DH's parents getting divorced...just sucks.

[dawn1620]

We found out last night DH's parents are getting divorced - married for over 20 years. We were not really shocked because they did not seem to really be happy but yet still surprised they are really doing it. His mom dropped the bomb on his stepdad yesterday and it looks like it will get ugly (money, house, ect).

DH's stepdad is pretty much the only real father he has ever known - his dad was not present a whole lot when he was growing up.

DH is gutted - he does not want and will not take sides. And we are worried how DD will take the news, she loves her grandad. We're afraid he will move back to the state his kids are in because his job lets him live anywhere.

We want to stay out of it as much as possible but yet offer support when needed. We're just waiting to see what happens next.

 

[laurafergie]

My parents divorced when I was 32. It was SO AWFUL. The fussing, the fighting, the he did, she did.....OMG!! I have to say, my Mom was worse of the two. The one thing that made it worse, was the extended family taking sides as well. My brother and I absolutely refused to take sides - would NOT discuss any issues with either one. It was very stressful.

After about a year, things settled down and I actually preferred them being divorced. I spent a lot of time with my Dad that I never had before because they were always together. Everything was very peaceful.

Then!! - They got married again and we're back to where we started, lol.

It'll be okay - just do not discuss any issues with them (like money the other one has - that's a big one) Don't take sides at all and make sure your StepDad knows that you want to continue being in his life.

Take LOTS of deep breaths, maybe yoga would be a good idea.

 

[SC Minnie]

my parents divorced when I was 30. They had been married about 35 years but stayed together about 34 too long. Anyway, there was a lot of animosity to begin with of course and my dad was totally in the wrong but my brother and I tried not to take sides. The second Christmas they were separated DH flat out said 'we are going away for Christmas, I have made all the arrangements' . That first Christmas was soooo stressful for me- making sure I was spending equal time with each of them and feeling bad that one was alone when I was with the other.

I finally talked to both of them and told them they were going to HAVE to be able to get along for at least an hour at the time if they wanted to be with DD on her birthdays, see her dance recitals, school plays etc. I was NOT going to choose who to invite to what because they couldn't get along and I hoped their love for their GD was more powerful than their dislike for each other.

Needless to say they have been divorced for 12 years now and have both remarried. They are able to get along when they have to and I am thankful for that.

 

[dislaney]

Divorce is never easy no matter how old you are. Sorry you are going through this with your DH's parents.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Divorce is never easy no matter how old you are. Sorry you are going through this with your DH's parents.

I agree with this. For the longest time, I thought it would have been so much easier if my parents divorced when I was 7 instead of 27. I was wrong. One isn't better, it is just different.

I HATE the holidays now. I hate having to plan birthdays now. My parents do not speak to each other so at first we tried to be understanding and allowed two Christmases and two birthdays and two everything elses...that got old very fast.

My sister and I had to lay down the law and explain that our lives didn't revolve around them and we now have one holiday. Our parents can come or not, we don't care. They shaped up and realized, but they still make it just SO freaking difficult. We now have split Christmas only. One Christmas Eve and one Christmas Day, with us having to drive all over hell and high water. This is also going to end soon. I'm sick of it. I never get to just have MY family alone.


Anyway, OP. Keep your chin up and if I can advise you, set ground rules now for them. Don't take sides, and be upfront and have your DH be clear there will be no side-taking.

 

[jsmith]

My parents divorced when I was 32. It was SO AWFUL. The fussing, the fighting, the he did, she did.....OMG!! I have to say, my Mom was worse of the two. The one thing that made it worse, was the extended family taking sides as well. My brother and I absolutely refused to take sides - would NOT discuss any issues with either one. It was very stressful.

After about a year, things settled down and I actually preferred them being divorced. I spent a lot of time with my Dad that I never had before because they were always together. Everything was very peaceful.

Then!! - They got married again and we're back to where we started, lol.

I could have written this post-my parents got divorced in 1990 after 29 years of marriage-all but the last two were pretty good. My mother absolutely put my brother and I through seven kinds of hell telling us how aweful my dad was to her-my dad never said a bad thing about her or too her that we saw.
They were divorced about 4 years-and then remarried-and were married another 13 years until my dad passed away in 2008. If you as my mother-she ignores those 4 years and counts her self as married to my Dad for 47 years.

 

[binny]

I agree with this. For the longest time, I thought it would have been so much easier if my parents divorced when I was 7 instead of 27. I was wrong. One isn't better, it is just different.

I HATE the holidays now. I hate having to plan birthdays now. My parents do not speak to each other so at first we tried to be understanding and allowed two Christmases and two birthdays and two everything elses...that got old very fast.

My sister and I had to lay down the law and explain that our lives didn't revolve around them and we now have one holiday. Our parents can come or not, we don't care. They shaped up and realized, but they still make it just SO freaking difficult. We now have split Christmas only. One Christmas Eve and one Christmas Day, with us having to drive all over hell and high water. This is also going to end soon. I'm sick of it. I never get to just have MY family alone.


Anyway, OP. Keep your chin up and if I can advise you, set ground rules now for them. Don't take sides, and be upfront and have your DH be clear there will be no side-taking.

Dhs parents have been divorced forever and we are FAR from them. We finally had to come up with the policy that Christmas is at our house. They are welcome to come or not but MY kids will be waking up in their own beds on Christmas morning. PERIOD once everyone figured out taht was the rule they could either come to us or not see us, things turned around. Now keep in mind ours live a long ways away now, its a 2 and a half day drive at this point but we decided taht even when we lived closer. It was just too stressful to try to deal with their drama!

 

[Bren's Mom]

That's so sad.

All I can suggest is that you and dh stand together in NOT taking sides, not allowing either party to manipulate the two of you. Tell them clearly that you love them both, will not tolerate childish behavior in your presence or home, that you hope they will both remember that children (your dd at least) hang in the balance here and that their behavior will affect her (good OR bad).

You might tell them something Dr Phil says; You're not ready to get divorced if you're still angry, if you're still angry you still have stuff to complete first. I'm paraphrasing.