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[logansmummy]

Surely he doesn't know that your upset, or that you and your hubby are upset, or think your mad at him right? Schools are sticklers about stuff like that. Call the school or see if any friends have extra tickets. Totally not his fault. Have the sisters make him a special "sibling breakfast for him" they can share his day with him, after graduation make ressies to a very nice dinner so you can all be together. Just a suggestion

 

[lmillercrew]

Could it just be that he only got so many tickets and that's it? He did give you two tickets which would allow you and your husband to be there. I am a stepmom myself and if my stepdaughter only invited her dad, then that's it. HE is her father and he's really the only one that NEEDS to be there. I've been stepping since she was 10 mos old, and she does have 3 half sibs, but really her father is more important to her than the rest of us.

 

[ilovejack02]

What you are saying is true... but because it's a fact, doesn't mean it has to be an issue.

My sister has children who are half-siblings. One day I heard someone say, "Oh, they are half sisters," to which she replied, "There is no half anything is our house."

I'm adpoted and I don't believe my mother(adoptive mother) could have loved me more, had I been her own.

There are plenty of families with half and step children/siblings, and the love they share, would be no greater, if they shared the same genetic make-up.

I have never referred to my children as half anything and would def correct anyone who would.

I dont think ive ever heard my DS19 refer to my little one as that either, dont think it has ever crossed his mind.
He sometimes refers to me as his mom and sometimes step... and Id want to bet sometimes the word that rhymes with WITCH

Op's family hasnt had the luck we had with my son's bio mom and that is prob very difficult for all parties. It def prob has affected the relationship between son and father. and SHAME ON BIO MOM for doing that, every boy needs lots of time with their daddy ( if they are a good person)
My DH's ex was very giving with visitation and he even has been living with us since 8th grade.
Like others have said maybe he does feel like he is betraying his mom!
Just keep on loving him, encourage dad to spend more one on one with him.
I do that with my hubby and our oldest and they both seem to appreciate it.
I find as my oldest gets older he is figuring out things that his mom did wrong and is continuing to do all on his and is coming to appreciate his dad and I more and more.
I always told his dad that one day he would figure out the mind games his mom played with him and I think that time has come. He of course still loves his mom as he should, he just knows now that the crap she liked to tell him about us isnt so true.

This will all work out, its apparent you all love him and that is what is most important!

 

[Rylee]

I have never referred to my children as half anything and would def correct anyone who would.

I dont think ive ever heard my DS19 refer to my little one as that either, dont think it has ever crossed his mind.
He sometimes refers to me as his mom and sometimes step... and Id want to bet sometimes the word that rhymes with WITCH

Op's family hasnt had the luck we had with my son's bio mom and that is prob very difficult for all parties. It def prob has affected the relationship between son and father. and SHAME ON BIO MOM for doing that, every boy needs lots of time with their daddy ( if they are a good person)
My DH's ex was very giving with visitation and he even has been living with us since 8th grade.
Like others have said maybe he does feel like he is betraying you all.
Just keep on loving him, encourage dad to spend more one on one with him.
I do that with my hubby and our oldest and they both seem to appreciate it.
I find as my oldest gets older he is figuring out things that his mom did wrong and is continuing to do all on his and is coming to appreciate his dad and I more and more.
I always told his dad that one day he would figure out the mind games his mom played with him and I think that time has come. He of course still loves his mom as he should, he just knows now that the crap she liked to tell him about us isnt so true.

This will all work out, its apparent you all love him and that is what is most important!

Yea... you have to love your children more than you hate your ex.

 

[tina_la]

I guess my worst fear is that he is getting into something he doesn't need to be in

I thought this too but didn't want to post because I really don't know your situation. Since you have the same feeling there may be something to it. Anytime there are major attitude changes it sends up red flags that something is wrong.

IMO I wouldn't send a letter. It is too easy for your DSS (or his mom if he shows it to her or she reads it) to misunderstand or take the wrong way. MIght cause a bigger riff. I would let DH handle it. I always think face to face is better.

BTW- I would let DH handle this with just the two of them. DSS might feel more open if it's just himself and his dad talking.

 

[DisFlan]

He's living mostly with his mother. His mother isn't getting any child support for him. He is all she has. Now he has to "betray" his mother and have a party with his father, step mother and half sisters. This must be pretty hard for him. You don't know what he is going through with his mother, what he hears from her. I'd bet it's not something pleasant.

By not showing up at the party, he showed his mom that he doesn't really care about the rest of you. That he was loyal to her.

He's still a kid who doesn't deserve the grief everyone is giving him. He's an 18 yr old "adult" (by the court), who doesn't really hasn't had that great a life because he's had to try to make his mother happy, his father happy, his step mother happy, his half sisters happy, but nobody really cares about his happiness. He's not the center of anyone's world.

Good post, Deb. This is probably closer to right than anything else. He's probably not a bad kid and this is tough on him, too.

The night our son graduated from HS we had a huge party, everything was great - until my DS's girlfriend picked that night to break up with him. (As a Mom, I could have strangled her - but it actually worked out for the best.) Even HER parents were PO'd about her timing. Big argument ensued, lots of tears, yada yada. It definitely put a damper on things and ruined the party for everyone else. Things happen. Kids do dumb things without thinking about the extended consequences. I'm sure the girlfriend (she wasn't really a bad kid) didn't intend to ruin the whole night for everyone concerned, but that's what happened.

Right now, I'm pretty sure the OP's stepson is feeling like he's ruined everything, too. It'll take time - and (calmly) talking it out. And some TLC - from both sides. But this too shall pass.



DisFlan

 

[ChrisAlli]

I just want to add, being a child of divorce, who lived with mom and she did say things about dad, not bad, but not nice....she has held a grudge for a long time. Anyway, it always felt wierd to me about wanting to spend time with my dad. I felt disloyal to my mother, he's the one that left, had a new girlfriend, nicer house, trips to Hawaii...things like that. So I always sided with my mom. Not until I moved in with my dad after highschool, to go to college, did I see how it really was. My dad never has said anything about my mom, living with him, I can see their differences and wonder why the heck they got married in the first place. Plus we became closer.

It's still hard and I'm a grown adult with a family now. My mom still makes me feel guilty about spending time with my dad, but that's her issue and she needs to move on, it's been over 25 years for gods sake.

I just think, since your stepson was primarily raised by his mother, listening to her, seeing you go on nice vacations, raise two girls, not matter how hard you try, it's not the same as having your mom and dad raise you together in the same house. In time hopefully he'll see things for what they are, on both sides and learn from it. I know I have.

 

[sunnyday123]

Yea... you have to love your children more than you hate your ex.

and that truly is the key. He might also feel a little overwhelmed with the whole "we aren't step's we are family" blending....I know some kids feel it is what it is and when they don't have that one on one time with the bio-parent feel a little alienated and will lash out. My x's gf does this and it only causes huge fights because my x wants to do some stuff with just DD as he only sees here 1 night a week and every other weekend. I think any kid from a divorced home should have that one on one time and he could be as simple as him feeling pressured. Good luck .

 

[jennifer.myers]

Well, I thought I would just update all of you on our dinner today. Well, my stepson did not show up. I had bought steaks, made side dishes, salad, bought decorations and a decorated special cake for him and he didn't show. My dh is crushed along with the rest of us. Honestly though, this is his typical behavior lately. That is one of the reasons for my original post, because he is very inconsiderate here lately. He always seems to forget when it comes to us. My dh called him and he said that he was with friends and basically forgot even though we just talked to him last night to remind him of the time. I don't really know how to handle this one. All I can say is that I tried and that I care. Thank you all again though for giving your opinions. I feel like I have alot of friends on the DIS.

When my daughter graduated from High School, someone (teacher) told her she was an adult. Well, she got it in her head that she didn't need mom anymore. When she went off to college she stopped calling and e-mailing me. The only time she called was when she needed money. Now my daughter and I had a wonderful relationship. That ended when she found out that she was an adult and didn't mom anymore. I think that is what you and your dh is going through. He is an adult and feel as though he can do whatever he wants to do. They aren't thinking of the parents feelings. I am just thinking that this is what he is proably doing.
I am sorry that your party was ruined. Hope things will get better. Sometimes kids need to find their own way before they will come back. They are at that stage where they think they dont need mommy and daddy.

 

[mommyaof2]

I just want to add, being a child of divorce, who lived with mom and she did say things about dad, not bad, but not nice....she has held a grudge for a long time. Anyway, it always felt wierd to me about wanting to spend time with my dad. I felt disloyal to my mother, he's the one that left, had a new girlfriend, nicer house, trips to Hawaii...things like that. So I always sided with my mom. Not until I moved in with my dad after highschool, to go to college, did I see how it really was. My dad never has said anything about my mom, living with him, I can see their differences and wonder why the heck they got married in the first place. Plus we became closer.

It's still hard and I'm a grown adult with a family now. My mom still makes me feel guilty about spending time with my dad, but that's her issue and she needs to move on, it's been over 25 years for gods sake.

I just think, since your stepson was primarily raised by his mother, listening to her, seeing you go on nice vacations, raise two girls, not matter how hard you try, it's not the same as having your mom and dad raise you together in the same house. In time hopefully he'll see things for what they are, on both sides and learn from it. I know I have.

Thanks so much for posting. It is really nice to kindof hear it from someone that has dealt with this. I am sure it has been hard on him growing up. However, his mom is the one that walked out, not my dh. Also we have set back for years and watched his mom take him on nice vacations and she wouldn't let him go with us when we went. He knows this too because we have told him. I really don't know why his mom has always had issues. It is not like my dh walked out, she did. She was pregnant when they got married and he loved her, but one day she just up and decided she didn't love him. I just really hope that my stepson can see that alot of what has happened has not really been because of us, it has been because of her. It's like she really wants him to think that she is all he has. I don't know why she wouldn't be thankful that he has people in his life that truely love and care about him. I hope that one day, he sees it the way that you do. That myself and my dh and his sisters love and care about him no matter what. Thanks again. You have really given me some insight.

 

[mommyaof2]

I thought this too but didn't want to post because I really don't know your situation. Since you have the same feeling there may be something to it. Anytime there are major attitude changes it sends up red flags that something is wrong.

IMO I wouldn't send a letter. It is too easy for your DSS (or his mom if he shows it to her or she reads it) to misunderstand or take the wrong way. MIght cause a bigger riff. I would let DH handle it. I always think face to face is better.

BTW- I would let DH handle this with just the two of them. DSS might feel more open if it's just himself and his dad talking.

I totally agree. I have decided to let my dh handle this. He is the father and I know that I don't need to be the one having the talk with him. It sounded like a good idea at first, but not now. I am sure that I will have a chance to talk to him, but the real heart to heart needs to come from his father. No matter how strongly I feel, my feelings really need to be secondary here. I don't want my stepson to have any negative feelings towards us and if that is what is going on, then we can work on fixing it.

 

[mommyaof2]

I have never referred to my children as half anything and would def correct anyone who would.

I dont think ive ever heard my DS19 refer to my little one as that either, dont think it has ever crossed his mind.
He sometimes refers to me as his mom and sometimes step... and Id want to bet sometimes the word that rhymes with WITCH

Op's family hasnt had the luck we had with my son's bio mom and that is prob very difficult for all parties. It def prob has affected the relationship between son and father. and SHAME ON BIO MOM for doing that, every boy needs lots of time with their daddy ( if they are a good person)
My DH's ex was very giving with visitation and he even has been living with us since 8th grade.
Like others have said maybe he does feel like he is betraying his mom!
Just keep on loving him, encourage dad to spend more one on one with him.
I do that with my hubby and our oldest and they both seem to appreciate it.
I find as my oldest gets older he is figuring out things that his mom did wrong and is continuing to do all on his and is coming to appreciate his dad and I more and more.
I always told his dad that one day he would figure out the mind games his mom played with him and I think that time has come. He of course still loves his mom as he should, he just knows now that the crap she liked to tell him about us isnt so true.

This will all work out, its apparent you all love him and that is what is most important!

Hello again! I have told my dh the exact same thing that one day he would figure it all out on his own, how his mom really is. I have never bad mouthed her in front of him, nor will I ever, because I don't want to come down to her level. I have always figured that no matter how much I can't stand her, that she is his mother. So, I too am hoping that if she is feeling his head full of things that are not true, that he will see the truth in the end. That we have always loved him and that we have dealt the best we could with the visitation that we had.

 

[mommyaof2]

What you are saying is true... but because it's a fact, doesn't mean it has to be an issue.

My sister has children who are half-siblings. One day I heard someone say, "Oh, they are half sisters," to which she replied, "There is no half anything is our house."

I'm adpoted and I don't believe my mother(adoptive mother) could have loved me more, had I been her own.

There are plenty of families with half and step children/siblings, and the love they share, would be no greater, if they shared the same genetic make-up.

Thank you Rylee for posting this. This is how I feel. I don't think biology is always the most important factor. I really got on to one of my dds one day when she referred to him as her half brother. I have always told them that he is their brother, no halfs about it. I never wanted to make him feel less than because he was half of anything. I don't think you have to be the biological mom to feel like a mom. I do feel like I have been a mom to him. Maybe not everyday like his mother, but I have been a mom. I have always tried to make sure that he doesn't feel left out.

 

[Nancyg56]

Actually, it depends on what the divorce papers say and they agreed 18 not high school graduation. That happened long before I came along. Keep in mind that there is no dealing with the ex, she is difficult and has never seen eye to eye with my dh on how to raise my stepson. How we have handled this though, is to give money directly to my stepson to help with his expenses. His mom has been irresponsible many times in the past and we have had to foot the bill on top of support. So, we had a conversation with her and with him right before he turned 18 and it turned ugly with the ex not with my stepson. Like I said, we are still paying for things, not directly to her though. We help with his gas, we payed for half his prom, half of his graduation things, we give him spending money, we buy him clothes at the change of every season, just like we do for our dds together. I also have him come by every couple of weeks and give him food from my pantry and steaks and such from my freezer, etc. whatever he picks out he can have. We are paying for half of his college also. I don't know what more we could be doing from a financial standpoint.

My sister never gave her ex a penny because he would not have spent it on the kids. She put money in their accounts as well as paying all of their expenses and all of their extras. This really made the ex mad and he did all in his power to alienate them from her.

I cannot offer any advice, but I will say that at that age kids can be so self centered and self absorbed. I don't know why some are so rude and some are not but I imagine that if you are already having issues dealing with his mother she may be encouraging him to disrespect your DH and you. My sister's Ex did that and the kids never really knew he was rewarding them for bad behavior.

He will outgrow it though. It takes time, but my sister's youngest was the toughest nut to crack. He refused to even see her for over a year and the change in him now is radical. She never said anything once he was able to dig himself out of the corner he backed himself into and he is the most joyful son again. If this happened with him, yours can come around as well.

 

[Nancyg56]

You know, what you said has really hit me hard. I honestly have never thought about it this way. I have never really considered how hard it must be to be in his shoes too. That is why I really needed help on this one. Before anything is said or before anyone has a talk with him, I think I really needed to hear the things that are being said. Thank you so much!

That was exactly what my nieces and nephews went through every time they came to anything on our side. A year ago Thanksgiving, they spent the day with their father's family. They came to my house for dessert and coffee. They were not here 20 minutes when their cells started ringing. Both girls. After about five times they shut their ringers off. They lasted about 2 hours before they gave up and went back to the Grandmother's house. It is like this for them every Holiday, even Mother's Day. One of the other side buys them "special" tickets and arranges special trips that they are guilted if they decline.

I tell them to come when they can, don't worry about the "day" it's all good for me. Their Mother still is heart broken when they choose their Father, but then she does not punish them if they spend time with him. They are ostracized if they spend too much time with us.

It is very sad when kids have to let one side think they are the' Favorite" one in order to have peace.

I don;t know the answer, I just know that it hurts.

 

[mommyaof2]

That was exactly what my nieces and nephews went through every time they came to anything on our side. A year ago Thanksgiving, they spent the day with their father's family. They came to my house for dessert and coffee. They were not here 20 minutes when their cells started ringing. Both girls. After about five times they shut their ringers off. They lasted about 2 hours before they gave up and went back to the Grandmother's house. It is like this for them every Holiday, even Mother's Day. One of the other side buys them "special" tickets and arranges special trips that they are guilted if they decline.

I tell them to come when they can, don't worry about the "day" it's all good for me. Their Mother still is heart broken when they choose their Father, but then she does not punish them if they spend time with him. They are ostracized if they spend too much time with us.

It is very sad when kids have to let one side think they are the' Favorite" one in order to have peace.

I don;t know the answer, I just know that it hurts.

This does sound exactly like what we have been going through. On every holiday, he would only be able to spend a couple of hours or so with us before his mom would call. My dh never got to see his face on Christmas morning when he first woke up and saw that "Santa" had come. It really is very sad. What his mom doesn't realize is that over the years, she has really done more harm than good. He needed to be with his father more than he has been and now I am afraid that is where all of this is coming from. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness.

 

[Lily & Giny's Mom]

I am assuming that your girls are children as you sate that "they don't understand". Maybe I have a short attention span but I can't imagine a child that would enjoy sitting through a graduation ceremonty. BORING! I didn't even go to my own -there was a great pig roast going on at the same time.

 

[bellebud]

First, you sound like a wonderful person - very caring and it really says a lot about you that you're trying to figure this all out.

I'm just going to give you a few random stories, and maybe something will help in some way.

My parents were divorced when I was 12, and they both made it very easy for my brothers and I when it came to holidays. 'whatever works' was their motto - both didn't care if they saw us on "the day" of the holiday. We actually got 2 very nice christmas's, 2 very nice thanksgivings, etc. It never even felt like it wasn't "the day". In fact, having to still split holidays (my family and dh's family), my family has been doing thanksgiving at my house the weekend before thanksgiving for a few years now, and it works really great! The Saturday before thanksgiving is my family's thanksgiving. We're then all free on the real thanksgiving to do in-laws, and my mom and stepdad go out to dinner (my dad's out of the picture, but if he weren't, we'd simply have 3 thanksgivings and enjoy them all equally). Splitting the holiday never works... the people who have to go 2 places (pp's neices) feel pressure and stress and cannot enjoy the holiday, and the people who are hosting always feel slighted. So your dh never getting to see his ds on "christmas morning" shouldn't matter (i know it stinks, but it's not important) - I'm sure you did christmas on another day w/ ds. "the day" isn't important to the child.

I bring this up because my dh's parents are also divorced, and his mom was no way/no how giving up the 5 kids for christmas (since dh's dad was the one who had a girlfriend and left). So on Dec 25, dh's dad would drive from an hour away, park in the driveway, the kids would come outside to his car and pile in, and sit in the driveway for 20 minutes opening gifts he brought. That was their christmas w/ their dad. Sad, isn't it?!?? I think the dad was SO wrong doing that - but he was determined to see his kids on "the day" of christmas. The kids have not one memory of a nice 'christmas' with their dad after the divorce, and they all think the car thing was ridiculous and sad for all of them. DH and I were recently talking about this, and I asked if his dad ever invited the kids down to his house over christmas break for a christmas with him. Have stepmom (or dad, not being sexist), make a big christmas dinner and do a whole day of christmas, just on Dec 28th or so. There's always a whole week to work with. DH said no, and said that would have been nice instead of a 20 minute car thing.

I also didn't post this before, but thought as I've been following this thread, that your party for him the weekend after might have been too soon and he might still be partying and hanging out w/ friends. That can last a few weekends, not just the weekend of graduation. And teens don't want to give up any time from friends to do any family things - whether it's the family they live with or the family they don't. And I do feel bad for any divorced kid, having to make time on their weekends to see the other parent. It's so not fair to the kid to have to cut time into what should be their social time, to see another whole family. It's a fact of divorce and life, but it still stinks for the kid.

My dh also has 2 half sibs from his dad leaving his mom, getting remarried and having 2 more. The first 5 have never felt anything for the second set of kids - they "like" them well enough... but love... not really. It's because they didn't live with them. Not living with someone as you're growing up really makes a difference in the bond you form. Of course, there were also hard feelings because the stepmom was the woman the dad left the mom for - then had kids with - so a totally different situation from yours. But your dd's grew up 'having' a brother, even though he didn't live there. But ds didn't grow up having sisters... it's different.

My sil has an 18yo ds from her first marriage, and now has a 1yo and 2yo w/ my brother. She couldn't figure out why her first ds didn't embrace his new siblings, and she was mad when he didn't come over to see them for months after they were born (her ds lived w/ his dad). In talking about it at a family dinner, my dh chimed in how the sibling situation was similar to his w/ his 2 half sibs, and everyone in my family has always understood how/why dh isn't close to his half sibs. That opened my sil's eyes a lot (all of us had never really thought of it that way, because we were on the other side of the fence this time). She then dropped the whole "these are your brothers" thing w/ her oldest ds, and offered to just meet him alone, just him and her for dinner, etc. That worked better. In sil's mind, having her 3 boys all be close would be ideal, but she now realizes it's just not going to happen, at least not now.

DH's father has always tried to be like that too with all the siblings (everyone be close and love each other), and it pisses off the first siblings to no end. They don't like hearing "your brother or your sister" when referring to the 2nd set of siblings. They just don't *feel* it. I'm not saying it's this way with your family, just giving food for thought.

Also, with your dh and ds seeing each other (or all of you guys), maybe meeting him at a time that isn't cutting into his weekends would be better for now, with the stage in life he's in. Meeting on a weekday at a pizza place for dinner might be less pressure for ds to fit into his schedule than a weekend day. And i'd recommend for now dh and ds having a few visits alone, then maybe all of you.

Sometimes 'regular' families aren't easy, especially with teens... a blended family has even more challenges to work around. Especially with the whole 'making time for the other family' thing... the family who lives with the child gets to see him for breakfast, after school, dinners, before bed, etc, so no "special" time is needed. Lives are busy enough today for everyone, then add in making special time for a 2nd family... it's a lot on a kid. My brothers and I lived w/ my mom, and when we were teens, I didn't "do" anything with my mom, because I lived with her. But having to make time to go "do" stuff with our dad was hard sometimes, even if "doing" was just going to his place to see him. It was something else in our schedule. But dad made it easy... he always lived w/in a few miles of us, and over the years gave us various jobs to make a little money and be able to see him (he had a business so that was easy for him to do, but I also cleaned his apartment w/ one of my friends too). We also had card night 1 night a week when we were older teens (pinnochle - sp????) with dad and stepmom, which we really enjoyed. Something ds really enjoys doing might be a nice way to spend time w/ him (going to local ballgames, or bowling, or fishing, etc), as a regular monthly thing maybe. Then fitting in dinners when he's available, and going 'to him' instead of him coming to you maybe for now.

Being a stepchild is SO hard for some kids, and for the family you're not living with, it's almost impossible to feel like you're *really* a part of that family, no matter how hard the parents (you and your dh) try to make it that way. If you don't wake up to these people every day, and wake up in this house, it's just going to be different. So while you and dh and your 2 dd's open your arms to ds when he comes over, and always have a place for him in your house and family and hearts, I bet he doesn't feel the same comfort level fitting into that place you've made for him, as you guys feel making it. It's like being invited to a friends house for dinner... the friends family is totally comfortable having this familiar face at dinner with them, this 1 extra person... but the invited guest, even if very friendly with this family, isn't "as" comfortable as the other people are. Certainly not as comfortable as being in 'your own' home is, knim???

Maybe none of this is helpful - but at least wanted to say you sound like a very caring person, and i'm sure it's hard being a stepparent, but it's 'really' hard being a stepchild for some kids, and it sounds like your ds might be one of them. Hope this all works out, and keep us updated.

 

[DawnM]

It I were in your shoes, I would send DH and stay home with the girls. I would not pay for a babysitter to go, but that is just me and I don't know your family dynamics.

Dawn

 

[sunnyday123]

Sometimes 'regular' families aren't easy, especially with teens... a blended family has even more challenges to work around. Especially with the whole 'making time for the other family' thing... the family who lives with the child gets to see him for breakfast, after school, dinners, before bed, etc, so no "special" time is needed. Lives are busy enough today for everyone, then add in making special time for a 2nd family... it's a lot on a kid. My brothers and I lived w/ my mom, and when we were teens, I didn't "do" anything with my mom, because I lived with her. But having to make time to go "do" stuff with our dad was hard sometimes, even if "doing" was just going to his place to see him. It was something else in our schedule. But dad made it easy... he always lived w/in a few miles of us, and over the years gave us various jobs to make a little money and be able to see him (he had a business so that was easy for him to do, but I also cleaned his apartment w/ one of my friends too). We also had card night 1 night a week when we were older teens (pinnochle - sp????) with dad and stepmom, which we really enjoyed. Something ds really enjoys doing might be a nice way to spend time w/ him (going to local ballgames, or bowling, or fishing, etc), as a regular monthly thing maybe. Then fitting in dinners when he's available, and going 'to him' instead of him coming to you maybe for now.

Being a stepchild is SO hard for some kids, and for the family you're not living with, it's almost impossible to feel like you're *really* a part of that family, no matter how hard the parents (you and your dh) try to make it that way. If you don't wake up to these people every day, and wake up in this house, it's just going to be different. So while you and dh and your 2 dd's open your arms to ds when he comes over, and always have a place for him in your house and family and hearts, I bet he doesn't feel the same comfort level fitting into that place you've made for him, as you guys feel making it. It's like being invited to a friends house for dinner... the friends family is totally comfortable having this familiar face at dinner with them, this 1 extra person... but the invited guest, even if very friendly with this family, isn't "as" comfortable as the other people are. Certainly not as comfortable as being in 'your own' home is, knim???

Maybe none of this is helpful - but at least wanted to say you sound like a very caring person, and i'm sure it's hard being a stepparent, but it's 'really' hard being a stepchild for some kids, and it sounds like your ds might be one of them. Hope this all works out, and keep us updated.

I have to tell you, I agreed with most of your post till you got to the part about not having to "do" anything with the residential parent because he lives with them. To me that sounds like Dad is in charge of everything fun and every memory making event, and he sleeps at Moms. BOTH parents should have one on one time no matter where the child sleeps the majority of the time. It is almost impossible to keep on a rigid schedule of visitation if any child has extra activities going on, and it's the responsiblity of BOTH parents to behave like adults and make sure the child gets to see each parent. You were right about the not making a big deal about who get's to "see" the child on the specific day of the holiday, but even that should switch off. And you can make a child feel welcome and as if it's their home no matter what, the key is to let them do it in their own time, don't stifle them and want the instant great big happy family. It won't happen, and if it's pushed, then you end up with a guilty feeling child, because they will feel they are betraying one or the other parent. It all comes down to the parents, and if one X is not playing with a full deck or as an adult, then the only thing you can do in your home is be laid back enough to let the child know that it doesn't matter that you missed one event, you are proud that he got there and celebrate it on a different date. Sorry for the rant, but everyone needs "special time" with their children and that kinda of set me off.