DH has an addiction (warning: adult issue)

[bumcat]

IMO - It's very difficult to give advice when we do not know how serious this has become. Alias you made a statement that you knew about this before marriage and you seemed ok with it then, so either you have changed and you can no longer tolerate it or he has gotten so deep in the porn that it is seriously causing problems in your marriage. You do state he is a good father/husband so I'm wondering if it's pretty much the same as before you were married? IMO - it's hard to ask someone to change if that is the way they have always been. He will need to be the one to decide when to change, you can't control that but you can ask him to agree not to view or bring porno in the house, I believe that might be a good alternative? or a start?

Eros: Your viewing seawood in the wrong way it can actually be quite sexy, next time find a nice spot overlooking the water, on a nice sunny day, and watch the seaweed sway to and fro with the ripples in the water.

 

[EROS]

Bumcat, after reading your post, I'm going to forever look at seaweed in a different light .

EROS stands up and applauds JENZEBELLE for her HONESTY ............and here I thought that I was the ONLY DISer headed for HELL

Of course, I KNOW that there are NO DISers who view R-Rated movies which show................NUDITY..........and couples actually MAKING LOVE . How SINNNNNNNNNNNNNFUL!!!!!!!!

 

[newmousecateer]

I do not know the correct advise to give in this situation.

I do know thatI am sending you major {{{HUGS}}}

 

[Mskanga]

It seems to me there's a deeper issue here...I personally don't find anything wrong with that, I know A LOT of people, male and female who look at porno on the internet , I don't see anything wrong with it as long as it doesn't interfere with anything.

 

[Straycat]

Here is my advice for you, think about love. Do you truly love your husband, if yes, then dont break up the marraige. Work it out somehow. You dont want to lose love. Its too precious a gift.
All he wants is to spend sometime checking out porno sites getting a bit of a turn on, I dont see that it should be a big deal. He cant be going too overboard with it because u say the computer is in the living room, so he is only looking at night when the family is asleep, right? its a release for him, we all need to wind down from the stress of the day somehow, thats his way. If he was doing some drugs everynite, that would be a problem, because he would be endangering his health, but checking out some porno sites, thats just him stimulating his sexual part of himself, not so terrible. Porno doesnt have to be thought of as a bad thing, its all in your perspective. good luck working this out, remember this above all else, love is what matters..

 

[Beauty]

John and I have looked at porno together many times. Somtimes we laugh our heads off, sometimes we watch it. John has looked at naked women on the net and he has a few Playboys although they are mostly really old....I think the latest one he has is of Chyna from WWF. Heck we've even looked at naked men and laughed. This isn't daily...if it was daily then yes I would see it as a problem. I would say more like once or twice every 2 months.

Anyway thats besides the point, the point that I see is about trust. If I had a problem with John looking at naked women on the internet I would say so and he would stop. I have no doubt of that. He respects me, loves me and trusts me. I just don't have a problem with it because its so rare. I do believe the men will be men saying because I also know women look...I would be lying through my teeth if I said I didn't look at men that were attractive.

Honestly I would say John and I have an excellent relationship and marriage. We hardly ever fight and we play and laugh all the time. I would definatly say that the two of you need to really talk because this is obviously hurting your marriage. If it takes someone else talking to the two of you then yes do that. Good luck to you!

 

[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

Wow, this is spooky. I just read an article in the Sept issue of Good Housekeeping that is simliar to your story in some ways. Not sure if it is the same as your situation, but you may want to read it. You/he should seek outside help if this bothers you in anyway. I hope things work out for you!

 

[alias]

Well I don't even know where to begin to respond to some of the comments that have been directed at me. Firstly, I did ask for advice and opinions so I was ready to accept whatever came my way. Secondly, it is very hard to give someone a complete picture of what is occurring in a short post and it was pointed out multiple times that perhaps people needed more information to give a good opinion and/or advice.

I guess I call DH's issue an addiction because he has admitted that he cannot stop. To me if you are engaging in any behavior in a compulsive manner to such a degree that you are physically unable to stop then that is an addiction. As I also mentioned one of the biggest issues is simply an issue of trust. Call me old-fashioned but trust is probably the single most important part of a marriage relationship. A marriage without trust, IMHO, is not a good marriage. It has been touched upon that perhaps my real problem with DH is an issue of trust and not an issue with pornography. That is partially true - I do have an issue with trust in this area but I also have a problem with the pornography.

I have been pretty much made out to be a prude in this thread and several others that have sprouted up on various boards. I do not have a problem with nudity in most contexts. I have ZERO problem with DH looking at art or even the SI swimsuit edition. I have a problem with the types of material that he views on the internet. If this was just an issue with Playboy I would probably have a little more tolerance although I certainly would not be happy. When I mentioned I knew he viewed pornography when we were dating it was more of the soft-core Playboy variety. Over the years it has become racier for lack of a better word.

I do want to thank those of you who took my post seriously and didn't just feel the need to say things such as my DH must only look because he doesn't get any. I even appreciate those of you who disagree with me but where able to express your disagreement in an adult manner. I am very well aware that strangers on an internet bb are not going to give me the answer to my problem but I was hoping that maybe I could be led to a helpful resource to help DH and I deal with this issue. We have talked this issue to death and we always end up in the same place so any new resources that could be directed my way could only help.

Ending my marriage is not something that I would ever take lightly. In fact I never mentioned that I was considering ending my marriage but apparently many thought that is what I was advocating. I simply stated that I was at the end of my rope and that I kicked him out of our bedroom. He understands that me not wanting to sleep in the same bed with him is much more an issue of trust than the porn.

I was looking for help in dealing with this issue. We have done couples therapy in the past, he has been in therapy on his own (where by the way the therapist did feel like he had an addiction) and we have not had much success. Things may temporarily improve but like all addictions there are often relapses especially since DH does not feel that he really has a problem.

Once again I want to thank those of you who were helpful.

 

[EROS]

ALIAS, I would agree that TRUST is central to any healthy relationship. However, LYING is part of any addictive behavior when a loved one tries to exact a "promise" that their mate's addiction will "stop". You see the SAME THING in alcoholism, drug abuse, and smoking. I had a patient whose husband beseeched her to give up cigarettes; in desperation, she'd smoke in the bathroom at home and then try to evacuate the smoke with a fan . She "lied" to him but felt that she had no choice.

You certainly have a right to feel repugnance about pornography is you so choose. I personally see it as much less damaging than other addictions in a marriage, but you and I may differ.
However, IF you set up false expectations of your DH, he most likely will LIE, and you will feel BETRAYED. I'd therefore urge you NOT to exact promises.........they're more destructive than productive. JMHO............

 

[one_cat]

Eros - you are so right!!! It comes down to are you willing to live with the guy the way he is because you aren't going to change him. Unfortunately it always comes back to you.

PS if he is looking at kiddie porn or something like that you need to get him to stop by any method necessary. That will get him thrown in jail.

 

[TigerBear]

If he is looking at kiddie porn, you have way more important issues than him going to jail.

 

[Beauty]

I agree with Eros as well on his point...it makes perfect sense. In all the years I worked with my father, his best friend would come over to smoke. Its because he had promised his wife 4 years ago that he would quit...he didn't. I don't know that I completly agree that he CAN'T but I know how hard it is. I have a stupid addiction to Diet Cokes and I have tried to quit...I just don't have the willpower.

Maybe an important question might be....does he think hes hurting anything? I know he must know its hurting you but does he think you are overreacting or does he realize what a serious issue this is with you? I by no means think you are wrong in your beliefs.....If someone believes in something then that belief is important to them and I don't think anyone has the right to say you are a prude or wrong. Different people choose to live their lives in different ways....what is important is that both partners in a relationship/marriage get along with the decisions of their partner and trust is so key! Am I making any sense?

John has always looked at Playboy, stopped on Cinemax during "adult" content (SSC is the initials I believe) and also looked at the free naked pictures on the internet. I'm also curios so I've looked as well. I don't know if it makes a difference that John is the only person I've been with, and I'm the only person he's been with. NEVER EVER would John cheat on me. Our marriage is super strong but we enjoy looking and discussing this subject...maybe I'm getting to deep...but there are many times I'll ask him "Do you like her body....Why or Why Not" I'm not jealous in the least bit...and John does the same with me...its just curiosity but its also sharing.

Okay that was long and I don't know if I even got my point across but I truly wish you all the luck in the world. It does bother me that he says He can't stop...because that sounds like an addiction. At this moment I would say I CAN'T STOP with my Diet Cokes (I know thats different but its the same too) ....anyway {{HUGS}} and best wishes to you!!

 

[Nikole]

Wow tough issue!

AND snoops we better mark this one down in the books as the day you were more conservative than I!

I honestly have no problems with pornography (unless of course it's something VERY vile or illegal.....) If John wanted to look....he's free to do so. If I want to look...... I know that I am free to do so.

I don't find it degrading or demeaning to women. Quite honestly....um from my ..... LIMITED ...... experience the women don't seem to be too unhappy! OK OK just a joke to lighten people up!

Seriously though, I think the biggest issue is the trust and lack of respect that I think alias's husband is showing. ALTHOUGH not being there not knowing how things are handled it's easy for us to take one position or another and not get it right. If he completely disregards your feelings then yes there is a problem. If he wants to try to reach some sort of compromise......ie not doing certain online activities or limiting them or something than I don't think it is fair for it to be an all or none solution. Compromise is key. It's not compromise if he's just giving in to your demands. While I would do my best to always show my husband respect, if there is an issue I feel strongly about and he feels JUST as strongly about it's opposite.......I can't just CHANGE my entire opinion just to suit his. Communication and compromise are essential. When this can't be reached on your own, then I think that counseling is necessary.

IF this is truly an addiction (interrupting work, spending lots of money, etc) then I'd say he needs some help. If it is because he's hiding it because he doesn't want to upset you then I'd say it's not very respectful BUT he hasn't been given any alternatives that he can live with either.

 

[EROS]

Of course, everyone has their own value systems . Please don't forget my good buddy, WILD BILL CLINTON.

Here's a man who has multiple extramarital affairs throughout his marriage. A man, who as Governor of his state, would jog over to his girlfriend's apartment weekly for sex and then jog back to the Governor's mansion. Soooooooooooo, he runs for the Presidency in 1992 and 1996 and is overwhelmingly reelected. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, but he still felt lonely soooooooooo he latched on to MONICA for a little R&R . Then, perhaps because of his "SEX ADDICTION", or complete lack of CONSCIENCE, he :

LIES TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE .

I personally find his behavior to me MUCH MORE REPREHENSIBLE than a man's viewing of Pornography over the Internet.However, most Americans disagreed and gave him their vote and respect.

 

[Beauty]

Not this American EROS! Being very close to Little Rock I have heard story after story about this man...YUCK! The funny thing is most of the respectable people from his own state can't stand him!

 

[Blondie]

However, most Americans disagreed and gave him their vote and respect.

I didn't vote for him either! I would've rather had Ross Perot for President!

 

[Smee]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to send you some {{hugs}} and to say that I hope that whatever you do it works out for the best.

 

[poohandwendy]

Alias,
The absolute best thing you can do is to use this as an opportunity to learn more about eachother. When you attack, threaten and make it a power struggle ...it is likely that he doesn't see you as wife anymore...he sees you as 'mommy'. There is no way for honesty in the marraige if one of the spouses feels that they will be condemned, ridiculed and shamed for their behavior.

I think the best approach is to sit down and have some honest discussions about fantasy and sexuality. He may be looking at something he doesn't have the guts to ask you for in bed, he may be using porn as an escape from reality. The only way to really get past a problem is to face it head on. This has to be in a calm manner or nothing will be resolved.

You don't have to be open to his viewing porn, but please try to be open to his feelings about it. If he feels he can actually be honest with you without being shamed (or kicked out of the bedroom)...you both may really have an opportunity to enrich your relationship.

I suspect that much of what bothers you is the sneakiness and jealousy over what he gets out of it and if he finds you less interesting than these 'other women', you may be bothered because after 10 years... things just aren't as romantic as they used to be... I am just supposing, only you know how you feel. But if anything I have said is true...your talking to him may reveal that he has a totally different viewpoint.

You two really need to talk, without threats and shame. I hope you find no offense in my post, none was meant. I truly hope you and your DH can find a way to not only resolve this conflict but to respect each other in the process.

Good Luck,
wendy

 

[poohandwendy]

Oops, hit the post rather than edit button...
I wanted to add that the best, most constructive talks I have had with my DH are when I talk about how his behavior affected me rather than accusing him of trying to hurt me. It it usually unlikely that your spouse purposely does things to hurt you...more often they are thinking of themselves only and not how their actions are going to affect someone else. If you push him into a corner with threats, it is highly likely he will just become better at lying to you to avoid the fight. IMO, it is better to actually resolve the issue completely through some sort of compromise. If you accepted this in the beginning of the relationship, it is also likely that he doesn't understand why you think it is such a big deal now. Just things to think about.
Again, good luck,
wendy