DH has an addiction (warning: adult issue)

[alias]

First of all I just want to say that I am a long time DIS member but I did not feel comfortable posting under my "real" name. I hope that you don't mind my attempts to be incognito right now but I really feel like I need some advice and I can't go to my friends/family in real life.

My DH has an addiction to pornography. We have been together for almost 10 years and I have begged and pleaded for him to stop because I find it immoral and it makes me feel terrible. When we were dating I knew that he looked at it occassionally but I figured what guy doesn't and I had no idea the extent of it. Since we have been married we have had some BIG fights over this. He always promises to stop but as soon as I start to trust him again he goes right back. I caught him again on the computer last night looking at those websites.

I don't go snooping around on him but after he starts up again he usually gets a little lazy at covering his tracks and starts getting braver about when he will look at it. In this case I just walked into the living room after I had been in bed for a while because I wanted a drink. He was not expecting me to get up.

Over the years I forced him into counseling, etc. and nothing seems to help. He only goes because I want him to. He says that he wants to stop and that he does not know why he can't but he will not admit that he has an addiction. I don't know what to do anymore.

The whole situation just makes me furious. He is a very good husband/father in every other way but he will actually lie to me about this. He actually has the nerve to tell me that he lies so that he won't hurt me.

I have kicked him out of the bedroom for now because he has really hurt me and I just don't want to share my bed with someone I cannot trust. He is very upset with my decision because he thinks I am being unreasonable.

Should I just learn to put up with this? I guess since I knew some of this went on before we were married I should not be able to complain now but he knew my feelings at the time then as well.

Any advice anyone can give is appreciated.

 

[Kermit]

I don't have any advice, but you'll be in my prayers. If you want some Christian guidance on this, Focus on the Family could probably give you some stuff if you called them.

 

[alias]

Thanks for your advice.

Actually we are Christians and I have tried that approach. DH is in denial because he doesn't think it is a sin and he really thinks that he does not have a problem.

I am really at the end of my rope. I have been dealing with this for far too many years.

 

[WDW2002]

I do not see anything wrong with looking at porn and enjoying it. But if he is truely addicted to it, then there is a problem. Does it cause real problems? Or does it just make you "mad" that he would want to look at naked women?

 

[kejoda]

First of all hugs for you. Since he doesn't think that this is a problem I don't see how you can get him to stop. maybe its time that you thought about yourself. If you can't live this way its time for him to go. It might be the only way for him to realize what he is doing is having a negitive effect on you. The first step I would make is to go into counseling by yourself and figure out if you can live with this or live alone. this is just what I would do for myself, only you know whats best for you. I will keep you in my Prayers.

 

[Blondie]

Does it consume his every waking hour, or is he looking at it as a recreational type thing? I think most men visit those sites, and if they say they don't, or never have, they're probably not telling the truth. Sure there may be a few men who really have no interest...but most do take a look now and then.

I really have no other advice except to say that if it really bothers you, and he can't stop out of respect for you, then he needs to make a decision as to what is more important, his marriage, or internet porn.

 

[DopeyRN]

I understand where you are coming from and I would be upset too. You have gotten some good advice. You are in my prayers.

 

[KaraKW]

I agree wholeheartedly with kejoda's advice. {{{HUGS}}}
Kara

 

[Kallison]

Since you said father - ask him how he would feel if his daughter made her living that way or how about you? I don't buy the argument that most men look at it, maybe when they are having raging hormones as teens. The raciest my DH gets is Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Would he want his kids to stumble across him looking at it, or all the spam emails that it generates? I would have a problem with that too. I hope you resolve the issue.

 

[fireplug]

I think before you do something like "tell him its time to go" maybe you should ask yourself if it is the naked pictures or the deceit and lying. Once you have that answer then talk to him about why you are hurting so much. Only when he fully realizes how much he is hurting you, can you expect any changes.

Good Luck ............

Steve

 

[one_cat]

Alias I understand how you feel, however I struggle with the idea that the marriage will end because of this problem. You say that he is a great husband/father in every other way. Does this addiction cause problems in your sex life or in any other part of your life. If so then you need to do whatever you can to either fix the problem or exit the situation/marriage. If not then maybe you should think about learning to live with it because you are obviously not going to change him. He needs to change himself. Is there any way that you can make it known to him that you haven't changed - you still hate the porn, but you love him and married him for better or worse and will live with his faults? No one is perfect. Is this really a big enough deal to destroy an otherwise good marriage?

It's a tough situation. I'll pray for you guys.

 

[Buckalew]

I, too, will keep you my prayers. I feel the same as Kallison. I am not a "boys will be boys" type of girl so I don't buy into that. Sure, I may be wrong about that but it is my standard and I won't let it in our house--computer or magazines. Luckily, it hasn't been an issue because I think it is probably hard to deal with.
I wish you all the best in what you decide that you need to do and what you all decide about the issue for the sake of your marriage.
Addiction is a terrible thing. (I'm addicted to the place --I'm serious--and would have a hard time never visiting here again.)

 

[Crissup]

Hmmm.... Let's see... Many couples are splitting because one side or the other can't remain faithful. In your case, you have a DH that looks at pictures on a web site. Regardless of the fact that he is a good husband and father, you want to split up over this. If this is truly a such a large issue with you that would split the family and end up forcing the children to live in a split home, then I suspect there are more problems here than just one person looking at porn.

I think you need to reevaluate your priorities.

 

[Liz]

Sometimes I think I must really live in an isolated world. I don't consider myself naive at all, but I'm really astounded that several people think this is no big deal.

Alias, I have no advice but I will pray for you. This would be a very big deal to me too. I'm sorry for the pain this is putting you through.

 

[Buckalew]

Liz, I feel the same way. God knows I must have been lucky to ended up with my DH because I'd make some man pretty miserable when it came to this subject! LOL
There are many women out there who are not bothered a bit by this activity (boys will be boys etc.) I guess I expect a lot more from DH.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>Good luck in whatever decision you undertake.

I don't have any advice, just opinions, and I'll hold those.

I will, however, send you a hug. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree with Dr. Laura's assessment of porn. It is NOT an addiction, it is a choice.

Now as far as me, my personal feeling aka what I would do...If he was choosing porn all the time over work, family, and me everyday, nope I couldn't handle that. If he was "chatting" with "gals" all night instead of coming to bed, nope I wouldn't take that either. I would cancel the internet and/or throw the monitor/and or computer in the trash or street or sell the darn thing. Then tell him well since counseling didn't work you thought you would try a different approach. I do love my computer but I love my family more.
If he occasionally looked at it well I might not like it but I wouldn't break up my family for that.

HUGS to you...I don't know the right answer for you, sounds like a difficult time.

 

[B3LM]

I think you need to reevaluate your priorities.

First, I REALLY can't believe that comment!

I will tell you that I would be furious if my DH was spending time looking at internet porn. But, I also think that he would be absolutely furious with me if it were the other way around.

I kind of liked The Mystery Machine's advice on getting rid of the computer. (Although, I think I'd have to shoot my DH if he got rid of my computer so that I couldn't DIS! )

I guess I look at it as a lack of respect for you. Have you considered going to counseling yourself to talk to someone about it? I did that when I was having family problems and it helped me tremendously.

I hope that you and your DH are able to work through this somehow.

 

[Tiger Fan]

I haven't dealt with this personally, but know of 2 families that things started this way and it only got worse. For this reason I feel that things must change. I also disagree with this "boys will be boys" kind of attitude and would not tolerate this kind of thing if it were upsetting me like it is you. My best to you, I will keep your family in my prayers.

Lisa

 

[Tiggerlover91]

Originally posted by WDW2002
I do not see anything wrong with looking at porn and enjoying it. But if he is truely addicted to it, then there is a problem. Does it cause real problems? Or does it just make you "mad" that he would want to look at naked women?

Please forgive me, but I think that is a real rude and mean thing to say about her being "mad" because her husband looks at naked women. Are you married? Is it okay for your DH to look at a naked woman? Pornography is a sin....period!!! Read it in Matthew:
Matt 5:27-29
27"You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.' 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

I have been right where you are now Alias with the exception of having children. DH was heavy into pornography and had the magazines too. Thank GOD, and it was HIM, DH is not there anymore. If you want to talk more one on one just PM me or email me. I know how you feel, really I do. I have sooooooo much more to say, but here is not the place.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and blessings to you sweetie.

Sincerely,

~~~Denise