DH and I Have Been Fighting Lately

[Keli]

Becka, Some parts of life are more stressful than others and you are in one of the hardest ones in my opinion. It's going to get better and sometimes when I am in over my head it helps to remind myself that it's not always going to be this way. BTW, even though this is one of the hardest times the rewards are well worth it. You get to have a beautiful son for the rest of your life.

 

[Steve H.]

Ahhh shucks, Pembo -- I'm just a Dad. A Dad who'll find any chance to spend a little time with his son, even if it's changing his diaper.

 

[Saffron]

{{{{Hugs}}}} Becka. I can't imagine asking for help with something, just to hear, "I don't want to." That would not only make me mad, it would hurt my feelings. I'm sure the two of you will work things out.

 

[Deb in IA]

Oh, got it, becka.

Yes, the "I don't want to" reply WOULD enrage me as well.

I hope you don't mind a personal question. Was he like this BEFORE the baby??? In other words, that kind of response seems incredibly immature and selfish. Did he act that way in other situations as well?

Because if he is only acting this way in regards to the baby, well, maybe it is just that he is inexperienced/insecure around newborns, and that's OK. He'll learn.

But if he acts this way in other areas, well, then you have a bigger problem, and one that will take much longer (and may require some professional counseling) to fix.


By the way, if he pulls that "I don't want to" bit again, you might sweetly remind him that there are a TON of things we do that we don't want to (ie. pay taxes, go to work, etc.) . . .

Good luck . . .

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have to agree with Deb on this one. And I do have my DH would be dead meat if he said, 'I don't want to' to me.
{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[becka]

Deb - I guess in some areas he was always like this but it was much more minor. He has this thing about bathrooms and he just refuses to clean them because he doesn't like to do it. I guess he thinks that cleaning bathrooms just brightens my day. However, outside of a few household chores that he won't do he has never been the type to not do the things I have asked him to help me with.

I think sometimes it is because he is still not entirely comfortable with some baby care areas like the bathing but if he does not do it himself he is not going to learn to be comfortable. However, I think some of it is him just trying to be lazy. He knows how to change a diaper quite well so it must just be laziness to not want to help me out on those occassions. He knows that if he just doesn't want to do it then he can not do it and I will have to because you just cannot put off the needs of a baby.

 

[dizneegirl]

Originally posted by becka
He knows that if he just doesn't want to do it then he can not do it and I will have to because you just cannot put off the needs of a baby.

Well... let him know that he CAN'T not do it... he can't put off the needs of the baby anymore than you can.

Next time he says he doesn't want to, tell him you don't want to either. Then drop Nathan in his lap, and go somewhere else... whether it's to another room, for a walk, or out shopping or visiting.

No offense, but the more he gets to decide what he wants to do, the more he'll keep deciding he doesn't want to do it. He's the daddy. He doesn't get a choice.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Becka my dh does not clean anything that involves using a cleaner and that includes bathrooms. Since you have a cleaning service, why are they not doing the bathrooms because that would be the first on my list. I would have the cleaning service do more.

 

[MerryPoppins]

Have you ever let him know that sometimes YOU have to do things you don't want to? Does he think you like changing poopie diapers? Maybe he needs to see that parenting (being an adult for that matter) is partly doing things that you don't want to, but you HAVE to.

 

[becka]

Originally posted by The Mystery Machine
Becka my dh does not clean anything that involves using a cleaner and that includes bathrooms. Since you have a cleaning service, why are they not doing the bathrooms because that would be the first on my list. I would have the cleaning service do more.

Yes they do bathrooms but I have only had a cleaning service for about 2 months and before that I was in charge of bathroom cleaning. I am thankful that they do the deep cleaning but the bathroom can't go 2 weeks without some minor scrubbing. DH gets pretty annoyed sometimes because I clean before the cleaners come over. I guess it is kind of silly....

 

[JimB.]

ok, deep breath.............................

From a guy's perspective, I will say that I think it is a real shame what you are going through, & that your husband sounds like he is acting like a self-sentered boob.

When our kids were born, they were both REALLY colicy (cry all night/sleep all day). Except for the obvious shortage of the proper feeding equipment, my DW and I alternated sleepless nights. She slept one night, I slept the next. It seemed to work out better that way.

I have never felt that child rearing was "woman's work".

My father did. I guess maybe that's why I don't.

I agree with those that say you need to present your husband with "this or that" choices, not "this or nothing", especially when it comes to things that he REALLY likes to see done.

If that doesn't work, tell him to call me. I'll give him lessons in "Maturity 101".

Good Luck.

 

[Bob NC]

Originally posted by JimB.


From a guy's perspective, I will say that I think it is a real shame what you are going through, & that your husband sounds like he is acting like a self-sentered boob.

Hey, we're just hearing one side of a story here, right. Maybe just maybe the DH in this scenario has some other issues....Hmmm...Maybe watching his DW rack up 5,000 posts on a newsgroup may not be HIS idea of time spent wisely. Just a thought.

 

[Antonia]

5000 posts - very observant.

 

[Planogirl]

Originally posted by Bob NC
Hey, we're just hearing one side of a story here, right. Maybe just maybe the DH in this scenario has some other issues....Hmmm...Maybe watching his DW rack up 5,000 posts on a newsgroup may not be HIS idea of time spent wisely. Just a thought.

How do you know WHEN these posts were made or how long it took to accumulate this many? And of course someone with a baby and a job doesn't need any rest or leisure time. (Spoken with total sarcasm!)

 

[becka]

Originally posted by Bob NC
Hey, we're just hearing one side of a story here, right. Maybe just maybe the DH in this scenario has some other issues....Hmmm...Maybe watching his DW rack up 5,000 posts on a newsgroup may not be HIS idea of time spent wisely. Just a thought.

I wrote something not so nice here but I decided to be the better person and just delete it before I posted.

 

[browneyes]

Originally posted by Bob NC
Hey, we're just hearing one side of a story here, right. Maybe just maybe the DH in this scenario has some other issues....Hmmm...Maybe watching his DW rack up 5,000 posts on a newsgroup may not be HIS idea of time spent wisely. Just a thought.

You're divorced, aren't you Bob? Just a thought.

 

[Bob NC]

LOL...Geez, you all rip this guy for 4 pages and if someone posts anything with a hint of a different perspective.....BAM!!!!

And no, I'm not divorced, but, if I had ripped my wife apart about personal issues, multiple times, in a public forum in front of many strangers...well, I might be.

 

[ellyn2000]

I have to agree that it's pretty normal. When you add to the picture that you have a new child and are trying to juggle the responsibilities of work/parenting/home/being a good wife, it just doesn't seem like it can all be done. I remember great stress when my 3 children were younger, and I didn't work for several years outside the home. The up-side is that they grow up so quickly and things do fall into more of a routine and it gets a little more manageable. Notice I did not say it gets easy. I don't think it ever does. Pixie dust to you. Hang in there.

 

[becka]

Originally posted by Bob NC
LOL...Geez, you all rip this guy for 4 pages and if someone posts anything with a hint of a different perspective.....BAM!!!!

And no, I'm not divorced, but, if I had ripped my wife apart about personal issues, multiple times, in a public forum in front of many strangers...well, I might be.

Well not that it is any of your business but whenever I post a vent about my DH I always use it as a vent to get out some anger and to calm down and then I have DH read the post (gasp!) to get his take on it. I find that it often helps us start a discussion and helps us both to see the other side.

I also don't feel that this is such a personal issue. By the way what multiple times are you discussing? The few times I posted on this thread or are you referring to other posts?

 

[goofygirl]

Hey, we're just hearing one side of a story here, right. Maybe just maybe the DH in this scenario has some other issues....Hmmm...Maybe watching his DW rack up 5,000 posts on a newsgroup may not be HIS idea of time spent wisely. Just a thought.

Bob, do YOU have kids? And if you DO, then why arent you helping your DW with them instead of sitting on HERE posting 932 (and counting!) posts?


"hello Pot? This is Kettle. You're black!"