Dealing with The Loss of a Son

[ScrapperBelle]

Ohhh...this is a touchy one...I don't have any answers for you, just wanted to let you know that between DH and I we have had many times in the past year and half just like what you are going through now.

I want to say that I completely understand how you feel and I also understand your DH. There have been many "firsts" we have had to conquer without our son. It always helps more if we talk honestly and openly about how we feel. Sometimes we fight, but I find it's far less frequent than it used to be. There have been moments when I have felt like I was on the verge of divorce, but we have been lucky enough to move through most of our issues.

Notice I said "move through". Neither one of us will ever "get over it", so we just try our best to move through each issue as it comes along as a FAMILY...not as separate people dealing with separate issues. It's hard and I have shed enough tears to drown the entire family, but I try to stay open to ideas of my DH's and he to mine.

Our son died in Dec. of '07. We had a trip to WDW planned for Feb. of '08. DS had just moved out on his own, started a new job, and was enjoying his new freedoms. He wasn't going with us on our trip, but just a few days after he passed, I had to call and cancel that trip. The last trip we had been on, he was with us (and he dearly loved our trips to WDW!). There was just no way I could face going back so soon.

Well, a few months passed and DH thought that if we went it might help us. At first I didn't want to, but we talked through it and kind of convinced each other that it was the right thing to do. We went in early May and had an awesome time. We were there for my bday and Mother's Day. Of course we had our moments. On our 1st night, we went to the P&P party and I stood right in the middle of Main St. looking at the castle during the fireworks and cried like a baby. DH managed to go to DHS for a few hours one morning, but he seemed "antsy" and was ready to go after only a little while. He later told me that just seeing the ToT (one of DS's faves) made him feel like his heart was coming out of his chest.

Our youngest DS was unable to go to DQ. He and his brother loved to go there together. When he got next to the bldg., he suddenly became short of breath and had to rush to a bathroom to throw up. He still says he will NEVER go there again.

I don't mean to depress you and I definitely don't want to "hijack" your thread, just wanted to let you know that I understand not wanting to do something and feeling like everyone else is "pushing" you to do it. But, I do want to caution you to remain open and understanding where others are concerned also. As bad as you may not want to go, it may be just what your DH needs. Our grief can cloud our judgement and sometimes the things other people do just seem cold and heartless to us, but just remember that your DH is probably having just as hard a time as you are and he is dealing with things in his own way.

I sincerely hope you all reach the conclusion that brings you both peace.

 

[pfishgirl]

Thank You for the advice and your story. I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

We are leaving on DCL Magic on Sept 12th and That Alone is going to be Very hard on me but we are going with 8 other people and I am forcing myself as is because I won't make them have a bad time.

I'm giving what I can but Halloween was always a HUGE thing for us. Bigger then even Christmas. We would do the MNSSHP at least once each year and at home we have an LGB train * like in Germany in Epcot* that runs completely around the outside perimeter of our house. DS Loved to run the trains and help me make the outside of the house spooky for the Trick or Treaters. The candy stays on the train and He was the Train Conductor. He'd stop the train in the train station and give the kids time to get the candy from the train carts.

I know I'm not ready and I shouldn't be forced to do it but he doesn't understand. He may be ready so he can feel free to go without me, but I would of much rather him to support me and what I'm feeling and let our friends go to MNSSHP and have him stay with me. It's not like they can't do it without us.

I went to the boadwalk and cried watching their kids and niece and nephews on the same rides that my son had been on at their age. It was too much for me and I needed a half hour to control my crying. And I really do not want to have that happen in Disney and then leave the next day for the cruise.

I don't think he is thinking of me, or taking what I am feeling into consideration, so why do I need to be the one to sacrifice my feelings and needs to suit his? It's not very fair.

Plus the fact, he doesn't dress up and he doesn't trick or treat during MNSSHP so paying $50 a ticket the night before already spending $5,000 on a cruise, seems a little wasteful to me.

I just don't want to be a wreck at MNSSHP and then have to be all smiles and "ok" in front of everyone for a week cruise..

 

[ScrapperBelle]

I am so sorry. I really hope you don't think I was telling you that you should sacrifice your feelings for everyone else's. I am totally respectful of your feelings and if you really think you cannot handle the MNSSHP then I would definitely avoid it.

I think I was trying to make the point that we have each learned to respect the other's feelings in our home. We spent a lot of time at first "flying off the handle" and attacking each other for feelings that no one could help. Those first few months were very rough. We still have rough patches when new situations come up. Your wounds are still very new and it will take time for you all to adjust to each other's new feelings and emotions with each new situation as it arises.

If my DH can never go to DHS again, then I will respect him for that and NEVER ask him to do it. If my DS cannot go to DQ ever again, then we just won't go. As a matter of fact, he doesn't even want to go back to WDW...he says it is just too hard without his brother. I am completely respectful of that and I will not make him do it.

I truly wish only the best for you and your DH. I sincerely hope you don't feel forced to do anything you don't want to do. Your feelings are very legitimate and no one else should EVER tell you how you should feel or act in any situation. I have been thinking about you a lot and sending lots of prayer and good thoughts out for you. Please don't take anything I say as personal...or an attack on you in any way....I just wanted you to know that there are lots of us out here dealing with the same types of issues everyday and no one handles it the same.

 

[pfishgirl]

No, No, I didn't take what you said as an attack on me at all

I'm upset at Him not You for not accepting the fact that as of today I do not think I can handle MNSSHP in a few weeks..

I just wish he'd "get it"

 

[TheDisneyGirl02]

Stacy, I'm just sending you a hug to let you know that I'm thinking about you!

 

[TinkerBrie]

So sad I am sorry for your loss. I just wanted to sent you a hug...

 

[circhead]

I am sorry for your loss - I can't imagine the pain you're in.

For what it's worth I can tell you that my brother was murdered when he was 18.(1974) None of us, to this day, have really gotten over the loss but as the years passed Michael's being gone got a little easier to deal with. Time is a great healer - it eases the grief but leaves the happiness of the memories.

I hope that the memories you have will sustain you as you learn to pick up the pieces and go on.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Never visited this forum until today, after reading the lost of AlaskaMoms son, and reading about yours on that thread as well...

I have no words, just tears and hugs for you...

 

[MagicMe]

Why can't my Husband Understand and Accept the fact that I do NOT want to go to MNSSHP this year??

It would be the 1st one we've ever done without our son and I am Not ready for that!!!!

I even told him NO!!! and Why and he just does Not get it!!

Stacy - the only thing I can tell you is that those "firsts" are so tough but unfortunately you have to work thru them. I'm not saying to to it now - it may just be too soon and raw for it. Each "first" after my brother left us was so difficult. The "seconds" weren't much easier either. But I have found after time (10 years now) that I can now think of him without all the pain and remember the memories and smile. I see his children now grown and know that he is so proud of them. Only you know what you can handle. You know deep down that these are all things that you will have to face as time goes on. You just may not be ready this time around.

 

[pfishgirl]

Thank You All for your constant support and your kind words and sharing your stories with me




It is greatly appreciated

 

[TheDisneyGirl02]

Stacy...just sending you a hug to let you know that I'm thinking about you.

 

[nana2tots]

Stacy,

 

[Luv2Roam]

My heart goes out to you. There is no pain such as losing a child. (Mine was also an only child, and could not have any more.) Few people know that happened to me many years ago. Took me probably 25 years just to be able to think back on those days without pain and depression.
There is awful lot of mixed bag of emotions and stages you will pass through. And you will never entirely get over it.
The old saying of time heals wounds is true. What they don't say is it is an extremely slow and painful process.
I don't know that I could be of any help or comfort. However feel free to PM even if you just need a stranger's shoulder to cry on and vent.

 

[Luv2Roam]

Something to also ponder. Some of us have learned the hard way the cycle of life and death is very unpredictable. My thought is once I am gone I would not want others to not enjoy their lives and move on.
Honor your son by enjoying your life and living. It's good to remember. But don't live in the past. Your son would not want you to no longer enjoy life and spend your life grieving for him and what could have been.
All easier said than done I know.
Take nothing for granted. We all do so much. Such as when we leave in a car, we assume we will come back home and life will be normal. It just doesn't always work that way and there is nothing you can do about it.
Again, now more than ever take care of you and yours.

 

[pfishgirl]

My heart goes out to you. There is no pain such as losing a child. (Mine was also an only child, and could not have any more.) Few people know that happened to me many years ago. Took me probably 25 years just to be able to think back on those days without pain and depression.
There is awful lot of mixed bag of emotions and stages you will pass through. And you will never entirely get over it.
The old saying of time heals wounds is true. What they don't say is it is an extremely slow and painful process.
I don't know that I could be of any help or comfort. However feel free to PM even if you just need a stranger's shoulder to cry on and vent.

I am very sorry for your loss

We also have not been able to have anymore children. I know the pain of that as well, the trying, the hoping, the praying and then only to be disappointed one more time.

Thank you for sharing with me your loss

 

[Minnie&Nana]

(((Stacy))) I am so, so sorry. Damien is with you... try to hold on to every memory to get you through these impossible days...often moments, minutes, hours. your heart is shattered.

I know you have likely heard this already, but please, talk about Damien as often as you want/need. He is still your son and will be forever....Try not to think about what family or friends may think - they cannot possibly understand. It is natural for you to talk and think about Damien.

Sometimes family and friends do not want to speak of Damien because they fear it will be harder for you - I've learned to explain to to everyone that nothing is more painful than losing my child, but hearing his name gives me comfort and even joy.

Yesterday it was the 10 year anniversary of my son unexpectedly passing...the first 2 yrs are the most difficult....do not let anyone tell you differently. Try to find others who will understand: http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/ is one of the best. My DD and I attended the Bereaved Parents National Conference after 9 mos...we feared it would be too difficult, but it was the best thing we could have done...

As for your upcoming trip - try to dig deep inside and do what feels right. Of course, you have your DH and without a doubt he is suffering his in own way. I canceled a Disney trip we were due to take a month after we lost Toby..I did not return for 2 yrs and even then it was very, very difficult. A lot of tears, but joy as well. He sent me rainbows that trip...and it seemed in every park we heard "Over the Rainbow" playing for who knows what reason. I believe it was Toby comforting his mom and letting me know he was with me.

It does sounds like it is too soon for MSSCHP. I'm sure you've tried to explain to your DH that just as he must go, you cannot. If you do decide to attend,perhaps leave if it gets too much. Halloween and Christmas were Toby's favorite holidays...it is only the last couple of yrs I can even answer the door again for Trick or Treaters.

I am sorry this is so long...I just want you to know you are not alone, Stacy. We are here for you any time...I sent a pm with my email and phone number.

Take one moment at a time...let the tears come.....scream, sob...someday you will be able to smile and feel joy again because you will want to honor Damien's life.

Take gentle care, dear Stacy. Holding you very near in heart and prayer.
Christine

 

[ScrapperBelle]

I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about you

 

[pfishgirl]

Thank You All

Yesterday was a bad day.. My Grams would of been 94 yesterday. So between thinking of her and of course my son... I was weepy all day long..

It's been 15 weeks today since he was taken from us

I am looking forward to my support group Tuesday cause I can use it

 

[TaraPA]

Hugs to you Stacy. Look at you, you've made it 15 weeks. I'm sure you felt like you could never go on. You are stronger than you think. Tomorrow will be 15 weeks and 1 day....then 15 weeks and 2 days....take it one day at a time. We're all thining of you. Good luck at your support group, I hope it will help you to share you story with others who have been there. There are so many here on the DIS who experienced the loss of a child, I'm so sorry for all of you. Hopefully you can all help each other get through to the next day.

 

[ndloewen]

Hugs Stacy,

Just happened to stumble across your thread today. I didn't even realize this part of the board even existed. I am so very sorry for your loss.

4 weeks ago today I lost my son too. He would have been 4 next month. He struggled with many health issues all his life, but his death was still so sudden and unexpected. He developed pneumonia and kidney failure. After an intense 2 day battle in PICU, Noah's brain was no longer functioning and we had to make the very painful decision to let him go. I feel your pain. To bury a child is just so very, very wrong. I struggle to make it through each day...and to somehow try to help my other kids through this all. But sometimes I can barely even breathe. It's so tough on our marriage too. Noah was my world. I hate that this is my new reality.

Stacy, you made it through 15 weeks. That gives me hope. For now all we can do is just take one day, one hour, one minute or even just one breath at a time, and we will make it through another day.