Dealing with friends that well are.... in a word... Cheap

[VandVsmama]

Oh here..

I hear what you are laying down for sure... T
here are about 6 to 10 couples that we get together at each others houses, everyone would go all out for these get together's as well. So when we were the host and hostess, really the only thing I would ask people to bring is there own adult beverages, and ice or something simple.. like a 12 pack of coke or ginger-ale... nothing to hard.. I love making fancy pants appetizers, then DH would grill up something, some type of baked potatoes, and some type of salad, and we have a bunch of cookie monsters in the group, so some type of cookies, or cookie bars, kinda thing... Everyone had their specialty that they would showcase when it was their turn...

So the last time that they hosted the couple we are taking about... , she asked everyone to bring a covered dish, and we all show up, and she has gotten KFC 20 piece bucket of chicken... and there are 8 couples including them so 16 adults and only 20 piece of chicken... and they thought nothing of it... Thankfully I brought baked beans with hamburger meat in them as well with grilled sausage on top, another couple brought some shredded BBQ pork and king Hawaiian buns for sliders, or that would have been the only meat...

I will say we did have a good time ... On the way home DH said never again at their house, I said why??? and he said you will never believe it... I was like what... My DH went to take out the kitchen trash, and went into the garage, our host was in the trash digging out the red solo cups, and the clear plastic plates, and plastic utensils ( Forks, knives, spoons) along with the foil, and ziploc, and those tinfoil container things ( the aluminium pan that I had brought the baked beans in)... He looked at DH and said this is good stuff, and I'm not throwing it away... we can reuse it for the next party... I wondered why DH had this look of horror on his face when he came back in from taking the trash out. Then he said lets go...
Later on one of the other guys who was hosting our next get together... told the other guys standing around the grill, that the couple in question the hostess was telling him how much a 20 piece bucket of chicken meal cost, even with a coupon, and then she said we got 5 sides and some biscuits that we put up to eat later on in the week ... so he gave her 45.00 dollars, and she took it!!!! and he said to her - really how cheap are you guys? Please... just stay away from us, and we are leaving... I knew something had happened, because they left abruptly... This was right before the covid shut down...

that would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn’t do anything with them ever again. Gross!

 

[Donald13]

It world really irk me if a companion always expected me to arrange payment directly to them so they could collect the points. Yes, I’m paying anyway but how is that different than the person who mooches rides and tells the driver “Well, you were going there anyway...”

Countless environmentalists world-wide would disagree with you. Of course it would be better that they’d never gone in the garbage in the first place and had been put straight in the sink for washing but reusing perfectly serviceable goods instead of throwing them away isn’t a totally crazy thing to do.

If they were used and already in the trash, no. And do they plan on using them at another party? If it’s what they do, fine, but not for others. But yes they are awful for the environment

 

[LovesTimone]

OP here... Thanks so much for sharing, and hugs to all ...

I think this whole BJ's thing really was eye opening for me... I really started looking at what I considered a friendship... And is it worth it to continue with it...

I was talking to a friend who works in the mental health field, she deals with Senior mental issues like dementia, Alzheimer, and so on and helps families understand whats happening, as well as help them learn to deal and have a understanding of what is happening..... She is board certified psychiatrist, specializing in the elderly...so she is a professional. She helped me understand what was going on with my parents, and tips to make things go alot smoother with them. Which was a blessing...

She said that without knowing the couple (we having been talking about) there is a possibility.. It could be an addiction, that they just can't stop it, as they get some type of gratification .. Like people who hoard, or gamble, alcoholic's or drug dependent people... and if you have 2 people that have the same addiction or need for control... they feed off of one another. Like any addiction it gets worse, and there are triggers points that can cause escalation in certain behaviors... Or they could just be cheapskates, and with that she said they get a thrill from what they see as getting something for nothing, and absolutely they know what and that they are doing it... and that's a whole different rabbit warren...

She did make an interesting point, that since covid, with all the isolation that it has caused, she said that people are forgetting about how to socialize, and what is expected... basic social norms...be part of the pack again... With forcing people to work , and live, and play all in one spot, they get what she called "Me" blinders on... Everything revolves around me... She said most people are back at work it takes a few days to get back into the groove of work life again, work norms... For the most part people snap back, and are happy to rejoin the rest of the world...

She said some folks get stuck and can't get past it... She said for instant one of her co-workers had a full on melt down, yelling and crying... in the break-room last week, and went off about someone Frozen microwave meal taking 6 or 7 minutes... Since her co-workers has been working from home for the last 18 months, and not use to having to wait for someone else to use the microwave... or just waiting in line at the store...
Adding in all the time we spend as a society on-line... adds into it... which is more isolation... we are human and we need other people.

Right now I am still undecided on what to do...

 

[Moliphino]

It world really irk me if a companion always expected me to arrange payment directly to them so they could collect the points. Yes, I’m paying anyway but how is that different than the person who mooches rides and tells the driver “Well, you were going there anyway...”

Because I'm also paying my own portion. I've done it when I've gone out with a big family group, we're talking like 15 separate people. It's way easier on the server if we just pay one check and then sort it out ourselves. When my sister and I vacation together I usually pay for everything and we settle up at home.

 

[belle032]

It world really irk me if a companion always expected me to arrange payment directly to them so they could collect the points. Yes, I’m paying anyway but how is that different than the person who mooches rides and tells the driver “Well, you were going there anyway...”

Countless environmentalists world-wide would disagree with you. Of course it would be better that they’d never gone in the garbage in the first place and had been put straight in the sink for washing but reusing perfectly serviceable goods instead of throwing them away isn’t a totally crazy thing to do.

Oh I didn't mean that I force people to let me pay with my credit card and them reimburse me every time. I just meant that 99% of the time when we go out with people, someone puts the entire amount on their card and everyone else gives that person cash or Venmo's them. It's the most convenient solution to splitting a check for us. It's easier on the server as well. I'll just usually volunteer to be the person to give the server my card, but in no way would I ever force that on the group. If the group wants to pay a different way, then no worries.

 

[TwoMisfits]

It world really irk me if a companion always expected me to arrange payment directly to them so they could collect the points. Yes, I’m paying anyway but how is that different than the person who mooches rides and tells the driver “Well, you were going there anyway...”

Countless environmentalists world-wide would disagree with you. Of course it would be better that they’d never gone in the garbage in the first place and had been put straight in the sink for washing but reusing perfectly serviceable goods instead of throwing them away isn’t a totally crazy thing to do.

Well, no it is straight up crazy to do it in front of guests...you wait til everyone's gone home if you're gonna do something that you know is gonna gross someone out...

And as someone else said, if you are an environmentalist, you use paper, not plastic, in the 1st place (that's what I use) - it's been found to be the best overall choice (even better than running dishwashers for real stuff...

 

[LovesTimone]

Why did you become friends with them in the first place? Why have you stayed friends? Is it just habit, like they’re fixtures in the group, or do they really add something to your lives? Are they warm and supportive and always there when you need them? Is there a ton of shared history that binds you together? What, if any, part of the relationship is worth holding onto? I’d mull this side of it over and factor it all in.

She and I have known each other for about 30 years... while not best friends or anything like that, they are solid friends... I really love them both, and they both are so much fun to be with... Yes we have supported each other, and have shared history... I was there for them when they found out that they could not kids, which the wanted very much...I drove all night to be with her when her mom was killed in a freak car accident... She was there for me when I found out that my Dad had cancer, and when my grandmother passed. She went to the hospital when my mom had a heart attack and I live 600 miles away, to check on her for me.. Her DH went to my parents house after a hurricane and cleaned up the yard for my parents, without me even asking...

They have always been like this, and for the most part we have just overlooked it as a group and it has never been like this. The last about 3 years it has gotten increasingly worse... I really don't know what has changed, it just seem like they are burning bridges like crazy...

After reading what everyone has written and Thanks for asking me those questions, it gave me a moment to pause ... I think that I am going to have a chat with her, and see if I can get to the bottom of it...

 

[AndreaDM]

You know, from what you said you one friend said, it does sound almost like an addiction. Like the thought of spending money is paralyzing to them. I've watched every episode of Hoarders and find it so heartbreaking when the people on the show find it easier to let go of family and friends than possessions. Sounds like your friends value saving every penny over anything else at this point. Are they close to retirement age and freaking out that maybe they won't have enough saved? I don't see how they aren't aware of how their actions are affecting their friendships though, the chicken bucket and saving the sides AND then taking money from a guest shows zero self-awareness. Any "normal" person would have been totally embarrassed had a guest offered them money to pay for the chicken.

 

[JoeA]

Just saw this and thought of this thread!

 

[tzolkin]

And as someone else said, if you are an environmentalist, you use paper, not plastic, in the 1st place (that's what I use) - it's been found to be the best overall choice (even better than running dishwashers for real stuff...

Yeah, digging through the trash is definitely not a thing most "environmentalists" do. If you are concerned with the environment, you would either not use disposable items to begin with (that's what we do. I have plenty glasses, silverware, etc to have a party and not use plastic). Or, you tell everyone that you plan to reuse the items and you have a basin next to your sink for them to put the used items in for washing.

I personally would not choose to do that latter, but I have seen people who have. Your guests may still think it's odd, but at least you're being upfront about your motivation for reusing and it's less disgusting than digging the items out of the trash when no one is looking

They have always been like this, and for the most part we have just overlooked it as a group and it has never been like this. The last about 3 years it has gotten increasingly worse... I really don't know what has changed, it just seem like they are burning bridges like crazy...

I think your Covid comment before may be on to something. People naturally get a bit more set in their ways (and lose their filter of saying what they think) as they get older and spouses also often become more similar over the years. So if they are both naturally like this anyway and then have only been around each other for the last year or so (working from home and less socializing) that may have sped up the process.

My husband and I have the same personality type and we have been together for decades so this is something we try to evaluate on a regular basis. It's nice for us in general daily life because we understand the way the other communicates and we typically always agree on everything. However, because we are so similar, it's very easy to fall into the belief that our way is the correct/best way. If we only discuss something with each other it's often just a loop of reinforcing the same opinion rather than bouncing ideas off someone else who will contradict or challenge what we think/do.

 

[tvguy]

OP Here...

Do you think that it's okay how they go about being cheap? Please explain... I am not understanding your point...

That there is nothing wrong with being cheap if you pay your fair share. Wow, people are sure reading things into posts that aren't there.

 

[Blondie58]

So let me back up a second...

We have some friends that are really nice people and fun to hang out with, both are really nice, and have a great since of adventure, great sense of humor... he is absolutely hysterical... lately their cheapness is wearing out it welcome with us and others in our group of friends...

They are extremely cheap..

So you are wondering is it a money problem... No, he make well over 6+ figures, and she make over 6 figures, they live in a nice home, typical Fl. home 3 bed 2 bath with a pool... but its not extravagant or anything, just to 2 of them and their dogs, nice cars but nothing crazy...

When going out to eat at a nice restaurant with them is a nightmare... so normally we cook out at each other houses... just so that we can eat in peace... and not be embarrassed... If we do go out to eat... It goes like this, - "What no bread basket, that just ridiculous, can't they give you some bread"... They will not order a appetizer, and normally DH and I order a appetizer to share, and he is like wow that looks great, it should for 14.00 bucks or whatever... which DH and I final have gotten to were we just say yep soooo good, you should have gotten one, and we use to offer them some, not anymore...

They complain about the cost of literally everything... and telling you what your spending, or make a comment like that beer is 8 or 10 dollars...wow, your going to spend 50.00 bucks on a steak...

So normally we stick to thing that are all inclusive, like resorts in the Caribbean, or Cruises - when we travel with them... its just easier... this way everyone can pick their own room price point and you don't have to worry about meals, and such... He pitched a fit when we got back on the ship in Nassau, and they would not let him take the booze he bought back to the room... DH and I said we will see you guys at dinner, and left them there arguing with the security guys.. they did not come to dinner that night they ate the buffet...and would not hang out with us, because we were paying ridiculous price for drinks...

Don't even mention the cost of airfare... If we have to fly somewhere, we never fly together everyone has there favorite airline, points and all.. as they like the budget airline, and will take 12 hours to get somewhere to save like 40 or 50 dollars... Last time a big group of us went to Vegas( way before covid), they wanted someone to wait at the airport for 4 hours so that they could split a uber, to which everyone was like no...

Same Vegas trip... We all stayed at Mirage this trip, and they wanted to share a room with someone... which of course no couple wants to share a room with another couple... for goodness sake its vegas... so they decided to stay at Treasure Island.. which is fine, yet they complained that they had to walk over to meet us, they would not pay for the show we all decided on before the trip, they waited to get discount tickets and the show was sold out, then got kinda upset that we all went without them... they only wanted to eat in the food court, which is fine just not every meal...we wanted to check some of the great restaurants, We went to eat at a middle of the road restaurant some Irish pub place for late lunch, and he was like I'm not paying 20 bucks for a Ruben sandwich, the server was like it is really a large sandwich and you could share it if you like, so they sat there and shared a beer, while we all ate, then wanted us to sit in the food court while they split a hot dog meal... which of course no-one did, we all headed for the gaming floor... They wanted to go to bed at like 10:00 pm, and be up at like 5:00 to hit the gym, which is fine for them... the rest of us just do whatever and meet up whenever... thus separate rooms...

I understand that it's their money and spend it or not spend it how they want to... The problem is lately them over stepping has really gotten out of control...

So what I mean by the above... most of our group has like some type of big box warehouse membership, BJ's, Sam's or Costo - and she will call up someone up and say hey are you going to Sam's or where-ever, then ask if you can swing by and pick her up and let her use your card... This has been going on for a long time it's just getting worse and worse, its like they expect it... last week I went to BJ's and she called me and said, why didn't you tell me you were going to BJ's, I guess some how she found out and said you could have picked me up and I could have went with you... and I was not feeling very good that day she called, I was dealing with a sinus headache that day, and really wasn't in the mood to play nice... and I said, I did not realize that I needed to call you to ask for your permission to use my card that I pay for at BJ's, and be your taxi service while I was at it... Why don't you just get your own dang card... then I said I have to go, I think I'm going to throw up... and I hung up the phone... LOL...

The other two things is that they never offer to drive at all any more, its like everyone is expected just to pick them up if we are all going to the airport, they will not drive their car, and pay for parking, they want to ride with you, and never offer to pay half the parking, they went on a trip with some friends not long ago, and he was like hey since I drove way over to your house to pick you guys up, you can pick up the parking tab, they were like you were going to park here with or without us, why should we pay for you to park your car... Needless to say, our friends told them to use Uber to get home... Second they never want to host at their house and if they do basically they have everyone bring enough food and they end up just eating what we bring...I will say that they do offer and will clean up when they are at your house, which is nice... Last weekend we decided to stay home, and skip a BBQ that we were invited to... they were suppose to bring enough of some sort of salad for like 15 to 20 people, as well as whatever they wanted to drink adult beverages wise... they took a medium container of Publix macaroni salad, not even the large container ... and that was it, and helped themselves to whatever everyone else brought with the adult beverages... My friend was so mad and She is a firecracker, and she said something to him about it, his response was that there was plenty of food for everyone, and would she mind if they took a plate home, to which she answered - No, I'm not okay with that...

So would you say anything to them, or just over look it...

I could not even read the entire post. After a couple paragraphs I just say why??? Y'all are different. Do things with others that highlight the differences less. Skip things that increase stress. We are all different. Life is short. Why keep going through the same stress over and over and over again. These are personal thoughts as we were asked to respond. Albeit thoughts are based on one-sided and limited information. We have friends that love the beach. We do not go. DH HATES hot weather. We have friends that will not take flights longer than four hours. We still go places with longer flights but not with them. Some couples are r and r type travelers. We sometimes do the same but there are other times based on the destination we want to hike, bike, and sightsee. Sounds like you have plenty of data points to make educated decisions regarding upcoming vacations. Your thoughts on only doing all inclusive travel seems to be going the right direction.

 

[disneyseniors]

To give you another embarrassing take on this subject:
When I was a young married lady, we didn't have much money at all to spend when out. I went with 2 other ladies a few times out to eat and shop (window shop for me). One time one of the ladies looked at me as we were in the buffet line and said are you paying this time? I said no, she she said, "well, then, I will buy ______'s lunch, but not yours - all huffy. I was so embarrassed and sad.
You see, I had a whole $20.00 to spend on eating out and maybe a cheap something to bring home. That's all! I didn't have enough to pay for all 3 of us. I was so embarrassed that I just didn't say anything, and let her think I was a cheapskate. We remained friends and I think she kind of noticed later on that I didn't spend hardly anything while we were out, but I never said anything, just felt like crap at the time. Thank heavens, those early days are over and I've never been in that situation again.
I wanted to add this was the late 60's when gas was 35c a gallon and you could buy alot of groceries for under $20.00, LOL.

 

[mrodgers]

That there is nothing wrong with being cheap if you pay your fair share. Wow, people are sure reading things into posts that aren't there.

I think it is you who isn't reading what is there.

The thread isn't about someone being cheap. It is about what you said right there, people being cheap by not paying their fair share. The post you replied to asked if you felt it was ok to be cheap the way the subject of the thread are being cheap which is by not paying their fair share.

 

[Babs Johnson]

with the point of sale(pos) systems places use it is simple to split checks. Around here most will split the cost of a bottle of wine or appetizer between checks. They are either being lazy or need training on the pos.

I like some of the local old-time places that still use carbon copy handwritten checks.

I'm sure some young whippersnappers are

 

[Babs Johnson]

It's not always the extravagant orderers who take advantage. Often in a larger group someone will get something small, like a chicken Caesar salad and a glass of iced tea, while others order a lot. When the check comes, their $12.99 salad and $2 iced tea, plus tax and tip, somehow gets rounded down to $12 in the hopes no one else will notice. I've seen it happen more than a few times.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

When I first started work, a colleague who was about 15/20 years older than me, lived in the same area of London. His wife gave him an ‘allowance’ every day, but it was never enough to cover his ‘lifestyle’. He would usually have enough cash to buy a sandwich and a glass of wine at lunchtime (City of London in the 70’s ) and then would free load at after work drinks. He would suggest we share a taxi, then leap out without paying and never offer to share the fare. After it happened maybe ten times, I finally got my revenge, by leaping out before him and waving a cheery goodbye. In the moment, I felt some small satisfaction, but he spent the next day in work, bemoaning his lot and telling everyone how angry his wife was, because he had to wake her up to ask her for money to pay the cabbie. There must have been some history, because he earned a decent salary and his wife was a stay at home mother, but something must have triggered her need to hold the purse strings. He was an amiable fellow, but garnered notoriety for his (was going to say meanness ) reluctance to put his hand in his pocket. People here generally buy rounds of drinks in bars and pubs, rather than split bills.

 

[bcla]

I like some of the local old-time places that still use carbon copy handwritten checks.

I'm sure some young whippersnappers are

Carbon paper is a thing of the past. I haven't even seen a credit card receipt in a carbonless duplicate format in years since dot matrix printing is almost gone now.

But there are still carbonless duplicate checks that are hand-written.

 

[goofyernmost]

Sharp! Previous car was an 03 Jetta Wolfsburg 1.8t manual (used and was a bit old when I bought so it didn't matter the trim level, it's what was out there) and I really miss that 1.8t. My daughter just bought a 14 Passat, but regular automatic. I'm "jealous" of her car now, LOL, but I drove it and it confirmed that I don't want a regular automatic. I haven't driven a DSG to see if it is adequate to replace my 30+ years of driving a manual.

Mine is a 7 speed automatic. I have been driving for 57 years now and have driven just about everything. Up to 15 speed transmission with 3 speed axles. I got over manual transmissions at least 30 years ago. One of those double clutching fools you read about. All I want now is to just step on the accelerator and feel my back push into the seat.

 

[Babs Johnson]

Carbon paper is a thing of the past. I haven't even seen a credit card receipt in a carbonless duplicate format in years since dot matrix printing is almost gone now.

But there are still carbonless duplicate checks that are hand-written.

Yes, restaurant and office supply stores still sell pads of such checks, They can be used as hand written invoices for other businesses besides restaurants too.

I haven't seen carbon paper for sale in about 20 years. I may still have some buried in a desk drawer.

About two years ago, a supermarket's credit card system went down. You could still use cash or debit. They made an announcement indicating all credit sales will be handled at a certain two registers. The store dug out those sliding credit card embossers out of mothballs. I'm guessing they still had the carbon triplicate forms too.