deleted/please ignore/deleted wrong post

[ilovejack02]

AWWW I am soo sorry about that! I can imagine how much it hurt. I will say that my 19 yr stepson went through a period of acting like that with us too. Now he would have never missed a dinner like that.. but there were other things.
Hell he didnt call me on Mother's day this yr and while I may just be the stepmom to some of ya out there... he lives with us and has since 8th grade minus about a yr in there.

I just say keep trying but dont push to much. Trust me there was a period a yr or so ago with us that I didnt give a hoot if we ever saw him again because he was so inconsiderate. Im glad I didnt act on those feelings.. because time has passed, he is a bit more mature and not so inconsiderate. NOw he is 19 so friends are still pretty darn important... but he is making more of an effort to spend more time with us and his brother. I also make this a very inviting place for all of his friends to hang out too so that helps.

Maybe try having the girls communicate more with him, call him, color him pictures etc.

Good luck!

 

[mommyaof2]

Thanks again guys. I really don't know how to handle this. I am so hurt that I really can't think straight right now. My dh was in tears last night and let me tell you, he does not cry. My dds are crushed and I had to sit them down last night and try to explain why their brother didn't show up for his own party and again why they couldn't go to his graduation. I think the graduation invite was out of their minds until he did this. You see, they don't see him as their half brother, they just see him as their brother. I have always referred to him as their brother and nothing else. The best explanation I could give them was that he simply just forgot. Of course they then asked "How do you forget your own party?" To which I responded, "I guess you will have to ask him next time you see him." Maybe this was not the best response and I honestly don't even know if he will come around for a while, but I honestly did not know what to say to them. My youngest dd 6 was so upset that she was throwing up her dinner from crying so hard. She really is the one that totally adores him and stood waiting by the door the entire time I cooked waiting for him to come. What do you even say to that? What do I say to him?

 

[ilovejack02]

Thanks again guys. I really don't know how to handle this. I am so hurt that I really can't think straight right now. My dh was in tears last night and let me tell you, he does not cry. My dds are crushed and I had to sit them down last night and try to explain why their brother didn't show up for his own party and again why they couldn't go to his graduation. I think the graduation invite was out of their minds until he did this. You see, they don't see him as their half brother, they just see him as their brother. I have always referred to him as their brother and nothing else. The best explanation I could give them was that he simply just forgot. Of course they then asked "How do you forget your own party?" To which I responded, "I guess you will have to ask him next time you see him." Maybe this was not the best response and I honestly don't even know if he will come around for a while, but I honestly did not know what to say to them. My youngest dd 6 was so upset that she was throwing up her dinner from crying so hard. She really is the one that totally adores him and stood waiting by the door the entire time I cooked waiting for him to come. What do you even say to that? What do I say to him?

You tell him how hurt the girls were...and you and your husband. I am not saying this to blow this off, but he is a teenager and they can be a holes ; )... very ego driven. He still needs to be told how much it hurts and how crappy you all feel.
You cant ban him from the family.... trust me I have wanted to do the same a cpl of times ; ).

When my youngest would get upset I did make sure he was on the phone right away calling his brother to talk to him. Can you do that with your kids?
A little guilt isnt a bad thing, it really made Brad feel bad when he hurt his little brother.

I also think maybe its time for Dad and son to spend a bit of time together. Mine hunt and fish and golf together, also video game wars break out frequently at our place and I alway leave the room to let the men in my family have their time.

You all will get through this, it just hurts right now and I know that all you are wanting to do is protect your DH and girls and prob slap the snot out of a teenager ; )

 

[solgent]

My dds are crushed and I had to sit them down last night and try to explain why their brother didn't show up for his own party and again why they couldn't go to his graduation. I think the graduation invite was out of their minds until he did this. You see, they don't see him as their half brother, they just see him as their brother. I have always referred to him as their brother and nothing else. The best explanation I could give them was that he simply just forgot. Of course they then asked "How do you forget your own party?" To which I responded, "I guess you will have to ask him next time you see him." Maybe this was not the best response and I honestly don't even know if he will come around for a while, but I honestly did not know what to say to them. My youngest dd 6 was so upset that she was throwing up her dinner from crying so hard. She really is the one that totally adores him and stood waiting by the door the entire time I cooked waiting for him to come. What do you even say to that? What do I say to him?

Wow, that sounds so tough. It must be so hard to see your DH & especially your kids heartbroken.

I think, honestly, that although it is so sad that your kids have to get this lesson, I would start to try to explain to them that you can't control what other people do. Maybe he just doesn't feel as close and connected to your family as you do to him. You've tried to talk to him about it and he doesn't seem to have anything to say. You don't want to get into accusing him or reproaching him or guilt-tripping him or hassling him. That would only drive him further away. I don't know what you can do other than try to keep your and your DDs expectations in check and be very warm and welcoming and try to have good times when you see him. Keep in touch and keep telling him that you care and maybe he'll appreciate it more in the future than he seems to now.

I recently saw the movie "Into the Wild." The main character is a charming, intelligent, fun-loving person who was close to his sister, very angry with his parents, took off and never got in touch with them. Once people are old enough to be on their own, they are going to choose their own path, and there's nothing you can do other than try to accept it.

 

[kimsuenew]

Okay, I will try to be brief. I know this has nothing to do with Disney, but I know you guys will help. My stepson is graduating this weekend and he only gets a set number of tickets to give out. He is only giving us 2 and there are 4 of us. Myself, dh, and our 2 girls (his half sisters). Our girls don't understand why they cannot go and frankly I am a little upset about it. His mom is not married so that is only one for her. He only has one set of grandparents so that is 2 more. So, should anyone else be more important than his own sisters? If I am overracting tell me, but I am having a hard time explaining to them why they cannot see their brother graduate. They don't see the difference in half brother or not, to them and to me he is their brother. There have many things lately that he has done to us that seem to exclude us in his life also, but that is a different story. I just don't know how to feel. On one hand, I feel like not attending because it will hurt my girls, but if I don't go, it will hurt him. I feel like nobobdy wins here. How should I handle this? Sometimes I think it is way harder being a stepmom than an mom. I am both, and I can tell you that stepmom is harder most of the time.

The son my school attended k-9 (homeschool 10,11) and will return to next year and graduate from, has thier Grad Ceremony at the County Civic & Convention Center.

He will only receive 4 tickets so DH and I take 2, that leaves 2 more for four Grandparents, 4 Aunts, 4 Uncles, and several cousins (he is our only child so sibs are not in the mix). We just plan on giving one ticket to the Grandparents on my side, one to the Grandparents on my husbands side, and then let those couples decide which of the Grandparents will represent that side.

We plan to invite those that could not attend to an intimate Grad Party, it is the closest we can get to having them there. We plan to show the video of the ceremony at the party, so the family and close friends missing out can see the ceremony.

Perhaps you can take your daughters to his party and they can be part of it that way.

It is sad but perhaps not his fault. No one knows exactly why you were only alloted two, perhaps mom has a signifigant other you are not aware of, or there are close family friends he wanted to invite, or a "special friend" he wanted to come, or even that they wanted it to be adults and not include younger kids (just some possible scenarios).

I would just explain to the girs that "bubby" only got a few tickets so they cannot attend but will get to go to his party!

 

[kimsuenew]

Wow, I posted right from where I read the OP (without looking at the whole thread) so the post above is what I meant origionally, but now (having read her other post about the party) I am so sad for the girls.

 

[puffkin]

Please, please, please don't take this the wrong way.....because I think what he did with dinner is terrible and I would be very hurt as well.

But, to me, it sounds as if your girls may be a bit "smothering" (for lack of a better word). And that isn't a bad thing. But think about it from a teen age boy's point of view. Their life is all about image and having a good time and themselves. Not hanging out with very young sisters....especially sisters that don't see him every day.

Your DD's sound like they love and adore their brother, and it might be a bit much for him. I am sure he did not intentionally mean to hurt their feelings, but he probably has no "clue". Maybe all the fuss and attention from the girls irritates him and "hurts his image". Who knows what goes on in a teenagers mind......but I am just trying grasp at straws for what is going on here.

I think your DH should have a talk with him......and let him know how much he hurt you and the girls. And leave it at that......I wouldn't push it further or you will only alienate him. And if/when he comes around the next time, try not to let the girls all over him, KWIM Teenagers need space and maybe he will be more comfortable hanging out with you guys then.

 

[tina_la]

At first when reading your post I thought it was possible he didn't invite your girls because of thier ages and this being more of an adult function.

After reading your last post about him blowing off your family celebration for him. That is unbelieveable. I guess as an outsider looking in on the info you have given something is really wrong. Not sure if this is mom's influence or if he just just a very self absorbed kid. It is totally not acceptable behavior and then just to say he forgot is ridiculous. For some reason it looks as though he has a chip on his shoulder or something IS bothering him. The standard "nothing wrong" is untrue. Something is VERY wrong for him to treat his family with such disreguard. Your DH needs to take DS aside and speak with him alone to get to the bottom of this whatever it is.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

It's true that teenagers go through a lot when the make that transition from high school to college. They want to be with their friends all the time because they know that things are really changing for them and, in all honesty, even if they don't say it...they're scared.

Here's what I would do. I would sit down and write him a letter, telling him exactly how you feel. Not a mean...you're a bad person letter....just a "Dear Son" note that explains how much he means to your family and how missing this dinner made his father cry and made his sisters cry too. If done well, it can 1) call him on the carpet...gently; 2) remind him that he is part of a family -- one that loves him very much; and 3) remind him that his actions...even the unintentional ones...matter. Speak to him adult to adult. Tell him how you have enjoyed watching him grow from an awkward boy into a young man. Let him know that you've been sensing that he is distant and that is concerns you. Tell him that if it's all about finding his way in the world, then you understand but that you will always have a space in your home and heart for him, no matter what.

Chances are, a tender note will have an impact that is much greater than yelling...and will also make him see things a bit differently. It's one of the greatest gifts that my mother ever gave me when I was a young and "irresponsible" teen who "forgot" things!

Karen

 

[mommyaof2]

At first when reading your post I thought it was possible he didn't invite your girls because of thier ages and this being more of an adult function.

After reading your last post about him blowing off your family celebration for him. That is unbelieveable. I guess as an outsider looking in on the info you have given something is really wrong. Not sure if this is mom's influence or if he just just a very self absorbed kid. It is totally not acceptable behavior and then just to say he forgot is ridiculous. For some reason it looks as though he has a chip on his shoulder or something IS bothering him. The standard "nothing wrong" is untrue. Something is VERY wrong for him to treat his family with such disreguard. Your DH needs to take DS aside and speak with him alone to get to the bottom of this whatever it is.

I totally agree with you on the fact that my DH needs to get to the bottom of this. You just don't treat family this way. If this was one of my dds, I would never allow this kind of behavior. I have always tried my best to treat him like my own, so why should now be any different? I really have a feeling that it is his mom's influence though. She has always been extremely difficult and it would not suprise me. If she is the culprit, I hope that he finds out and sees it for what it is. I have always bitten my tongue and never bad mouthed her in front of him because I respect that she is his mother no matter what, but if I do find out that it was her, we will have words. I do love him and have been in his life for 12 years. I am not going to be pushed out unless he flat out tells me to get out. I wouldn't let one of my children do this either. It is just really hard when you have tried and tried over the years and basically get spit on.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

You know, I'd be angry with him too....and disappointed. His mom might be the culprit...but it might be him too.

I think you'd be surprised what a difference that note might make. Whatever you do, don't yell in the note.

Good luck ( and if you need a reader for the note, you can PM it to me and I'll gladly give you my 2 cents).

Karen

 

[mommyaof2]

It's true that teenagers go through a lot when the make that transition from high school to college. They want to be with their friends all the time because they know that things are really changing for them and, in all honesty, even if they don't say it...they're scared.

Here's what I would do. I would sit down and write him a letter, telling him exactly how you feel. Not a mean...you're a bad person letter....just a "Dear Son" note that explains how much he means to your family and how missing this dinner made his father cry and made his sisters cry too. If done well, it can 1) call him on the carpet...gently; 2) remind him that he is part of a family -- one that loves him very much; and 3) remind him that his actions...even the unintentional ones...matter. Speak to him adult to adult. Tell him how you have enjoyed watching him grow from an awkward boy into a young man. Let him know that you've been sensing that he is distant and that is concerns you. Tell him that if it's all about finding his way in the world, then you understand but that you will always have a space in your home and heart for him, no matter what.

Chances are, a tender note will have an impact that is much greater than yelling...and will also make him see things a bit differently. It's one of the greatest gifts that my mother ever gave me when I was a young and "irresponsible" teen who "forgot" things!

Karen

Thanks Karen. This is actually a great idea that I haven't even thought of. Maybe I will sit down after I cool down about this (I don't want to do it in anger)and I will send him an email or write a letter. I guess my worst fear is that he is getting into something he doesn't need to be in or that he is acting out because he thinks that we just don't care. You can still love your kids and not agree with their actions.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

Could I suggest that you hand write a note and give it to him in person -- don't mail it (because if the mom is really the problem he might never get it). Call him and tell him you have something to drop off and could you come by in 20 minutes....

I still have the one my mom gave me in August of the year I graduated from high school. I took it with me to college and it sure made it easier to call home when things got tough...(and it made it easier to call her whenever I had a problem). Yes, I realize you are a "step"mom...but you are still very much a mom!

Karen

 

[mommyaof2]

Could I suggest that you hand write a note and give it to him in person -- don't mail it (because if the mom is really the problem he might never get it). Call him and tell him you have something to drop off and could you come by in 20 minutes....

I still have the one my mom gave me in August of the year I graduated from high school. I took it with me to college and it sure made it easier to call home when things got tough...(and it made it easier to call her whenever I had a problem). Yes, I realize you are a "step"mom...but you are still very much a mom!

Karen

The only thing that I thought of about this is what about my dh. He is the dad and I don't want to over step my boundaries. I think I will talk this over with dh first. What if he wants to be the one writing the note. I just don't know how to do it so that he knows how everyone feels, not just me. I am not the only one that is hurt over this. Thanks for your idea about the letter though. It really might be the only thing we can try right now.

 

[polineedyan]

mommyaof2..not about being a step parent, its about how many tickets he gets. Its his graduation, and I guess he can decide who he wants there. I dont think his sisters are really as concerned about it as you may be.

 

[mommyaof2]

I just want to thank you all for being so kind and for all of the wonderful advice. If anyone has anything further to add or personal experience, please tell me. I really am willing to do whatever it takes to try and fix the relationship with our child. I am really hoping though that he is just being an inconsiderate teenager. I just have no experience dealing with it, so I just don't know if it is or not.

 

[megveg]

I have read this whole thread and I just want to say good job being strong through all of this! Im so sorry you, your DH and your two little DDs were hurt. I graduated yesterday and yeah I wanted to be with my friends but if my parents planned something, I would have went to that instead.

Again, Im sorry you had to deal with this but keep your head up.

 

[mommyaof2]

I have read this whole thread and I just want to say good job being strong through all of this! Im so sorry you, your DH and your two little DDs were hurt. I graduated yesterday and yeah I wanted to be with my friends but if my parents planned something, I would have went to that instead.

Again, Im sorry you had to deal with this but keep your head up.

Thank you so much! It is so nice to hear from someone that is his age. I really appreciate it.

 

[disykat]

I have to ask a question and I'm trying not to make it a flame. Are people supposed to stop paying child support on a child's 18th birthday even if that child hasn't graduated from high school yet? I've always assumed it was until graduation because of living expenses.

It does sound like the root cause of the upset is probably that the mom is upset over the child support issue. Your dh should try to get that worked out so all parties involved know exactly who is helping pay for what until his son is independent (or until a reasonable age for him to be independent). Most kids take a while beyond their 18th birthday to become financially independent.

 

[mommyaof2]

I have to ask a question and I'm trying not to make it a flame. Are people supposed to stop paying child support on a child's 18th birthday even if that child hasn't graduated from high school yet? I've always assumed it was until graduation because of living expenses.

It does sound like the root cause of the upset is probably that the mom is upset over the child support issue. Your dh should try to get that worked out so all parties involved know exactly who is helping pay for what until his son is independent (or until a reasonable age for him to be independent). Most kids take a while beyond their 18th birthday to become financially independent.

Actually, it depends on what the divorce papers say and they agreed 18 not high school graduation. That happened long before I came along. Keep in mind that there is no dealing with the ex, she is difficult and has never seen eye to eye with my dh on how to raise my stepson. How we have handled this though, is to give money directly to my stepson to help with his expenses. His mom has been irresponsible many times in the past and we have had to foot the bill on top of support. So, we had a conversation with her and with him right before he turned 18 and it turned ugly with the ex not with my stepson. Like I said, we are still paying for things, not directly to her though. We help with his gas, we payed for half his prom, half of his graduation things, we give him spending money, we buy him clothes at the change of every season, just like we do for our dds together. I also have him come by every couple of weeks and give him food from my pantry and steaks and such from my freezer, etc. whatever he picks out he can have. We are paying for half of his college also. I don't know what more we could be doing from a financial standpoint.