DH has an addiction (warning: adult issue)

[TheLionKing]

People, the original poster is asking for advice.

She is not asking for your personal opinion on what is sinful or what you feel is or is not acceptable.

If it keeps going like this, then this will be banished to the Debate Board.

Let's try to stick to giving advice?

If you want to debate what pornography is and its cost to society, start it up on the Debate Board. We love those kind of discussions.

 

[EROS]

Originally posted by bizybea
it's viewing hard core material and, to me, would be the same as engaging in it. I think it's wrong.

No flames from me, but we clearly DISAGREE about this . If viewing naked women is "stimulating" for a man......and brings on "erotic thoughts"........then how different is the viewing of couples engaged in sex..........which also is "stimulating".

I'm reminded of Jimmy Carter's apology years ago for experiencing, "Lust in my heart" , when he looked at Playboy .

EROS' view........... I would have preferred that Wild Bill Clinton enjoy hard core in the sanctity of the Oval Office than lure some 20 something-yr-old into the inner sanctums with a kiss and a cigar ........

 

[6_Time_Momma]

Also, there is a difference between "looking at naked women" and viewing pornography. Looking at naked women would be opening an issue of Playboy. Viewing pornography would be watching a man and a woman (or two women, or a group) engage in sexual activities.

But, she didn't actually specify what he was doing. Maybe he is "just" looking at pictures. Everyone's definition of pornography is different.

I think the point here is that most women don't feel the same way, and to tell you the truth, most men wouldn't look if they had their SO with them.

This is probably a broad assumption, too.

I guess if I were in the OP shoes, I would have to look at how DH is in the rest of the marriage. She already said he is a good husband and father, so it doesn't sound like he is neglecting her or her children in favor of the porn.

Obviously, he doesn't view it as a sin as she does. She knew he did it before they wer married.

I don't think it is as simple as "He would stop if he loved me."

Best wishes in whatever you decide.

 

[bizybea]

Originally posted by EROS:

If viewing naked women is "stimulating" for a man......and brings on "erotic thoughts"........then how different is the viewing of couples engaged in sex..........which also is "stimulating".

I guess that is true, I'm not a man so I don't know how a man would feel just looking at a naked woman. Men get turned on by anything! I guess my point is, if she feels uncomfortable with it, she shouldn't have to deal with it, and if her husband loves her and respects her, I would think that he would attempt to stop or seek council about it.

 

[EROS]

Originally posted by bizybea

I think the point here is that most women don't feel the same way, and to tell you the truth, most men wouldn't look if they had their SO with them.

Bizy, I'd also point out that many couples rent porn films which they view TOGETHER!!!!!! . In fact, such tapes are also used by psychologists who treat sexual dysfunction. I can certainly respect that YOU would never view such a film, but others may feel quite differently .....

 

[EROS]

Originally posted by bizybea
Men get turned on by anything!

Wait a minute, here .......

Mickey Mouse, poison ivy, seaweed, gum wrappers, and bagels do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for me . Everything else in life has possibilities

 

[ripleysmom]

" I'd also point out that many couples rent porn films which they view TOGETHER!!!!!!"

Really Eros?



(whistles innocently as she looks for that halo smiley....)

 

[SilverLily]

It doesn't matter if your expectations are completely random, such as no wearing purple on Thursday. If it bothers you, he needs to decide if he loves you enough to make you feel better.

Well, snoopy, leave it to me to argue with what Kermit said above.
I don't agree that it doesn't matter if her expectations are completely random. If she has unrealistic expectations or silly expectations (I'm not saying that the OP does, just any married person in general), then it would be a recipe for disaster to ask a spouse to live up to them. I just think that the "you would change if you love me" attitude is a dangerous game to play. It could lead to resentment down the line. I think it would be much better for BOTH parties to come to some sort of compromise, than to see one person sit back and watch the other one jump through hoops to please them.

(Edited to say that I feel this way only about things that may bother one partner in the marriage....not about addictions. If one spouse has an addiction, then obviously you wouldn't make a compromise about the addiction.)

 

[EROS]

Originally posted by EROS


Bizy, I'd also point out that many couples rent porn films which they view TOGETHER!!!!!!

LOL, Ripleysmom . OF COURSE, I want to make it clear that I'd NEVER suspect that ANY DISers would rent such tapes; we're waaaaaaaaaaaaay tooooooooooo righteous here to engage in such activity.................... I was referring to the REST of society ..........

 

[ripleysmom]

 

[Saffron]

Hi alias -

I hear what you're saying and I understand your feelings. Trust is an important foundation in any relationship. No matter where the two of you stand on the issue of pornography, I hope you are able to come to an agreement that is satisfactory for both of you. It sounds like you truly love each other, but there are trust issues that are driving a wedge between you two. It sounds like you would like to stay together and that you want to work things out. I hope you can. Best wishes to you.

 

[one_cat]

Maybe I should post a poll: Who rents erotic movies to enhance their sex life? Nah - better not go there.

 

[jipsy]

I guess I am wondering what Alias' definition of "looking at porn" is. Is he checking out Jennifer Anniston in her nakedness or is he downloading the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee video and watching that?

My boyfriend and I have looked up porn on the internet together, because he's not very computer savvy and he didn't know how to find it It doesn't bother me that he likes to look at beautiful women's bodies; in fact, I reap the benefits But regardless, there are also some pretty whacked out things out there, like women and animals which we both find disgusting.

Everyone's feeling on this subject is different. I think that TLK gave some very good advice for Alias - great questions they both need to sit down and ask themselves and talk about. Whether it's a moral issue for Alias that her husband looks at this, or if it makes her feel less of a woman because he finds other women attractive are things they both need to discuss and understand.

Personally, I could care less if my boyfriend looks at it. As I said earlier, it turns him on and I get the benefit of that. Not all men go from looking at naked women on the net, to finding chat rooms and then having internet affairs. Some just enjoy a woman who has a good body. I'm never going to be a Victoria's Secret model and I know that and I am comfortable with that. The women who have the body to wear VS in an advertisement have chosen to look that way and more power to them. I understand that he appreciates their beauty and their hard work, but I also understand that he comes home to me every night and I wake up next to him every morning and when we are intimate, it is me he is with. He chooses to be with me. So, I am confident enough in our relationship to trust him. Which is what I really think this is all about. Confidence in herself as a woman and trust in her husband.

Every couple is different. Every couple has to decide what works for them. There are very deep seated issues in our society over this subject and everyone has an opinion. Counseling about sexual feelings would be the best route for Alias and her husband. Telling him to leave because porn makes YOU uncomfortable is not the best route. Neither is spouting off bible verses; as someone said earlier, not everyone believes in the bible. You need to truly find out why it makes you uncomfortable and he needs to find out why he needs to continue to look at it, even behind your back.

Best of luck to you. If I were you, I would go find a counselor who specializes in this field, rather than ask 30,000 people on an internet BB.

 

[EROS]

LOL, ONE_CAT .

I think that you should focus instead upon your membership in the Hang 'Em High club . I mean, let's face it..............Porn tapes are faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar more IMMORAL than STATE SPONSORED MURDER . Right??? Of course, Right ..........

 

[one_cat]

Jipsy - I love your clipart...

 

[one_cat]

Eros I was thinking of branching out. However I see your point. Discussing erotica is pretty much uncharted territory on the dis while discussing murder and execution is really quite passe'. Maybe I should stick with what is safe? Or maybe, like you, I should live on the edge? Hmmm... I can make that decision tomorrow...

 

[Blondie]

and if her husband loves her and respects her, I would think that he would attempt to stop or seek council about it.

This also could be said in reverse....if SHE loves him and respects him, then she would accept the fact that he enjoys viewing naked woman in the privacy of his own home. And if they truly respect each other, they could come to some kind of compromise.

I look at it this way....as long as he's holding down a job (and the internet porn isn't effecting his job) and he's a good/loving husband and a good/loving father, let him have his "hobby." I would hope that he has enough decency to not let your children have access to the porno sites, or be in his presence when he is enjoying his "hobby."

It's when it starts interfering with his family life and his job, and when he starts avoiding his family and responsibilities that it becomes a problem/addiction--JHMO.

Alias, I truly hope you can work through this together with your DH. I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[Claudia1]

Being married for 26 years, I can tell you that I would be quite offended if I ever found evidence in the computer "history". Not only is it sneaking around behind my back (doing something that has never been a part of our marriage), it is not being honest and would definitely affect other parts of our marriage and family like.

When it comes times to discuss puberty and such personal questions, I would feel a distrust about him doing it. If he lies to me, how can I be sure that our kids would not find out in some fashion?

We have had to learn how to "hang tough" together. Any addiction would be hard for me to handle, personally, and would interfere with our united relationship.

I know that some public websites sell email addresses and porn spam is common. I would be offended if I saw a barrage of them everytime I checked emails.

Many aspects of our church life would be uncomfortable. Certain sermons would always cause pain on my part.

I would always wonder if the intimate times were because he loved me or for another reason.

These are just my opinions. You may not agree. You don't have to agree. Opinions are just that...... opinions.

I will be praying for you.

 

[Buckalew]

From OP's original post:

When we were dating I knew that he looked at it occassionally but I figured what guy doesn't and I had no idea the extent of it. 's

Somewhere along the line I think you were mislead into believing this and accepting this as "boys will be boys" behavior. If you hadn't thought this was normal activity then you may have discussed it before your marriage. I'm really sorry that you ever thought this since it is not acceptable to you--esp. now. Porn is so much more accessible nowadays that it will only be a worse problem in the future--well, only for us who would feel it a problem. Others will be reaping the benefits.

Again, good luck to you.

 

[Jenzebelle]

Chalk me up as someone that's going to Hell because not only have I looked at pornography with my husband, I have purchased it for him

Think of me what you will, but as long as he's just looking at pictures and is not seeking elsewhere for his..um...physical fulfillment, I see nothing wrong with it. To me, it's no different from me or anyone else reading trashy romance novel.

I can see where it would bother any woman to have her husband look at porn. I have wondered what those women have that I don't (besides tons of airbrushing) but really it is no different than me reading one of those really steamy and trashy romance novels. Men are turned on more by visual than by literary means.

I would rather have my husband watching porn than out gambling or taking drugs or doing a hundred other things that are more destructive and clandestine. At least this way I can reap the benefits when he is aroused, and we can spicen up our love life by discussing exactly what turns him on about what he sees and how we can incorporate it into real life.

Good luck to you, Alias. I really think TLK offered excellent advice as well as others here. Please take it to heart.