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[bellebud]

I have to tell you, I agreed with most of your post till you got to the part about not having to "do" anything with the residential parent because he lives with them. To me that sounds like Dad is in charge of everything fun and every memory making event, and he sleeps at Moms. BOTH parents should have one on one time no matter where the child sleeps the majority of the time. It is almost impossible to keep on a rigid schedule of visitation if any child has extra activities going on, and it's the responsiblity of BOTH parents to behave like adults and make sure the child gets to see each parent. You were right about the not making a big deal about who get's to "see" the child on the specific day of the holiday, but even that should switch off. And you can make a child feel welcome and as if it's their home no matter what, the key is to let them do it in their own time, don't stifle them and want the instant great big happy family. It won't happen, and if it's pushed, then you end up with a guilty feeling child, because they will feel they are betraying one or the other parent. It all comes down to the parents, and if one X is not playing with a full deck or as an adult, then the only thing you can do in your home is be laid back enough to let the child know that it doesn't matter that you missed one event, you are proud that he got there and celebrate it on a different date. Sorry for the rant, but everyone needs "special time" with their children and that kinda of set me off.

Sorry to set you off... I was just telling what it was like for me... I didn't have to 'schedule' anything special w/ my mom because we lived together. we had dinner together every single night, said good-night to each other every single night, watched tv together all the time, swam in the summer together, she was the one who came to my cheerleading things, mine was the house all the kids hung out at, so we were always home and mom was always right there. And she was actually the 'memory maker' parent, not my dad. My mom was the one who took us on most vacations and day trips, maybe because it was just her thing. My dad did stuff too, but 99% of our interaction with him was going to his place to spend time, and maybe breakfast out on a sunday morning occasionally. Nothing at all like you describe as 'just sleeping at moms' and having all this fun at dad's. My mom, brothers and I couldn't be closer (always were as kids too, and now as adults too), whereas my brothers don't even talk to my dad anymore and I do a little. In fact, my mom, stepdad, both brothers & families and my family are all going away next week to north carolina to share a beach house for vacation. We didn't need any "special" scheduled time with my mom while growing up to keep this relationship we have with her... her being who she is, laid back, easy, not demanding regarding holidays, etc, is a main reason we're all so close and really enjoy spending time together. She even tells me to see her another day other than mother's day, because she knows how demanding my mil is, and she doesn't want me to rock the boat with mil (that's a whole other post). It makes the mother's day time we spend together nicer and more meaningful, even though it's usually the saturday night before mother's day, than the 'forced' mother's day time we *have* to spend with mil, even though it's on "the day". Even dh agrees. And I totally agree that if one parent isn't being an adult (like for the OP - the bio mom of ds), the only thing the other can do is be laid back about the events... that's exactly what my mom does regarding my mil, and believe me, it ends up working to my mom's advantage in the end. SHE'S the one we chose to see every saturday night for dinner and family time (with my brother & family too), and she's the one we chose to vacation with, because we know there are no demands.

I responded to this because it was directed at me, and I wasn't sure if I was unclear in my original post, but just wanted to clear it up.

 

[sunnyday123]

I responded to this because it was directed at me, and I wasn't sure if I was unclear in my original post, but just wanted to clear it up.

Note to self: stay off any and all forums after talking with X!!
Sorry, didn't mean to take it out on you, but I just had a conversation with the X who has decided that since today he is getting along with his g-friend, I am the one who should give up any and all plans and totally change my summer for him. And it's not because he wants to spend time with DD, it would just be easier for him to have her at certain time. Divorce is hard, and with kids it's harder. I think your Mom had it right in all that she did, life is all about making compromises for the ones you love, and being a mom and knowing that it would make my/our children happy, you compromise yourself silly. I truly beleive my x does the best that he ( selfish, immature, moron that he is ) can do, I just think it could be better. Wow, I totally hijacked this thread, sorry!

As for the op, I think he just is a little overwhelmed. He may not know why he never got a vacation or alot of time on a holiday. Maybe he's feeling a little not wanted. I think him and Dad having a heart to heart like "men" is a step in the right direction, that way there isn't any pressure from the whole family.

 

[bellebud]

Note to self: stay off any and all forums after talking with X!!

Sorry for what your X is doing... that really stinks!! I can totally see why you'd be saying 'both' parents need the special time with the kids - I hope he doesn't ruin your summer plans too much.

 

[KibbyCat]

Ok, I know the graduation is already over, but I didn't have time to read through ten pages of posts to see if anyone suggested my idea. Here it is for anyone else that maybe has a similar issue. Couldn't your daughters just sit on your laps? I know one is 10, but dads usually have strong laps. And if it is number of "seats" that are limited, rather than "people allowed to attend" you can all win by sharing a seat.

But I agree with someone else that you should just skip the boring ceremony with your girls and have a party that everyone can be included in.

 

[sunnyday123]

Sorry for what your X is doing... that really stinks!! I can totally see why you'd be saying 'both' parents need the special time with the kids - I hope he doesn't ruin your summer plans too much.

Nah...it's more annoying then anything.....for really important stuff I give him the wrong date on purpose so when he comes up with something she really needs to be present for, I still have the day I need! This usually only happens when he and the g-friend are getting along ( so it's not too often!) But moms do what they do and the only thing that matter is that their children are happy!

 

[mommyaof2]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to still respond to this. Especially to bellebud for such a long and heartfelt post. I know this took you alot of time and I really appreciate it.

Anyways, I thought I would give you guys an update on the situation. My dh did have some one on one time with my stepson. He talked with him about missing the dinner/party that we made for him and about why he missed it. We really don't know anymore now than we did then. He basically told my dh that he just "forgot" and he was sorry. I still have not gotten an apology from him and I really don't think that I will. My dh also talked with him and asked him if he had any bad feelings or problems with him, then now was the time to talk about them. My stepson told my dh that everything was fine and that he had no problems. So, if there is something going on with him, he did not open up to my dh. I think that bellebud is correct in saying that he probably just doesn't feel that connected to us like I want him to be. It really isn't his fault or ours, it is just the way it is. He has never lived with us or gotten to spend as much time with us as we would have liked him too, and again that was just the way it was. I see us as this one big happy blended family and I guess he just doesn't see it this way. He spends most of his days without us anyways, and it probably wasn't that big of a deal to him that he missed the party we planned for him. I just wanted to make his graduation special and celebrate it as a family. It is just sad to think that it may always be this way. Blended families are so hard and I really give kudos to anyone that has to deal with it, because I know how hard it is. I guess I can honestly say though that myself and my dh and our dds have tried our hardest to make him a part of the family and he will always have a spot, but at this point it is really up to him. Thanks again to all of you! You are all great!.