Difficult Situation

[palmtreegirl]

It sounds like you'll never be first or even second in his life. If you're fine with that, whatever floats your boat, but will you be fine with that 10 years from now? Cause now it's spending time together for the son, but in the future it could be for the grandchildren.......

 

[sandynd]

Lauree, I don't know whether your children are girls or boys, but it probably doesn't matter. If your child was involved with someone who worked all the time, and *chose* to spend their free time with someone they've broken up with, no matter what excuse they use, and told your child to "be strong" and gave them all sorts of excuses about why your child *should not* be asking for their needs to be met, and *has no realistic chance* of things ever being as your child would like, what would you want for your child? Now, why don't you want that for yourself? would you want your child to wait, and "be supportive" of the *other* couple, and continue to deny themselves and *your grandchildren* a full, satisfying relationship?

 

[OceanAnnie]

Lauree, Glad your mom is doing well. Hope she continues to improve.

You are going through a lot. I think it's okay to give yourself some time to examine and introspect. Do you keep a journal? I jot down my thoughts when I'm trying to work through something. It helps a lot. The events that weigh heavy on your heart and mind do so because it doesn't seem right. It doesn't feel right. While you know that, sometimes it's hard to put into focus what that means to you now and in the future.

There is a saying, "We teach people how to treat us.". It is so true.

Give yourself a little time to think about what you need and want, what it means to you and why. What are you not getting? Focus on that. Write it all out, because there are some things that are basic and glaring that you are not getting out of this relationship. First and foremost, respect. I mentioned a big red bow up thread. It is there. Your boyfriend has some skill in wording and presenting a bad situation for you as a good thing, to endure the demands of his ex as an honorable thing. "Be strong" in this case means this is the way it is, you are just going to have to tough it out.

It's not honorable to ask a person to take a back seat while dangling the future as a carrot in front of her. A promise of changed future that is based on a present of no change is not likely to happen. You shouldn't have to take a back seat in so much of what is going on. In what way is your boyfriend, "Being strong"? From what you have stated, I don't see that he is. You are pulling the weight in this relationship.

What skill do you have to get what you need? How are you going to get to your goal when you both are not on the same page? I ask because it should be a shared goal. He should see this isn't healthy for anyone.

Love is such a tricky thing. Sometimes it's like having one of those circus mirrors where things are exaggerated. All the good qualities, the good times, the sweetness --- all the things you love about your boyfriend makes the not so good stuff seem small in the scheme of things. Workable. It may be workable if things change. Just watch out, because if you are miserable now, girl, think about what you will be later if things don't change. Your feelings will only multiply.

The situation sounds stressful. This is supposed to be the glowing "lovey" phase where he is trying to impress you not going on dates with his ex!

I wish you well. I hope you can find peace.

 

[mrsklamc]

I have to agree with the person who says they rarely see such consensus on the DIS. I hope it says something to you, OP.

And I am glad your mom is ok.

 

[Lauree]

To the person who questioned whether or not this thread was to stir up drama....NOT the case....I posted to get some viewpoints from people far removed from the situation. I totally understand what everyone is saying....I have to give it just a little more time....and through this time....talk to him a lot about this issue and try to resolve it. I am glad to receive the brutal honesty because people who know us.....aren't going to do that. However, just because I didn't post an update stating..."I have ended this relationship"....doesn't mean I am headed down the path to total destruction either. Your comments have helped to think more deeply....and to the person who said she will never accept the relationship....THANK YOU.....that is my next conversation with him! He is totally off in left field believing she will and I am going to tell him that she is NOT going to accept it. Actually, this relationship has been evolving since the Fall of 2011....but I took a detour through another relationship. I can't explain it, but there is a lot of potential....however.....I know this does NOT mean it will ever "get there." I just needed a place to be annoymous and get feedback. Thanks for all of it.

 

[mckelvey72]

I think Lauree is genuine and she is in a situation that is confusing and wanted some input. I posted before that I have been in the same situation so things just need to start progressing the right direction. It does not all have to happen overnight. Him slowly pulling away and putting things right between you and him and the kids involved is what he needs to start working on. So I read the part where he works 6 days a week so Sundays need to start being a family day. And when I say family that means you, him and your two kids....no Ex-wife. See if he is willing to do that.....to start off with, for a few weeks he can meet her for coffee for an hour and then come home to you.

I do agree with something someone said before in that there are 2 kids involved and this situation has to be confusing to both kids. His child needs to know that his parents talk and are in this together but spending that much time with together with the 3 of you, but the child knowing he is dating you....has got to be confusing for the poor kid. Not to mention that he is probably going to keep you at arms length cause he thinks his parents are may get back together.

In my situation...we started dating in March and my boyfriend did an Easter egg hunt with his ex and child, he went to horse riding meets, school events, gymnastics stuff without me, not to mention that she had a "graduation" from pre-K that summer at her house and only my boyfriend went. In July of that same year, my boyfriend said he was going to the movies with the ex and his daughter. At that point we had the conversation about us taking her to the movies etc. He didn't go with her...which was a step in the right direction to me. Then that summer, we took the child to a local carnival but he also went with the ex to a local carnival cause the child asked him to. I was OK with this. I never met the ex nor spoke to her for a year. My boyfriend said (this child was turned 5 that summer) he wanted to give the sitaution a year and then all bets were off. I would drive with him to drop the child off after the weekend and drive with him to pick her up etc. But I guess my point is that he showed me early on...by not going to that movie, that he was willing to take my feelings into consideration. In turn, he asked me to give it a year and I agreed. At the one year mark, he told the ex that I would be with him and she had to deal with it. So patience on all sides worked out and we worked thru it.

Now, fast forward 8 years and we all get along, I just talked to the ex the other day for half hour....we do day trips together. She has a boy now that is a year older than our boy and they get along great. The boys had a sleepover the other night. We took her son to Great Wolf Lodge for New Years with us. The point being that we are all a family now.....and Hanna has 2 brothers.....one on each side. Dont' get me wrong, we had some fights and months of not speaking...but that is to be expected. But she respects me as Hanna's other "mother" and i respect her as Hanna's mother.

So I think I said this before, sit down and have an honest face to face discussion about this and give him a short term goal and see if he can do it. Something small like you guys taking the kids somewhere and he does not let her stop the trip. He needs to, on the day of the "trip" or outing to not answer the phone if she calls. Have the son call when you get home.

If he can't stand up to the ex for something small, then maybe it is not meant to be...if he can then maybe you stay in it for a little while longer and try to work thru it. But he has to stop spending so much time with her, especially given the work schedules and the fact that he does not have much free time anyway.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Lauree, I give you credit. You've taken all of our feedback with grace (and it seems like an open mind) instead if getting defensive like a lot of posters would.

I've been waiting for the "you don't know him line I do" line and it hasn't come yet.

I agree with the journaling idea. Write down all your experiences, fears and dreams down now. That way you can read them again in the future and evaluate if any progress has been made. If you have the same experiences and fears a few months from now, that is a good indication that nothing has changed or will change.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

Are you sure this man is divorced? Have you been to his house?

If he really is does he have a legal custody arrangement for his son? Or is it just a verbal agreement between the Mom and the Dad? I can't see a legal agreement forcing them to spend Sundays as a family.

 

[RachaelA]

Why do you need to give it more time though? You've given him tons of time and NOTHING has changed. You've talked to him and he's made up a million excuses. I'm confused as to why you think its going to magically change if he's given even more time.

 

[minkydog]

Are you sure this man is divorced? Have you been to his house?

If he really is does he have a legal custody arrangement for his son? Or is it just a verbal agreement between the Mom and the Dad? I can't see a legal agreement forcing them to spend Sundays as a family.

Ding ding ding ding ding! I think you are the prize winner

 

[Skywalker]

Sorry, he is a B.S.'er. There is no way around it. Men move Heaven and Earth to be with the woman they love...you are around but clearly not top of the food chain in his life (no matter what he says). I don't know why you can't see that, really. I guess love is blind in many ways.

This is what my friend said in a similar situation, no anger, no manipulation, just an honest, straight up: "You work out whatever you need to work out, and call me when you are truly a free man. If I am still around, great, we can give things another try."

He was dealing with an ex-girlfriend where they had a pact that even though they broke up, they would "always be each other's best friend." Yeah. He took care of business within two days, lol.

 

[hegsag]

I feel you're being played for a fool!

 

[Robbi]

Lauree, your boyfriend has zero incentive to change the situation. Think about it. Why would he change a thing? His ex is not on his case, she calls the shots, and you go along with it. He's golden.

 

[TLuvsD]

I haven't read all the posts (most of them, but not all)....but I would be very cautious about getting my children involved in this situation. And I don't think I would be making summer plans. If, and when, he starts setting boundaries with the ex, then you can involve the children. Until then, if you want to take the emotional risks involved that's one thing, but the children don't need to follow that path. Why should your children have to miss the movie because his ex doesn't like the plan?

I would look for actual change: boundaries, no changing movie plans for the ex, not every day off spent with the ex and son--some of those days reserved for you and son (and perhaps your children) etc.

Good luck, I am sure this is a difficult situation. I hope your mom is improving.

 

[EnduringWone]

I haven't read all the posts (most of them, but not all)....but I would be very cautious about getting my children involved in this situation. And I don't think I would be making summer plans. If, and when, he starts setting boundaries with the ex, then you can involve the children. Until then, if you want to take the emotional risks involved that's one thing, but the children don't need to follow that path. Why should your children have to miss the movie because his ex doesn't like the plan?

I would look for actual change: boundaries, no changing movie plans for the ex, not every day off spent with the ex and son--some of those days reserved for you and son (and perhaps your children) etc.

Good luck, I am sure this is a difficult situation. I hope your mom is improving.

Totally agree! Leave your children out of it until this man shows true commitment to you.

 

[threeboysmom]

Well, I am going to post from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.

I do NOT see a problem with him going to a family wedding with his ex at all.

I am in a similar situation except I AM the ex-wife, lol. We have a family wedding coming up this summer (our oldest son) and I want both my ex and me to attend TOGETHER in support of our son. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have a "significant other" present at the wedding. We should be there TOGETHER as our son's parents, and nobody else needs to be involved. I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

I feel very strongly about this so I do understand fully where the OP's boyfriend is coming from.

I also have a great relationship with my ex. There was no reason for us to argue or fight over anything, heck, we never fought while married, why would we start after? lol. We've been very amicable, and I have no problem with picking up the phone and calling him or texting/emailing him on a regular basis to touch base on our three sons. I'm thankful we've been able to remain friends for the sake of our children. Nobody should EVER interfere with that.

 

[mom2rtk]

Well, I am going to post from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.

I do NOT see a problem with him going to a family wedding with his ex at all.

I am in a similar situation except I AM the ex-wife, lol. We have a family wedding coming up this summer (our oldest son) and I want both my ex and me to attend TOGETHER in support of our son. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have a "significant other" present at the wedding. We should be there TOGETHER as our son's parents, and nobody else needs to be involved. I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

I feel very strongly about this so I do understand fully where the OP's boyfriend is coming from.

I also have a great relationship with my ex. There was no reason for us to argue or fight over anything, heck, we never fought while married, why would we start after? lol. We've been very amicable, and I have no problem with picking up the phone and calling him or texting/emailing him on a regular basis to touch base on our three sons. I'm thankful we've been able to remain friends for the sake of our children. Nobody should EVER interfere with that.

But this is your son together getting married. That is not the case for the OP.

 

[ilovejack02]

Well, I am going to post from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.

I do NOT see a problem with him going to a family wedding with his ex at all.

I am in a similar situation except I AM the ex-wife, lol. We have a family wedding coming up this summer (our oldest son) and I want both my ex and me to attend TOGETHER in support of our son. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have a "significant other" present at the wedding. We should be there TOGETHER as our son's parents, and nobody else needs to be involved. I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

I feel very strongly about this so I do understand fully where the OP's boyfriend is coming from.

I also have a great relationship with my ex. There was no reason for us to argue or fight over anything, heck, we never fought while married, why would we start after? lol. We've been very amicable, and I have no problem with picking up the phone and calling him or texting/emailing him on a regular basis to touch base on our three sons. I'm thankful we've been able to remain friends for the sake of our children. Nobody should EVER interfere with that.

I see you point as far as your oldest son's wedding, if both of you are not dating someone seriously. A new boyfriend or girlfriend shouldn't be sitting in the pew with you together . A long time significant other or spouse that has been in child's life though is a different story . Hopefully if you have such a great relationship with the ex , you also can trust who he picks as a long term partner and want them in your child's life too . Can't ever have too many people love your child .. why shut them out ?

My husband's ex also can call or text anytime she wants to check in , even though we are far past those years , sometimes they will have contact. I will be at my DSS24 wedding by my DH's side . That is where I belong and the same goes for my DH's ex and her husband . I can't even imagine her telling her husband and I , that we need to step out of the wedding .. we all raised this child together .

The Op's situation is completely different . He is asking her to take a backseat for some random family wedding , nothing that he needs to escort the ex too just for a show of support. There are many ways to get along and show the children you can get along and you both love them.

Spending every Sunday together and being the ex's date to events is not the way to go if you want to continue down the path to a serious relationship.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

Well, I am going to post from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.

I do NOT see a problem with him going to a family wedding with his ex at all.

I am in a similar situation except I AM the ex-wife, lol. We have a family wedding coming up this summer (our oldest son) and I want both my ex and me to attend TOGETHER in support of our son. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have a "significant other" present at the wedding. We should be there TOGETHER as our son's parents, and nobody else needs to be involved. I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

I feel very strongly about this so I do understand fully where the OP's boyfriend is coming from.

I also have a great relationship with my ex. There was no reason for us to argue or fight over anything, heck, we never fought while married, why would we start after? lol. We've been very amicable, and I have no problem with picking up the phone and calling him or texting/emailing him on a regular basis to touch base on our three sons. I'm thankful we've been able to remain friends for the sake of our children. Nobody should EVER interfere with that.

Why isn't it appropriate for either of you to have a significant other at the wedding? So if you were remarried you would make your husband (child's stepfather) stay home so you could sit with your ex-husband?

 

[mckelvey72]

Yeah I gotta say that my step-daughter is getting married in May and my boyfriend and i have been together 8 years and I would be thoroughly offended and pissed if I was told to stay home. I don't expect to be introduced as anyone but I do want to be by my boyfriends side for this special occasion.

Now if the boyfriend/girlfriend has only been around for a month or two, then I agree she should not sit with immediate family but they have a right to be together for the reception. After all, even people invited can bring a guest.