Diane's Journal to a Happier/Healthier me...encouragement welcome!

[Goofydiane]

I'm back. It's been a terrible few weeks and I've just run away from almost everything.

It started with lunch with my parents for my birthday. My mom made a comment on why I didn't return an email, and her email referred to how I don't appreciate her and don't tell her anything. Well, I said that it is hard to talk to her or spend time with her when she doesn't support what I'm doing. I said that I had lost 128 lbs and not once had she given a positive comment about what I'm doing. Her response was "I didn't say anything because I couldn't tell". I'm not sure how you don't notice that someone you are related to has lost a person, yes, a person, and her comments really sent me into a spin. If she doesn't notice, then maybe other people don't notice and I'm really not losing any weight. The emotional side of losing weight is really tough for me and the part I stuggle with the most. I haven't talk to either of my parents since that day and I'm not sure when I will be ready to. Her comment really hurt and the worst part was, it sent me back up the wrong path and I'm really struggling to get off this path and on the right path.

My support partner Tim went on vacation for 2 weeks, so I lost the training times and in the midst of this I presented at a conference so I was gone for 4 days.

I received an email while I was in Texas that a very good friend of mine in California passed away and the funeral was Friday morning. I got the news the morning of my presentation and I was just no good for the rest of the day. It was so tough to figure out how I could get from Austin, TX to Orange Country, CA and then back to Minneapolis without going extremely into debt. The flight was over $1,000 and then hotel/food and because this friend was one of my Disneyland friends, I would have gone to the parks. I just couldn't figure out how to swing it. I beat myself up for a day on the decision. Money shouldn't be an object when something like this happens, and I hated having to make the decision not to go because I didn't have $1,500 available.

I need to get myself back on track and working on the final 25% and accepting that even if others don't notice, I can tell differences in what I'm doing.

 

[momof2minnies]

Hi Diane,
First Hello.I have not read any of your posts until today.You should be very proud of yourself and don't let anyone take that away.

You will always find someone who is envious of something.Your house,clothes,how well your children behave etc... and they will either have a negative comment for you or remove themselves from you as a way to make themselves feel better.You know feel"not so inferior" in THEIR eyes.For some reason people develop complexes about themselves instead of being happy for you.

Is your Mom heavy? It may be as I said.Or maybe she just can't allow herself to give you the kudos you deserve.Either way it is her issue not yours.You keep moving forward,think postive and don't let them get you down.

As far as the money goes I am sure your friend would understand not wanting to go into debt for a funeral.You were there for her when she was alive I would think she would say that counted more.

Take a deep breath,destress about things you can't control and enjoy that massage.I need one too.I have had a gift card for 2 years now and have not used it.

Keep posting! You will see I am on the journal board almost everyday logging in my training.

Have a great one,
Linda

 

[Goofydiane]

Mom...thanks for the post and the encouragement! One more person saying the same things to me will help eventually get it to sink through my thick skull. I just need to work on accepting/understanding that parents aren't always able to see the accomplishments of their children.


I'll be glad to get back to work tomorrow and get back into my routines. I hate travelling now as it upsets the entire routine I have going on and I just struggle with staying on plans when I travel. The only place I seem to travel to and do well with food is at Disney. I always lose weight - must be all the walking and water drinking!

Use your massage gift card! You will not regret it, I never was a massage person and now I love them. They do a great job releasing tension in your body.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, do not let your mother's complete lack of sensitivity derail you! There is absolutely no way on God's Earth that she cannot notice. There are some women who are so insecure they have to compete with all other women, even their own daughters. We expect unconditional love from our parents and when we don't get it, its hard to accept. Your mother loves you very much, she is just completely unable to show you in any sort of healthy way. If you need to be away from your parents for awhile, do it. In the end, you have to take care of you. I am betting you look like a completely differnent person. And while I know you were the one that physycially put the food in your mouth for all those years, it was likely the dynamics of your family that drove you to it. Don't give them the power back to hurt you. You have done this on your own, and you can continue to do so. You are so much stronger and better than some of the people around you. I wish I lived close by, I would love to come over, go for a walk and just talk in person! We have soooo much in common my friend.

And I am so sorry about your friend. I know its hard, but you made the right choice to not go. That is some serious money and with the economy the way it is, we all need to be careful. Your friend totally understands. You did the right thing, don't beat yourself up.

Hang in there sweetie, this is a life long journey you are on and you have hit some big bumps lately. But you have come so far, I don't think there is anything that can stop you now. I believe in you Diane, and I think you believe in yourself. Just know that nobody is stronger than you are. Look how far you have come! Hang in there, Tim should be back soon right? That will help.

I know you can do this, I believe in you!!!!!!

 

[DisDee]

Diane, You need to summon all the inner strength that I know you have when dealing when your Mom. I know that strength is there, or you would never have been able to lose so much weight. Amy always knows just what to say, so listen to her! Please take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing.

 

[Goofydiane]

Thanks Denise, I'm working on it. The support of everyone on the boards is so helpful. Words really can't express how much it means to me to have people care for me like you do on the boards.


Let's say when it rains it pours....my car, my beautiful car was taken out this morning by a Ford Explorer! My 2007 Saturn Aura which I love, love, love is now in the shop for about a month while they make repairs. I'm extremely happy that no one was hurt, but why my car? I had the newest car, the most damage and the only one with aches and pains. The nice thing is that in Minnesota, on cars that are less than 6 years old, if the damage to the vehicle is at 70% of value or more, you can have it totalled. I'm close to that amount, but not quite there. I wouldn't mind if it was totalled because I'm concerned that the repairs are right now over 50% of the value of the vehicle and I'll never get a good trade in value in the future.

I'm working through these struggles - I did 9 miles on the treadmill Tuesday night and I'm going to see my trainer tonight no matter how sore I am. I'm doing much better with food too. Even after the events of the morning, I came home and made Oatmeal for breakfast and now I'm having my fruits and vegetables for lunch. I just need to focus on making the best decision each meal and only focus on making 1 decision at a time and when dinner comes up tonight, I need to make the best decision then too.

 

[Goofydiane]

Diane, do not let your mother's complete lack of sensitivity derail you! There is absolutely no way on God's Earth that she cannot notice. There are some women who are so insecure they have to compete with all other women, even their own daughters. We expect unconditional love from our parents and when we don't get it, its hard to accept. Your mother loves you very much, she is just completely unable to show you in any sort of healthy way. If you need to be away from your parents for awhile, do it. In the end, you have to take care of you. I am betting you look like a completely differnent person. And while I know you were the one that physycially put the food in your mouth for all those years, it was likely the dynamics of your family that drove you to it. Don't give them the power back to hurt you. You have done this on your own, and you can continue to do so. You are so much stronger and better than some of the people around you. I wish I lived close by, I would love to come over, go for a walk and just talk in person! We have soooo much in common my friend.

And I am so sorry about your friend. I know its hard, but you made the right choice to not go. That is some serious money and with the economy the way it is, we all need to be careful. Your friend totally understands. You did the right thing, don't beat yourself up.

Hang in there sweetie, this is a life long journey you are on and you have hit some big bumps lately. But you have come so far, I don't think there is anything that can stop you now. I believe in you Diane, and I think you believe in yourself. Just know that nobody is stronger than you are. Look how far you have come! Hang in there, Tim should be back soon right? That will help.

I know you can do this, I believe in you!!!!!!

Thanks Amy! Denise is right - you always know just what to say to make someone feel better. If not for you, I might be making bad choices every day right now!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Well thanks Diane and Denise, if only I would follow my own advice!

Diane, I am so sorry about your car. What a bummer. Kinda makes you want to go over and kick in some more damage to get that total up to "total"! I am glad you weren't hurt but can sure see how that would make you sad. I am glad you weren't hurt.

Great job on the treadmill and staying on track with food. Good girl! I am amazed always at how strong you are. But then again, not so much, its just what I have come to expect from you.

Have a super weekend!

 

[Goofydiane]

Amy I think of you daily as I get in my rental car - it has Colorado plates! Reminds me of your words of encouragement and my time out in that fabulous state.

I had a feeling immediately after my car got hit that this wasn't going to turn out well, or at least be easy and I was correct. The person who hit me isn't a named insured on the policy for the vehicle, so there is now all this work that has to go on to determine that she was driving the vehicle with permission of the owner and that the policy should pay. Then, the next thing is the car carries state minimum coverages, which is $10,000 for property damage. Well, the may now be totalling my vehicle due to the amount of damage and the concerns over suspension and frame damage. Well, that would be $20,000 for a total and my insurance carrier will end up paying the claim and trying to get money back from the other carrier. I could go after them but it wouldn't get me anywhere. They live in a city that isn't one of the low income areas of town and even with a verdict, I'd never collect so it really isn't worth it to me.

I did work out Thursday night with my trainer and again today and I have to believe that the workouts and the training resulted in me not being injured. I have buises starting, but if that is the extent of it I'm happy.

It felt so good working out with Tim again on Thursday night - I can't explain how much I missed it. I feel so much better after just these few days and can tell that I'm going to be able to stay on the program and get right back on track. I had my massage therapist work on me today as well and he did some deep tissue massage for an hour on my neck/shoulders/back and it was so helpful. The best thing is that I'm going to turn the receipt in against my insurance so it's a free massage!

I'll know on Monday the final decision on my car. I want it to be totalled because I'm not sure I'm ever going to feel safe in a vehicle that is basically rebuilt from scratch, we'll see what happens.

Tomorrow is back on the treadmill. I took Friday off due to being sore, and now it's time to get back into everything. Food and exercise.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, that really stinks about the car. I am sending good car Karma your way! Seriously, what a major pain in the you know where, just what you don't need. But good job not letting that stress and aggravation get you down and off program. Too funny, about the Colorado plates! I wished you still lived here, I would love to meet you in person!

I am so glad Tim is back and you are working with him again. He is a good support to you. I am sure you are his favorite client! Given your success and dedication, that must make him feel like his efforts are on track and its all worth it.

Keep up that good work. And send some of that dedication my way, I seem to have lost mine!

 

[Goofydiane]

Oh...more car frustrations today, that I'm just laughing at now. I got an email from OnStar advising me that I need to give them my updated credit card information or I will no longer have their service after next month. Thought that was strange since I paid for a whole year of OnStar service back in August, so the service doesn't expire until next August. Why do they need updated credit card information. I called them and they weren't sure why I got an email but they said I could ignore it.

It got me wondering on why my OnStar service never contacted me or anything after my accident. I asked the guy on the phone and he sent me over to someone in customer service (isn't that what he is??), the next guy advised me that I have 6 sensors in the car, 2 of them being in the back...so my question to him was, why if I have 2 sensors in the back of the car, were they not notified when I was rearended to the tune of over $10,000? He really had no answer and passed me off to another person. She wanted to take an accident report and then was passing me off to another person. At that time I just lost it - that's 4 people I'm asking the same question to in a span of 25 minutes! Where is the commercial on how helpful OnStar is - I didn't experience it. I finally said, you cannot pass me off to anyone else, the only reason I went with OnStar was for accident contact should something happen and you failed. They offered to reimburse me the pro-rated amount from today to the end of the year of service and I am pushing to be reimbursed for the whole year. I purchased the service for a situation just like I experienced and they failed and failed miserably. The person I was talking to can't approve that, and I now have to wait for yet another person to call me back! In todays economic environment, I know where all the people are working...OnStar! I can't believe I got passed around as much as I did.

I called the shop that has my car and asked if they knew where the sensors are and he indicated in the back of the car, but the car has to be hit pretty hard for them to go off. I said, well, I got hit so hard that it broke tie rods in the front of the car and he agreed and then was surprised that OnStar never contacted me.

I know I'm getting frustrated over something that now doesn't matter, I wasn't hurt or incompacitated and everyone is fine. It's just that I can't really get any of the frustration I have inside me out over this accident because my insurance company is doing everything right, so the OnStar people are the ones I'm venting my frustration to. So to anyone who works at OnStar and had a frustrated person on their phone today. I do apologize.

Ok, venting done and over with until tomorrow.

I finally saw a doctor and I have Whiplash....gee, I couldn't figure that out for myself. Yes, sarcasm showing up here. I got muscle relaxers and was told to not do something that hurts my neck. I'm so glad that I spent money to go get checked out and be told something that I already knew. The drugs are good though!

I'm doing pretty well with exercise and working out during this. Tim and I adjusted a few of the workouts but I'm feeling really good now. I just need to get the food back under control. I'm really good at breakfast and lunch, but I struggle with dinner. I need to plan better so I have something ready to cook when I get home and not be lost and make me wonder what to eat. I don't do well with cooking and having left overs, I am not sure why, but I have this need to eat something if it is a left over, so I just can't cook to have any.

My parents are in Africa on one of those retired people's trips for a month. This one sounds the best of all they have been on. Things are still very strained between us, but I am using one of their cars while they are gone and did drop them off at the airport. One good thing is that I will not have to answer the ongoing question of why I won't go to their house on Thanksgiving. The holidays do not have the best memories for me and I enjoy spending them alone at home. I get a good work out in and watch a lot of football, my idea of total bliss.

My first day of weighing in again is the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so I've got my work cut out for me the next few weeks! I need to get food under control 3 meals and 2 snacks a day and just not 2 meals and 2 snacks per day.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Hi Diane, I don't blame you one bit for being frustrated with Onstar. Keep at them and get what you deserve!

Glad your parents are going away, sounds good for them and you. And the timing it would seem is perfect. Frankly being alone and with football sounds pretty darn good. I'll think of that next Thursday when I am up to my eyeballs in cooking, cleaning and aggravation!

Keep up the good work, I am glad the drugs are helping! Can you send me some?

 

[Goofydiane]

Thanks Amy! I think I'm frustrated with OnStar because I'm just frustrated over this whole car accident issue and they are the only ones that I can vent this to.

I've got to say that I just love my trainer in that way that the people on Biggest Loser love Jillian or Bob. Just like the people on this board, he gets me. Each of you on the board give such encouragement and support me through the struggles and he does too. I got frustrated the other day and he said, hey, it took you 10 years to get to where you were, it isn't going to all go away in 10 months. He then said, I went back to your original measurements and you've lost almost 20% of your body fat in just that time, and add to what you had lost before you started with me, just think of how much body fat you've lost. For whatever reason, it got through my extremely thick skull last night. Everyone telling me that I'm doing good can't be wrong.

I can't do this by myself, I need everyone on the board that encourages and supports me and I need my friends support and I need Tim's support. Each and every one of you are my Bamboo, when I struggle, you all are like pieces of bamboo that are placed under me and you float me back up to the top again.

So, while the exercise hasn't gone away, my food choices haven't been the best and that stops now. No more 2 good meal choices a day and then 1 crappy 1 for dinner. I went grocery shopping and stocked the fridge with fruits and vegetables and bought chicken, turkey burgers and ground turkey to make chili with.

I'm re-energized and getting back to healthy eating. It doesn't make much sense to exercise like I do and then lose it all by eating crappy!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, I am so glad you have Tim in your life! A journey this long truly needs lots of supporters to cheer you on. You do that for me and I am glad you feel like me and others on this board do that for you. We truly are all in this together.

Isn't it funny that sometimes something so obvious is the hardest thing to believe? Tim is right, you had a long journey to get to your highest weight and it won't happen overnight to make it all right. But my you have come a long way! I look at your ticker and it just inspires me and makes me so in awe of what you have done!

Great job stocking up on healthy food. Just take it one day at a time and remember how far you have come. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for!

 

[Goofydiane]

Wow....it's been a long time since I've stopped in and posted. I'd like to say it is because I've been so busy, but I think it is more just feeling sorry for myself and just going through the motions of life.

I could type forever, but taking some words from Amy's journal, 2009 is going to be about weight loss and nutrition and not whining about my life. I think the uncontrolable aspects of our life ends up with the whining that happens. I can control what I do, but I can't control anything else and for a control freak, that's tough to handle.

A few updates.
1. Got the car back and it looks like new and it drives fabulously. It took a month to repair and the shop was great. I got it back a few weeks back and it has been so nice to have it back. I had a few punch list items updated this weekend, but other than that, the car is like new. It even had the new car smell for a few weeks due to the cleaning that had to happen in the interior to get all the glass and water out of the car. I had a Halloween door mat in the trunk that had glass all through it and I told the shop they could just throw it away and they went to Target and got me a new one. That was so nice.

2. OnStar. The only thing I can say about them is.....it isn't worth it to subscribe to them, they do not match the advertising. After going round and round with them about why the sensors didn't go off - they said there had to be an impact at greater than a tap. My response...is $11,000 damage to my car more than a tap? They then said, well it is there for if you are hit from behind and injured. My response....Is whiplash considered an injury? It took them over a month to assign it to someone other than the helpless customer service people I called regularly - I even got some of them more than once and they knew my by name! (and hated talking to me!). I was finally offered a free year of OnStar service as compensation for the system not working like I was under the impression it would. I made the comment that you are offering me a free year for a service I want to cancel and get a full refund off of, not a pro-rated refund. This was with a 3rd party vendor and he and I both chuckled when I said, what is the difference of them offering me a free year, or just giving me back my 3 months additional? I finally indicated, I wonder if OnStar realizes that we are arguing over approximately $40 and they are saying no. The guy chuckled with me. I finally got a supervisor at OnStar who indicated that at this time, they would not provide me a full refund. I asked to go to the next level and she said the next level is her and that is it. I told her I had no problem calling every day until I got my full refund, and if she realized we were arguing over $40 and that OnStar had spent more than that in payroll of their people with all my phone calls and that I had all the time in the world to keep calling them. Needless to say, 20 minutes later they agreed to the full refund. This was 2 weeks ago, they refunded my money and cancelled my service. The best part - I got a letter from them today (dated 12/23) that indicated if I did not update my credit card information, my service would be halted at the end of the month. Talk about the right hand and left hand not talking to each other!

3. I found out that my parents took my sister on their trip to Africa. This was after they took my brother to China last year. I asked them about it and they acknowledged that they paid for the full trip for both of them. I was kinda shocked at that - I took my parents to WDW about 5 years ago and have never expected anything in return, so I was hurt that they pay for these trips and I wasn't offered anything. I let them know that and they acknowledged that they didn't think I would find out that they had paid for the trips and to be fair, they are giving me a choice of a trip anywhere I want to go. Yes, it is a fabulous opportunity, I just wish I didn't always feel like I was the after thought with them. Just once I'd like to be the first person they think of and not the last. I know that I'm fiercely independant and I bring half of this on myself, but it would be nice to not have a conversation start out with something I haven't done. It still irks me that they haven't recognized this journey I'm on in improving myself. Now - what am I going to do about this trip? I don't know yet. Part of me wouldn't mind a year of Tim getting paid for by them.

I am still struggling with food, I have good days and bad days. I am just wanting the holiday season to be over with!

Tim and I set goals for 2009:
Physical:
1. 10 pull-ups without any band assistance (I'm at 2 now)
2. Run 1/4 mile in 2 minutes or less at a 5.0 incline. (Not sure where I am)
3. Benchpress 135 lbs for 10 reps (I'm at 115 lb now)
4. Run/Jog my 4.5 mile virtual course on my treadmill.
5. Get to goal weight

Non-Physical:
1. Maintain food journals and this journal
2. Weekly weigh-ins
3. No "I don't want to do this today" comments, or "I can't" comments. (This came from Jillian and the Biggest Loser)
4. Do not let what I can't control end up controlling me.

I liked the goals we did this year and each of these is harder than the ones set for 2008. I need to focus on putting me first and making sure that the choices I make are good ones.

I'd like to put a goal in there of not working 70 hour weeks, however I work retail and right now as everyone is aware, retail isn't that great, so we all are doing more with less. I've got a major roll-out on a module I've been developing going live to all stores on February 1 and that is taking all of my time right now. It has been a crazy month and I've got another crazy month waiting for me.

I wish everyone a Happy Holiday season and here is to all of us losing pounds in 2009!

 

[Goofydiane]

I'm with others on this board - I need the holidays to be over! I need to get back to my regular routine.

Today was a weird day. I did well on food until the end of the day. I don't know why I feel that if I had unhealthy food in the house, I need to eat it. I've never mastered resistance.

I got a call from an old friend today. He called about 18 months ago as well just to say hi. I wouldn't call him an old boyfriend because I dated a friend of his while he was dating a friend of mine, but we always had a connection and could always talk for hours on the phone. This was way back in high school (25+ years ago!), yet I still think of him. I don't expect anything to happen from this phone call, but it was nice to hear from him. He wanted my email address to keep in touch and I passed it along. Figure if it took him 18 months to call after the first time he called me, it will take that long to send an email!

I'm working tomorrow so that will help a little with routine. I just want the holiday season to be over!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Hmmm Diane, could Cupid be coming to your house early before Valentine's Day??? That is so nice he called, anyway you look at this, its good. You will either reconnect with an old friend, or start a different type of connection!

I am so sorry about this stuff with the trips your parents took your brother and sister on. That is not fair at all and I am glad you called them on it. Frankly, I would think carefully about going on a trip with them. I just hate to see you get into something that will stress you out more than make you feel connected to them on a fun trip. If they'll give you the money to take a trip on your own or pay Tim for a year, that would be very good indeed! I think every family has the member that for whatever reason is the one that gives endlessly and gets nothing to very little in return. Its a tough dynamic to live with and break away from and you are doing a very good job. Just know that its not anything you did wrong, but rather a failing and a weakness in them. Just do whatever feels right for Diane and not them. They have made their choices, its okay for you to make yours, whatever they may be.

I am so glad your car is back, that is amazing they gave you a new car mat! That sounds like something Disney would do!

Hang in there, the holidays are almost over and I am right there with you, 2009 is something I think we are all ready for!

 

[Goofydiane]

Amy - thanks for the comments, I am so lucky to have you around to post objective comments. Your comments seem to cut through all the crap and get right to the heart of the matter and you always give me good things to think about.

What's funny is when I first started learning about all of these trips, my thoughts were...just give me the money to pay for Tim for a year. Take the stress of that expense out of my budget for a year. He's not cheap, that's for sure.

I've started food journaling and in just 2 days I'm seeing a pattern...I eat when I'm stressed out emotionally. Duh, who doesn't? Then when I look at the stress that causes me to eat, it isn't work stress, it is life stress - mostly with wanting to have a pleasant relationship with my parents.

Another friend told me tonight to take my sister out of the equation and do what I want to do, and Amy you telling me to do what is right for me was something I needed to read. Now I just need to make a decision on what is right for me and then be able to live with that decision.

 

[Goofydiane]

Had a good food day yesterday - finally! I took away all thoughts of trips and decisions and just had a good day. No cardio due to just letting some overworked muscles relax and recover for a day.

No plans yet for this evening, if this NYE goes like last NYE, I might be asleep by 10:00pm!

Happy New Year everyone! and thanks to everyone who has provided support and encouragement throughout 2008, it means more than I can say.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, thanks for being so nice to me all the time! I see so many similarities in our family dynamics and I just want you to do what works for you. Because taking care of you is something you deserve! Great job putting that trip thing on the back burner. The right decision will come to you in good time.

I eat for family stress too. Other stress I manage just fine on. Family stress sends me right to the pantry and frig. Its hard when the people you love the most, hurt you the most. I am proud of you for journaling your food and thoughts and sticking with this. I want a ticker like yours, one that shows how strong I am and successful like you!

Happy New Year!