their parents as humans and can better understand complicated situations like divorce. I will never be their mom (nor do I want to take her place), but I do think I'm no longer the wicked stepmother either.

I think a lot of the resentment I had at first was because I didn't think DH really appreciated how hard it was for me. Of course he loved them unconditionally, but it was harder for me and them. We were strangers and we had to get to know each other.

I really didn't set out to write something so long, but once I started, I just realized I had a lot to say. It may not make sense, but I just wanted to let everyone know that time (and in some cases, distance) helped our relationship a lot. There were weekends they came that I made myself very scarce and let them have time with their dad. I think that was the best thing we ever did. They learned that I wasn't trying to cut them out of time with him and I learned not to be jealous and to be happy for DH and the kids.

 

[snowwhite17]

I have a SS that is 14 and treats me like I don't even exist. I treat him the same as my DS and he doesn't appreciate me at all!!! Support would be a good thing. Count me in.

 

[Ready to go in Ok]

Just another step parent here. I'm right with you in saying that there have been times when I think, "what did I get myself into?" I have 2 stepkids (1 boy, 1 girl). They are both "grown" now (21 and 17), but were very young when DH and I got together.

DH and I have one son together. Of course with us having one of our own, there has been a lot of resentment from his kids at times. My stepson has never been as bad as stepdaughter about that, though.

I think girls have a harder time accepting a stepmom. I get along with my stepdaughter, but we have had some pretty big fights in the past. She is more of a pouter and "I just won't come see you Dad, if I have to listen to her." kind of person.

Stepson lives with us now. He has for a few years. Things between us are good overall. His mom doesn't have a lot to do with him, though and as bad as I hate to say it, I think that helps.

Things aren't perfect (I don't think they ever are in a stepfamily), but I've found that as they get older, things do get better. They start to see their parents as humans and can better understand complicated situations like divorce. I will never be their mom (nor do I want to take her place), but I do think I'm no longer the wicked stepmother either.

I think a lot of the resentment I had at first was because I didn't think DH really appreciated how hard it was for me. Of course he loved them unconditionally, but it was harder for me and them. We were strangers and we had to get to know each other.

I really didn't set out to write something so long, but once I started, I just realized I had a lot to say. It may not make sense, but I just wanted to let everyone know that time (and in some cases, distance) helped our relationship a lot. There were weekends they came that I made myself very scarce and let them have time with their dad. I think that was the best thing we ever did. They learned that I wasn't trying to cut them out of time with him and I learned not to be jealous and to be happy for DH and the kids.

Thank you so much for posting! I need to hear from time to time that there is light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.

How old were they when things started to change for the better?

 

[Evil Genius]

Count me in as a step parent. I have 3. DSD 25, DSS18, and DSD 13 going on 30. I think we all wonder at times what we've gotten ourselves into. Mom uses our house as a punishment, because we have rules. (Like go to school, get good grades and pick up after yourself) She's done this with all three kids. At one point or another each one of them has come to stay with us.

The youngest has been the toughest and there have been a lot of disagreements in the house lately. Personally, I think dad lets her get away with too much. He thinks I'm not giving her a fair shake. We're both right and I have to bite my tongue a little harder at times.

It's good to know there are others out there who are in the same boat.

 

[dixipixi]

I would have to say that for stepdaughter, it took getting out on her own and seeing that DH and I were just trying to prepare her for the real world. She still has issues with us sometimes, but we just lay low and let it pass.

Stepson is another story. He has always been close to his dad and he decided to move in with us a few years ago. When he came to live with us, his mother had to start paying support. Everytime he went around her, she told him she couldn't do anything with him because she had to send all her money here. She is not paying 1/8th what DH paid for all those years.

It ticked him off when he asked her to go by Taco Bell and get him something to eat and he had to pay for it. Even if she hasn't seen him for months, she won't do anything when she sees him. I know this sounds like its centered around money, but its not. He told us that he knows his dad sent her a lot more money and we would never ask him to buy his own food while he's here.

He also had to "chip in" at her house because stepdad said he wasn't buying food for "her kid". Right in front of him. He'll buy for his kids, but if stepson doesn't have his own money, then he's out of luck. They honestly ate once right in front of him and didn't get him anything. Stepson was even presented with a "bill" about a year ago. It had detailed how much electricity, water, etc. he used while there and that was the amount he would have to pay from then on if he stayed there. Needless to say, he hasn't stayed there since.

Actions do speak louder than words. DH and I have always put their needs first and would do without ourselves before we let them go without anything. I think it just takes the kids themselves maturing. It's very hard for them to admit sometimes that their stepparent really cares. It's almost like they're being unfaithful to their bio parent. They have to really mature before they realize that accepting and appreciating their stepparent doesn't negate their bio parent. It comes earlier with some kids. Just be patient.

 

[disykat]

I just have to chime in here and say you all sound like great step parents! I was curious to read this thread, because on another board I go to there are some really weird step parenting threads. (things like "boo hoo, my 20 year old step daughter who I met two years ago refuses to call me mom") I'm so happy that you guys are so normal - with mature outlooks. The DIS rocks!

 

[kellyg403]

I do wonder sometimes too if its because sd13 gets only the fun times with her mom and here we are enforcing rules, go to school, brush her teeth. When she is with mom, her mom brushes her teeth for her and washes her hair. Her mom explains it away by saying since she lost the kids to CPS when they were so small she missed doing those things. I guess so, I don't know. I just don't have time in the day to brush a 13 year olds teetch. SD refers to me as the "Wicked Stepmother" at least twice a week. Bothered me at first and then I realized my bio teenagers didn't like me much either. As long as they became productive adults so be it. And sometimes I really didn't like them either! I wish I knew what the differences were between her and her sister that made the difference. The lastest here is SD 13 is mad because she has to share dh's parents and she shouldn't have to share grandparents too! Now, she doesn't mind sharing my parents with the bio's! She her issues sometimes to me are not really step related but more teenage related!

Time will tell, I do forsee that this one child will probably not speak to me much after she moves out and grows up. Maturity may change that but it depends.

Kelly

 

[MrsPete]

I keep the home she lives in clean, help her with her homework, make her meals, and help pay her college tuition. Hopefully some day she will see what I have done to help raise her. A simple "thank you" from her would mean the world to me.

This isn't necessarily STEPkid behavior -- it's KID behavior. My own two daughters don't really appreciate that they have a nice home to live in, homecooked meals every day, clean clothes, etc. They don't appreciate these things the way we adults do because they don't really know how much effort goes into them. These things have always been there, and the kids just think they're a "given". I suspect your stepdaughter'll look back on her childhood and appreciate your efforts LATER. Of course, that doesn't help you today.

 

[MrsPete]

I need a support group. Step parenting is hard!!!!

I am having one of those nights where I am wondering what in the world I got myself into. You know those times you feel like you don't quite measure up because you aren't the bio parent, and no matter what you do, it just seems to get worse.

Anyone else out there?

Having been a stepkid myself, I'd like to remind everyone that it's no picnic from the kids' point of view either. It's no fun to have your parents split up (even if you're old enough to realize it's for the best, and even if you don't harbor a secret hope that your parents'll get back together). It's no fun to have them fuss and fight over money, time with you, holidays, and more. It's no fun to listen to your custodial parent or grandparents discuss how badly one of your parents is treating you -- after all, you still love that parent.

It's no fun to be dragged away for a visitation weekend when there's something really great going on at your school or in Girl Scouts. It's no fun to have to stay in a room that isn't "yours" -- even if everyone is really nice, and even if you get to go out and do all sorts of fun stuff together, you still feel like a guest during visitations. It's hard to have two sets of rules, even for little things like way food is prepared or helping clean up. There's a transition time every time you go from one house to another, and during that time you don't feel like you belong at either place.

If you're one of those kids who's learned to "play one parent against the other" and get everything you want -- whether it's permission to go here and there, or whether it's material goods -- well, then, you have a whole other set of issues. It's nice to think that you can get what you want, but it's scarey to think that you have power over your parents. You want your parents to be strong and in control, but if you can whine and manipulate them, it's scarey to you.

And you -- the child -- have no say-so whatsoever in these things! You probably didn't want your parents to divorce. You probably didn't want them to remarry. You cannot control much of anything in your own life.

What's the point? While I'm sure being a step-parent is really, really difficult, you have the benefit of being an adult. The kids have it just as hard, but they're coming at it from an immature perspective. This doesn't make the step-parent's job any easier, but it is important to remember.

 

[Ready to go in Ok]

Having been a stepkid myself, I'd like to remind everyone that it's no picnic from the kids' point of view either. It's no fun to have your parents split up (even if you're old enough to realize it's for the best, and even if you don't harbor a secret hope that your parents'll get back together). It's no fun to have them fuss and fight over money, time with you, holidays, and more. It's no fun to listen to your custodial parent or grandparents discuss how badly one of your parents is treating you -- after all, you still love that parent.

It's no fun to be dragged away for a visitation weekend when there's something really great going on at your school or in Girl Scouts. It's no fun to have to stay in a room that isn't "yours" -- even if everyone is really nice, and even if you get to go out and do all sorts of fun stuff together, you still feel like a guest during visitations. It's hard to have two sets of rules, even for little things like way food is prepared or helping clean up. There's a transition time every time you go from one house to another, and during that time you don't feel like you belong at either place.

If you're one of those kids who's learned to "play one parent against the other" and get everything you want -- whether it's permission to go here and there, or whether it's material goods -- well, then, you have a whole other set of issues. It's nice to think that you can get what you want, but it's scarey to think that you have power over your parents. You want your parents to be strong and in control, but if you can whine and manipulate them, it's scarey to you.

And you -- the child -- have no say-so whatsoever in these things! You probably didn't want your parents to divorce. You probably didn't want them to remarry. You cannot control much of anything in your own life.

What's the point? While I'm sure being a step-parent is really, really difficult, you have the benefit of being an adult. The kids have it just as hard, but they're coming at it from an immature perspective. This doesn't make the step-parent's job any easier, but it is important to remember.

Thanks for the perspective! I was a step child too. To a few different step parents I understand the step child's position, and you would think it would help me as a step parent, I certainly thought it would. It hasn't helped all that much however, because every circumstance is different. Every child is different. But you are right, it's not a cake walk for any of the persons involved.