DH and I Have Been Fighting Lately

[d.kurz]

Before the locksmith shows up, I just wanted to say...hang in there, Becka! It CAN get better and better. It did for me!!

 

[jipsy]

Profile For becka
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Date Registered:
08-18-1999
Status:
Proud Mommy!
Inspired a thread
Congratulations, Becka!! The TFs sprinkle gentle PD on Becka's
babe
Total Posts:
4898 (4.24 posts per day)

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Profile For Bob NC
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Date Registered:
03-03-2000
Status:
DIS Veteran
Total Posts:
933 (0.97 posts per day)

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I'd say Bob's got a long way to go

Bob you obviously haven't posted here long enough to know that when someone vents, you either must agree with them and send them hugs and pixie dust, or you can't answer the post.

 

[becka]

Originally posted by jipsy

I'd say Bob's got a long way to go

Bob you obviously haven't posted here long enough to know that when someone vents, you either must agree with them and send them hugs and pixie dust, or you can't answer the post.

Back off there Jipsy.

I never said that people had to agree with me - you must have me confused with someone else. I guess you probably think that I am going to have this post locked because I didn't like what someone said.

I just think that how many posts I have is really irrelevant to my vent. If someone wanted to disagree don't you think it would have been more along the lines of: "Gee I think you are expecting too much from your DH....it sounds like he is doing everything that he should do and you are just being whiny, etc.".

 

[yoopermom]

you were my inspiration last night when I got home at nine after running DS hither and yon for hours, only to find DH sitting in the recliner watching tv. I calmly said, "I'm going to bed, please put DS to bed", and I did it (okay, I did close my bedroom door so I couldn't "eavesdrop")! Now DH let him have cake and ice cream first, and probably didn't directly supervise teeth brushing, but DS got to bed, and I got a decent night's sleep (which I really needed with a cold coming on). Thank you for giving me strength!
Terri the Yoopermom

 

[Bob O]

Ditto's to Bob NC, who isnt afraid to go against the group think on this thread when we are only hearing one side of a story and are assuming the man in this relationship is wrong without the benefit of hearing his story and then attacking a dissenting opinion!!!

 

[minniepumpernickel]

I don't think that it's fair to use the logic that "we are only getting Becka'a side, etc". When do we ever know what the other party, spouse/partner is thinking? How can we say that here, but not say it on every thread where someone is talking about a life away from the boards?

Me personally, I'm not qualified to give out relationship advice, lol! I generally tend to take the womans side, because well they are generally the ones that do more child rearing, etc. I meant sometimes, not all the time. Well anyway...

Good luck Becka, I'm sure that everything will work out great eventually!

 

[gina2000]

I think the first year of having your first child is the most stressful time any set of parents can go through. It's a time of major adjustment. And believe it or not, very often the father feels left out.

When DH and I finally sat down to figure out what was going on between us, he confessed that he felt the baby took all of my time and attention leaving very little quality time for both of us. And it's true. I think moms are so tired after trying to do everything perfectly that dads are left out in the cold. And it's reflected in the attitude in helping around the house and with the baby.

I don't have an answer for you. I can tell you, though, that it's worth it for you both to try to listen to each other as much as you can and not to anyone else. That's not to disparage anyone else's opinion. It's just that in order to resolve what's going on between you, you need to talk to each other openly and with love.

 

[Pin Wizard]

He'll keep it up as long as you let him get away with it. Being a single mom from day one when DS was born, I've always done it all. Don't make yourself crazy over it. Learn to let things go for a little while. So the dust bunnies multiply and the laundry piles up a day or two. You'll get to it. But I would think your husband could help with something!

 

[ckr]

What we have here is a perfect example.

BobNC would like to present the perspective that Becka's DH's side isn't being portrayed. Simple to do. Not an offensive idea. Not blasphemy by any means.

BobNC should simply state: "We do not know the other side of the story." He probably would've had a lot of folks agree, including Becka. It may have made her put herself in her DH's shoes to find that there are things he does that she doesn't fully notice or appreciate as well. But instead, a sharp little jab (personal attack?) is inserted.

Perhaps BobNC really believes Becka spends too much time on the DIS and that she should reconsider her time management priorities. If so, has he accomplished his goal -- that of reconsidering her time management priorities? No. He insulted Becka and his goal was not met. Further, she may get caught up in this insanity and spend MORE time on the DIS.

So, BobNC failed. Unless, of course, offering a disenting opinion with some useful advice was not really his goal. Hmmm.....

 

[Lucky4me]

Aw, cmon BobN and BobO. You have to give Becca the benefit of the doubt on this one. Most guys, if they can get away with it, would rather do anything else than change a diaper.

Becca, spell it out for him! Hand him the soiled baby and walk out of the house! Revolt! (lol)

My ex husband refused to change smelly diapers. I needed a break once in awhile, so once in awhile they sat in it. He always pretended they 'just' went. Ha! I don't think (most) men become really good Fathers until they're in their mid to late 30's. Any time before that, they are still infants themselves...

 

[becka]

Originally posted by Bob O
Ditto's to Bob NC, who isnt afraid to go against the group think on this thread when we are only hearing one side of a story and are assuming the man in this relationship is wrong without the benefit of hearing his story and then attacking a dissenting opinion!!!

Where did I attack the dissenting opinion? I did state that I felt the post counts were not really relevant to the vent - that was not an attack on a dissenting opinion. I have yet to see anyone actually give a dissenting opinion that is on topic.

Everything you see on a bb is one side of a story unless both people are posting. Do you always make the assumption that anything anyone posts must not be the truth? If you really feel that everyone is lying then why bother posting on a bb?

I guess if it makes everyone feel better I will get my DH to post on here tonight HIS side of the story. He already read this thread and we discussed it. He just so happens to agree with what I have posted. I guess you will feel different when HE tells you that:

1) I have been responsible for the vast majority of the baby care
2) He is just being lazy sometimes and knows that he has been able to get away with it
3) He does not mind the time I spend here on the boards. He thinks I deserve a break sometimes and thinks the time I spend here is a good stress reliever for me.
4) He is a little uncomfortable with a few baby tasks like bathing and that he will try in the future to not say I don't want to. He will instead tell me he is uncomfortable and we can work on it together. For example with the bathing...he can give DS a bath while I am right there with him until he feels more comfortable.
5) He feels that I sometimes am not appreciative of the little things he does to help me out such as when I sit down to feed the baby and he will bring me a burp cloth or medicine that I forgot to get before I sat down.

That OK's. You probably would not believe it if he showed up to post his "side" of the story. I would just be making it up and posting it as his.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Originally posted by Lucky4me
My ex husband refused to change smelly diapers. I needed a break once in awhile, so once in awhile they sat in it. He always pretended they 'just' went. Ha! I don't think (most) men become really good Fathers until they're in their mid to late 30's. Any time before that, they are still infants themselves...

And some are still infants past that. I once dated a guy who would always try and get my attention whenever I started to do something for my son. Sorry, pal! You lose out! LOL! He can wait...little ones can't.

 

[Blondie]

Well Becka, if it makes you feel any better (at this point) I can relate to what you are going through.

With our first son it was very much the same way. DH was raised that women had their jobs (feeding and changing the baby--as well as all the other housework) and the men had their jobs--working 9-5.

He would occasionally give him his bath, but during the infancy stage, that was about it.

I remember one night, I was completely exhausted. DS#1 was an every 3 hour feeder. I was giving him his 11PM feeding, I had pneumonia, DS was only about 3 weeks old, and I so badly wanted to go to bed. DS was a very slow feeder, took at least 45 mins. He said "well, I'm going to bed." Would it have killed him to say, "here, let me finish and YOU go to bed." I guess so, because I never EVER got that kind of an offer. And I cried and cried.

11 months later, our second DS came along. And DH had no choice but to help out!

But there were many times when it was just me and the two babies! You do what you can. What doesn't get done, doesn't get done. There's always tomorrow....and the next day...and the day after that!

As previously posted, it will get better. But I know how hard it can be in the mean time. {{{hugs}}}

 

[Bob O]

I think BobNC got his point across very well and did so by pointing out a fact and making a observation based on it without any type of personal attack.
And "No benefits of doubt"
And did" he" truely agree or just say he does to avoid even more fighting/arguing on the topic??

 

[shortbun]

New person weighing in here. My ds is 7 so it's
been a while. But, my dh was an equal parent.
He grew up in a "woman does it all household"
so it was no easy feat for him to accomplish this,
I'd venture to say. He bathed, diapered, fed,
clothed and cared for our ds when it was his watch.
We shared care for the first year of ds's life-I worked
and he parented or visa versa. After that, we hired
a friend and neighbor to do some of it and we did
more working as we were going broke!!
We were 40 and 41 when ds was born. We each
had a clear idea of what needed to be done. I had
a hard time holding back from giving instructions-
we tried to make things like bathtime a family event.
We let the housework go- we made our son the
center of our universe. In our house there is no
parent "babysitting". We are simply parenting. Get
your dh involved in the fun. Let some things go and
ask more of him. Being involved will allow him some
extra attention-you time to step back, and create some
great family traditions. Believe it or not, our ds still asks
for us both (sometimes) to sit on the bathroom floor and
talk while he takes a bath-precious time with a 1st
grader with a major social schedule. Becka-we even
changed diapers together...many hands make light work
and we were spending time together. We can actually
"remember when" about dressing ds, bedtime, diapering,
doctors visits. I chose a few things to be fully responsible
for-groceries and laundry(although dh will, without complaint,
move things to the drier if I simply ask). I also am in charge
of our social schedule as dh is currently working full time and
taking 10 hours of school. What I'm trying to say is - you can
have it all. Let go of some things-make others family time.
Step back once your dh is involved and just watch. Tell him
to get over expecting appreciation or thanks for doing what
needs to be done in the house-it's simply common courtesy
for a partner to be a part of it all. Once some of this lightens up-you'll be able to slide in a thanks (after you stop resenting him).
I concur with the idea that you go out-get a pumpkin-get
some coffee/tea and have some grownup time. This year, get
a babysitter(ds will have no scars from being left out) Next
year-take him. Sometimes,
dh and I invoke the "no child talk" policy. It's really hard at first
but once in a while-there needs to be grownup time, really.
Good luck-hang in there. Don't take on any new
responsibilities outside of home right now and
work for "family time". You might actually need to
leave them alone-go out-to get dh started. He
might be scared-weird thought, but I've known men
who admitted later they were afraid to do things,
fearing failure or damaging their own children.
Above all, do not accept what's going on in your
household as "normal". Get him involved in the fun-
HE might even thank YOU later!
mimi

 

[Kteacher]

hugs Becka. went through the same thing at my house when our kids were little (it actually started in the delivery room when DH told me he was going to go take a nap just as my contractions started getting really painful ) Good luck to you

 

[becka]

Originally posted by Bob O
I think BobNC got his point across very well and did so by pointing out a fact and making a observation based on it without any type of personal attack.
And "No benefits of doubt"
And did" he" truely agree or just say he does to avoid even more fighting/arguing on the topic??

I assume you think the "fact" in question is that I spend too much time here and that if I didn't then I could let my DH sit around and do nothing more because I would have the time to do it all, right? BTW, the vast majority of my posts were made BEFORE I had a baby and it was just DH and I. I guess that doesn't count because it must be overall post counts that really tell how much time a person spends here. I could have 10,000 posts and still spend less time here than a person with less than 100 posts. The person with 100 posts may lurk for 20 hours a day while a person with 10,000 may spend 30 minutes a day for several years but they post to almost everything they read. I would say that "quoting" the numbers is like using statistics...they can tell you anything that you WANT them to tell you.

Sorry I forgot that you can't believe a woman. You are always right on every topic.

FYI...just because you may not be man enough to state your true feelings on a topic and have to agree to avoid more fighting with your DW does not mean that every man is that way.

 

[believe]

DH and I went through these things initially, but once we talked about his concerns we were able to work through them. I do agree about giving an alternative (bath or dishes). DH and I are on opposite shifts, that helped him adjust very quickly to doing things for the girls. DH has found that the more he helps that happier we all are

 

[Mskanga]

Becka, first of all {{{{{hugs }}}}}} to you dear, I know this is a very frustrating issue.
I am a SAHM right now but when I had my oldest one I was working first part time and then full time for a while, my dh is one of those who WILL NOT do anything unless you ask. He used to pick up DD from daycare and get home 1/2 hour before me, he thought it was all playtime and watch TV. When I got home, ok, it's time to cook dinner and give DD a bath, which one do you want to do?? of course he went with the bath, then after that the entire ritual of feeding the baby and putting her to bed was his...why?? because I was cleaning, doing laundry and sometimes food shopping too. ONCE he said he didn't want to do it....I left the house and then he HAD to do it, never complained again!
Let me tell you, when DD2 was born, he knew what he had to do and never said one word!
To this day hew still does not do anything unless I ask....when I come home after working 10 hours on weekends and my house is trashed, I simply sit down and do what he does, he then tells the girls it's time to clean and then they ALL clean, if they don't , I just take myself out to eat and then come home , go on my PC for a bit and then go to bed, that gets them going!

 

[WebmasterAlex]

First off anyone can search Becka's profile and see she has been registered since day one. If you go to search and pull posts from the last month, she has had 135 which equals about 4 posts per day... easily done in 20 minutes. I think even a working mother is allowed some time to relax.
We haven't heard his side of the story but she is saying he does very little. I don't have any problem believing that! Look at what some other women have posted and it's not an unusual situation.
And that was a backhanded attack. It would be one thing to say "Are you spending a lot of time doing other things and" another to say to sarcastically ask about racking up 5000 posts on an internet news group.
In the end isn't what she percieves the issue to be what matters anyway?