DH left...

[EthansMom]

I just wanted to let you know I'm here for you! Please take care of yourself and your DD!

 

[mbw12]

 

[Wishing on a star]

So, your in-laws keep your kids while you work???

Boy, that throws a huge wrench in the works!!!
I just can't wrap my brain around this one...

Believe me, I actually 'cringe' when you say how your DH's parents 'rule' him. That is just warped! (my inlaws have major control issues) And, when you say 'turn their efforts towards the kids'. WHOA!!!!

I know if my DH were to leave me, the last thing I would want is to have his PARENTS still involved in my life.

Are they the kind of people who actully feel that Grandparents have 'rights'????

If so, this is yet ANOTHER area where you will want to be very careful and very pro-active.

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

No, no, they don't keep them while I'm at work. I'm projecting - assuming they would petition that they COULD keep them while DH works if he had custody. I know - cart way in front of the horse, but just spilling what's on my mind.

My in-laws do believe in grandparent rights.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would then be VERY concerned about your in-laws, thru your husband, being able to try to take custody of your kids!!!

Please discuss this with your attorney ASAP!!!

edited to add:
More HUGE hugs!!!!
Just because your DH has 'family' nearby and you do not is NO reason that he should be awarded any custody of the kids. As long as you are a 'fit' parent, and are able to show that you can provide adequate child-care.... then that is all that should matter.

Continue to document EVERYTHING that you can to show that he was not able to handle being the sole care-provider for your children.

 

[EthansMom]

My understanding is that it's very difficult to take custody completely away from one parent, unless they want to give up custody or unless they are proven to be an unfit parent (known drug use, child neglect, etc.).

Either your DH will want to give up custody or you will probably have to have joint legal custody. With adequate proof of his attitude about being a parent, you may be able to get sole custody with supervised visitation.

Like an earlier poster said, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

I hope I'm "fit" - a little scared, but pretty sane nonetheless.

I do have some strikes against me - my weight and past history of depression (12+ years ago). But, H doesn't know where the kids doctors are, only just recently took up half the daycare responsibilities (it was so bad that DD's old daycare though I was a single parent - they were shocked when he brought her in one day). He doesn't even know where I keep the bottles and formula for DS and has never changed a truly dirty diaper. He doesn't deserve to have them and my in-laws are truly not the best - they raised him, right? But, this piece of it is what has always kept me with him. I'm so afraid I'll be the one the woman that the judge makes a "point" about.

 

[Serena]

You will be alright.

 

[peacefulgirl]

Thanks for the hugs. It's been crazy. I know what happened with DD at school today was her acting out. We've been trying to keep it from her, but the kid is really perceptive. So, my first objective is to protect her. DH hasn't been great to her, but never as blatantly abusive as today. She was devastated. Therefore, I was.

Anyone with experience know what happens to the house? I really can't afford it on my own, but hate to have to leave this place. I know it sounds stupid, but I love it here. The kids rooms are done, we have a swingset. I cry every time I think of leaving and having to live in an apartment or something. I know, it's the trees and not the forest, but all I'm obsessing about now.

I don't want to move the money to where he can't touch it because I don't want to be accused of stealing it. I guess I'll have to talk to the lawyer.

I just suggest that you keep DD out of it. I know that is what you want... just try and keep focused on what she is hearing and seeing. Try not to make a big deal out of what Daddy did and said today when yelling at her. Just keep that light and do not say bad things about him to or around her. I can tell you already are doing this, I just want to mention it.

I suggest you read the book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life Henry Cloud, John Townsend , it will help with you keeping in your roll in the split up.

I have seen many children get so hurt from this stuff. Please learn about what you can do to best protect your babies.

best wishes! pg

 

[OceanAnnie]

ok, i'm not the divorce expert here, but being a legal secretary has taught me a few things-first of all, you find the BEST divorce lawyer in town and see him/her TODAY! next, put that money in YOUR NAME ONLY-go to a totally different bank and open a NEW account in just your name and put the money in it-anything he can touch is something you could lose. tell the lawyer you want to file for divorce on grounds of infidelity, that you want the house with him making the payments, as well as your car payment and child support in accordance with state guidelines. also tell your lawyer about the episode where your DH flipped out on your DD and spanked her and let him know you want ANY visitation to be supervised by you or another member of YOUR family, NOT his. also, you want your DH to get life insurance in an amount of no less than 100,000.00 and your children are to be made the SOLE and IRREVOCABLE beneficiaries. also, ask that your DH be required to pay any and all medical copays or expenses (not reimburse you, but billed outright by the doctor/hospital), that he pay for all expenses of your children's extracurricular activities AND, if he's not contributing to a college fund for them, that he be required to do so on a weekly or monthly basis. honey, if he's cheating on you, nail his sorry *** to the WALL! my mom let my dad off with 200.00 child support a month, and that was ALL we ever got-no clothes, no food, hell, we couldn't even get 5 bucks from him for a movie! the ******* didn't even want to pay 1/2 my wedding costs until my mom cussed him black and blue and let him know that if he didn't, not only would he not walk me down the aisle, he wouldn't be invited! so don't wait, take care of yourself and your children's future right now, because if you think he won't screw you over, i tell you, you're WRONG-i've seen too many divorces not to know this. best of luck to you.

Donya
*leaving for WDW on Sunday!*

p.s....these are all things to ask your lawyer if he/she can request in your divorce petition-there's no guarantee you'll get them, but if you don't ask, you don't receive. also ask him/her if he/she has any further suggestions that i didn't mention-each state is different. again, best of luck to you.

That's a wealth of information!

I've heard of suing for "alienation of affection" as another poster mentioned, but I've never heard of any outcomes. I have wondered about that.

I would probably put on a very *nice* facade and do all the prep work I could to get my ducks in a row with as little hassle as possible.

He sounds like he gets worked up and mean very easily. Let him get worked up and mean when he's alone or with missy. And when he can't do a thing about it. Let him think you are wringing your hands and worrying. Then when you are ready, sock it to him!

Stay strong and build your fort solid and high!!!

 

[MELISAZACK]

Hi I am in Pa...MY parents are divorce - dad left for much younger girl they ended up with a child now 7 - she is a very unfit mom - but courts here in delaware cnty pa are very much for the mom regardless-
they call it joint custody but on has more than the other especially during school year....home they can make you sell and split or buy his 1/2 out.
benefits =state made my dad keep me and mom for x amt of time - same with the new girl when he tossed her...and they weren't married but since he had her on he had to keep her for so long- kids were perment since she doesn't have any insurance...I don't beleive there is alominy in Pa but that was 10 yrs ago so maybe that changed now - not sure...Good luck in pa though the courts use to recongize abodnment which is what you husband did when he walked out - that counts for something....try that option with your lawyer too...good luck don't worry too much about the kids you will get them -courts perfer they stay with mom especially the youngest....

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

Anyway I can restart breastfeeding 7 months after I stopped? That would force the custody issue.

Well, I'm going to log off now and work on the treadmill. I figure I can do something about one of the strikes against me. Also, I plan to DIS and surf a little less (maybe 18 hours a day, versus 20). Want to focus on DD and DS for a while, before everything gets ugly.

Thanks to everyone. The support has been immense and comforting.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Oh, I read somewhere (maybe here on this board) someone was in a similar situation and cancelled her cc because they were "lost". They weren't.

It was a good way to drop them without raising the H ire. It sounds better than dropping them because of him. He would just think you were stupid (when you are closing ranks). That's exactly what I'd want him to think. You don't want him to catch onto you and try to preempt or counter your moves.

 

[EthansMom]

I hope I'm "fit" - a little scared, but pretty sane nonetheless.

Oh no, I'm sure you're fine! After all, you aren't running a Meth Lab out of your house or anything. What I was trying to say is that if your DH wants joint legal custody, you may have a difficult fight on your hands.

You'll have to go over all of this with a lawyer, of course. But unless you have proof that your soon-to-be-ex is a drug user, child abuser, etc. etc. then it probably isn't worth your time/money/energy to fight him if he wants joint custody of the kids. The only people who win in nasty custody disputes are the lawyers.

The most likely scenario is that your DH will get visitation and have to pay you child support. (That's what happens in the majority of divorces and it doesn't sound like your DH really wants to be primarily responsible for caring for the kids. Also, judges really hate to take children away from their mothers.)

You're also on good standing if you can get a P.I. to prove that your DH left you and your children to "play house" with someone else. Likewise, if your DH doesn't visit or financially support the children for a period of time, then it shows that he has a lack of interest in being a good parent and taking care of his parental responsibilities. On the other hand, document any money your DH does give you to show his ability to continue paying support.

Hugs to you!

 

[twinklebug]

I hope I'm "fit" - a little scared, but pretty sane nonetheless.

I do have some strikes against me - my weight and past history of depression (12+ years ago). But, H doesn't know where the kids doctors are, only just recently took up half the daycare responsibilities (it was so bad that DD's old daycare though I was a single parent - they were shocked when he brought her in one day). He doesn't even know where I keep the bottles and formula for DS and has never changed a truly dirty diaper. He doesn't deserve to have them and my in-laws are truly not the best - they raised him, right? But, this piece of it is what has always kept me with him. I'm so afraid I'll be the one the woman that the judge makes a "point" about.

I should be the last one to preach about self confidence, but you need to stop putting yourself down. Your depression was well over a decade ago. And your weight... that is no reason to feel inferior. Look at the successful, big, but none the less beautiful women out there. You don't need to loose weight nor do you need a new wardrobe to get a whole new attitude. Start with yourself. You've taken the hardest step. That shows gumption.

BTW - just made sure I used it correctly... the definition fits you well:
gump·tion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (gmpshn)
n. Informal
Boldness of enterprise; initiative or aggressiveness.
Guts; spunk.
Common sense.

 

[Marseeya]

I hope I'm "fit" - a little scared, but pretty sane nonetheless.

I do have some strikes against me - my weight and past history of depression (12+ years ago). But, H doesn't know where the kids doctors are, only just recently took up half the daycare responsibilities (it was so bad that DD's old daycare though I was a single parent - they were shocked when he brought her in one day). He doesn't even know where I keep the bottles and formula for DS and has never changed a truly dirty diaper. He doesn't deserve to have them and my in-laws are truly not the best - they raised him, right? But, this piece of it is what has always kept me with him. I'm so afraid I'll be the one the woman that the judge makes a "point" about.

Oh my goodness, your weight has no bearing on your fitness as a parent. Go ahead and lose weight, but do it for you so you'll feel better!

Go get 'em! You're going to do just fine.

 

[Lyn5]

Don't forget about the living conditions with girlfriend. If she was single, she may only have a small place and not want kids over...she may not want the kids at all to cramp their plans. I would think that if he is living with her and wants the kids for a weekend they would each need a room and I would think he would have to prove that his new place is a suitable environment.

Also, do you know that she is single? A close friend of mine, well her boyfriend left her with their 8 year old daughter and she was about 6 months pregnant for the woman across the street from them who was married. My friend's ex-boyfriend and other man's wife ended up not having any custody of the kids (4 total between them)...they didn't even get a lawyer or fight, just wanted the occasional visitation. My friend really cleaned him out with the cost of a new baby, the older girl and he had to pay for the kids activities. The new couple lived the fast life for about 3 months and then the money ran out and they moved in with his parents. Now, the new girlfriend (former wife) keeps the guy on such a tight chain...must be scared he leave her too and why not, he abdoned his family! You seem to be a strong woman, I bet you will be happier in the future than you were in the past.

 

[MrsNick]

I've got nothing to say except, hang in there. Things will get better.

 

[figment52]

Mama -

Yes the voice mail should be admissable in a hearing or court. The person knew they were being recorded so it is not without their knowledge. If you can, play it for the attorney(s) when you meet with them. That should have a major bearing on the custody/visitation issue. As previously advised, document everything you can ... it is easier to throw out what you don't need or can't use that to try and recreate it later.

 

[crazee4mickey]

It sounds like you are starting to take the steps to protect yourself and your kids.
I can totally agree that possibly the worst thing in a situation like this is thinking of what can happen. This is hard to do but try not to think about it too much because it will really start wearing on your emotional well being.
I posted earlier but wanted to say something else--- if your husband has called your child the "devil spawn"(and use this for sure!) then he may not be that interested in custody but his parents sound like they will insist he fight(definately talk to lawyer about how many rights they have), let's hope the new girlfriend has no desire to be an "instant mom" because if it goes like mine did they won't want to cramp their new relationship with the stress of kids around.
When you speak with him try to be level headed and calm so he can't say you are irrational---this is the absolute hardest thing in the world to do--but it is best for you in the long run--and he won't be able to think that he's caused your world to come crashing down around you if you appear on the outside like you've got everything under control and are moving on like you're glad to get rid of him!
My ex husband(who left us for his girlfriend--and remember what I said, he won't be the same person you knew because of what his new girlfriend will want) really pushed for the kids and he only had them for a couple of times then he really found it to be an inconvenience to drive over 2 hours to see them and pay the child support which was only $300 for 2 kids(!!!). Unfortunately for the kids, he chose his $300 over them and dropped out of their lives completely when I said he no longer had to pay child support.
Take care of yourself...its hard to do but don't create too many scenarios of "what if.." ---it will drive you crazy. Focus on yourself and your kids and make sure you continue with documenting and taking all the precautions you can!